drug_wench
Bluelight Crew
i finally made it into detox after a long wait of coming off a high dose of methadone and came out telling myself this was it...this time id definitely hit my own version of rock bottom...16 days after admission and im already making my way back to the bullshit that landed me on the stuff in the first place...
over the past year, while slowly weaning myself off the done, i managed to kick methamphetamine. finally. ive been very fortunate having the support of keira (Sweet P) - were no longer together but have stayed really tight, and i dont know that id be sitting here typing this if it wasnt for her. we both had pretty heavy meth habits, and somehow with the help of each other, we managed to kick it. we both told ourselves itd never be 'never again' - that was too hard - that we just didnt want to be hooked.
i set myself boundaries with it - never use it alone, never seek it out, never take it home (chip in if mates buy it, by all means, but when it comes time to end the party, should there be any left, unlikely as that might be, it stays with whoever else is using it), never buy it for myself...that kind of thing. eventually other meth users stopped contacting me, dealers no longer took an interest in me, the contacts started dropping off and, together, keira and i both stopped. i still tell myself its not 'never again' but i havent touched it for a good 6 months. i have no desire to use meth.
but then again im so strung-out from chronic dopesickness that maybe thats all thats keeping me off it.
i was a poly-substance abuser for years and i barely even touch weed these days.
if you had told me id shed every other drug, including meth, my so-called 'drug of choice', and just be left with opiates i wouldnt have believed you. over the years i was on done i actually told myself my opiate addiction was cured.
methadone was a disaster for me. i spent all day every day just lying in bed. i stopped competing on my horses, something i thought id never lose the passion for. i came on this site every day for years - on methadone i couldnt even get myself up to use the computer. i stopped showering. i never stabilised properly and reached 250mg at one point. i was no more functional on it than i was on heroin. so i had to come off it.
somewhere down the line, earlier this year, while reducing my dose at a rate of knots, i started shooting street drugs again. id had this insane idea that itd be smart to use mistys (dont know if thats just NZ slang...morphine sulphate tablets) to help me wean down faster, and it worked at first. id never really got into slamming mistys before - it was mainly homebake/heroin i was into - so i thought itd be safe, but when my tolerance started to climb i started to look for smack again. it wasnt that hard either - itd been really hard to get over here for awhile but has been making a bit of a comeback lately, and the same guy that sold me the mistys used it, so he started hooking me up.
things started to go downhill more and more. i kept dropping the methadone dose and shooting more and more smack (or if i couldnt get it, mistys). once id awoken the needle fixation i started shooting my takeaway doses of done to add to the mess. i was borrowing money or buying on tick and still owe thousands, and by the time i admitted what was happening to the caseworker who dealt with my methadone script, and was waiting on detox, i was a wreck. it could take 2 hours just to find a vein and i kept ending up in hospital for infections or bad tastes. i never left my room but to eat, drink or shower occasionaly, unless i was scurrying off to meet the dealer. it was amazing how fast it got to that point this time - before giving into methadone id spent at least 3 years shooting drugs, with only short periods of sobriety in between, before everything collapsed around me to that degree, and id been on more than just opiates back then. i was doing much more disgusting things to obtain the gear at that stage but i was physically much more functional. this time its like my body was saying enoughs enough.
keira stuck by me every step of the way. i was obviously desperate, i was seeking help, i was booked into detox followed by rehab (id always avoided rehab in the past) and i was promising everyone this was it, it couldnt get any worse, i was sick of being a junkie. few people believed in me but i think keira did.
so did i, sadly enough. i believed i was ready to never stick another pin in my arm again, and, unlike with meth, i didnt set boundaries with myself about using it, because theres no part of me thats ever enjoyed using heroin socially. ive come across social heroin users but im not one of them, neither can i ever see myself becoming one, so the plan was to never use it again.
it was the worst detox ive ever been through - ive come off opiates over and over again, usually in detox, but this time i had 35mg methadone to contend with, on top of the street drugs. the only way they were going to take me in at that stage was if i agreed to switch from methadone to suboxone maintenance, which wasnt an idea i was thrilled with - im sick of being tied to chemists and dealing with the doctor and caseworker, whod spent most of the time i was coming off the done trying to talk me into staying on it. but it was that or wait til i was right off the done, and by then i was running out of veins, racking up a bigger and bigger debt, and getting more and more sick, so i just went with the suboxone idea.
i spent the last 5 days before going in on a massive binge, putting smack and mistys up my arm every few hours and eating benzos on top of it to get as out of it as i could. it was kind of pointless - those days if i wanted to truly enjoy the nod i had to practically overdose. basically i just went into detox with a higher tolerance than i already had, and had to go through a benzo comedown too. my methadone script had stopped too which probably didnt help.
