violentdreams
Greenlighter
When I was younger (around 12) I experienced a lot of panic attacks, I called an ambulance for myself a couple of times when there was nothing wrong with me. I probably should have been referred to a counsellor then just to talk to them about my 'fears' and whatnot. But instead I was just referred to a physiotherapist who helped me with how to cope with panic attacks, basically 'how to breathe'. This just sort of faded away, but I've always been a worrier.
I will turn up for a train an hour and a half early when I only live 20 minutes away from the station, I worry a lot about public transport and being on time and always want to organise things very far in advance. Sometimes when I am walking along a road I will create 'competitions' so I have to reach a specific point before a car passes me otherwise I will die, only a couple of times have a not got to the point and one time I ended up having an anxiety attack and believed I was having a heart attack, then a stroke and whatever other life-threatening situations passed through my mind. I do it with other petty things like reaching the freezer in the garage before the door closes behind me, but I can cheat with that one and push the door back all the way.
But through the past few years (especially since taking a few different substances - which is only over the last year) I have experienced a lot of different things that I believe are related to these things that happened to me when I was younger.
To begin with I just had a series of anxiety attacks, usually lasting hours, I will believe I am suffering from some kind of life threatening illness. I can't stay away from a mirror when I believe I am having a stroke, I will convince myself I am having a stroke over hours. At the time I am completely aware it's absurd to believe I have been having a stroke for a long time, but I start to see my face droop on one side and tell my friends "Look, it has dropped on one side!" They will try and calm me down but usually I become paranoid that I am becoming a burden on their life and that they just wish I would fuck off and leave them alone when really they do care about me. If they comfort me by giving me a hug and they pass their hand across my chest the first thing I will think is "They do think something is wrong, they are trying to check my heart without me noticing, I am having a heart attack. I'm going to die."
Then the the dream-like days began, sometimes lasting hours sometimes the whole day, I would initially feel blissful, walking round town in the backseat of my mind watching myself things but being able to think about other things. Perspectives were different and things that weren't right in front of me had a weird web-like haze on them, if I put my hand it it would connect to my hand. One time I was at an ATM and I wasn't sure if it was reality or not, so I was about to ask the woman next to me and I looked back at the ATM and there was the sign to 'cover your pin' and it had a ninja-like logo, I suddenly became really afraid of the woman next to me and ran away.
Then there were a few episodes which made my friend make me go to the doctor, I had been staying at my boyfriends flat for a few months even though I had my own room at Uni, I went to stay at my place for one night and I ended up taking an overdose, but I threw them back up quite quickly afterwards as I had an almost internal monologue of good and bad self. My suicidal self wanted to keep the pills down and die and my non-suicidal self wanted me to shove my fingers down my throat and stop being so stupid.
Another time I was having an argument with a friend and it didn't escalate for them, but it sure did for me, I ended up with a pair of scissors to my neck and they said "You wouldn't." and I started shouting "I would!" And began slashing at my wrists until they took the scissors off me and threw them aside. So I then ran to a window and looked down and decided to escape through it, but they pulled me back in, it didn't look like a big drop at the time but it was about 25 feet. I had self harmed a little when I was younger but never my wrist and never with scissors, I usually used to just scratch my leg until it would bleed. But I had repetitive dreams about cutting myself with a Stanley knife but the dreams always made me feel nice, in an almost sexual way.
After this happened my friend suggest I go to the doctor, I was sick when I got back from nerves, she referred for an assessment by a team who deal with psychosis, as I was waiting to be seen I was in and out of the dream-state and almost slapped myself a couple of times but came out of it when my name was called. I went in and there was two of them, a doctor and a nurse, it was fucking horrible. I felt so sick. I didn't include so many things because I felt nervous and I knew they wanted to help but I felt confused being asked questions by two different people. It was hard to trust both of them at the same time and I only properly answered the questions asked by the nurse as she made me feel safer and more open. I felt like the doctor was judging me and reflecting on it I felt like his questions were too specific, even though they probably weren't. I was too nervous to think of things that were similar to what he was asking. He asked me "Do you ever feel like there are cameras watching you?" I said no, but sometimes in bed I become paranoid that there are rows and rows of people around me and have to turn the light on for a bit. But he didn't ask me whether I think people might be watching me so I didn't include it.
He asked if I thought I have super powers, I don't know how anyone would feel comfortable answering that if they are aware that they don't have a super power. When I am in the dream-state sometimes things have a glow around them of different colours and I think I have the ability to see the 'dimensions' of different past, futures and presents. But when I come out of the state I know and am aware that I am being irrational and that isn't actually what is happening, this thought it part of the reason it took me so long to go and see someone. I feel fine most of the time.
