wanting to stop!!!

[viva la diva]

hello, i am looking for maybe some words of encouragement (preferably from someone who has experienced this) but i have been taking pain pills every day for the last year. sometimes as many as 6-9 a day, sometimes as little as 1. these are usually 10 mg. it is getting expensive not to mention the withdrawels are hard when i run out too soon. i have 2 small children and i am tired of putting them through the mental ups and downs that come with this addiction. i just need to know, once i get through the physical withdrawel, will there be a return of a "zest for life?" some days, it is hard to get out of bed and do the same things for 2 little children over and over and over...i love my children and i want to be a good mom. i see all of these other people who do the same things i do day in and day out, and like it! i see them with purpose and drive and a love of life and i want that too, without drugs. do you ever get that feeling back of having a want to be present in your life and get gratification out of taking care of your children, doing your job well (i also work part time) and all of those other little things that i seem to dread so bad unless high on painkillers? i can handle a physical withdrawel bc i know that passes. i am very worried that i am going to be perpetually "bored" or "uninterested" in all of those little things that are a part of life. do you ever get that back? i don't think i can do it if i know my mental state is going to be this way forever. i have been tapering off and am about to take my last half (5 mg.) thanks for any help in advance. i think if i could come back and read this during the hard times i can do it, as long as i know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i just want to feel normal again. my family deserves a healthy happy mom and wife who is happy without relying on drugs.

 

[Fatjosh]

Hey diva,
I am glad to hear you are headed for recovery. Stories of recovery differ from person to person but in my experience that zest for life came rushing back to me at about a month clean from opiates. I was just so happy to be free from my opiate prison, I had forgotten all the things I had to live for but once I was clean for a while it just hit me how awsome everything was even the bad things in life. Opiates numb your emotions and I remember during the third week of detox I was out of the physical withdrawls but still all over the place emotionaly I remember vividly being sad about somthing but I was overjoyed that I could actualy feel sad I was just happy to feel anything. If I can be excited to feel sad you can be excited about your kids and the life you are making for them. You r well on your way to being the person and mom that you want to be, you have admitted you have a problem, you have been minimizing it by tapering and you r close to jumping off. Be proud of yourself. Now with that being said know that u didnt become addicted overnight and this wont be fixed overnight so just hang in there its differe t for everyone but your attitude towards it plays a huge part. Some people keep the attitude of "its not that bad", some wallow in anguish, I chose to treat it like the fight of my life or better yet a fight for my life. Whatever you choose to do just know that YOU CAN DO IT. Best wishes, josh.

 

[herbavore]

Hi viva,

it would probably help you to get some outside help with your emotional state, both while you are adjusting to getting off the opiates and afterwards. It sounds like you are depressed and that is what saps the "zest" or joy out of life. Taking care of small children, doing housework for them, cooking, etc can be draining and exhausting even in the best frame of mind. I remember days when my boys were small and I felt like I was simply this machine doing the same things over and over--it can be hard. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids with all your heart and even love the job aspect of raising them; it's the most demanding job in the world and even the happiest, most carefree mom gets exhausted by it.

Is there any way you could get some ongoing therapy? I think it would really help. PM me any time.

 

[britfag1]

I can tell you from experience, as I am experiencing it right now, that your zest for life will come back with a VENGEANCE!!!

Chin up! It will come back thats for sure.

I wish you all the best with your struggle and if you are ever feeling down just post here and I am sure you will receive appropriate words of encouragement.

 

[ad lib]

Welcome to Bluelight

I started orally abusing oxycodone then moved onto IV'ing hydromorphone. The Oxycodone just didn't "do it" for me anymore. So what I recommend is to stop while you're ahead if you can. Opiates are a horrible road that I wouldn't wish on anyone to go down. The only positive thing that comes from opiate abuse is the mental clarity you get after quitting.

You sound like you have a ton on your plate. I am not a mom and I don't have a house to run, so I can't really relate in that aspect, only try and relate. But I do know that monotony can be exhausting. Do you make time for yourself to let go of stress? Even if it's just about 10 minutes of "alone" time...whether it is in the shower, the car, etc. You need time to clear your mind and just relax. I believe, like Herbavore said, that therapy would be a good idea. It can help get out the feelings that you have and try to work through them.

 

[viva la diva]

thank you all so much! this actually brought tears to my eyes to read the things you had written. to fatjosh-i am so glad to hear that it will come back, that has been my biggest crutch for not quitting is i am afraid of never having that internal drive to just want live life. to herbivore-your "machine" description of what it takes to care for small children and a house and be a good spouse is completely accurate and true. yes, i am contemplating outside help. i am sorta using this for that outside help for the moment, i don't know if you mean talking to someone or chemical outside help. i currently see a psychiatrist who prescribes vyvanse for my a.d.d., and she doesn't know i have this problem, but i am contemplating going to a.a. meetings. britfag that is WONDERFUL to know that this too shall pass!! thank you so much!!! and rx_prn-i try to make alone for myself every day, sometimes it feels worse than being busy bc all i think about is wanting to take a pill. sometimes it is hard for me to want to get up and take a shower while i am going through withdrawal. this is not my first time to let it go, i have done so before but only for a few days until my source came through again. one last question - does everyone recommend cold turkey, or do they recommend a taper? the only problem i have with a taper is do you ever get to a low enough dose where you don't have such a hard withdrawel? again, thank you all so much and herbavore if i can figure out the pm thing i am going to send you one now.

 

[ad lib]

does everyone recommend cold turkey, or do they recommend a taper? the only problem i have with a taper is do you ever get to a low enough dose where you don't have such a hard withdrawel? again, thank you all so much and herbavore if i can figure out the pm thing i am going to send you one now.

The only experience I have is with going CT. I'm an all or nothing person so I don't have the self control for a taper. Withdrawals were hell (as you know), but once it's over, it's over. You won't experience opiate withdrawal again, unless there's a relapse of course. That's totally up to you. Most people will probably say taper, so hopefully they can give you some good advice on how to do a taper.

 

[Fatjosh]

I could never taper either I jumped off from a 250-320mg a day habbit. My logic was always I am taking 220 tonight....but I just spend all that money to feel "ok" but if I took another 30 ill b high. If u can then taper if u cant u gotta just grit your teeth and bear it.