Welcome to me...

[therealhatchet]

They want words, but they wont get it, not sitting in front of me, they wont get what I cant say but only write, they wont understand, they wont get my point, I wont convey the emotions or the message I need to for these doctors to understand the problems and issues that taunt and haunt me. The depression that take the energy from me, so I cant play with my kids, I cant get out of bed, and everything makes me cry, you every cry because you couldn't stop crying? or wake up crying, the tears flow randomly, during rage, happy, whenever I feel if they control me and not likewise, To rage where the drop of a hat makes me flip out and destroy all in my path, they would hear the bi-polar, they wouldn't take head to the insomnia I have, never able to get a right sleeping pattern, staying awake for the highs and sleeping through the lows. My life is a constant tip toe around the emotions that bind me, shouldn't it be other way around? I can't take my own family out to eat, because being in public makes my heart race, I sweat, I can't control my surroundings, I cant protect, I can't control, are these people listening to me? Why does he keep looking at me? I used to get away from dinners by going outside to smoke cigarettes(I quit now almost a year, now I just hide in the bathroom stalls) , long ones two three long drags off a 100 would help, plus the beer there was always the beer at dinner, but I don't bring beer home with me, I'm an addiction channel, but I wont let alcohol take another. Will they see the small parts of ocd, there are certain ways I do everything, and I cant budge on them, I wake up take a shower go back to bed, then get up make the bed, clean the room from the night before, I cant do ANYTHING else before that;s done, the rest of the day will be me angry and trouble breathing and when you have asthma that aint helpful, Yeah they will see the doctors diagnosed me with manic depressive, and adhd, and add, and odd, and underlying ocd, with rage black outs that are now occurring without rage incident with missing memory fragments, my life is a blur, do I know the decisions I am making now, or do I just remember them afterwords? How can one live in the five minute ago past, without the future killing him? Does the panic attacks that take my breath and make me sweet and worry and paranoid envelope me, or do I create them? Like i do with the lies that I create randomly to misguide for my own ineptness. I want to creat a better me, but I cant move during the day, stop moving during the night, and leaving my safe heaven bedroom for more then an hour is painful. It used to be easier, but lately, since the layoff, since the blacks outs started life is just one long bland and dull day, there isn't life behind my eyes anymore I feel. I feel drained of every inch of power, adderal lithium depakote, zoloft, ritilian, all those different drugs, most of my life I was on some kind of schedule drug intake program, from day 1, I didn't speak until I was 3, then started in the add, and adhd give him a couple pills for that, then early on bi-polar manic depressive, odd, possible small scale ocd, and rage issues, seven different pills in the morning 2 in the afternoon, 1 at night. I was tired, I wasn't even sure who I was, I was zoloft, I was depakote and what not, I was so focused on the to list for my tasks I couldn't make it to do the tasks, I was blind to anything in my surroundings only that of what I was interested in my family suffered, but it was a health me, the one who graded high school and became a day care worker, until the first of the black outs, the rage that boils in me sometimes, I can feel the anger inside of me rushing to my skull as if my veins were pushing a air pocket to my brain. then nothing, blank, I awake in the aftermath of the rage I let loose, nobodies hurt, not this time, but what about next time? What if next time it's not the whole in the wall, its serious damages to my family, my friends. The pot dulls my anger, makes me eat and gives me enough of a buzz to enjoy the day, but prohibits me from getting a job or remembering what I did ten seconds ago, then again i don't anyways, and it also I know doesn't help the panic, or the paranoia, but it's no difference then the first 20 years I had without the pot, I want to find a function button, I don't want to cry because my problems are killing me, I feel as if the anger and the depression are fighting for the balance's and neither ying nor yang has picked a side. Drinking makes me social-able, the pot makes me functionable, I dont go out much anymore, these days its sitting at home, I dont like drinking just to feel semi not dhying when in public, and I dont want to spend the rest of my life filling my lungs with pot smoke, I know there is no happy side, I decided to stop all the pills at 17 no more, cold turkey, and managed well enough for a couple years. then the blackouts where the doctors looked at my brain and found nothing wrong what so ever, mri, scans, and it all, I sit empty handed and at a loss, I pick up weed, and the black outs disappear, and Im able to function with the nightly release I was freedom almost it seemed, the wool pulled over my eyes had me believing I had found a cure all, until tolerance became an issue, don't let people tell you pot is no mental addiction, its fed off me ever since, even now 4 or so years since my last blackout besides just recently the pot had helped, only problem is tolerance becomes and issue you buy more smoke more to maintain more, it wont always work. and now, everything has changed, my body is aching, im restless, with insomnia, and depression in the day i sleep, and manic in the night I feel like I ate seventy packs of sugar, I try and throw myself into a project to get charged into it, and focus that energy on one thing but the adhd wont let that happen will it? nope another day with 100000 things started, nothing finish. Large crowds, don't put me in the anymore, I could handle it, highschool was so hard they put me in special classes the entire time, less student more abuse. Teachers who didnt know how to deal with my problems facing me outside instead of to the blackboard, the fights with students because I was different, the constant fear of anyone bigger then me trying to do the same. The heart pumps the cold blood through my veins this problems these things that eat at me, have made me a uncaring unloving sometimes emotionless bastard, called an asshole on a daily basis, I try to not hurt, but it seems my brain wants to, I smoke to kill the anger. My life inst what it needs to be, im about 3 months away from loosing it all. I've been layed off quite sometime and before I was busting my hump but the market right now just isnt into hiring mode, and the anxiety making it so bad that I miss job interviews because Im too scared to leave my car, I'm going to lose it all soon if I cant get it together unemployment will dry up and then Ill just be a burden, I'm tired of holding everyone back including me, Monday I'm going in, im getting checked up and try and with all my might become who I know I can be one day. I'm a good father, its the hardest thing I have ever done, but I love them both more then anything and they deserve a daddy who can be there for them, protect them and be the MAN I AM SUPPOSED to be, not this crying, emotional raging, pothead pansy that replaced the person that used to be a great friend, a loving husband, and a devoted father. I pray everyday that god when he says he never gives anyone more then they can handle he means it, because I'm starting to feel as if he lied to me. I'm not suicidal far from it, im responsible after all the shit Ive put my loving caring dedicated wife through, the vacations spent in the hotel cuz I don't like leaving, the vacations we cut short cuz I couldn't take being so uncomfortable, the rage, the depression the drug abuse. the lies, everything, I wont leave her alone, I well be here for her till god takes me nothing else. Im damned if this fear of the outside that cripples me will take me down, cuz if it did it means my kids wont have the life they deserve and I just wont let that happen. I know this is a long read, and probably a waste of your time, and I didn't write it for you, I wrote it for me, see with all these issues in place I have no way to express, but this keyboard this keyboard allows me to be a stealth ninja if I want, one who can explain these issues. One who is brave enough to tell my story.