Want to visit a MHP - which information should I disclose?

[secret_lurker]

Dear Bluelight,
I've decided to surrender myself to a more qualified power - a mental health professional. I've been planning to do this for an extremely long time, but I think this might just have to happen sooner. I tried seeing someone to receive help with "concentration" and "anxiety" issues, but said individual (a psychiatrist) recommended I see ADHD testing services at my school, probably because he didn't understand my problems. This is likely my fault. My mind is in a haze and I'm terrible at knowing what I want or need.. let alone articulating it. I'm too ****ing shy/self-defeating to admit to another individual that I have depression. The closest I have come is to this is just these 2 instances:
1) Mentioning to a relative that I take 5-HTP on a semi-regular basis, and this individual mentioning that 5HTP is commonly used to treat depression
2) Telling this MHP that I'm taking 5-htp on a regular basis. I'm not sure if the MHP realized that I used it to actually self-medicate and, instead, assumed that I was just experimenting around with random chemicals

Now, this MHP (who referred me to the ADHD testing services) seems like a very qualified individual (perhaps overqualified) and, tbh, someone who could probably help me a lot. He's extremely well-liked by my school's alumni, according to staff, and he's only in his 30s or so. Why is this relevant, you ask? Well, this person seems to be acutely aware of what shenanigans a person like myself might be up to. In my only session with him, I was asked about recreational drug use, and, since I'm not such a great liar, I quickly admitted to past recreational drug use (which I painted as most definitely a thing of the past), as well as very slight ADD medication misuse. Specifically, in the course of giving context to my current possible need for ADD/ADHD medications, I admitted to breaking in half a Concerta pill - one I bought off a fellow student - so the dosage wouldn't be too stong. This MHP pointed out that doing so defeats the pill's timed-release (and implied a misuse of said medication - never mind me buying it off a friend).

Per this MHP's recommendation, I've begun the process of gathering the documentation for building a case for 'ADHD testing'. Because of several reasons, I'm not too sure I'll necessarily get said medications - mostly because the school's MPH's are paranoid about the rampant misuse of ADD/ADHD medications. Maybe my case for ADHD medications isn't super strong, even though I have received them in the past through legitimate means. But this first MHP I had mentioned believes that perhaps I had been misdiagnosed. And I think that may be the case. In any case, I'm not sure if I want to lie about my situation. I do want help - whatever that entails. I do know that ADHD medications have helped me a ton in the past so I most definitely want them, but I not 100% sure if they weren't really helping me with depression more than anything. It entirely makes sense to me that a stimulant helps with depression. Heck, even coffee gives a mood lift. But I do drink one or 2 cups of coffee per day, not to mention take a strong caffeine pill (every single day).

In general, I feel extremely lost and often borderline suicidal or at least entertaining the thought of doing it. Before anyone at BL jumps to dissuade me from doing so - don't bother - I just don't see it happening. An extremely close sibling of mine died due to a drug overdose and I don't think that my family (which I'm not very close to) deserves to suffer through anything like this again. However, the feeling of utter irrelevance, hopelessness and useless, just does not subside. When you feel any of the following to a strong extent, the "why continue?" thought naturally follows.

I think if I manage to answer the few questions I have, maybe I will remove most of my creatively-engineering inhibitions against seeing an MHP. To re-cap, the questions would be the following:
1) Should I admit drug use - and possibly that ADHD medications might have helped me with depression, in addition to my 'absent-mindedness' (that I think is symptomatic of ADD)?
2) I have taken some messed up hallucinogens in the past, specifically 5-MeO-DMT. This was a several years ago, but I think I have fucked myself over for life. I have not been taking any hallucinogens, except for ecstasy (in a very reasonable manner), but I think the effects are still in me. I was taking a shower one week ago and I started spacing out. I wanted to explore that feeling in the back of my mind - one I cannot effectively describe or relate to at this moment, thankfully. Suffice it to say, it is disturbing and indicative of very bad things. As I was trying to visit it last week, it overcame me and, for a moment, I was lost and very lonely - overwhelmed by a swirling space. That's a terrible description, but it deeply disturbed and it was much like tripping all over again. I somehow managed to compose myself and ran out of the shower.
Now, for the question part - is this at all relevant to mention to said MHP? He seems to be familiar with recreation drug use and has even heard of 5-MeO-DMT, which I had mentioned as being the catalyst for me stopping recreational drug use almost entirely (which wasn't an entirely true statement).
2.5) I'm a hedonist. I'm afraid of not being able to use MDMA if I went on an SSRI. But, then again, the last time I was at an awesome music event, I felt it was ruined because my molly "wasn't strong" enough or that I "hadn't taken" enough, so maybe I have much greater problems to worry about?
3) Should I really pursue a visit with said MHP (psychiatrist)? I'm supposedly going to see the ADHD testing services person, but their services are so swamped by the volume of students, that I'm not sure when they might get back to me. This might even be a month or two, considering that a lengthy winter breaks starts in just a few weeks. But more importantly, knowing me, when I get to talk to them, if this ever even happened, I would probably pretend I'm only interested in help with concentration/focus and ADD medications. That's just how I roll (useless).

