Wedding etiquette

[doofqueen]

I have a question and if you want to move it elsewhere please do so but it’s about Australian weddings (and yes that includes all cultures seeing as we are a multicultural country) but mainly “aussie” weddings…. By “aussie” people. Not bogan stubbie short type people (not that there’s anything wrong with that ) but just people who live in Australia that don’t have ethnic backgrounds. Does that make more sense?

When asking someone to be your bridesmaid is it traditional to ask them to pay for their own dress? I always thought it was but the more people I talk to the less this seems to be true? And if it is, what’s a reasonable amount to expect someone to pay for the dress?

And hair and makeup… do you ask bridesmaids to pay for their own hair and makeup that day? Or does the bride do that?

And what sort of present is usually given to a bridesmaid as a thankyou?

No I’m not planning a wedding. I’m just wondering about Australian etiquette as from a polish family you wouldn’t dream of asking a bridesmaid to pay for anything to be a part of your own wedding and I always was under the impression that it was an aussie thing to be “tight” I guess you could say with this stuff.

I hope I haven’t offended or upset anyone in this post. I always seem to say something wrong to someone these days when I have an opinion but I guess I’m just asking questions here so I should be safe.

 

[vanth]

Usually bridesmaids pay for their own dress. Not sure about the hair and makeup. A bridesmaids present would be something like a nice necklace (not too expensive), or a bracelet. Sometimes bridesmaids don't always get presents, however.

 

[m4dd0g]

I hope I haven’t offended or upset anyone in this post. I always seem to say something wrong to someone these days when I have an opinion but I guess I’m just asking questions here so I should be safe.

^ From my experience people who get upset at posts either want to or deserve it. I wouldnt let it bother you

Traditionally bridesmaids were a decoy against raiding tribesmen with a boner for the bride. It seems it would be common cutesy to anti up for the frock (or at least the dry cleaning bill)

In modern times its pretty much the same deal except the bewildering array of eye torchering maids dresses are a visual decoy from the hideous overweight abomination stuffed into the merang tepee crying her heart out at the altar*

* Having been in 4 or 5 wedding parties ive found its this kind of mental oration that gets me through to the free drinks at the reception

 

[TheLoveBandit]

Not Aussie, sorry, but I can say I've never heard of any bride paying for their bridesmaid's dresses - every girl is 'honored' to be asked and purchases her own dress either matching the group or within a spectrum of acceptable likeness. As to gifts, I've usually seen the same gift given to all the girls as opposed to something different for each one (cuts down the favoritism aspect), and the gifts are completely up to the bride's taste, finances, and relationship to the maids. I'd point you to several wedding sites that offer listings of gifts, just to give you an idea, but I'm not sure that's what you want.

 

[Doppelganger]

In my family, the bride would certainly provide the dresses for the bridesmaids and the [ever precious] flowergirls.

I wouldn't be offended if someone asked me to pay for my own dress though.

 

[kytnism]

Usually bridesmaids pay for their own dress. Not sure about the hair and makeup. A bridesmaids present would be something like a nice necklace (not too expensive), or a bracelet. Sometimes bridesmaids don't always get presents, however.

a friend of mine GAVE her bridesmaids their bridal jewellery and a hair voucher as her thankyou gifts; and it worked out fantastically. the girls only had to pay for their dresses; and got a day at the salon being group pampered, and a gorgeous personalised piece of jewellery to boot.

...kytnism...

 

[Samadhi]

That's a nice idea, Kytn.

It all depends on your wedding budget. When we got married, due to the circumstances and the time we had to actually plan it (just over a month), i didn't have bridesmaids, my mum was my witness - and she already had a dress to wear. SUre, it's an honour to be asked to be bridesmaid, but some consideration needs to be given for each persons financial circumstances. If the dresses aren't expensive and they're happy to, then sure, they can pay for it, but hey - if you're wanting all of your bridesmaids to be decked out in $2000 Vera Wang gowns, then bloody well pay for it yourself.

