What do you do when you just can't bring yourself to forgive someone?

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

I'm not a vindictive man. Or rather, I don't want to be a vindictive man. People have done all kinds of unfair things to me, and I barely ever think of them anymore; I'm not perfect either, and I've treated people in ways I really shouldn't have too. If anything, I try to use memories of being fucked over to become wiser and learn something. But one particular person in my past did me wrong in a particular way that really rubbed my moral fibers the wrong way, and that I just can't let go of, especially because it was just so wanton and devoid of anything valuable to be learned. I still have flashbacks of the series of incidents involving him that leave me shaking with anger for hours, sometimes even overnight, at least a couple times a month. These episodes usually involve vivid fantasies of harming this man that would probably get me locked up if I described them in detail, which scare me very much afterward. I don't still see the guy, but we run in the same circles, and I'm bound to meet him again someday.

I feel like there's a part of me that won't ever be at peace, and I'll keep having these episodes, until I come up with a way to make this guy pay. On the other hand, a part of me says this is juvenile and pointless, as nothing I could possibly do to him would make him change his ways or apologize to me.

I'm not asking you to share your story, if you don't want to. But please won't you tell me, how did you ultimately make peace with it?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Move away from this person if you can/want to. If not, and there is some legitimate reason why they should be in trouble but are not, why don't you tattle on them and have them face the consequences?

Violence isn't the answer but I'm sure you already know that.

 

[stellablue]

I have always looked at forgiveness as something for me. Even if the person doesn't deserve it. It is not eating them up inside. Ultimately the anger is tearing you apart. The only way to free yourself from this situation is to forgive him so you can move on. It will not hurt him if you don't forgive him, but it hurts you because you were hurt by it. I think you have been hurt enough. Forgive and move on, but try and learn the signs if there were any to keep it from happening again. Just never give this man a chance to ever be able to hurt you again. You are the only one that can free yourself from this vicious cycle. You can forgive and put this behind you. You deserve to be happy and it sounds like you are really struggling with this. If you just can't forgive him, then you must try to let go. Let go and let yourself move on from this hurtful situation. Sounds like this guy isn't worth your pain and suffering. He has taken enough from you, don't let him take your peace of mind. You have the control to take back your heart and and not let this ruin any chance for you to trust. Not everyone is like this, but everyone makes mistakes. Just don't be to hard on yourself.
Take a breath, say that you forgive him out loud to yourself, and let go, and find the peace of not having the anger and hurt eat you up. Forgive him for your peace of mind, not because he deserves it, but that you are a better person by it. It will give you the strength to ultimately make peace with it.

 

[webbykevin]

The best revenge is living well.

 

[max_]

I never made my peace, but I'm 20 so I hope someday I will..

The best revenge is living well.

^^ This sounds good. Although I wouldn't call it revenge. Revenge is no good. Living well is the best you can do about it.

 

[Artificial Emotion]

I was severely assaulted and was bitter for years. Eventually, the only thing that gave me closure was to get revenge. I'm sure that's what nobody wants to hear but it's my experience. It's all very well saying it won't solve anything but most people that have been hurt in this way aren't the people giving the advise.

I'm not advocating violence but revenge can be very therapeutic.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I was severely assaulted and was bitter for years. Eventually, the only thing that gave me closure was to get revenge. I'm sure that's what nobody wants to hear but it's my experience. It's all very well saying it won't solve anything but most people that have been hurt in this way aren't the people giving the advise.

I'm not advocating violence but revenge can be very therapeutic.

LOL

I'm not going to say I disagree with you AE but, I think that there are also alternative methods to getting over the bitterness. But thanks for sharing nonetheless!

 

[Cyc]

I was severely assaulted and was bitter for years. Eventually, the only thing that gave me closure was to get revenge. I'm sure that's what nobody wants to hear but it's my experience. It's all very well saying it won't solve anything but most people that have been hurt in this way aren't the people giving the advise.

I'm not advocating violence but revenge can be very therapeutic.

I can't disagree with this. I know it sounds wrong, but the truth is that revenge brings closure, for better or worse.

Two wrongs don't make a right.. but they can cancel each other out.