Anyway, so I get the call once the team have reviewed their notes on me and they decided to refer me back to the GP so I can be referred for anxiety and to a sleep clinic. (I suffer from sleep paralysis and have extremely vivid dreams. Often they combine and I am dying in my dream but the sleep paralysis is making the feeling so real. For example I was an astronaut crashing in a shuttle and I was unable to move as I was strapped in, but really I was in and out of sleep and struggling to stay awake once I had finally managed to move/wake myself.)
They also said they were sending a letter to the GP and it would take THREE WEEKS and to wait until I received my copy.
As soon as I hung up the phone the 'different versions of me' who are in my head began becoming more defined, more voices than just intrusive thoughts. (I have thoughts often that I don't want, such as to push people in front of a train or attack them but I have never acted upon them. Sometimes I have horrible sexual images appear involving people who I REALLY REALLY do not want to be there, but I think they are there because I don't want them to be so then they appear) I began crying immediately, I knew that they just want me to get the right treatment and that it just isn't a psychotic illness, it must be something else, but I kept thinking that they just didn't want to help me on purpose and that they knew I felt I was getting worse and that they wanted me to get worse. The different versions of me who feel differently to how I do were shouting things at me like that I wasn't good enough for their help. I was suicidal for about 30 minutes until it calmed down and I regained control.
The reason I am asking whether anyone has any ideas about what is happening to me is because I don't know whether to just wait three weeks until the letter arrives or just go back to the GP on my own accord? And are these things just because of anxiety? I don't want to go and for them to be annoyed at me and think I'm wasting their time or that I'm just impatient. But the different versions of me (they aren't other people they are me but just they want different things and think different things) are becoming more defined and I am scared they will take over. Sometimes I think in the dream-state I become one of them as I can feel them as a different colour and it's confusing me as to who I am and which one is me or whether they are all me but in fragments? I don't know
I feel like because I am so aware of everything that is happening that it might just not be real, usually I just deal with these things like they are chores but I am scared if I get a thought and act on it I will already be someone who is too far away from my ordinary self to be able to help myself, if that makes sense? I just want control over it all
If you actually read all of this then thank you so much for taking the time to do so
I probably left loads of things out but I have already written so much so if you have any questions that you think will help you help me then ask away
I will turn up for a train an hour and a half early when I only live 20 minutes away from the station, I worry a lot about public transport and being on time and always want to organise things very far in advance. Sometimes when I am walking along a road I will create 'competitions' so I have to reach a specific point before a car passes me otherwise I will die, only a couple of times have a not got to the point and one time I ended up having an anxiety attack and believed I was having a heart attack, then a stroke and whatever other life-threatening situations passed through my mind. I do it with other petty things like reaching the freezer in the garage before the door closes behind me, but I can cheat with that one and push the door back all the way.
But through the past few years (especially since taking a few different substances - which is only over the last year) I have experienced a lot of different things that I believe are related to these things that happened to me when I was younger.
To begin with I just had a series of anxiety attacks, usually lasting hours, I will believe I am suffering from some kind of life threatening illness. I can't stay away from a mirror when I believe I am having a stroke, I will convince myself I am having a stroke over hours. At the time I am completely aware it's absurd to believe I have been having a stroke for a long time, but I start to see my face droop on one side and tell my friends "Look, it has dropped on one side!" They will try and calm me down but usually I become paranoid that I am becoming a burden on their life and that they just wish I would fuck off and leave them alone when really they do care about me. If they comfort me by giving me a hug and they pass their hand across my chest the first thing I will think is "They do think something is wrong, they are trying to check my heart without me noticing, I am having a heart attack. I'm going to die."
Then the the dream-like days began, sometimes lasting hours sometimes the whole day, I would initially feel blissful, walking round town in the backseat of my mind watching myself things but being able to think about other things. Perspectives were different and things that weren't right in front of me had a weird web-like haze on them, if I put my hand it it would connect to my hand. One time I was at an ATM and I wasn't sure if it was reality or not, so I was about to ask the woman next to me and I looked back at the ATM and there was the sign to 'cover your pin' and it had a ninja-like logo, I suddenly became really afraid of the woman next to me and ran away.