i spent the first 2 days puking my guts out before theyd got me up to enough suboxone to touch me, and even on 32mg im still physically uncomfortable. i felt cheated because i thought itd be some quick fix but the doctor said with the combination of the methadone that still had to get out of my body, as well as the other shit, id be pretty crook for a few weeks afterwards. id lied to them about the amount of heroin i was using and over the weekend id amped it up more than i should have - if id been honest i wouldnt have been allowed in.
unfortunately, once i was still dopesick but well enough to get up and about, the cravings became unbearable again, which has always been my past experience of coming off opiates, only this time id been told the suboxone would help with the cravings so id expected something a bit more manageable.
i only had a bed in detox for a week because theyd expected me to come out stabilised on the suboxone, so i came out still hanging out. i go to an outpatient rehab from monday - thursday, but its round the road from my dealers place and, while im finding it a really positive experience because its keeping me too occupied to notice the on-going mild withdrawals, i havent succeeded in staying clean.
so far, over the 11 days ive spent back in the real world, ive shot up 4 times. no i havent touched smack, its only been mistys, but i feel like its just a matter of time. im totally cracking.
just last night i slammed mistys in the car, having gone straight from an NA meeting to the dealers. theres something really fucking wrong with that.
the suboxone works in some ways, it makes using pretty inconvenient, but at a decent dose it still feels worth it, which means more money wasted. it hasnt reduced the cravings for the drug, and of course it cant help with the needle fixation.
i feel like im trying to do all the right things. im doing the rehab program and not worming my way out of it as i have in the past. im doing NA meetings and have a sponsor, whos very patient with me considering. im taking the suboxone whether it appears to work for me or not. im not seeking drugs out, just getting texts and calls from the dealer offering 'bargains' all the time - id told him i was quitting smack, and he was amazingly 'supportive'. he wasnt making a great profit out of smack because he doesnt actually deal it himself...he used to just score it for me at the same time and take a generous portion out for himself...i never told him i was quitting mistys becuase i didnt think id even feel like going back to them. id get a new simcard for my phone but if im really hanging i know the guys number off by heart. im not getting in touch with anyone who doesnt support what im trying to do, which is hard because those who do support me are pretty disappointed in me, or come across that way, which doesnt help.
i dont want to be a junkie anymore, i dont want to spend my life addicted to any drug - meth was just as bad - but i seem to be incapable of staying clean.
i dont really know if im looking for reassurance, answers probably none of you can give me, advice, or if im simply just venting, but if you managed to read your way though all that, thanks!!!
over the past year, while slowly weaning myself off the done, i managed to kick methamphetamine. finally. ive been very fortunate having the support of keira (Sweet P) - were no longer together but have stayed really tight, and i dont know that id be sitting here typing this if it wasnt for her. we both had pretty heavy meth habits, and somehow with the help of each other, we managed to kick it. we both told ourselves itd never be 'never again' - that was too hard - that we just didnt want to be hooked.
i set myself boundaries with it - never use it alone, never seek it out, never take it home (chip in if mates buy it, by all means, but when it comes time to end the party, should there be any left, unlikely as that might be, it stays with whoever else is using it), never buy it for myself...that kind of thing. eventually other meth users stopped contacting me, dealers no longer took an interest in me, the contacts started dropping off and, together, keira and i both stopped. i still tell myself its not 'never again' but i havent touched it for a good 6 months. i have no desire to use meth.
but then again im so strung-out from chronic dopesickness that maybe thats all thats keeping me off it.
i was a poly-substance abuser for years and i barely even touch weed these days.
if you had told me id shed every other drug, including meth, my so-called 'drug of choice', and just be left with opiates i wouldnt have believed you. over the years i was on done i actually told myself my opiate addiction was cured.
methadone was a disaster for me. i spent all day every day just lying in bed. i stopped competing on my horses, something i thought id never lose the passion for. i came on this site every day for years - on methadone i couldnt even get myself up to use the computer. i stopped showering. i never stabilised properly and reached 250mg at one point. i was no more functional on it than i was on heroin. so i had to come off it.
somewhere down the line, earlier this year, while reducing my dose at a rate of knots, i started shooting street drugs again. id had this insane idea that itd be smart to use mistys (dont know if thats just NZ slang...morphine sulphate tablets) to help me wean down faster, and it worked at first. id never really got into slamming mistys before - it was mainly homebake/heroin i was into - so i thought itd be safe, but when my tolerance started to climb i started to look for smack again. it wasnt that hard either - itd been really hard to get over here for awhile but has been making a bit of a comeback lately, and the same guy that sold me the mistys used it, so he started hooking me up.
