Pleonastic
Bluelighter
Over the last weekend at Earthcore, I had one of my most important experiences with MDMA. Those who were there who I saw in the morning, I think I told them that I had a "weird" night. Well guys, this is what happened...
I took half a yonnex at just before 1:00AM, after not eating anything since breakfast that morning. I also haven’t been pilling for that long... this was to be my fourth experience. I went for a wander around while waiting to come up, and after 30 minutes, I felt really sick. This has happened before, and usually I can just walk it off. So I proceeded to attempt to walk off the nausea. After about 20 minutes of walking, I still felt sick, I couldn’t see straight, and everything was bad. This was the exact opposite of NYE, where I couldn’t see or think, but everything was perfect, and all good. I felt alone, confused, and I wanted it to stop. I wandered around the outskirts of the market and behind the main stage trying to find an area where I could lie down for a while, but everywhere I went was too close to people... I needed to be totally alone and I couldn’t get there. This is when I started to freak out a bit. I was spinning in circles, hyperventilating, and having conversations with myself. These conversations I had are what I am deeming my most important experiences, but I’ll explain them later. I then proceeded to walk up the hill, and I think I must have gone about half way back to the check point (a long way, for those who weren’t there). Here I layed down, shut my eyes and didn’t move for about an hour. I sat up with a start after this, and realised that people would be looking for me, and felt extremely worried (this whole time I was still just as nauseous as I was at the start - very uncomfortable). I wandered back down, falling over the potholes and the fences, looking for one person. Somehow I found him, and I asked him why it’d all gone bad. I don’t remember what he said. I told him I needed to get to the car, and then followed him for what seemed like years. Curling up in the car, still feeling sick, I slept until 6:30.
Now, why on earth would I consider this to be one of my most important experiences with MDMA? Simple. This has reminded me that I am dealing with an incredibly powerful substance which must not be abused. The conversations with myself that I had on the way up the hill were between the confused me and the angry parent me. I told myself that I deserved this experience because I had become complacent to the effects and what MDMA can do. The other me kept on saying that I was sorry, and I was a fucking idiot, and that I’ll never do it like this again. There were plenty of other things I said to myself, but this was the main gist of it. Before I took it, I was in the mindset that I was going to be floored because I hadn’t eaten, and part of me thought this would be cool. In hindsight, I know I should have eaten properly, and not been so blase about it. So essentially, I was grabbed by the drug, shaken around, and slapped back into the realisation that I wasn't using it for the reasons that I originally began using it for. I had done exactly what I promised myself that I would never do - use MDMA for a plain and simple high.
In the morning I felt shit, but eventually got out of the car and went looking for people. And although I still felt a bit nauseous and was dehydrated to all hell, when I found some people I recognised, it all seemed to be a bit better. People who I had only met the previous afternoon already seemed like my friends again. In that scattered state, where I really didn’t know who or where I was, I could sit and share silence with people, and once again I belonged somewhere. Most of my morning was spent contemplating the previous 6 hours when it had all gone arse up. If I was alone, I don’t know what I would have done, and I need to thank all the people I knew in the morning - whether I met them 15 years or 15 hours ago. You were all important to me. I met more people the evening before than I have met in my last 4 years, and I hope I will see all of you again more often. You were all without exception the most accepting bunch of people anyone could ever want to meet. You know who you are, and I love you all.
And now the point... well, I guess there isn’t really an all defining, tie up loose ends kind of point to this story. The moral of this one for me is much more complicated than I could ever put into words. I guess though, that there are two reasons I’m writing this. Firstly to illustrate how powerful MDMA is. Do not do what I did and become complacent, or you will regret it in some way or another. The other reason I’m writing this is to further the notion that you don’t need drugs to have a good time. I met all the people mentioned before while completely sober. Thinking back, I didn’t need to take anything that night, because I was already having an awesome night. The first time I used MDMA my eyes were opened to a whole new world of self confidence and happiness - especially after the drug had well and truly worn off. The times after, while being fun, have not changed my outlook on life (although I have still felt good after). This last time, I flipped out, and this means it’s time to rethink everything again. I still feel happy and confident. And the drug wasn’t the cause any of that this time. So maybe I’ll stop for a while. I’ll only do it when there is clearly something to be gained. This is a personal experience, and I don't hold it against anyone for using the drug how they see fit. I'm not against the drug in the slightest - my first experience changed my life so much that I can see so much potential for good in it. And I’m not ashamed that I freaked out on half a pill either. Because we as humans are more than the drugs we take, and it’s funny how an experience like I had can remind us of that.
