LotsOfDogs
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 14, 2012
- Messages
- 43
Hello fellow Bluelighters
Some background: I'm gay, 43, been in a steady relationship for 9 years. I love my partner very much, but the years have taken their toll on both of us and these days the sex is pretty uninspired. Frankly, from my side it's more of a duty that I perform because if I don't do it, I'm made to feel guilty because his self esteem is really tied up with getting me off. We also have an understanding whereby we're both OK with the other going to other places and people for sex, provided two rules aren't broken. The first is that anything we do is safe (ie, using condoms when needed) and the second is that we don't develop feelings for someone else. I have never broken either of these rules up until now.
This has worked OK for some years...I've never been the monogamous type and my partner knew that when we first met. I know he struggles with it sometimes and it is me that looks for sex outside of our relationship more than him, but he does also go to bars, cruising areas and saunas as well. Fundamentally, he has an insecurity about me falling for someone else but in 9 years it's never happened. I do genuinely love and care for him but I'm a (still relatively young) guy, I'm warm blooded and I have a sex drive.
So a few weeks ago I went to a sauna and met a really attractive guy. We went into a cabin and spent 3 hours in there which honestly felt like 10 minutes. This man ticks all my boxes....To me, he's very good looking, a great kisser (which is a big deal) and our bodies felt like they had known each other for years. During that 3 hours we talked a bit and established that we were both in long term relationships where the sex had either become mundane or stopped altogether. We swapped phone numbers and I left that place with a smile on my face and a glow in my chest.
A couple of weeks passed and a few text messages were exchanged between us. Then we met for a coffee in town, me not knowing what to expect when I saw him. But as I got to the cafe where we were meeting, he got up and embraced me with this big bear hug (he is a big, broad, hairy bear of a man which is what floats my boat) without a care in the world who was watching. There was genuine warmth in that embrace and for an hour we sat in this cafe, holding hands across the table, both clearly delighted to be together again and feeling like teenagers (he's a little older than me, 52). We talked about what we'd been doing and when it came time to leave I walked him to his car and as we parted, we embraced and kissed again right in the middle of the street without giving 2 shits what anybody else thought (we got some looks from some passers by but generally the city I live in is pretty gay friendly).
So last week, my partner was away on business and this guy came over to my place for some love in the afternoon. He arrived at about 2.30 and for 5 hours, I had the best sex I have ever had in my life. He also said that it was the same for him and I think he was telling the truth...After he climaxed, it took him about 5 minutes to calm down and there was this look on his face of bewilderment at what had just happened. I swear I'm not saying this in any kind of bragging way, it's more to try and convey the intensity of the experience. The first time we had sex was amazing, but in private, in bed with some music playing it went to another level. At one point he said "This is not sex" and although I knew what he was getting at, I asked what he meant and he said it was love. For those that don't know, the world of casual gay sex is generally a fairly shallow affair....It's mostly about fantasy, projection of said fantasies onto your sexual partner (which the anonymity kind of helps with) and when it's finished you pull up your trousers and move on.
Over the years I've got used to it and if you're in a Long Term Relationship this is quite convenient as nobody gets hurt but us men get our jollies. But that afternoon, it was like I rediscovered the true meaning of what sex was. It was rapturous, honest, eye to eye reaching deep into your soul kind of pure love making. I've experienced it before to varying degrees but my god, I've never been so far down that road as on this occasion. I think all my endorphins fired off every reward center in my brain and it was truly drug-like.
I have never told anybody I've met in these circumstances that I love them since I met my partner but I couldn't help myself. I knew there was something special about him when I first saw him but when he said that to me, it gave me permission to say it back and it felt wonderful. The unbridled joy of telling someone you love them for the first time and for them to say it back just felt so good. I know it's not "real" love....That takes much longer to form but this is a really intense "first flush" and now I am in a strange place. I can't stop thinking about him, we exchange messages daily online and can't wait to see each other again, although chances to do so are few and far between. We have mortgages, pets, lives that have meshed together over the years with our partners and neither of us want to hurt our significant other. But right now I go to sleep and wake up thinking about him and about the next time we can meet. Occasionally I dare to fantasize about spending the night together, and in rarer moments my imagination puts us in a situation where we live together. But it can't be and we both know that. The smart thing to do is end it now, rip off the band aid and keep it as a pleasant memory....But that would mean I'll never see him again and I can't face that right now. I feel raw, exposed but more alive than I have in a long, long time.
My current thinking is to ride it out and enjoy it while it lasts. Past experience tells me that when things are intense, they burn themselves out fairly quickly and maybe we can enjoy the flight together without crash landing or hurting anybody....Hopefully remain friends and always know that we shared something special and wonderful. But there will always be that nagging train of thought about what could have been....What would it be like to actually have someone in your life where the intimacy surpassed anything you could ever imagine.
I don't want sympathy, but I don't want to be judged either. I suppose really I just wanted to get this off my chest because there's nobody else I can tell about this. If you've read any of this, I really appreciate you taking the time to do so and if you read it all, thank you so much.
