What do you do when you're young and clean?

[efg]

I was an opioid addict (among other things) from 16-19, and then took various NMDA antagonists daily for the first ~6months or so upon quitting. I'm 23 now and just got past my fourth year of being clean. I'm back in school, about to graduate, have a publication in a neuroscience journal, posters at society for neuroscience meetings and I'm a straight A student now, with the intention of applying to PhD programs next year. I'm also working on 3 more manuscripts. So things are going well for me in that sense. But other than that, I still have no friends. My social life is the professors and staff I interact with. I go to an undergraduate-only institution so I'm a bit older than most people here, most people here do a good amount of drugs, and even if they didn't, I can't find myself relating to people who have never or hardly used anything. I still don't enjoy TV. I still don't enjoy video games. I lift 3-4x a week and do cardio on my off days and that helps, but there are times where I'm too busy to keep that schedule up and my mental health declines during that time. My mood elevates when I start exercising consistently again for a few weeks, but I recognize that throughout life, with what I want to do, I can't have my mental health be contingent on exercise. I enjoy my labwork as well, and don't do much outside the lab or gym. But I have 1 friend these days, who currently lives on a family farm (he is clean as well now) across the country from me (US). I can't seem to make new friends other than people I can speak to about lifting in the gym, and people I can speak to about labwork in the lab. I can't find an interesting hobby. I do see a therapist regularly, who does keep telling me, and I know it's true, that I'll run across more people who used to be drug addicts and then got clean as I get older (along with my peers).

But as it is, I'm absolutely miserable. I have no friends I can see in person (well I do, but they're still drug addicts), not to mention I haven't been laid since I quit, which is rather irritating at my age I guess, though perhaps that's just me trying to add another layer of justification for why being sober blows. I'm not currently taking any medication, though I've taken a wide variety of antidepressants and such in the past (SSRIs, MAOIs, mirtazapine, bupropion), and considering starting that again, but I would like to try and deal with this non-pharmacologically. I imagine in grad school, it'll be a bit better in a sense that I have older peers with similar interests, but not too different since I'll spend all day in the lab anyways.

How do I meet people? What's the point of meeting people if I don't really enjoy anything but my work and exercise? Do I try doing a recreational sport? I was a fat kid and have no experience with sports (of course all my fat, along with muscle, went away when I was still using) so I admit it's mildly anxiety-inducing for me. I can't get a pet because I wouldn't have the time to take care of them, besides I do animal research and wouldn't want the smell of other animals on me when going into the lab. It's also quite hard to befriend people in my department since I do a lot of work for various professors and work in the general animal facility on the side, so my fellow students see me as someone in "power" as someone put it, and treat me almost more like a faculty or staff member than a fellow student.

Oh I guess I have nicotine. I consume a lot of snus, that's my only joy in life.

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

have you tried going to NA/ AA meetings? i didn't see you mention anything about meetings... try going to some, raise your hand and say you are new, it will escalate from there

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Is there truly not a single thing you find interesting, besides your academic career and drugs? In your entire life you've never seen, done, or heard about anything that made you go "huh! that's actually pretty fun and/or intriguing"?

 

[efg]

have you tried going to NA/ AA meetings? i didn't see you mention anything about meetings... try going to some, raise your hand and say you are new, it will escalate from there

I'll try that, there is one near me on Sundays, I've never been to one though. Thanks.

Is there truly not a single thing you find interesting, besides your academic career and drugs? In your entire life you've never seen, done, or heard about anything that made you go "huh! that's actually pretty fun and/or intriguing"?

I don't know, I used to like reading, I enjoy spending time with animals, I enjoy exercise, most of my childhood was social isolation and physical/verbal abuse, so I never really found much to do with my time other than drugs and school. I used to do a lot of extracurricular activities throughout elementary/middle/high school, but can't find anything I'd particularly like here in college.

I used to enjoy shitposting on 4chan and cooking a lot, but I haven't even bothered to do my dishes in a month (my apartment is infested with various bugs now) and most days just eat free candy/pop tarts/fruit etc... and whey protein/fiber bars.

