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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

what I'm doing. How dangerous? possible.

50 hours. bitches. I think the nicotine cravings are slowly leaving... oh ya gotta take wellbutrin. posted in another thread about adhd and i remember how crazy it was. shit would usually relax me then i would get all stimmed out a few hours later. became a non-smoker even (and especialy) when speeding hard.

fighting against the natural things. the ones you can't control. need to get melatonin. swear by it. oh so anyway, I took 1mg of alprazolam at 9pm thinking I would be up at 6-7 and I fucking wake up at 11, wth? how am I not supposed to not use now? lol. OHH FUCCKK. this isn't too bad i guess. boring but gonna be better. and yea I could be doing the dushes, laundry, working out etc etc. but don't feel like it tonight. may take some gabapentin early. i really want to go to bed before the sun gets up. gabapentin makes me wanna smoke. oh well. won't exceed 1600mg. oh ya and a wellbutrin. no drinking tonight obv. and hopefully not tomorrow cuz I'm gonna get shit done.%)

edit: worked out. just thought I would say it goddamit gonna try and do what I gotta once. going to do it here. and oh fuck ya I got to go to walmart and get melatonin. I bet it's nice tonight. haven't been outside today yet lol.
 
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61. had a stressful morning. got woke up at 930 via phone my ex-fiancee'. first real bad stressed out thing I have had to deal with. deifinetely starting to feel better. detoxyfing. woke up suuuuper calm and relaxed. almost focused somewhat. meh.
 
crazy fuckin day but post got deleted. fuckit all haha. 36 hours no hair pulling/no drinking. 65 hours no cigs/drugs/abusing scripts. let my soul go in the OP and wasn't/am not fucking around. trying to quit one of those is hard. all at once just seems crazy but I feel like I have to. feels good. powerful. manic.
thanks for leaving this up mods.

edit: you would never know about my hair puling. it's progressed to picking scabs on my scalp. I think that's why I do it... cuz it's not noticable. tc all.
 
make that 0 hours for alcohol. bought 4 PBR's at the store b/c I just have to stay away from heavy beers and liquor. wine too. just weak yellow beers. BUT, right fuckin now it makes me want a cigarette so bad that I can't. plus makes me want to take a .5mg xanax when it is not time until after 6pm. i actually had 1600mg of gabapentin last night and never smoked a cigarette, took any extra xanax or anything. no alcohol. had a great drug/cig/aclchy free night. cleaned my fridge, showered, shaved and doing some laundry.

edit: only had 1 of those! yee-haw, LOL. gotta go ride or gonna go crazy lol. it's MTB... ya mtb in florida but i live near some decent hills and great trails. I used to race a lot, have 100's of pages of training logs. lol pretty dorky. 5 mile ride to the nearest. gonna try and get there, ride 5 miles then ride home.
 
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just keep trying...!

The deeper into opiate addiction I get the less I like being here (8 years so far), I've quit and failed 6 or 7 times now, but I'm starting to get the feeling that if I can stay alive for another 3-4 years I will kinda just be so over it.. As it is I'm only maintaining to keep withdrawals away, my brain's finally got it through that it will never feel as good as the first few times.
 
170 hours. fuckin bitches. all of you. tries not to pat himself but yaaaaaaa. oh update I guess? quick cigs no drunkness. actuallty got drunk from 24-36 hour point but not since. picked at scalp around 24 hours ago. maybe 30. been lifting weight, riding mtb. things are very difficult but doing much, much better.
 
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