I've been in one wedding party where my dress was paid for, and one where i had to buy the dress myself - however the dress i bought myself wasn't particularly "wedding-esque" so i could wear it again. It's a bit rich to ask people to pay exorbinant amounts for a dress they're going to wear once. An alternative is to hire bridesmaids dresses... nowadays, with weddings being such big business, hire shops can't afford to have shitty bridesmaids dresses, and you'll find that there are some pretty lovely styles out there - and you don't have to buy.

 

[MazDan]

Traditionally bridesmaids were a decoy against raiding tribesmen with a boner for the bride. It seems it would be common cutesy to anti up for the frock (or at least the dry cleaning bill)

In modern times its pretty much the same deal except the bewildering array of eye torchering maids dresses are a visual decoy from the hideous overweight abomination stuffed into the merang tepee crying her heart out at the altar*

I had no idea................see you learn somethink everyday.


So if the bridesmaids were to act as a decoy then what are the groomsmens jobs?

Im guessing to try and talk some last minute sense into the groom hoping he will see past the meranque and into the future pile of haranguing he will get.

 

[TheLoveBandit]

Heh, I worded it poorly, but my intent falls in line with samadhi's post. In the past, and still nowadays to some degree, bridesmaids in the weddings I've been to have been asked to buy their own dress, but generally leeway has been given in particular selection. Bride has a color in mind, indicating a preference for style, but in all the girls were left to take the color and pick a cut and style that doesn't make them look hideous. The color plays out well, and the cuts allow smaller girls and larger girls to stand side-by-side without appearing out of sense with one another. This puts it in the hands of the maid on how much to spend on the dress. Best of all, it allows the maids to pick something they CAN wear at other times, a very appreciated bonus.

And yes, if you expect them all to buy Vera Wang type stuff, either you AND your friends are extremely well off, or you ought to rethink what you're asking of them It can be an honor, but it shouldn't be a burden.

I'm just not used to the Bride paying for the dresses (unless she *has* to have a specific dress ), because they are generally strapped for money with the event and the usual financial obligations falling near the event (honeymoon, sometimes moving in together, etc). Yes, the bride's parents usually cover the majority of the actual wedding bill, but modern times find me at weddings with older couples whose parents either can't help much or have been let off the hook by the choices being made by the couple (they want more, it falls to them to pay for it - fire eaters, clowns, water slides, whatever might go above 'need' and into 'want').

The gift of hair and makeup is a very good one. And, the jewelry has been a common gift I've seen (ie, a necklace or bracelet and charm) that would allow the girls to show more 'togetherness' without favoritism, and generally prove to be something wearable more than once BTW, I for one have way too many flasks as a groomsmen

 

[m4dd0g]

So if the bridesmaids were to act as a decoy then what are the groomsmens jobs?

The best man was the best swordsman in the village

 

[Nicstar]

i don't care if it is tradition, it really sits unwell with the me the idea of the bride expecting bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses. To me I would want the people beside me on my wedding day to be my closest family friends, and to think that person who has been through the ups and downs in my life with me, just because they were in a really bad financial state would be ruled out.

I can see where its come from traditionally- but the only way I would ever pay for my own dress as a bridesmaid, would be if I chose on my own my dress- sure with guidelines colour etc, but I wouldn't want to have to choose in consultation with a couple of other girls so we all looked the same.

If I ever choose to go through all this marriage stuff, I would buy the bridesmaid dress as the gift. And let her choose what she wants... Just because I choose to get married and be all fancy like, does not mean my friend/s now have to be out of pocket for a dress they may wear once or twice again in their lifetime, if that.

 

[eggman]

Traditionally bridesmaids were a decoy against raiding tribesmen with a boner for the bride. It seems it would be common cutesy to anti up for the frock (or at least the dry cleaning bill)

OMG... is this for real, can you point me to some source of information that supports this, I'm interested to read more.

That just puts a whole new spin on the entire concept.