I used to work as a substitute teacher when I took time off to get clean and enjoyed that? I've thought about volunteering and my original plan after graduating was to teach for a bit before going to graduate school, but now I'm just in the cycle of keeping up a stream of publications etc...Maybe I should try to make the time to do some sort of volunteering.

 

[Jabberwocky]

If you want to meet healthy people, be very careful with people at meetings. Much more often than not, the people you will find at meetings are not in a very healthy place.

It sounds like you are a very talents young man efg. You clearly have a lot of stuff going for you. To anyone other than yourself, you'd probably be described as, at least physically and intellectually, incredibly attractive. So I have a feeling that the issue here is a disconnect in how you see yourself and how the world sees you.

Getting past the "fuck my life, if anyone every finds out I was a junkie they will think I'm a worthless, degenerate piece of shit" kind of attitude is the hardest part of recovery. When we are using, especially in the formative days of our substance use - particularly for a substance as taboo as heroin - our substance use become a part of who we are, our very identity.

Where we were once confident in knowing who we were and what we stood for, we lose that self confidence when we shed the part of our identity defined by active substance use. And as we all know, women (particularly younger women) don't tend to find guys lacking in self confidence very attractive regardless of whatever else they might have going for them.

Remove the substance use and essentially lose a very significant part of who we had become (for better or worse, it is part of who we are). There is a kind of grieving process one generally goes through once one has been sober for a while and the drugs have been out of the picture for a while. A kind of existential crisis, but with very real, every day practical implications. After all, how easy is it to explore the world, to discover and pursue your passions in life, when you feel like there is something very wrong with your life?

If you aren't given the space to go through some kind of grieving process and be open with others about what you're going through, filling the void in your identity left when you stopped using is next to impossible. The catch is, when we open up with others about our struggles we must become rather vulnerable.

The fact that most people find this to be rather uncomfortable isn't what I think is the most challenging. Rather, given the way most explicitly recovery oriented communities are organized (I'm thinking specifically of the abstinence-only, twelve step communities), they are filled with many very unhealthy people. So unhealthy that they, intentionally or unintentionally, end up preying on vulnerable individuals in the group.

The most accessible recovery oriented communities may not be the best fit for someone of your character efg. That was certainly my experience (and that of the vast majority of my peers). I suggest you strike out to find some kind of community focused on wellness or spirituality that is well established and has a good reputation. One that is inclusive, not exclusive as twelve step groups tend to be. Ideally one that attracts professional types, with a mix of ages.

No one can do this alone, after all. Depending on where you live in the world I may be able to direct you towards some supportive communities you might find helpful.

Otherwise the following advice, which was given by someone much wiser than I to another BLer in a different forum on the site, applies to your situation pretty precisely:

instead of focusing on 'dating' in and of itself to find somebody, just get out there and do what you love to do. informally just get outside and do stuff. formally, consider a meetup.com (or whatever) group to do things you enjoy with other people.

instead of focusing on finding somebody, just focus on learning, having fun, getting fit, etc. and just give yourselves (you and somebody out there) the opportunity to meet each other. it's definitely, to some extent, a numbers game so the more opportunities you give yourself to meet somebody, the more likely you will. it's also so much less pressure than online (or whatever) dating...

 

[starting_over]

First of all, clean your apartment!!!

Having it infested with bugs, a sink full of dishes, etc is disgusting. How are you going to be able to invite people over when the time comes? This might even be dragging down your mental health as well.

I firmly believe that a messy apartment = a messy life. There is something mentally and physically refreshing about having a clean home.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I think this is great advice. Start small. You're not going to figure all this shit out overnight, so you might as well get good at taking care of your body in terms a healthy diet, some form of exercise (doesn't need to be going to the gym, it could also be going hiking, talking walks, swimming, playing a sport or riding a bike) of hygiene and good grooming practices.

And learn to clean your living space! If you have already gotten sober, at least now you're not shitting where you eat, so to speak. You might as well take care of your living space too now. It will make anyone you might bring home with you find you much more attractive

 

[cj]

dude 12 step meetings are like custom designed for your problem it seems like. Everyone is/was a drug addict and they all wanna have sex. You don't need a therapist to tell you that bro.

