What is a gift if it is only service?

[KurtAurelius]

(Loads of negative BS I wouldn’t bother reading bro)

I’ve felt restless for as long as I can remember.

I’m prescribed Methylphenidate and all it does is put me in task completion state.

I smoke Fullspectrum Low THC cannabis alongside it all day just to get my basic tasks completed but I’m in physical pain all day and mental agony.

There is no relaxing, only the next thing to do until I fall asleep.

When I stop my whole life flashes by me and i dissociate, my heart races and I shake.

If I stop moving I feel my grip on reality slipping.

It feels like no one is listening because they can’t understand me.

Not their fault but my communication issues are so bad that people misconstrue nearly everything I say.

I watch my girlfriend sleep all day and rather watch her phone or egg me on to play video games so she can watch me and then dissolve from reality. Wake me up in the middle of night for sex and then back to sleep.

I’m glad it works for her but the artificial slop given to make us forget doesn’t work anymore.

I look forward only to playing music and the thought of giving into relapsing on opiates, or going into the Forrest to take a Brompton cocktail.

It’s easy to transiently believe you don’t want to die when it’s a forced and fixed biological mechanism.

My ego wishes death for the suffering it experiences.

My ego only lives for pleasure as a means to keep going.

I wish (only in the same transient belief) to end the cycle.

Death scares me only due to the extent of my mental illness and neurodivergence.

There’s plenty to say about my life, being as disabled as I am, but forced to mask, having parents who were more concerned about their bottles of wine and television set and the uncountable traumas of being a heavily disabled child who learnt to mask and then gets touted for intelligence.

All I do is read and copy, I understand no concepts other than what I regurgitate, all my art is veiled as a puzzle that has been matched around to create another.

So was I to grow up with only screens for comfort and then I learnt about drugs.

Then I did the drugs and decided I had a fair pop but I had enough.

Society will not let you kill yourself and I learnt this at 16 yrs old, and then enjoyed a stay in the mental hospital.

I only go on because my psychology has been manipulated via the reward system in my brain and the abuse of people with autisms regarding our sense of morality of justice.

But all of this means nothing.

That’s the point yea yes.

But it’s easy for some neurotypical person who has mastered staring in seclusion and noticing senses to achieve some wellness.

yes you face your fear, there is no silence, but. I’ve been there done that lol. You just observe yourself and fade out of reality or your social expectations kick in and it’s back to that. Nothing is ever done on autopilot and it makes you just want to race to bed.

Many are blind to the reality we live in, and it’s accepted just because its better than before.

Every human sense of free will has been taken through industry and how could I reason a few crumbs of pleasure to be worth this pain?

I’m only as good as I’m feeling to others, or what I can provide them:

The second I’m acting the way I actually feel, I’m met with tears and accusations.

it’s enjoyable for a bit then it’s not.

What is the point if the only way I survive is by living to a spreadsheet? Only living for sensations and tolerating all the pain I feel?

To spend weeks at a time hyper, appearing up when everyone is ignorant to my mania, and then I enter the most horrific painful lows

I made it 24 years in this hellish world, and body.

I’ve given it a good go, I ran 3 supported livings at 22 years old, I wrote my own books, I wrote my own music, I traveled across the world, I found love, I perfected holistic self care, I pushed my body and mind to its limits and pursued my creativity?

i am yet still disgusted by the vile selfish instinct to survive, and more so that this too will pass. It just visits the most often.

 

[streaM Freak]

happy Saturday, we're all trying

I’m only as good as I’m feeling to others, or what I can provide them:

The second I’m acting the way I actually feel, I’m met with tears and accusations.

I’ve given it a good go, I ran 3 supported livings at 22 years old, I wrote my own books, I wrote my own music, I traveled across the world, I found love, I perfected holistic self care, I pushed my body and mind to its limits and pursued my creativity?

From my point of view, it sounds like you have a whole lot of positive things to share many people.

The part about being encouraged to play video games made me pause for a second though, because I wonder is that what you want to do?

 

[neversickanymore]

Have you tried Adderall instead of methylphenidate. It may be a better medication with less side effects.

Bi polar affects your thinking and can spiral up the highs and lows.

Depression causes depressed thinking which in turn deepens depression which causes more depressed thinking.

Our perceptions and thoughts determine our experience of our world. Consider looking into techniques to influence your. thoughts and this in turn should help control your highs and lows. Aim for a manageable hypomania.

 

[M!$TER-ED]

Life goes on although sometimes I wish it would stop long enough for me to rest without feeling sad and down on myself. If I could find solace in me that was not part of me that was different, I would go there to get away from me when I wish I wasn’t here.