------------------
"My wish is not to mean everything to everyone but to mean something to someone."
[This message has been edited by Pleonastic (edited 05 February 2001).]
I took half a yonnex at just before 1:00AM, after not eating anything since breakfast that morning. I also haven’t been pilling for that long... this was to be my fourth experience. I went for a wander around while waiting to come up, and after 30 minutes, I felt really sick. This has happened before, and usually I can just walk it off. So I proceeded to attempt to walk off the nausea. After about 20 minutes of walking, I still felt sick, I couldn’t see straight, and everything was bad. This was the exact opposite of NYE, where I couldn’t see or think, but everything was perfect, and all good. I felt alone, confused, and I wanted it to stop. I wandered around the outskirts of the market and behind the main stage trying to find an area where I could lie down for a while, but everywhere I went was too close to people... I needed to be totally alone and I couldn’t get there. This is when I started to freak out a bit. I was spinning in circles, hyperventilating, and having conversations with myself. These conversations I had are what I am deeming my most important experiences, but I’ll explain them later. I then proceeded to walk up the hill, and I think I must have gone about half way back to the check point (a long way, for those who weren’t there). Here I layed down, shut my eyes and didn’t move for about an hour. I sat up with a start after this, and realised that people would be looking for me, and felt extremely worried (this whole time I was still just as nauseous as I was at the start - very uncomfortable). I wandered back down, falling over the potholes and the fences, looking for one person. Somehow I found him, and I asked him why it’d all gone bad. I don’t remember what he said. I told him I needed to get to the car, and then followed him for what seemed like years. Curling up in the car, still feeling sick, I slept until 6:30.
Now, why on earth would I consider this to be one of my most important experiences with MDMA? Simple. This has reminded me that I am dealing with an incredibly powerful substance which must not be abused. The conversations with myself that I had on the way up the hill were between the confused me and the angry parent me. I told myself that I deserved this experience because I had become complacent to the effects and what MDMA can do. The other me kept on saying that I was sorry, and I was a fucking idiot, and that I’ll never do it like this again. There were plenty of other things I said to myself, but this was the main gist of it. Before I took it, I was in the mindset that I was going to be floored because I hadn’t eaten, and part of me thought this would be cool. In hindsight, I know I should have eaten properly, and not been so blase about it. So essentially, I was grabbed by the drug, shaken around, and slapped back into the realisation that I wasn't using it for the reasons that I originally began using it for. I had done exactly what I promised myself that I would never do - use MDMA for a plain and simple high.
In the morning I felt shit, but eventually got out of the car and went looking for people. And although I still felt a bit nauseous and was dehydrated to all hell, when I found some people I recognised, it all seemed to be a bit better. People who I had only met the previous afternoon already seemed like my friends again. In that scattered state, where I really didn’t know who or where I was, I could sit and share silence with people, and once again I belonged somewhere. Most of my morning was spent contemplating the previous 6 hours when it had all gone arse up. If I was alone, I don’t know what I would have done, and I need to thank all the people I knew in the morning - whether I met them 15 years or 15 hours ago. You were all important to me. I met more people the evening before than I have met in my last 4 years, and I hope I will see all of you again more often. You were all without exception the most accepting bunch of people anyone could ever want to meet. You know who you are, and I love you all.
And now the point... well, I guess there isn’t really an all defining, tie up loose ends kind of point to this story. The moral of this one for me is much more complicated than I could ever put into words. I guess though, that there are two reasons I’m writing this. Firstly to illustrate how powerful MDMA is. Do not do what I did and become complacent, or you will regret it in some way or another. The other reason I’m writing this is to further the notion that you don’t need drugs to have a good time. I met all the people mentioned before while completely sober. Thinking back, I didn’t need to take anything that night, because I was already having an awesome night. The first time I used MDMA my eyes were opened to a whole new world of self confidence and happiness - especially after the drug had well and truly worn off. The times after, while being fun, have not changed my outlook on life (although I have still felt good after). This last time, I flipped out, and this means it’s time to rethink everything again. I still feel happy and confident. And the drug wasn’t the cause any of that this time. So maybe I’ll stop for a while. I’ll only do it when there is clearly something to be gained. This is a personal experience, and I don't hold it against anyone for using the drug how they see fit. I'm not against the drug in the slightest - my first experience changed my life so much that I can see so much potential for good in it. And I’m not ashamed that I freaked out on half a pill either. Because we as humans are more than the drugs we take, and it’s funny how an experience like I had can remind us of that.
------------------
"My wish is not to mean everything to everyone but to mean something to someone."
[This message has been edited by Pleonastic (edited 05 February 2001).]
