Wet Blanket - Critique?

[RussellG]

You can't quite pinpoint it. You know it's there, pushing down on your brain from the top and sides, slight pressure that feels like a warm wet blanket, turning your thoughts into doubts. Doubts about yourself, more specifically, your physical and mental wellbeing.

I gave up on spiritual wellbeing along time ago.

You sit around, you think about crying, because you are just so sure that this is it, this time you really will snap because it's just so intense. In the end, it seems to peak, plateau for awhile, and then dissipiate. You feel mentally exhausted, yet relieved that your back to a state that you can almost bare.

When you think it's over you start getting pains in your chest, tightness, the anxiety has returned, laughing, you are gonna die bitch! At first you don't know how you'd rather feel, that you're about to die from a massive stroke or heart attack, or that you're going insane.

After awhile it's almost like a routine and you grow accustomed to these feelings, almost like going through the motions. Bearable, annoying, a dull pain, all words to describe it.

One day you're at work. Today it's crazy thoughts. Whoops, you've cut yourself with a Stanley knife. Better get a tissue or something.

Two different paths open up to you at this point.

The first path most people will take is the 'ohfucki'vecutmyself' path, and will promptly bandaid that bitch up.

Walking along the second path, you realise that everything has stopped.

The wet blanket has backed off a little. He's still there but he's just backed off a ways, giving you a little space. You don't feel pain anywhere, except that one place. That small cut on your finger has drowned everything in the whole world.

You're at home with a box of razors.


~ To be continued? ~

I may continue on with this short story. While writing that last line though I thought it ended kind of well (in a morbid sense that is ).

I think I might explore this character a little more though, who is semi based on myself.

Hope I don't actually sound crazy writing something like this

 

[jeebus13]

very well written, and actually it's a solid character base. I found myself writing a lot of stuff from the "hurt" POV lately and I think that the morbid ending is actually perfect. It reads like the jacket of a book with an interesting cover.
Nice.

 

[RussellG]

Thanks for the reply Jeebus I really appreciate it :D

 

[faceless_shadow]

i really liked it...i can place myself in the story. It has a good ending too

 

[Rollingrrl]

I liked it as well. unfortunately I've stood there myself with a box of razors and a box of bandaids. the thing that stood out the most to me is that your writing transports me back to that place easily. I was reading Bluelight one minute and standing in that darkened bathroom the next. that's a gift to be able to write that way. good job!

 

[Raz]

You can't quite pinpoint it. You know it's there, pushing down on your brain from the top and sides, slight pressure that feels like a warm wet blanket, turning your thoughts into doubts. Doubts about yourself, more specifically, your physical and mental wellbeing.

I gave up on spiritual wellbeing along time ago.

**********

Walking along the second path, you realise that everything has stopped.

The wet blanket has backed off a little. He's still there but he's just backed off a ways, giving you a little space. You don't feel pain anywhere, except that one place. That small cut on your finger has drowned everything in the whole world.

You're at home with a box of razors.

These parts really worked well...like Rollingrrl said, it really transports the reader back to that place. And I especially like how I couldn't see it coming, it's like a surprise punch but without being at all tacky or cliche.

The other part in the middle...I dunno, maybe it's just me, but it doesn't seem to have the same tightness about it. Feels like it's kind of meandering about until you get to the part you really want to write. That's just my opinion though...I quite liked it all up.

 

[RussellG]

Well thank you all very much for the constructive and positive comments.

Raz, about the middle.. yeah you're probably right. At that point I think I was rushing to write that, I just wanted to get it out and finished.

Edit: I'd just like to add that at this point in time I am still very unsure about my writing, this has given me a boost....

 

[Dastrix Slogan]

I knew someone who used to cut themselves, this certainly shines a light on the situation - and like Raz said you don't see it coming, I'm following and thinking to myself "yes thats right" and then it hits! - and it makes sense.

Very clever.