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Warning signs in a relationship?

L

Ladyfiend

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 27, 2013
Messages
68
Location
Melbourne
I often find it difficult to discern if my initial annoyances about a person are actually my instincts trying to paint a picture for me.

My boyfriend is great, but he's a bit selfish sometimes, doesn't show much appreciation when I do all the cooking and cleaning, and doesn't really do many thoughtful things, no flowers or random surprises etc.

Should I be concerned? Or am I expecting too much?
 
Unfortunately he may fall into the "most guys" section. There are the romantic bunch out there, but most guys just simply do not seem to go the extra mile or even think of it. If he's on the younger side, then more so.

How long have you guys been together? Living together? Have you brought any of this up to him?
 
It is well known that most men need training.
Especially in domestic matters.
The first step is to get them down the aisle, and once that is done, you must start a strict training regime.
 
Ladyfiend said:
I often find it difficult to discern if my initial annoyances about a person are actually my instincts trying to paint a picture for me.

My boyfriend is great, but he's a bit selfish sometimes, doesn't show much appreciation when I do all the cooking and cleaning, and doesn't really do many thoughtful things, no flowers or random surprises etc.

Should I be concerned? Or am I expecting too much?
Click to expand...

Both. You are expecting too much and that's why you should be concerned. Those little things will only add up and fester. You can either make a conscious choice to let go, and not care about these little things ( I advise against that. It's hard to do, and you don't just have those feelings for no reason. They are indicators )

Or, you can be communicative with him. Which is like the key to everything.. sit down and explain how his shortcomings make you feel and how you read into them. See how he responds, and act accordingly
 
Stoned Immaculate said:
Unfortunately he may fall into the "most guys" section. There are the romantic bunch out there, but most guys just simply do not seem to go the extra mile or even think of it. If he's on the younger side, then more so.

How long have you guys been together? Living together? Have you brought any of this up to him?
Click to expand...

We have been together for 6 months and moved in together quite quickly. I have mentioned that a bunch of flowers would be a nice surprise, but I have never adopted a really serious tone when mentioning this; I've tried to keep it lighthearted. I'm pretty sure he's aware that I'd like a bit more romance.

It's also worth noting that I often surprise him with things. To get the ball rolling I bought a cologne for him for no reason, just so he knew I was thinking about him in my travels that day and I thought that might inspire him to start being more thoughtful.. Leading by example, you know? He loved his gift, but not in the way previous boyfriends have appreciated such a gesture. My last long term boyfriend was very big on acts of thoughtfulness and would have been itching to get me a surprise after receiving one like that.

I'm having a hard time adjusting to this new boyfriend's modus operandi in comparison to how things were in my last relationship. I know it's not fair to compare, but I can't help it!
 
Animal Mother said:
Or, you can be communicative with him. Which is like the key to everything.. sit down and explain how his shortcomings make you feel and how you read into them. See how he responds, and act accordingly
Click to expand...

I'm a big fan of this advice. People aren't mind readers and if you want something to change or something is a concern to you then let it be heard! If you let him know what your wishes are and as long as they're realistic, you can then act accordingly if he does not adjust his behaviour.
 
Animal Mother said:
Both. You are expecting too much and that's why you should be concerned. Those little things will only add up and fester. You can either make a conscious choice to let go, and not care about these little things ( I advise against that. It's hard to do, and you don't just have those feelings for no reason. They are indicators )

Or, you can be communicative with him. Which is like the key to everything.. sit down and explain how his shortcomings make you feel and how you read into them. See how he responds, and act accordingly
Click to expand...

On one occasion when it was mentioned , he commented that he doesn't believe in buying people's affections, and although he says he won't rule out ever doing those things, he will do them at what he deems an appropriate time. In my mind, though, there is no appropriate time - that's the whole point. You're meant to do these things for no reason other than that you were thinking of the other person and wanted to give them something to show that and make them smile, you know?

What are your thoughts on his response?
 
It sounds as though he was brought up by a family which was pretty conservative, probably of British heritage, and most likely in the higher socio-economic bracket. This may sound like sterotyping, (probably because it is).
 
gestures of appreciation are very important in relationships and i find even moreso generally in long term or defacto/live in arrangements. having to discuss the issue is uncomfortable for both parties, as it leaves one person feeling demanding and the other as though they are being told to give more/they are not contributing enough. i just hope op that in discussing it together, then dropping the issue will promote positive change as you have voiced your dissatisfaction in the matter and if after you have expressed how important a small sacrifice (cooking dinner occasionally, cleaning up etc) is to you and your happiness, and your partner still doesnt respond; its a blatent lack of respect for your feelings and will only result in resent further building and will add stress to other areas of your relationship; leaving both parties feeling miserable.

i cant help but think of the adage "happy wife, happy life". that doesnt mean bending over to meet every expectation that your wife demands; it means sharing the load as a couple equally, and appreciating that each others happiness is important to sustaining a happy relationship/life.

...kytnism...:|
 
bunnymunro said:
It sounds as though he was brought up by a family which was pretty conservative, probably of British heritage, and most likely in the higher socio-economic bracket. This may sound like sterotyping, (probably because it is).
Click to expand...

Your stereotype is correct. His family are quite conservative, and I'm sure his father never surprised his mother with any of those sorts of gestures. They do have British heritage too. You're spot on!

Kytnism, I totally agree with you, and I have felt demanding even bringing it up. To me, these acts of generosity and thoughtfulness come naturally when I love someone. I just can't help but be constantly thinking of little things I could do to make sure their day is a good one. I get a lot of joy out of that and it makes me sad that he doesn't go above and beyond to make me feel special and important.

