Warning signs in a relationship?

[Fyfm]

Ladyfiend I personally think your expecting to much.
My bf would buy me random gifts write me letters sometimes cook me breakfast,
My gfs bf didn't buy her anything for her birthday for valentines day she just got a msg.
My advise put your foot down before its to late! Lol sometimes buying him small gifts or doing small romantic gestures like leaving him a letter will make him realise

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Most men DO need training. I worked F/T (38-40hrs), school F/T (5 courses per semester). HE only worked 32hrs and did nothing else. We moved in together 4 months after we started dating. I would do all the housework--the only thing he did was do his OWN laundry. While, I usually did mine + towels/sheets. I cooked, clean, washed dishes. I would CONSTANTLY bitch but he was get annoyed and said I was constantly "nagging" him when he just got off work (graveyard shift 9pm-5am) and he "just" woke up (at 2pm--mind you). He would be all like, I just worked this crazy shift, omg, I just woke up and you slam with with all this. Then on his THREE days off, he would want to ride his stupid dirt bike and "work on it" or "it's my day off-- I just wanna enjoy and chill".

So I stopped doing laundry, folding his clothes, doing the dishes to try and make him see exactly how much I was doing. He thought he "constantly washed the dishes" (= once a week compared to me TWICE a DAY). Bad mistake. The house got TRASHED. We got ROACHES. Shit was EVERYWHERE ON THE FLOOR. Dirty and clean clothes. He didn't even fucking care. Oh blah, "I'll do it tomorrow--I just got off work, I just woke up, I have to go to work soon, it's my day off".

Anyhow, after MANY talks, MANY bitching, every time I would clean, I would tell him to SPECIFICALLY do something (which annoys him but he knows he can't say no). Like, If I'm doing to wash the dishes, I'll say, "Do you wanna rinse while I wash? I already put the dishes away on the rack". With laundry, I'll get the baskets ready -- THREE, colors, darks, lights-- and be like, did you wanna do the laundry since I got the baskets ready (which forces him to do THREE loads unlike his lazy one load which would only contain he work clothes). He sometimes gets mad at me, like why do you always say, do I wanna? OF COURSE I DON'T WANT TO. Like, um, do you think I WANT to? Is this a WANT to or a NEED to do? Then he'll say, don't talk to me like an autistic kid--and I'll be like, well, STOP ACTING LIKE ONE.

You would do the same with the cooking--cook TOGETHER. So it's a shared task or if you cook--he agrees to do the dishes. You just need to have way more open communication lines because it's going to get worse and he's not going to get the hint. The presents and flowers thing? HA! He got me flowers once my surprise because I would constantly nag him. Like, he would pick me up from school and I'd be like, Thanks for the flowers/food!-- How romantic of you (when there wasn't anything). It would cause a lot of fights but one time, I looked back and BAM--there were flowers. Lol. He was pretty happy that I was happy but it never happened again. Nowadays, he gives me his credit card and tells me to order myself flowers if I want them that badly.

To end this incredibly long post, we've been together for over 2 years and living together for about 1.5 years--happily! Kind of. Lol. But you need to be totally straight up and straight forward because men are lazy and aren't emotionally intelligent.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

I often find it difficult to discern if my initial annoyances about a person are actually my instincts trying to paint a picture for me.

My boyfriend is great, but he's a bit selfish sometimes, doesn't show much appreciation when I do all the cooking and cleaning, and doesn't really do many thoughtful things, no flowers or random surprises etc.

You're his partner, not his mother. It seems like he might not have cottoned onto that fact yet.

Should I be concerned? Or am I expecting too much?

You're not expecting too much. It disgusts me how many males my age can't cook, clean or look after themselves. A little appreciation goes a long way.

If I were in your position, I'd be a prick about it and organize to stay elsewhere for a while, text him right before I'm supposed to get home and tell him I won't be home for a few weeks. If he complains and starts with the 'What am I supposed to do?' rant, tell him 'Oh I didn't factor you into the equation. I'm sure you can look after yourself for a while.' I wouldn't text him while I'm gone, always wait for him to text me and if the house is in shambles when I got back (depending on whose house it is) I'd pack and leave, or kick him out.