Who would want to take that role on. Its like being secret service for the President, instead of taking a bullet your going to cop a good cocking from some horny kidnapping guy

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

a friend of mine GAVE her bridesmaids their bridal jewellery and a hair voucher as her thankyou gifts; and it worked out fantastically. the girls only had to pay for their dresses; and got a day at the salon being group pampered, and a gorgeous personalised piece of jewellery to boot.

...kytnism...

This was similar to what we did. We shared the costs, basically. I purchased my bridesmaids' jewellery, paid for their hair and makeup, and paid for our pre-wedding night accommodation (we had a girly night in a hotel the night before).

For their part they paid for their dress material (our dressmaker was my hubby's mum, so that was free) and their shoes. But they were free to wear shoes they already had if they wanted, I wasn't fussy.

I think it's a nice gesture to a) at least pay for SOME of the bridesmaids' costs or b) buy them a significant gift, if not. I didn't get them a gift but I'd outlayed a fair bit with the other stuff.

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

Yes, the bride's parents usually cover the majority of the actual wedding bill,

They do??? That's news to me

I think it's far commoner these days for the couple to foot most of the bill themselves, if they're an average late-20's-early 30's pair who've been living together a couple of years, out of home and working for a significant amount of time. Unless you're of ethnic background or quite young it's not the automatic norm these days to have your wedding paid for.

We didn't get any help at all.

 

[MazDan]

Who would want to take that role on. Its like being secret service for the President, instead of taking a bullet your going to cop a good cocking from some horny kidnapping guy

(puts hand up)

How can I resist when you put it like that.

 

[katmeow]

DQ... I'll give this a couple of days here, then shift it over to Secon Opinion with a redirect. It could be interesting to see what other sorts of answers you get there from the non-aussie posters


The only wedding I've been a bridesmaid at I had to pay for the dress, shoes and hair. I did my own makeup, otherwise I would have had to pay for that to. Initially the bride was going to have me choose the dress and the other bridesmaids just wear my choice, but it turned out that my choice didn't suit them at all. We ended up getting the dresses made. They were lovely and about $100 cheaper, but it wasn't something I'd ever wear again.

 

[m4dd0g]

OMG... is this for real, can you point me to some source of information that supports this, I'm interested to read more.

That just puts a whole new spin on the entire concept.

Who would want to take that role on. Its like being secret service for the President, instead of taking a bullet your going to cop a good cocking from some horny kidnapping guy

Someone told me once... possibly in a pub .. i may have been drunk
oh, and i read it on the internet - so it must be true

Heh, wikipedia has a crap article supporting what i said but some more digging produced this:
http://www.handfasting.info/histanglo.html which sounds slightly more credible.

Essentially the best man was the best swordsman to take on raiding parties where you would steal your bride. The bridesmaids were decoys to confuse evil spirits at the ceremony (obviously spirits love the taste of stuffed merang)

Wow, i realised i lied to a whole wedding reception in my best man speech a couple of months ago. Pfft, ive never let truth get in the way of a good story anyway. The bridesmaids loved being called decoys though - classic :D

 

[UnSquare]

Convientiuvement...

Sad But True:

Marriage = Livin' With Someone...

Go
de
Fact,
Doe...



...
..
.

 

[Samadhi]

^ I don't know about anywhere else, but in QLD, a defacto relationship (i hate the word defacto, for some reason - i always associate it with something negative: "Man murdered by his defacto wife") pretty much equates to a legal marriage anyway (a common-law marriage - living with someone for 6 months or more) - a friend of ours is going through a pretty hard legal time right now, with his ex defacto...she's trying to take him for everything.

 

[ayjay]

I can't help throwing in the prophetic words of Rudimentary Peni, on their classic album "Death Church":

Is your loving so stifled
So perverted and sick
That you need vows and duties
So that it won't slip?

Holy matrimony
Is a blissful myth
Wholly based on tradition
Wholly based on bullshit


Now what was the question again?