I just finished cutting myself for the first time. Holy shit. I swore I would never let myself get this far. I don't even feel like I am myself at all anymore? I haven't been going to school (senior in highschool) for the last 3 or 4 weeks. Maybe the last 2? I don't even keep track of time anymore, the days are just blurring together. I cut because... I'm not sure. It was nothing in paticular really. I was feeling rather frustrated because I was out of drugs. I had been becoming more and more risky smoking jwh-122. Smoking it under the covers at night in a room I share with my brother, In the bathroom while taking a 'shower', and just any chance I got 20 minutes to myself really. It was horrible, yet, it kept me... sane? Without some sort of drug in me, I just feel like absolute and utter shit. Drugs make me forget that I am why only half my family gathered for thanksgiving this year. Drugs make me forget that I fucking groped my own sister. They make me forget all the stuff I have stolen because of my addiction. They make me forget that I'm probably going to be a faliure in life. They make me forget I'm already a faliure. I don't know what paticular aspect caused me to cut, I just felt the need to. I'm sorry if this is all jumbled, I am horrible at putting my emotions into words. So now... what? I can't live like this anymore. I fucking can't. I tried amitriptylene (sp?) and zoloft in the past, to no avail. I'm just...I'm tired of this life. I have no real friends, nobody to talk to, no one to be there for me. I've lost intrest in my art, in video games, in maintaining friendships, in everything. I can't sleep till easily 3 or 4 in the morning because I am always thinking about my situation. I'm just done with this. Absolutley fucking done. I just feel like an absolute shit-wreck right now. Please, I just need some sort of guidance. I feel like I am losing my grip on reality, things just don't seem real anymore. I am starting to hallucinate because of this stress, and I can't even get my thought together long enough to think about things. I don't even know whats wrong with me anymore. I feel like fucking cutting again. Or I could just end it tonight, save myself the years of hardships bound to come. Fuck my life deep and hard up the ass with a posioned barbed telsa coil. I think I am just going to sleep right now, It's 5 in the morning. Hopefully things will seem better tomorrow (well, later today). Godamnit. Sorry for this jumbled mess. I just wanted something to pass the time and get my thoughts down before I did something drastic. Here's for hoping.