 

[Animal Mother]

I'm happy to hear that. But remember what I said about indicators. Keep your eyes open. It's hard for people to deviate from their baseline behavior and most people's baseline is selfishness. There are no selfless acts. Every time you do something for somebody else, you are purchasing their favor and that is your reward. It's all about finding a healthy balance and maybe not thinking about it too much.

I hope that your man has learned from you communicating with him and does not feel like he had to do this one time for a quick fix. Best of luck.

 

[Animal Mother]

I'm a big fan of this advice. People aren't mind readers and if you want something to change or something is a concern to you then let it be heard! If you let him know what your wishes are and as long as they're realistic, you can then act accordingly if he does not adjust his behaviour.

It's so frustrating and heartbreaking because some people are just so terrified of opening up. Either that, or they view talking about it as confrontation that they would rather avoid. I'm actually not good at opening up at all, but I try my best to communicate to make things functional.

 

[dlinuc]

I often find it difficult to discern if my initial annoyances about a person are actually my instincts trying to paint a picture for me.

My boyfriend is great, but he's a bit selfish sometimes, doesn't show much appreciation when I do all the cooking and cleaning, and doesn't really do many thoughtful things, no flowers or random surprises etc.

Should I be concerned? Or am I expecting too much?

Should you be concerned? Yes
Are you expecting too much? No, not too much. You're expecting what should happen naturally.

But I do have a question for you, as reading your post got me thinking about my situation..

Take a minute to imagine, if the roles were reversed. If you were the male in the relationship, and were still doing all the above (all the cooking, cleaning etc etc)
You work a minimum of 60hrs a week (22 of which is overtime), normal hours are 7am - 3pm while most of the overtime is after hours between 10pm and 5am.
Your job is very physically demanding.
But you still manage to do every single household chore there is.

Your partner works a standard 38hr week, her job is mentally demanding more so than physically.
The household chores are somewhat expected to be done by her partner.

If the chores aren't done, the house will be in a state of disaster, and being brought up to live clean and tidy, you cant help but to just get on with life and do them.

How would you feel given the gender reversal?

I'm in no way saying that your situation is right. Just so that is clear...

Maybe I'm reaching out and seeing what other people live with. Seeing how others share given duties?

Comments/thoughts?

 

[Ladyfiend]

Irrespective of gender, I don't think there is any room for that level of laziness in a relationship. Effort is required in all areas, be it domestically or in terms of being kind and thoughtful. I expect my partner to put in as much effort as I do, otherwise I feel like I'm not being respected. That's why I have been struggling with how the relationship has been.

I don't think the gravity of the situation dawned on him until I became quite angry, and expressed my distaste at having to take on the role of a parent, almost! Since then, I have seen a change in him, so I would recommend being forthright if you're not happy with your situation. I think you have every right to feel dissatisfied.

 

[dlinuc]

Irrespective of gender, I don't think there is any room for that level of laziness in a relationship. Effort is required in all areas, be it domestically or in terms of being kind and thoughtful. I expect my partner to put in as much effort as I do, otherwise I feel like I'm not being respected. That's why I have been struggling with how the relationship has been.

I don't think the gravity of the situation dawned on him until I became quite angry, and expressed my distaste at having to take on the role of a parent, almost! Since then, I have seen a change in him, so I would recommend being forthright if you're not happy with your situation. I think you have every right to feel dissatisfied.

I too have voiced my concerns, time and time again. Things change for about 3 days, sometimes even a whole week, then we're back down the road we came from.
To be completely honest, I have no idea why I am still finding myself in this situation. I guess there is still some love felt.
This probably sounds like a whinge session. But I see it more like an avenue to vent some frustration, somewhat similar to what your first post was all about perhaps.

(ps. Great work on the BlogSpot. Definitely staying tuned to that!)