Then there were a few episodes which made my friend make me go to the doctor, I had been staying at my boyfriends flat for a few months even though I had my own room at Uni, I went to stay at my place for one night and I ended up taking an overdose, but I threw them back up quite quickly afterwards as I had an almost internal monologue of good and bad self. My suicidal self wanted to keep the pills down and die and my non-suicidal self wanted me to shove my fingers down my throat and stop being so stupid.
Another time I was having an argument with a friend and it didn't escalate for them, but it sure did for me, I ended up with a pair of scissors to my neck and they said "You wouldn't." and I started shouting "I would!" And began slashing at my wrists until they took the scissors off me and threw them aside. So I then ran to a window and looked down and decided to escape through it, but they pulled me back in, it didn't look like a big drop at the time but it was about 25 feet. I had self harmed a little when I was younger but never my wrist and never with scissors, I usually used to just scratch my leg until it would bleed. But I had repetitive dreams about cutting myself with a Stanley knife but the dreams always made me feel nice, in an almost sexual way.
After this happened my friend suggest I go to the doctor, I was sick when I got back from nerves, she referred for an assessment by a team who deal with psychosis, as I was waiting to be seen I was in and out of the dream-state and almost slapped myself a couple of times but came out of it when my name was called. I went in and there was two of them, a doctor and a nurse, it was fucking horrible. I felt so sick. I didn't include so many things because I felt nervous and I knew they wanted to help but I felt confused being asked questions by two different people. It was hard to trust both of them at the same time and I only properly answered the questions asked by the nurse as she made me feel safer and more open. I felt like the doctor was judging me and reflecting on it I felt like his questions were too specific, even though they probably weren't. I was too nervous to think of things that were similar to what he was asking. He asked me "Do you ever feel like there are cameras watching you?" I said no, but sometimes in bed I become paranoid that there are rows and rows of people around me and have to turn the light on for a bit. But he didn't ask me whether I think people might be watching me so I didn't include it.
He asked if I thought I have super powers, I don't know how anyone would feel comfortable answering that if they are aware that they don't have a super power. When I am in the dream-state sometimes things have a glow around them of different colours and I think I have the ability to see the 'dimensions' of different past, futures and presents. But when I come out of the state I know and am aware that I am being irrational and that isn't actually what is happening, this thought it part of the reason it took me so long to go and see someone. I feel fine most of the time.
Anyway, so I get the call once the team have reviewed their notes on me and they decided to refer me back to the GP so I can be referred for anxiety and to a sleep clinic. (I suffer from sleep paralysis and have extremely vivid dreams. Often they combine and I am dying in my dream but the sleep paralysis is making the feeling so real. For example I was an astronaut crashing in a shuttle and I was unable to move as I was strapped in, but really I was in and out of sleep and struggling to stay awake once I had finally managed to move/wake myself.)
They also said they were sending a letter to the GP and it would take THREE WEEKS and to wait until I received my copy.
As soon as I hung up the phone the 'different versions of me' who are in my head began becoming more defined, more voices than just intrusive thoughts. (I have thoughts often that I don't want, such as to push people in front of a train or attack them but I have never acted upon them. Sometimes I have horrible sexual images appear involving people who I REALLY REALLY do not want to be there, but I think they are there because I don't want them to be so then they appear) I began crying immediately, I knew that they just want me to get the right treatment and that it just isn't a psychotic illness, it must be something else, but I kept thinking that they just didn't want to help me on purpose and that they knew I felt I was getting worse and that they wanted me to get worse. The different versions of me who feel differently to how I do were shouting things at me like that I wasn't good enough for their help. I was suicidal for about 30 minutes until it calmed down and I regained control.
The reason I am asking whether anyone has any ideas about what is happening to me is because I don't know whether to just wait three weeks until the letter arrives or just go back to the GP on my own accord? And are these things just because of anxiety? I don't want to go and for them to be annoyed at me and think I'm wasting their time or that I'm just impatient. But the different versions of me (they aren't other people they are me but just they want different things and think different things) are becoming more defined and I am scared they will take over. Sometimes I think in the dream-state I become one of them as I can feel them as a different colour and it's confusing me as to who I am and which one is me or whether they are all me but in fragments? I don't know
I feel like because I am so aware of everything that is happening that it might just not be real, usually I just deal with these things like they are chores but I am scared if I get a thought and act on it I will already be someone who is too far away from my ordinary self to be able to help myself, if that makes sense? I just want control over it all
If you actually read all of this then thank you so much for taking the time to do so
I probably left loads of things out but I have already written so much so if you have any questions that you think will help you help me then ask away
Last edited:
.
