Wanted to tell my favorite guys....

Stargazer

Stargazer

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 28, 2013
Messages
1,673
Hey Guys...

I have missed you all...On February 26th at about 5a.m. my house burnt down, and as I watched everything I own burn, I was arrested for paraphenalia....literally put in jail. I detoxed on a filthy floor. It was my worst nightmare, and it happened.

I thought of you guys through all of those long nights, vomiting, being locked in a cell, and frantically pushing the button for the CO's to open the door so I could run for the bathroom...I didn't eat for 10 days. It was the most awful experience of my life. The women were very mean, rough women...that were used to being there it seemed.

Now, I am in a hotel for a couple more days, then I will go to the Red Cross Homeless Shelter, and try to re-build my life...I had no-one on the outside to sign to get me out. My so-called best friend, wouldn't bail me out, even thought she knew I had the money to pay her back. It cost a fortune to get out ...and even though I will go to court on Monday, I won't get any of my money back....I am just sick...I no longer am doing H. The last time I did H was at 5p.m. on Feb. 25, 2014.


It really was an absolute nightmare guys...and I really did think of all of you. I hope you are all well. Throughtfully, S
 
It's good to see you're safe and sound although a bit roughed up. Keep yourself healthy and I wish you a speedy recovery. We're all here for ya. :)
 
The whole "you can't do it alone" line that you hear all over recovery circles is a bunch of bullshit. The sooner you learn this, the sooner you'll be able to go the difference and become a leader within society. You alone have everything you need to change your life. Be your own higher power.

If you have to live in the shelter, then you live in the shelter. Figure out how to line up several streams of (legal) income and a good supply of healthy food. See if there is a YMCA in your area that will give you a "poor person's membership." Carry yourself like you'd want to if you had a successful career and whatnot. Stay away from other addicts. It's not your obligation to help them, at least not right now. Start waking up at 5am everyday.

Heroin's not going anywhere. Live a good life and save your money. And then go all out with drugs shortly before death. I think that a good argument could be made that Nature gave us opiates to help people come to terms with death. But she didn't give them to us for us young people to use for recreation.
 
Welcome back, we've wondered where you were... Early days, good work keep it up... keep us informed of your progress ...xx
 
Don't really know what to say... but hope you get back on your feet as fast as you can!
 
Guys...I am typing this from the Veterans Hospital in Ctr. City Phila...Hey Neo, I am in your town. This is a fucksuck day. We were staying at the veteran's comfort house...Redcross is not helpful. It has been unbelievable. Right now, I can barely keep it together, I am losing my shit. We were thrown out of the comfort house because for some reason, in my husbands's (very sensitive) blood test, they found fentynal...he has not had fetynal for months. They will not listen and the comfort house has been especially hard on us the entire time we've been there, about a week.

One night we walked to CVS, I thought curfew was 10pm, and it was 9pm. My fault for not reading the regulations well. I take responsibility for that. However, if you are late, the usual rule is you have to wait outside for 15-30 mins. But, we weren't allowed in at all for the night. So, I am in Ctr City, with no place to go. We tried coming to the VA, and this female police officer told us, bear in mind, my husband is a combat veteran, we could not stay. She told us to go to the University of Penn Hospital and they would let us stay there for the night. Bullshit. They eventually did, but it took alot. We stayed in the emergency room, and I mean in the back were they treat people...that doesn't faze me, I worked in the emergency room for two yrs, and I worked in the medical field for quite a few yrs...anyway, they gave my husband a gurney with a pillow, and I had to sit in a hard, plastic chair in front of it because I am not the veteran...it was some serious bullshit. Unniversity of Penn just lovedme. I opened a bottle of my foundation/makeup, and I spilled it all over the carpet in the waiting area. It slipped out of my hand and went everywhere. I was mortified at the time, and honestly now, I don't give a shit.

Right now, I have nowhere to go. The option they offered is a city shelter. We will be split up. No way in hell am I going. I don't know what I'm going to do honestly. I am devestated, and cannot stop gutterly crying. I want to slap the shit out of my husband for always making me look like an asshole. As if being locked up and detoxing on a dirty floor wasn't enough...Jesus. I feel like walking until I can't walk anymore. I have no family, no friend to stay with....nothing. This is truly the worst thing that could've happened...and listen guys, even if my husband was using drugs, we should not have been thrown out...and by the way, we also should not have been kicked out for the night. They "apologized" for that. Thanks a fucking lot, after the fact. And you know what, when they were telling us we were thrown out, I was crying my guts out. This lady said "ms. _____, take a deep breath" I was crying so gutterly, I had other ppl in the office crying....my husband was trying to reason with them. I said "Just stop, and lets go. They don't care. And trust me, if it were her, in our postion, she'd be losing her mind right now" I was crying, but given what they were telling me, I handled it well. I didn't go crazy and throw things or yell at anyone. I was crying, as anyone would.

One of the sargent's walked out of the office during the "meeting" which pissed me off. I have sat in an office while people were being told they were HIV positive. Wives, that had husbands that fucked around, and gave them HIV. Try sitting through that. I didn't ever leave. And ppl react all different ways...some ppl throw chairs, scream. Others sit and cry like I did today...I put my arms around them, and cried w them. I never ever left anyone...and my heart was breaking for them. So guys, it really is a bad day. I don't know where I will end up...I cannot mentally handle this. I said my prayer for God to help me...just like I did the night my house burnt down. I asked God to help me because I could not help myself. Within a couple hours after I said that prayer, my house burnt down...I wanted my life to change, and boy has it ever. I asked, if possible, for it not to be in jail, and if it was, to give me the strength to handle it.

We really have been treated harshly at the so-called comfort house...and the guy upstairs in this hospital is a complete dickhead, and I basically told him that, so I was asked to "sit in the waiting area". I said, "sure, don't talk to the person that held everything down, for three years while he was away, and waited for him". This guy is just a complete jerk. I swear I'm not just saying it because I'm in this situation...he is an utter, insensitve asshole that has no business working in this field. Trust me, I dedicated my life to public health, and was always kind to my patients...always sensitive to their situation. For some reason I never get treated like I treated others. Who knows.. life is hard, and it is what it is. Ok, I'm going to get going.

I am devestated, lost and have no idea what to do. I will try to keep you updated the best I can. I miss all of you, and pray you are all well. Love you, S
 
Damn man, that must suck, can't really find any appropriate words for you....
 
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