 

[Gmo]

Man OP you described me to a tee......I've got an old friend that wronged me in a lot of ways around a year ago and I just haven't been able to let it go. I really want to oneday but Idk revenge just sounds so sweet at this point and I feel like it would allow me to come to closure with this whole thing......what heppened man if you don't mind me asking????

 

[Dave]

Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. Only yourself. I try to live by the adage: forgive, but never forget.

For me, it was a family issue. My mother's brother, who has never had much in the way of concept of people other than himself, took a long vacation to Europe last summer. His father was nearing death, so my mother, who although she has very fragile health of her own was his primary caregiver, called her brother to tell him that he should come say goodbye. My uncle's response: gee, that's a shame; I'm going to the Italian alps tomorrow and won't be contactable for a week. Needless to say, it didn't go over well with anyone, even his own wife and kids. My mother, luckily, has plenty of support, but there was a lot that she had to do herself, and became quite ill on a few occasions because of it.

Everyone, myself included, were livid. But I realized quickly that there was no point in staying mad. He's too dense to figure out why people were mad at him, and even when people told him he just managed to twist it in his head so that he was somehow the victim. He's now basically dead to most of my family, but I've gotten past it, and even visited his family a few months ago. I have no respect whatsoever for the man, and will not raise a finger to help him, but it's more from indifference than malice.

"Holding anger is like holding onto a hot coal so as to throw it at someone. Even if you hit the person, the only one to get burned will be yourself."

 

[herbavore]

I think that changing the word "forgiveness" to the phrase "letting go" is the most useful for me. Holding on to anger is really detrimental to your own physical and mental health; so letting that anger go is for your own good and has nothing whatsoever to do with letting the other person off the hook morally for their bad behavior. Learning to let go is the hardest thing in life IMO, whether it is anger or guilt or excessive need, but doing so is so rewarding in the long run. It takes practice and feels endless sometimes but simply having the intention to let go in your mind is a huge step in the right direction.

 

[Help?!?!]

Forgive them, would be my only answer. I suppose somewhere dwelling deep within myself there may be a recess of feelings teeming and seething with anger, but they have their own space and time to do what they want. I know these feelings will never leave because when unfair things happen to you, truly unfair that is, its hard to shake and wonder why on Earth it had to be you, though feelings like that will only take you further down. Simply understand that by not forgiving the person you are ending your evolution right then and there, because you have let him and his actions hinder you. Your letting him get you stuck in place. I suppose i've dealt with these things with knowledge, the knowledge that there are no time machines, no redos, and no do overs. Things are the way they are and happened the way they happened and thats all there is too it. If what happened to you was truly unfair than IMO you deserve to be angry and have certain feelings about it, just don't let them eat you alive or consume your being. I guess the knowledge I stated was enough for me to let go, at least enough to not really let it eat at me or be my constant companion through time. Like someone said as well, some of the best revenge is simply being the champion of the situation. Not letting it effect you and being the bigger person. At the end of the day this makes you the winner, to even further that you didn't stoop to animistic tendencies or go out of line morally to get to that point. Sure only you hold the knowledge, but at the end of the day isn't that all that is truly important anyways?

 

[Dave]

herb-- you put it better than I could. Letting go is what I was getting at. Thank you!

 

[morpher001]

I think that changing the word "forgiveness" to the phrase "letting go" is the most useful for me. Holding on to anger is really detrimental to your own physical and mental health; so letting that anger go is for your own good and has nothing whatsoever to do with letting the other person off the hook morally for their bad behavior. Learning to let go is the hardest thing in life IMO, whether it is anger or guilt or excessive need, but doing so is so rewarding in the long run. It takes practice and feels endless sometimes but simply having the intention to let go in your mind is a huge step in the right direction.

Further to this:

OP
Is there anything in the situation which is holding you back from letting go? Perhaps you feel a need for some sort of action (not necessarily physical, thats just how its manifesting in your mind) on your part to gain closure on the matter? Perhaps complete inaction does not sit well with your own moral framework in some way.

If it eating you up so badly, it might be worth sitting down with someone experienced to help guide your thoughts?