I honestly don't mind single-handedly doing the housework and cooking - I know that's not his natural inclination, and would probably resent me if I forced him to do things he hates, so I'd never impose it on him. But in lieu of insisting that he contribute domestically, I expect that he shows some gratitude. But then again, those household tasks are so removed from his agenda that I don't think he understands the effort I put in.
 
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bunnymunro said:
It is well known that most men need training.
Especially in domestic matters.
The first step is to get them down the aisle, and once that is done, you must start a strict training regime.
Click to expand...

Well, that's a very depressing way to put it. I don't think this is true at all... you should never train another person...

Ladyfiend said:
We have been together for 6 months and moved in together quite quickly. I have mentioned that a bunch of flowers would be a nice surprise, but I have never adopted a really serious tone when mentioning this; I've tried to keep it lighthearted. I'm pretty sure he's aware that I'd like a bit more romance.

It's also worth noting that I often surprise him with things. To get the ball rolling I bought a cologne for him for no reason, just so he knew I was thinking about him in my travels that day and I thought that might inspire him to start being more thoughtful.. Leading by example, you know? He loved his gift, but not in the way previous boyfriends have appreciated such a gesture. My last long term boyfriend was very big on acts of thoughtfulness and would have been itching to get me a surprise after receiving one like that.

I'm having a hard time adjusting to this new boyfriend's modus operandi in comparison to how things were in my last relationship. I know it's not fair to compare, but I can't help it!
Click to expand...

A lot of people simply aren't romantics. It doesn't mean you aren't right for each other. My boyfriend is much more of a romantic than I am. He loves getting flowers. I do not understand flowers, I do not enjoy getting them, it does nothing for me. In the three years we've been together, I've gotten him flowers twice (I'm trying to make more of an effort!!). He probably just doesn't think about it, doesn't understand it, or doesn't know you like those things. Seriously, lots of people don't just "know" what their partner wants. You've got to tell him! But some people simply aren't into gifts, surprises, etc.

I don't think this automatically means you shouldn't be together, it just means you both have to do a bit of "give and take". Talk to him, tell him what you like. He probably doesn't want to / can't do all those things but maybe you can meet halfway. But make sure he knows what you want. Make it clear. Tell him EXACTLY what it is. Straightforward. Otherwise he might not understand. Perhaps his past girlfriends never cared much for those things, so he never thought they were important. You have to make sure he understand what is important to you.
 
Llama, that training thing was meant tongue in cheek, maybe as a bit of a nibble to see which way this thread would go.:-)
 
Ladyfiend said:
Your stereotype is correct. His family are quite conservative, and I'm sure his father never surprised his mother with any of those sorts of gestures. They do have British heritage too. You're spot on!

Kytnism, I totally agree with you, and I have felt demanding even bringing it up. To me, these acts of generosity and thoughtfulness come naturally when I love someone. I just can't help but be constantly thinking of little things I could do to make sure their day is a good one. I get a lot of joy out of that and it makes me sad that he doesn't go above and beyond to make me feel special and important.

I honestly don't mind single-handedly doing the housework and cooking - I know that's not his natural inclination, and would probably resent me if I forced him to do things he hates, so I'd never impose it on him. But in lieu of insisting that he contribute domestically, I expect that he shows some gratitude. But then again, those household tasks are so removed from his agenda that I don't think he understands the effort I put in.
Click to expand...

What-the-fuck? Will you be my girlfriend? HOW CAN YOU ACCEPT THIS!?
I would give anything to have a girlfriend who would cook, clean up, and take care of 'domestic chores' all the while thinking the guy should show 'some' gratitude? Are you kidding me?

I'm a guy. If I find a girl like you I will marry her.

Sorry, but again, 'not his natural inclination'? This is laughable. Tell that dick to get off his ass, pick a broom, and start sweeping. Ugh, this makes me so mad.
 
Ladyfiend, I was able to pick it because I have witnessed the same sort of behavior from my own family. It is the stiff upper lip syndrome, it's considered effeminate to show affection and the woman does the housework. The man works and makes the decisions or appears to. Its not desirable in my opinion, but it's re learn able. It just may take a bit of time.
 
bunnymunro said:
Ladyfiend, I was able to pick it because I have witnessed the same sort of behavior from my own family. It is the stiff upper lip syndrome, it's considered effeminate to show affection and the woman does the housework. The man works and makes the decisions or appears to. Its not desirable in my opinion, but it's re learn able. It just may take a bit of time.
Click to expand...

If he was the one bringing in all the money then I would consider myself to have no grounds for complaining about his lack of domestic assistance and romantic gestures. But it has upset me so much because we both make good money (although he makes significantly more than i do) and divide all living expenses 50/50 - rent, bills etc. Because I do all the cooking, I probably spend more on food as I'm the one who goes to the supermarket to get ingredients for whatever I'm cooking.

I booked us flights to travel interstate recently, and paid for this without batting an eyelid. I just wish he had the initiative to do things like this too; it's not as though finances are a roadblock preventing him from doing so. He is very vocal in expressing his love for me, but for some reason just isn't compelled to go 'above and beyond'. It's very disappointing.
 
Although I cannot offer you any real advice on what you are going through, I can paint a picture of what goes on in my relationship. The comparison is for you to make. My lady and I usually share cooking. We tell each other regularly how much we appreciate each other. Most people would find it sickening how much we are devoted to each other. It's really all about 50/50 and doing on to each other as you would like to be treated. If your man is not meeting you in the middle, and it's upsetting you, then it is time to set sail for somebody who appreciates the things you do and will do them in return. Hope that helps.
 
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Update: I just came home to a beautiful bunch of flowers. Perhaps his ears were burning!

This is a step in the right direction. Feeling a lot more hopeful now. Thanks everybody for your input.
 
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