 

[washingtonbound]

(Loads of negative BS I wouldn’t bother reading bro)

I’ve felt restless for as long as I can remember.

I’m prescribed Methylphenidate and all it does is put me in task completion state.

I smoke Fullspectrum Low THC cannabis alongside it all day just to get my basic tasks completed but I’m in physical pain all day and mental agony.

There is no relaxing, only the next thing to do until I fall asleep.

When I stop my whole life flashes by me and i dissociate, my heart races and I shake.

If I stop moving I feel my grip on reality slipping.

It feels like no one is listening because they can’t understand me.

Not their fault but my communication issues are so bad that people misconstrue nearly everything I say.

I watch my girlfriend sleep all day and rather watch her phone or egg me on to play video games so she can watch me and then dissolve from reality. Wake me up in the middle of night for sex and then back to sleep.

I’m glad it works for her but the artificial slop given to make us forget doesn’t work anymore.

I look forward only to playing music and the thought of giving into relapsing on opiates, or going into the Forrest to take a Brompton cocktail.

It’s easy to transiently believe you don’t want to die when it’s a forced and fixed biological mechanism.

My ego wishes death for the suffering it experiences.

My ego only lives for pleasure as a means to keep going.

I wish (only in the same transient belief) to end the cycle.

Death scares me only due to the extent of my mental illness and neurodivergence.

There’s plenty to say about my life, being as disabled as I am, but forced to mask, having parents who were more concerned about their bottles of wine and television set and the uncountable traumas of being a heavily disabled child who learnt to mask and then gets touted for intelligence.

All I do is read and copy, I understand no concepts other than what I regurgitate, all my art is veiled as a puzzle that has been matched around to create another.

So was I to grow up with only screens for comfort and then I learnt about drugs.

Then I did the drugs and decided I had a fair pop but I had enough.

Society will not let you kill yourself and I learnt this at 16 yrs old, and then enjoyed a stay in the mental hospital.

I only go on because my psychology has been manipulated via the reward system in my brain and the abuse of people with autisms regarding our sense of morality of justice.

But all of this means nothing.

That’s the point yea yes.

But it’s easy for some neurotypical person who has mastered staring in seclusion and noticing senses to achieve some wellness.

yes you face your fear, there is no silence, but. I’ve been there done that lol. You just observe yourself and fade out of reality or your social expectations kick in and it’s back to that. Nothing is ever done on autopilot and it makes you just want to race to bed.

Many are blind to the reality we live in, and it’s accepted just because its better than before.

Every human sense of free will has been taken through industry and how could I reason a few crumbs of pleasure to be worth this pain?

I’m only as good as I’m feeling to others, or what I can provide them:

The second I’m acting the way I actually feel, I’m met with tears and accusations.

it’s enjoyable for a bit then it’s not.

What is the point if the only way I survive is by living to a spreadsheet? Only living for sensations and tolerating all the pain I feel?

To spend weeks at a time hyper, appearing up when everyone is ignorant to my mania, and then I enter the most horrific painful lows

I made it 24 years in this hellish world, and body.

I’ve given it a good go, I ran 3 supported livings at 22 years old, I wrote my own books, I wrote my own music, I traveled across the world, I found love, I perfected holistic self care, I pushed my body and mind to its limits and pursued my creativity?

i am yet still disgusted by the vile selfish instinct to survive, and more so that this too will pass. It just visits the most often.

I don’t know if you’ve heard of a book called “nausea,” but it describes a lot of what you’re saying here. Interesting book but I didn’t read all of it because my attention span is short.

Something that has been wearing on me lately is how fleeting the feeling of contentment is, it seems some new stressor always comes up, and the feelings of boredom and apathy are very pervasive as well. I’m at the point now of not seeing a point to much of anything as I’ve watched myself become less engaged with life over time and have continued to let past trauma wear on me, reaching a boiling point.

Lately as I’ve watched how far south things have been going in society, it can be hard to maintain a positive outlook.

At the same time it’s important to have gratitude for the things you do have, in my case my mom is very supportive, and at least I wasn’t born into a miserable existence in a developing country, which I have seen plenty of disturbing scenarios in that aspect.

Also wanted to add a bit about bipolar - I was diagnosed with that as well after having drug induced psychosis, and now have this uncomfortable feeling that if I’m ever in a really good mood, it might be perceived as manic to others and that I should keep it in check. Therefore I keep myself in a subdued state, although in the last couple years there hasn’t been much predisposition towards mania.

But I agree it can be very uncomfortable knowing that your state of mind can potentially be offensive to others without realizing it.