 

[Jabberwocky]

You're suggesting they go to twelve step meetings in order to get laid? Twelve step meetings only work, when they work that is, when there isn't a bunch of incest going on IME.

There has almost always been some degree of incest (13th stepping --> predatory members taking sexual advantage of other more vulnerable members) at most of the meetings I have been too. When there isn't a lot of actual incest going on, such as at gender specific meetings for instance, incest is either dealt with actively encouraging it or, at best, by sweeping it under the rug. I don't have any experience with all female meetings as I am more or less male, but that is a different topic of conversation

Point I was trying to get to is. . . Incest does not promote recovery! Yes, I am being serious. Yes, it is ridiculous to equate 13th stepping with literal incest. Yet, it's a lot less ridiculous to compare 13th stepping to actual incest than it is to argue taking sexual advantage of vulnerable individuals new to recovery is in anyone's best interest.

As much as I dislike twelve step stuff and have found pleasure being a thorn in the abstinence-only crowd's backside, that is a rather horrible idea. This is all assuming we are interested in efg's overall well being and the well being of those attending twelve step groups in their area. . .

[/smart_ass_remarks]

Sorry cj. You know I ya

 

[Burnt Offerings]

goddamn going to AA meetings to get laid? That's dedication right there

 

[Moreaux]

Yes, please clean your apartment. I'm surprised the neighbors haven't reported the situation. If they do expect property management to barge in and to experience some extreme embarrassment which will not help your recovery. Ideally you should be active - force yourself. Cleaning the apartment is a great first step

I highly recommend being very careful with who you get involved with at meetings. The meetings offer great support but many of the people there do not have everything figured out yet and you don't want to get taken advantage of or sucked into drama which could cause a relapse.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I highly recommend being very careful with who you get involved with at meetings. The meetings offer great support but many of the people there do not have everything figured out yet and you don't want to get taken advantage of or sucked into drama which could cause a relapse.

Sheesh, I like how well you put that. So much better than my not so coherent rant about incest

 

[szuko000]

For me the biggest step was the discovery that not only am I intelligent and drive I am also (most likely) physically attractive and able to get girls i want. Granted I have yet to actually prove the last part physically I have decided to outwardly portray who I am. Like you I am a recovered junkie, i would never go to meetings because at this point i do not want to associate personally with those people as I am way past that. But the one thing i never did in a decade because of drug use, by nice clothes make myself look nice, feel nice and smell nice. I got rid of all my old shit in favor of better fitting nicer looking clothes.

The way i see it is I have a job I have drive and a solid plan for my future, I am intelligent and it shows in my daily communication. What didnt match was the old clothes and general i dont care about my appearance look. I see it like this if i can portray intelligence in my speech, drive in my future goals, i need to show success through my appearance because i feel like i am successful and going places. Its really about confidence now that I have all this stuff going for me and look like i do i have been actively flirting with girls and they respond well to it.

You just need to realize human interaction is as important if not more so then any other part solely because we are social beings. I love being alone and practicing my "craft" as it were but i will not turn down an opportunity to get out of the house and show myself off. I started getting manicures and shit to because why not, its nice to have someone do it for me and its just another way to relate to females, even if they are the middle aged women in the office

Again it hasnt gotten me laid but with all the reinforcement i have been getting from girls i flirt with i know its just a matter of time and it can be like that for you!

As far as how to meet people you must be into music go to shows and try to communicate with people or go to the coffee shop and spark conversation. Like i said its easier if you feel your appearance is inline with who you are and you consider yourself the best in the room (might as well)

 

[Jabberwocky]

Nice post szuko

Manicures are where its at!

 

[szuko000]

Nice post szuko

Manicures are where its at!

