For me; in my highschool years OxyContin was everywhere so I was addicted physically by about 16; then came the benzos, the coke, and then by 18 I was full blown into crack. Using any and all narcotic prescription pills I could get my hands on. Smoking heroin by 19- into IV use of H and opiates by 21. In the early years I was dealing to support the habit. I had a few stints of “clean time” after hitting a few hard bottoms with that. At 25 I got into crystal and by then the H was all fetty. I was a street level user by that point….. mind you I grew up around a lot of addiction and had overdoses and alcoholic deaths in my family. So I wasn’t a stranger to it and even though I knew the path of using heavy drugs went to hell in a hand basket for most people.
I was able to acquire a year and a half clean twice, 2 years another time. And experienced having a few good careers and relationships, went to college etc;
But inevitably every time I would end up back at it. I had pretty much everything a man could want or need pre pandemic-the new nice townhouse in the nice neighborhood, happy good looking family. couple of newer decent vehicles in the driveway, good healthy routines and diet and a great paying unionized job. Then when the lockdowns happened and I took a lay off from work; relationship had gone to shit. Started with the party drugs first and then inevitably im sitting in my car parked behind a grocery store for 6 hours at a time shooting coke in the winter.. I spiralled out of control real quick and had a mindset to just give up. The next two years I’d bounce back and forth from a few months of being clean then I’d have like a bad of couple months or something.
The worst part of it all is how I was feeling about myself. And the drugs they only numbed it and helped maybe the first day or two of a use bender.. but then I’d be down in the dumps again, broke or struggling financially, back into some toxic relationships, watching close friends die or back off from my life. I pretty much gave up by 2022. That whole year was pretty bad.
I still struggle daily with my demons at 33 years old, and I have a lot of catching up to do with life that I just turned my back on and gave up on. I’m hoping this year is better for me than the last 3 or so have been. Been seeking some recovery help and my use has turned into a once a month binge where I make a huge mess of any life progress I’ll make in that time.
I feel my body takes longer to bounce back now than when I was 25; I put all of my favourite hobbies that I love on the backburner, even women. I also fight myself mentally when I do get the overwhelming urges to use and I literally will lie and manipulate myself into that position where I can justify using again and the whole cycle starts again.
I’ve been on subblocade for a bit now which is bupe injections once a month or whatever. So when I do relapse it’s with stimulants. As the bupe blocks any buzz I might feel from the fent; or I’d have to use a monstrous amount of down to feel it.
I’m currently seeking out some in-patient residential treatment programs to get and keep myself on track.
I already have a slight dependence on zopiclone and quetiapine for sleep . And it not only fucks with my memory but it sucks the motivation out of me. Takes an hour for me to actually wake up and get out of bed in the morning. It’s been a long ass road and I’m tired of throwing my life down the tubes. I’ve been the baller in the Audi thinking I was some king pin sellling dope to my friends - and I’ve been the guy nodded out passed out on the sidewalk with nowhere to go… today its been about 2-3 weeks since my last binge and all I’ve been doing is smoking a bit of weed to calm my nerves or whatever.
I’m rambling now but if there’s anybody out there that can either contribute to this thread or even inbox me with suggestions or your own experiences id greatly appreciate it.
Thanks