things started to go downhill more and more. i kept dropping the methadone dose and shooting more and more smack (or if i couldnt get it, mistys). once id awoken the needle fixation i started shooting my takeaway doses of done to add to the mess. i was borrowing money or buying on tick and still owe thousands, and by the time i admitted what was happening to the caseworker who dealt with my methadone script, and was waiting on detox, i was a wreck. it could take 2 hours just to find a vein and i kept ending up in hospital for infections or bad tastes. i never left my room but to eat, drink or shower occasionaly, unless i was scurrying off to meet the dealer. it was amazing how fast it got to that point this time - before giving into methadone id spent at least 3 years shooting drugs, with only short periods of sobriety in between, before everything collapsed around me to that degree, and id been on more than just opiates back then. i was doing much more disgusting things to obtain the gear at that stage but i was physically much more functional. this time its like my body was saying enoughs enough.
keira stuck by me every step of the way. i was obviously desperate, i was seeking help, i was booked into detox followed by rehab (id always avoided rehab in the past) and i was promising everyone this was it, it couldnt get any worse, i was sick of being a junkie. few people believed in me but i think keira did.
so did i, sadly enough. i believed i was ready to never stick another pin in my arm again, and, unlike with meth, i didnt set boundaries with myself about using it, because theres no part of me thats ever enjoyed using heroin socially. ive come across social heroin users but im not one of them, neither can i ever see myself becoming one, so the plan was to never use it again.
it was the worst detox ive ever been through - ive come off opiates over and over again, usually in detox, but this time i had 35mg methadone to contend with, on top of the street drugs. the only way they were going to take me in at that stage was if i agreed to switch from methadone to suboxone maintenance, which wasnt an idea i was thrilled with - im sick of being tied to chemists and dealing with the doctor and caseworker, whod spent most of the time i was coming off the done trying to talk me into staying on it. but it was that or wait til i was right off the done, and by then i was running out of veins, racking up a bigger and bigger debt, and getting more and more sick, so i just went with the suboxone idea.
i spent the last 5 days before going in on a massive binge, putting smack and mistys up my arm every few hours and eating benzos on top of it to get as out of it as i could. it was kind of pointless - those days if i wanted to truly enjoy the nod i had to practically overdose. basically i just went into detox with a higher tolerance than i already had, and had to go through a benzo comedown too. my methadone script had stopped too which probably didnt help.
i spent the first 2 days puking my guts out before theyd got me up to enough suboxone to touch me, and even on 32mg im still physically uncomfortable. i felt cheated because i thought itd be some quick fix but the doctor said with the combination of the methadone that still had to get out of my body, as well as the other shit, id be pretty crook for a few weeks afterwards. id lied to them about the amount of heroin i was using and over the weekend id amped it up more than i should have - if id been honest i wouldnt have been allowed in.
unfortunately, once i was still dopesick but well enough to get up and about, the cravings became unbearable again, which has always been my past experience of coming off opiates, only this time id been told the suboxone would help with the cravings so id expected something a bit more manageable.
i only had a bed in detox for a week because theyd expected me to come out stabilised on the suboxone, so i came out still hanging out. i go to an outpatient rehab from monday - thursday, but its round the road from my dealers place and, while im finding it a really positive experience because its keeping me too occupied to notice the on-going mild withdrawals, i havent succeeded in staying clean.
so far, over the 11 days ive spent back in the real world, ive shot up 4 times. no i havent touched smack, its only been mistys, but i feel like its just a matter of time. im totally cracking.
just last night i slammed mistys in the car, having gone straight from an NA meeting to the dealers. theres something really fucking wrong with that.
the suboxone works in some ways, it makes using pretty inconvenient, but at a decent dose it still feels worth it, which means more money wasted. it hasnt reduced the cravings for the drug, and of course it cant help with the needle fixation.
i feel like im trying to do all the right things. im doing the rehab program and not worming my way out of it as i have in the past. im doing NA meetings and have a sponsor, whos very patient with me considering. im taking the suboxone whether it appears to work for me or not. im not seeking drugs out, just getting texts and calls from the dealer offering 'bargains' all the time - id told him i was quitting smack, and he was amazingly 'supportive'. he wasnt making a great profit out of smack because he doesnt actually deal it himself...he used to just score it for me at the same time and take a generous portion out for himself...i never told him i was quitting mistys becuase i didnt think id even feel like going back to them. id get a new simcard for my phone but if im really hanging i know the guys number off by heart. im not getting in touch with anyone who doesnt support what im trying to do, which is hard because those who do support me are pretty disappointed in me, or come across that way, which doesnt help.
i dont want to be a junkie anymore, i dont want to spend my life addicted to any drug - meth was just as bad - but i seem to be incapable of staying clean.
i dont really know if im looking for reassurance, answers probably none of you can give me, advice, or if im simply just venting, but if you managed to read your way though all that, thanks!!!
Heya darlin, sorry to hear of your current state of affairs. I'm certainly in no position to advise you or anyone else-