Dude for real and I am not the type to invite close one on one contact with touch in a sense... I may not wear the whole "recovered junkie" as a patch on my shirt but I believe it does speak to my drive and motivation. I would never look at my past as anything more then a record of when i set my mind to it i can accomplish anything. Its nice to look into the mirror and see this new me, never thought id be into new clothes, shoes, and jewelry I just wish I could be like "look at me can you believe i am a former junkie" with my name brand and designer shit, well cut hair, manicured nails...

Seriously if anything its because i remember what it was to wear the same shit all the time and not have 5 dollars for gas. I too found myself in a place with no friends or contacts and not getting anywhere with girls but changing my world outlook changed all that!

 

[2dark2see]

Just going along the lines of support group mtgs as a place to start meeting people, one resource Ive utilized on and off for a few years has been attending DBSA mtgs (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). I've struggled with major depression long before I ever began using and from what you said above it sounds like you've had or still have some struggles with depression as well. I actually had stopped going to the DBSA mtgs when I was heavily into oxy bc I was more content with sitting at home with my cat as opposed to actually going out and being around people. However now that I'm sober I find myself in a similar situation to yours and I've started going to mtgs again. Of course the same type of "relationship" issues that the above posts warned about regarding AA/NA also apply to DBSA mtgs, but that aside (I'm not looking to date or get laid right now), I've found these mtgs to be really helpful. And as with most support groups, you'll find that many who attend the DBSA mtgs have also struggled with some form of substance abuse. I just thought I'd mention this group option if you're not into a twelve step kind of thing right now.
Oh and just as a side note, I met a lot of great friends while in graduate school - I enjoyed grad school a lot more than undergrad bc it is so focused on your main field of interest, and I've always related better to people older than me and there was a nice range of ages in grad school that sounds like will be something you'll also enjoy having, and given the older age range you may feel more like you're viewed as a peer by your fellow students as opposed to what you currently describe.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Dude for real and I am not the type to invite close one on one contact with touch in a sense... I may not wear the whole "recovered junkie" as a patch on my shirt but I believe it does speak to my drive and motivation. I would never look at my past as anything more then a record of when i set my mind to it i can accomplish anything. Its nice to look into the mirror and see this new me, never thought id be into new clothes, shoes, and jewelry I just wish I could be like "look at me can you believe i am a former junkie" with my name brand and designer shit, well cut hair, manicured nails...

Seriously if anything its because i remember what it was to wear the same shit all the time and not have 5 dollars for gas. I too found myself in a place with no friends or contacts and not getting anywhere with girls but changing my world outlook changed all that!

Again, couldn't agree more. You experience mirrors mine, as well as all those I have encountered who have been able to move on from anything like the kind of habit that consumes your entire life.

Just going along the lines of support group mtgs as a place to start meeting people, one resource Ive utilized on and off for a few years has been attending DBSA mtgs (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). I've struggled with major depression long before I ever began using and from what you said above it sounds like you've had or still have some struggles with depression as well. I actually had stopped going to the DBSA mtgs when I was heavily into oxy bc I was more content with sitting at home with my cat as opposed to actually going out and being around people. However now that I'm sober I find myself in a similar situation to yours and I've started going to mtgs again. Of course the same type of "relationship" issues that the above posts warned about regarding AA/NA also apply to DBSA mtgs, but that aside (I'm not looking to date or get laid right now), I've found these mtgs to be really helpful. And as with most support groups, you'll find that many who attend the DBSA mtgs have also struggled with some form of substance abuse. I just thought I'd mention this group option if you're not into a twelve step kind of thing right now.
Oh and just as a side note, I met a lot of great friends while in graduate school - I enjoyed grad school a lot more than undergrad bc it is so focused on your main field of interest, and I've always related better to people older than me and there was a nice range of ages in grad school that sounds like will be something you'll also enjoy having, and given the older age range you may feel more like you're viewed as a peer by your fellow students as opposed to what you currently describe.

Nice! I have heard good things about NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), though I have never had a chance to go to any of their support groups or try and break into that scene. I always though the Icarus Project was a pretty fucking amazing concept, though again I never had a chance to get into that when I was younger (seems like it is more geared towards adolescents, teens and young adults - though I guess I still barely qualify for young adult).