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What was I thinking?

burntserkits

burntserkits

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 24, 2006
Messages
1,560
Location
Arkanslovia
Okay so I've been with my bf for 4 years now and I love him so intensely but he's 7 years younger than me and has been wanting to run wild while he's in his mid twenties. I have been dealing with such grief from here and only have a few people I can seek for comfort. Then I realized why in the hell did I not go to SLR for some. WTF...duh.

Anyway, there has been two occasions in the last month where we were apart for one week then together one then gone again... Both times he cheated on me. He was drinking in a bar where a mutual friend works and some guy buys him a couple drinks and they end up going to his room. As long as he only gets/gives a BJ, I'm cool with that. Well, he wasn't going to tell me but our friend came to Little Rock where we live and asked him he told me and that she was if hadn't. So he comes clean. He should have just come clean from the beginning instead of him lying about it. That's the only issue. As long as they're is no intercourse, no problem but tell me so I don't find out like I do two weeks later about another affair. I open the browser window and his email is logged in. I did snoop a little but it didn't take two seconds to notice Craigslist posts and I find one where he has made plans to meet up and exchanged photos. So I flipped out and he told me the truth and he crossed the boundaries we had set. So I'm very upset and confront him and all hell breaks loose so I go so stay with my mom for a few days.

We make up over the phone/net and came to some new agreements and they are VERY SET FIRM and one more slip up and that will be the final heartache. He's crossed the boundaries on 5+ occasions and I have forgiven him every time because I just love him so damn much and am pretty codependent. I want him more than anything in this world and I let him get away with whatever he wants out of fear of losing him. Also, I've supported him for the last 3 years. He has barely even gotten online and half-ass applied to a few places then never checks back with company or anything. I don't make a lot of money so it's VERY hard for me to pay both our ways in every aspect of life. I know some of you are going think I'm crazy for putting up with all the bs but I just love him so much. However this time is it. Slip once and you gotta go back to grandma's in Texas.

Sorry this was so long but I appreciate any advice. I'm going to start coming to SLR more often now. We also have multiple partner sex together every couple of months or so and that has always worked out but once. That's a whole another story. Anyway, thanks in advance and I'm gonna lurk around SLR for a bit :)
 
Dump his sorry ass! He's taking advantage of you. Who knows what other shit he's done you don't even know about!

P.S. Get tested.
 
Oh burntserkits, that sounds horrible. :( Sounds like you set the rules, but he's not playing by them. You're probably treating him so well (paying for everything and supporting him) and love him so much that he knows you aren't going anywhere, even if he doesn't play by the rules he agreed to play by.

I can only speak for me, but if I can't trust someone, it is really not an enjoyable relationship and I can't stick around. Although, it's easier said than done, and I definitely understand that aspect too.

Just from what you've said and not having feelings for this guy, IMO you should let him go run wild. Don't support him while he's doing it, but let him go find what he's looking for. You might get over him, and he might get over you, but he might also find himself, get it out of his system, and realize he's made a mistake. I think the end result will depend on if he loves you. That's happened to me twice now and once was with a guy 8 years younger than I am. I loved the guy too, and the odd part about it is that when he came back about a year or two later, I was so over him that I couldn't do it...didn't trust him and wanted to have some fun with him, but had no feelings for him anymore. We hung out for a little bit, but I just couldn't trust him to "try again," as he put it.

The one great thing about letting them go wild and talking later is that you can make decisions using your head and not your heart.
 
Doesn't it turn you off that this guy doesn't work/lazy and is sponging off of you? And he has the nerve to do shady shit behind your back. Fuck that, kick him to the curb.
 
Hey, I know it must be hard to hear but you really need to move on from this guy. This relationship clearly isn't benefiting you. I know it's quite scary and daunting when you've been with someone for so long but there is someone out there who will be capable of making you feel more worthy and who will make you happy like you deserve. It'll be difficult at first but in the long-run it'll really be for the best.
 
Like the others have said - you've got to move on.
You're mature, you know what you're doing with life, and he obviously doesn't. He needs time to mature. Who knows - maybe in a few years, things will align, and you'll meet up with him again. But for now - it just isn't working! He's obviously using you and that just is not right!!!
So he's cheated on you TWICE. But that's only the times you've found out. I hate to be harsh, but there's a good possibility that it's happened more than those two times. And that he just hasn't gotten caught or whatever.
If someone cheats on me once, it would be it, no matter how I felt about them.

It's good that you're admitting that you're codependent. In short, you need to stop being codependent. You are YOU. Do things for yourself, not for him. BUT you've taken the first step by admitting the problem - the codependency issue.

But yeah, the sooner you get out of this relationship, the better!! You DESERVE better!
 
Thank you guys for all the support and advice. I really appreciate the insight. It's just so hard to let someone go when you've been with them for so long. And I forgot to mention...I depend on him for my suboxone. His grandparents pay for the appt and the rx which is something I cannot do on my limited income. I know that plays a major part in it but after 16 months next month will be the last time they are going to continue paying. I've got a whole lot to deal with. He has been exceptionally good the last week. I think he realizes that I really have had about enough of the bs. I'll keep everyone updated. Thanks again for all the replies!
 
hes a leech

hes sucking you financially, hes sucking others physically. too much sucking. period. get rid of this waste of space

unless you enjoy metaphorical tapeworms?
 
+ 1 for moving on.

Don't put up with it.
Breaking the rules once... that is a mistake... breaking them 5 times. That just takes the piss.
Either show him how much your worth, or prepare to be constantly be walked over.

Love isn't a game played alone. Don't let it be one sided...
 
I try to say something fresh... I have been you and I have lived these relationshits. They are what they are - shit.

BUT I am sure you know it and you have known it a long time. I have also been there - waiting for some mysterious "sign" that will tell you breaking up is the right thing to do. EVEN if he has broke every rule you ever set, even if you once said that if this thing happens you will leave at once... And yet, here you are, this thing has happend dozen times and you still talk yourself into staying.

It's okay to be afraid. (In addition to relying on him with your drugs.) And no one can guarantee that the prince is waiting for you around the corner. All you have to do is start repeating to yourself that YOU DESERVE THE BEST. Because you do. And then it's easier. Is your current relationshit the best? No. Ergo: you deserve better and leaving is therefore ONLY right move you can make.

I want to add that I believe that open relationships CAN actually work and I want to point out that your problem doesn't seem to be the "openness" rather the fact he has no respect for you. These kinds of things only work when you are THE QUEEN and you are 100% sure where his loyalty lies.



burntserkits said:
Thank you guys for all the support and advice. I really appreciate the insight. It's just so hard to let someone go when you've been with them for so long. And I forgot to mention...I depend on him for my suboxone. His grandparents pay for the appt and the rx which is something I cannot do on my limited income. I know that plays a major part in it but after 16 months next month will be the last time they are going to continue paying. I've got a whole lot to deal with. He has been exceptionally good the last week. I think he realizes that I really have had about enough of the bs. I'll keep everyone updated. Thanks again for all the replies!
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