Some background: I'm gay, 43, been in a steady relationship for 9 years. I love my partner very much, but the years have taken their toll on both of us and these days the sex is pretty uninspired. Frankly, from my side it's more of a duty that I perform because if I don't do it, I'm made to feel guilty because his self esteem is really tied up with getting me off. We also have an understanding whereby we're both OK with the other going to other places and people for sex, provided two rules aren't broken. The first is that anything we do is safe (ie, using condoms when needed) and the second is that we don't develop feelings for someone else. I have never broken either of these rules up until now.
This has worked OK for some years...I've never been the monogamous type and my partner knew that when we first met. I know he struggles with it sometimes and it is me that looks for sex outside of our relationship more than him, but he does also go to bars, cruising areas and saunas as well. Fundamentally, he has an insecurity about me falling for someone else but in 9 years it's never happened. I do genuinely love and care for him but I'm a (still relatively young) guy, I'm warm blooded and I have a sex drive.
So a few weeks ago I went to a sauna and met a really attractive guy. We went into a cabin and spent 3 hours in there which honestly felt like 10 minutes. This man ticks all my boxes....To me, he's very good looking, a great kisser (which is a big deal) and our bodies felt like they had known each other for years. During that 3 hours we talked a bit and established that we were both in long term relationships where the sex had either become mundane or stopped altogether. We swapped phone numbers and I left that place with a smile on my face and a glow in my chest.
A couple of weeks passed and a few text messages were exchanged between us. Then we met for a coffee in town, me not knowing what to expect when I saw him. But as I got to the cafe where we were meeting, he got up and embraced me with this big bear hug (he is a big, broad, hairy bear of a man which is what floats my boat) without a care in the world who was watching. There was genuine warmth in that embrace and for an hour we sat in this cafe, holding hands across the table, both clearly delighted to be together again and feeling like teenagers (he's a little older than me, 52). We talked about what we'd been doing and when it came time to leave I walked him to his car and as we parted, we embraced and kissed again right in the middle of the street without giving 2 shits what anybody else thought (we got some looks from some passers by but generally the city I live in is pretty gay friendly).
So last week, my partner was away on business and this guy came over to my place for some love in the afternoon. He arrived at about 2.30 and for 5 hours, I had the best sex I have ever had in my life. He also said that it was the same for him and I think he was telling the truth...After he climaxed, it took him about 5 minutes to calm down and there was this look on his face of bewilderment at what had just happened. I swear I'm not saying this in any kind of bragging way, it's more to try and convey the intensity of the experience. The first time we had sex was amazing, but in private, in bed with some music playing it went to another level. At one point he said "This is not sex" and although I knew what he was getting at, I asked what he meant and he said it was love. For those that don't know, the world of casual gay sex is generally a fairly shallow affair....It's mostly about fantasy, projection of said fantasies onto your sexual partner (which the anonymity kind of helps with) and when it's finished you pull up your trousers and move on.
Over the years I've got used to it and if you're in a Long Term Relationship this is quite convenient as nobody gets hurt but us men get our jollies. But that afternoon, it was like I rediscovered the true meaning of what sex was. It was rapturous, honest, eye to eye reaching deep into your soul kind of pure love making. I've experienced it before to varying degrees but my god, I've never been so far down that road as on this occasion. I think all my endorphins fired off every reward center in my brain and it was truly drug-like.
I have never told anybody I've met in these circumstances that I love them since I met my partner but I couldn't help myself. I knew there was something special about him when I first saw him but when he said that to me, it gave me permission to say it back and it felt wonderful. The unbridled joy of telling someone you love them for the first time and for them to say it back just felt so good. I know it's not "real" love....That takes much longer to form but this is a really intense "first flush" and now I am in a strange place. I can't stop thinking about him, we exchange messages daily online and can't wait to see each other again, although chances to do so are few and far between. We have mortgages, pets, lives that have meshed together over the years with our partners and neither of us want to hurt our significant other. But right now I go to sleep and wake up thinking about him and about the next time we can meet. Occasionally I dare to fantasize about spending the night together, and in rarer moments my imagination puts us in a situation where we live together. But it can't be and we both know that. The smart thing to do is end it now, rip off the band aid and keep it as a pleasant memory....But that would mean I'll never see him again and I can't face that right now. I feel raw, exposed but more alive than I have in a long, long time.
My current thinking is to ride it out and enjoy it while it lasts. Past experience tells me that when things are intense, they burn themselves out fairly quickly and maybe we can enjoy the flight together without crash landing or hurting anybody....Hopefully remain friends and always know that we shared something special and wonderful. But there will always be that nagging train of thought about what could have been....What would it be like to actually have someone in your life where the intimacy surpassed anything you could ever imagine.
I don't want sympathy, but I don't want to be judged either. I suppose really I just wanted to get this off my chest because there's nobody else I can tell about this. If you've read any of this, I really appreciate you taking the time to do so and if you read it all, thank you so much.
