ChemicallyEnhanced
Bluelighter
as inconceivable to me that someone is not. i’m ashamed of everything. especially choice in books. grocery store, pharmacy, library. anything that reveals me is cause for sweat under the collar. getting better about it as i get older. bringing one of the ferrante novels or Claudine at School to the checkout desk is still trying.
comes with catholic blood, i’ve heard.
I used to be a lot like that. At one point I was so shy I couldn't buy anything period because I'd get so anxious just having to speak to the cashier I'd fumble ny word and usually come across as rude and blunt.
I think, honestly, I embarrassed myself so often and so badly during my alcoholic years I pretty much became immune to it.
I discovered this wonderful thing called "not needing other people's approval". And now I honestly don't give a fuck what anyone thinks.
Think of it this way: that person serves hundreds of people a day and you aren't anything unique or memorable to them. They couldn't give a shit. Likewise, while you're out in public everyone is too busy worrying about themselves to care how you look or what you're doing.
You could really benefit from CBT (the therapy CBT, not the fetish CBT, lol) and probably an anti-anxiety med. Sertraline helped me with that problem a lot.