What the fuck is wrong with me?

[Kipo]

I just finished cutting myself for the first time. Holy shit. I swore I would never let myself get this far. I don't even feel like I am myself at all anymore? I haven't been going to school (senior in highschool) for the last 3 or 4 weeks. Maybe the last 2? I don't even keep track of time anymore, the days are just blurring together. I cut because... I'm not sure. It was nothing in paticular really. I was feeling rather frustrated because I was out of drugs. I had been becoming more and more risky smoking jwh-122. Smoking it under the covers at night in a room I share with my brother, In the bathroom while taking a 'shower', and just any chance I got 20 minutes to myself really. It was horrible, yet, it kept me... sane? Without some sort of drug in me, I just feel like absolute and utter shit. Drugs make me forget that I am why only half my family gathered for thanksgiving this year. Drugs make me forget that I fucking groped my own sister. They make me forget all the stuff I have stolen because of my addiction. They make me forget that I'm probably going to be a faliure in life. They make me forget I'm already a faliure. I don't know what paticular aspect caused me to cut, I just felt the need to. I'm sorry if this is all jumbled, I am horrible at putting my emotions into words. So now... what? I can't live like this anymore. I fucking can't. I tried amitriptylene (sp?) and zoloft in the past, to no avail. I'm just...I'm tired of this life. I have no real friends, nobody to talk to, no one to be there for me. I've lost intrest in my art, in video games, in maintaining friendships, in everything. I can't sleep till easily 3 or 4 in the morning because I am always thinking about my situation. I'm just done with this. Absolutley fucking done. I just feel like an absolute shit-wreck right now. Please, I just need some sort of guidance. I feel like I am losing my grip on reality, things just don't seem real anymore. I am starting to hallucinate because of this stress, and I can't even get my thought together long enough to think about things. I don't even know whats wrong with me anymore. I feel like fucking cutting again. Or I could just end it tonight, save myself the years of hardships bound to come. Fuck my life deep and hard up the ass with a posioned barbed telsa coil. I think I am just going to sleep right now, It's 5 in the morning. Hopefully things will seem better tomorrow (well, later today). Godamnit. Sorry for this jumbled mess. I just wanted something to pass the time and get my thoughts down before I did something drastic. Here's for hoping.

 

[drscience]

I'm really tired so I'm not in the best mindframe to digest what your expressing.... But if you want to PM me and talk about it Feel Free. I check BL pretty much every day.


Hope you get some rest

 

[New]

Life is difficult. I understand where you're at, that disconnect from reality and morality because the life you've been given seems to be too much to handle. When nothing you do matters, so you do anything and everything. Get some sleep and come back to this in the morning. You may not feel much better, but you'll be able to think more clearly and reach out for help in a concise manner. A good chunk of rash decisions I've made are usually tied to delirium caused by drug induced sleep deprivation. I'm also positive that by the time you wake up you'll have more support than you could have hoped for. Everybody has a darkest hour moment in their lives. It can only get better from this point. Maybe not in hops and jumps, but incremental skips. Hang in there, man.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I feel like fucking cutting again. Or I could just end it tonight, save myself the years of hardships bound to come.

please try not to. you've only done it once, you don't need to do it again, and if you do the more likely it'll become a habit and the more likely you'll do yourself some serious harm- i.e. get an infection, or start cutting deeper etc. it is very compulsive behaviour and its not worth it.

as for the second part of your quote. its a thought pattern i'm intensely familiar with and it seems logical but its not. you don't know that you have years of hardship to come, in fact you probably do, but they wont always be unbearable, and there will be times of intense pleasure too. by cutting your life short now, you're not even giving yourself a chance to find out either way.

you've got yourself into a very fatalistic mindset, do what you can to challenge your thoughts. keep hoping.

 

[Thick_as_a_Planck]

I'll second what chinup said. However bad you're feeling, the (very) temporary relief of cutting yourself will be far, far outweighed by the years of embarrassing lies and long sleeved shirts that follow. This is coming absolutely from personal experience, I can see my own scars out of the corner of my eye as I type these very words. You think they're pretty? You think they're easy to explain away when I meet new people? Are they fuck.

Do yourself a favour, don't do it. Life gets better on it's own man, or maybe you just learn to cope with it. One day all of this will be in the past, one way or the other. But scars stay with you for life.

Breathe man, just breathe.

 

[badfish45]

I second that ^ Just breathe. Relax. Do not cut yourself, it is an unhealthy way to cope with your problems, and continued cutting will only lead to habit, and risks such as infection. I like to use the advice of a mod in here, Dave. Take a walk, just by yourself, and it will make you feel at least a LITTLE better. Walks are a good way to relieve stress and help organize your thoughts. Don't be too hard on yourself, if you are feeling at least some guilt for what you've done, that proves that you are a good person. But all of you have taken the words out of my mouth. Life gets better, and if it doesn't, it gets better because eventually you need to learn to cope with it, which will make it better.

 

[Kipo]

Hey guys, I am feeling alot better/clear minded. I decided to continue my drug use because its really the only thing helping me right now. Its the only thing that gives me complete control over my emotions. I also almost stopped cutting. Only 2 little scratches since I made this thread. I think I am done with that. Overall, feeling much better but still, I feel like I am only running away from these issues. Eh, a coward lives to see another day I guess.

 

[ugly]

You really will do alright, Kipo. Maybe coming from a complete random stranger out of nowhere, it will mean more. (Perhaps it will mean less. I hope not.) I know how cutting relieves tension and your first post seemed tense to me. If the drugs are keeping stress off your back enough to let you stop cutting, you might have found a bridge back from that weird place some of go sometimes.

The drugs aren't the answer but some drugs were part of the answer for me. I wish you love and peace, Kipo.

 

[Ego Death]

Hey bro i'm glad your feeling better. It seems quite clear to me that you are lacking any sort of coping skills. I think you use drugs to cope with your emotions and when drugs run out, you turned to cutting to cope. Both are awful coping skills and will lead to your destruction. I would suggest you get into some sort of therapy where you can learn healthy coping skills for dealing with your emotions and life.

 

[YellowPolkaDotHalo]

I'm so glad youre feeling better kipo Drugs do have their place yes and if they pull you back from the brink, so that you can get your breath and consider the darkness from a different perspective, then I think youre using them wisely.

I think youve got to let your self off the hook otherwise youre likely to plunge straight back into the self hatred when there are no drugs or you build a tolerance. At some point youre going to have to face it anyway. Its your choice to keep hating yourself, cutting yourself, judging yourself or deluding yourself by running away.

Can you get counselling?
Do you have a spirituality?

Have a gentle day Peace n Love x

Edit: Ive just practically duplicated Ego Deaths post :D.. Well if we are both saying the same things then there must be some truth in them!


Im also cool with you pming if you need to unload too.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

its simple. drugs. quit drugs.
Your life is so horrible that means you got nothing to loose by trying something new right? well try drug free.

I have been there. I have read posts I made, Notes, Letters even phone calls when I was heavy in addiction. I was like what you said. It got so bad.

Get clean. The fog will lift. You will feel normal all the time. Not just when your doing drugs. It can get so much better. Give it a try buddy. It takes time but im feeling great and im 8months sober. It took time but after 9 years of feeling like you I got sick of it too. So I did something. Ask for help get into a program.. something man

You know where you will head if you don't change things. Jail, Hospital or dead