Weird psychological problem

[rb_drifter]

Basically this started around 3 years ago.

Used to smoke a lot of weed and take a fair amount of pills and mdma. I don't smoke weed at all anymore and haven't done so for around 3 years. Dabbled in mdma a couple of times since, but only about 3 times, the last time being nearly a year ago.

Anyway, had a night out, drank a lot, had about 7 medium strength pills (ecstasy), then went back to a small gathering at a house, smoked lots weed and had a big line of ketamine. Now, there was people there I had only met that night, and the concoction of drugs/ alcohol made me get very anxious and have paranoia. To be honest it was messy and I was fucked. There was a girl there that kept asking if i wanted a lift home (about 5am at this point) I just kept saying no it's ok, i'll find my own way etc. Due to my mind being fucked by a combination of all the drugs coupled with the fact I was feeling very paranoid and anxious in the environment I was in, I completely missed the point that this girl was in fact trying to come on to me, and see if I wanted to go back for some sexy fun time. (I found this out the next day)

Probably 2 hours later, I woke up on a sofa feeling grim. There was 2 other lads in the room (that I didn't know, but were there on the night) on the floor still awake, smoking weed. They thought I was still asleep, but I was in fact lying there with my eyes closed with my head just spinning. There were giggling and joking, making jokes and allusions to the fact that I must be gay. I was at this point just getting it clear in my head what had happened earlier. For some reason this sparked something in my head, like a very odd pyschotic feeling of weird paranoia, and soon after this I just got up and left the house and went back to mine. I had it in my head that everyone now thought I was gay, people I just met, people I didn't even know etc, being overly paranoid. There was a couple of old friends of mine that were out on the night, and were mates with the 2 lads in that room. So I was thinking in my head everyone would tell everyone and so on.

Just to clarify this now, I am not gay, always been attracted to women, and currently have a long term girlfriend, but I didn't at the time. Every time people used the word gay, or other similar terms, it just put this very strange, indescribable feeling in my head and made me very uncomfortable, all relating back that incident. I'm sure people can see it, and that makes it even worse.

I stopped smoking weed completely after that, and stopped the mdma/ pills for a long time. I'm sure it's had an affect on talking to certain people, and how I behave in group situations (more introverted and quiet), and has got me very paranoid on occasions since when in larger groups etc.

It has got a lot better in recent times, and I sometimes I almost just force myself to think that its just completely stupid, and it's all in my head, and this does seem to work for a while, basically making me how I used to be (i'm guessing my general mood is a lot better in these times anyway). But there are still times when I do think about it, and it definitely affects me. For example, working with a new bunch of people (say 5 blokes, non of whom that i've known previously). I love getting involved in all the banter and having a laugh, and always have done, but at certain times will get on onslaught of some quite fierce paranoia. If there happens to be a conversation about homosexuals or something, I will get that strange feeling again, and be thinking that they all think i'm gay etc. Someone has even come up to me afterwards and jokingly said 'don't worry, we all know you're gay' . I just don't know how to react to it, I never know what to say, and go all 'weird' again. So in their eyes, which I can understand completely, they probably think I am. It's just a vicious circle.

Now i've got a serious girlfriend, which has helped me massively just in general, I feel more comfortable in talking to new people, and can go back to having a good laugh with people and forming new friendships. However, that underlying episode is still there.


I just wanted to share this with people on here and ultimately would be grateful for some feedback. I've never explained this story like I have now to absolutely anyone, so you should all feel blessed haha. It has been pretty relieving to actually explain it and get it off my chest, i've just never had the bottle to before with anyone, as I just think they will think i'm being an idiot or whatever.

Sorry for the essay!

Just to add, I did go to the doctor about 2 years ago and just described problems of feeling down , and slightly depressed (nothing like the story above!), and was prescribed citalopram. Took them for about 4 - 5 months I think it was. Felt as though they did absolutely fuck

 

[ad lib]

So the main issue here is feeling paranoid and anxious in social situations?

I get like that too. I either avoided crowded places or go when I've taken my Xanax. I freak over knowing all the germs, who may be watching me to judge me, etc.

In one on one social situations I'm just...awkward. I've been told by my friends and family that I'm "quirky" and "intense", but I just feel as if I'm awkward as fuck. I always feel like people are hanging on my every word and constantly over analyzing everything I say, thus I talk more to avoid any room for speculation. Maybe I'm just mirroring what I'd like because that's exactly how I am- an over analyzer.

I haven't really found a good way to deal with this other than my prescribed Xanax. I also have a script for Venlafaxine that I occasionally take if I need an extra burst of energy because it induces mania.

 

[rb_drifter]

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, you probably hit the nail on the head there. It's weird because it's not all the time.

There are times that I know I can handle such situations, and make myself do it. It's these times when it's not really an issue, as I sort of force myself into thinking that it's all in my head etc. But then obviously there are the times like you describe, definitely over-analysing stuff, and getting paranoid of being judged etc, so it does affect my life fairly significantly. I know it does probably stem from that incident above, and in my opinion from smoking a lot of weed at a young age.

I'll have to google xanax and do some research.

Edit: it's strange because more often than not I just force myself to accept these situations and generally they pan out ok, however I obviously know there is underlying problem, and it can have an affect

 

[Op eace]

I mean, it's quite clear you aren't entirely comfortable with your sexuality. I'm not saying you're gay, as I went through similar issues as you, and I'm not.

Im not sure there's a solution here, besides time.

 

[Maya]

Tbh It happened 3 years ago it was a long time ago so just forget about it. You have a gf now so who cares about what other people say? And so what if they think you are gay? I can't believe a lot of people are still talking like this about gay people kinda frustrating tbh

You don't have to prove anyone anything so just try to move on from that. You know yourself and your sexuality and that's what matters.

 

[herbavore]

It sounds like maybe there are two possible ways to understand why this still affects you so much. The first thing that rises to the surface for me from your story is just the way that we can be made to feel outside of the group and how deeply terrifying this is when we are young. As teens we are moving further and further away from our families and our sense of belonging comes more and more from peers. Being high and maybe in a heightened state of paranoia and thinking that you were being mocked was especially vulnerable to you at a time when you were internally dealing with the uncertainty of that transition. The fact that the mocking had to do with being gay may or may not be significant but just a trigger that remains because that was the issue that the mockery took at the time.

It sounds like you have a very sensitive nature and the best thing that you can do is to accept that for the gift it is and try to pay close attention to the things that make you uncomfortable. Ask yourself what the fear is when t arises. Take time to feel all the uncomfortable feelings and see what kind of thoughts you have about them.

I'm curious if you have many gay friends or if many of the people you are around are generally homophobic?

Whatever the source I hope that setting it down like this helps and that you continue to get more comfortable with yourself. Getting comfortable with yourself is a lifelong process so be patient and know that the first steps are always just looking closely at what makes you uncomfortable.