Last things of note (feel free to ignore this section):

• I take caffeine pills and 5-HTP daily. The former seems to help me have the most basic energy and the latter keeps me more stable and probably also lifts my mood throughout the day.
• The only thing I seem to enjoy are listening to music in quiet, reading randon nonsense on the internet for hours on end, and, sometimes, posting on forums. I don't play video games or watch movies. I have to make an extreme effort to go out with people, and, since I don't know too many people, this isn't a common problem to contend with. My only good friend is many hundreds of miles away.
• I have begun serious self-introspection only several weeks ago. I feel like I have only realized know that.. I had pretty much not been using my brain my entirely life. Between the transition from childhood to adulthood, something happened, and I think it's anxiety and depression. I know I need help, but, like always, I find excuses not to see someone. Right now, it would have to be me falling behind school and having only about 2 weeks left to make it all happen - finish several projects I'm behind on as well as studying for exams. And then, it will be winter break, and then I might be gone until next semester, anyway.
  I have made numerous revelation over the past half year - ones I should have been making since my adolescence. I can't say that my time spent with self-introspection has been pointless, but I do think that 'being a robot' (i.e. ignoring my problems) actually helped me function better with respect to my responsibilities (namely, work and school). Not running away from my long-term problems has made me more cognizant of where I am (HINT: nowhere) and depressed. I may have to re-take some of my classes during the next semesters.

 

[swmo]

imo, it's hard to trust many mhps. the best thing i've learned is to tell them your symptoms but never try to self-diagnose (to them). let them come up with the diagnosis. also, be careful about laying it on too heavy. be aware of your body language, they are. look them in the eyes most of the time when you talk. if you feel like crying, let them hear & see it come on through your face. don't argue with them...if they give u bunk drugs, try them in case they test your system to see if you've been compliant, but complain if you're not getting the results you expect. most of the interview will be flying by the seat of your pants. try not to stumble. breathe. relax. when they are talking, look them in the eyes but look around, too. fidget just a little, don't overdo it, though.
i read an article that said sociopaths used mhps to hone their skills against. i was falsely accused of that because i told the shrink matter-of-factly. i felt forgiven by God for it, so why not forgive myself. this was seen by mhps to be an emotionless, non-guilty interview, thus i had to be conscienceless. i went to another agency mad as hell about being diagnosed as a sociopath by a 1 hour interview. they knew me and knew the diagnosis was wrong. volunteer little but make what you say count. good luck.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi secret_lurker, firstly, welcome to Bluelight

This is a really good thing that you've decided that you need to see a psych specialist. You acknowledge that you've got some issues and you want to take positive steps to working through them. That is a very difficult step to take, so, congrats

I can really relate to a lot of what you've said above, particularly this:

Per this MHP's recommendation, I've begun the process of gathering the documentation for building a case for 'ADHD testing'. Because of several reasons, I'm not too sure I'll necessarily get said medications - mostly because the school's MPH's are paranoid about the rampant misuse of ADD/ADHD medications. Maybe my case for ADHD medications isn't super strong, even though I have received them in the past through legitimate means. But this first MHP I had mentioned believes that perhaps I had been misdiagnosed. And I think that may be the case. In any case, I'm not sure if I want to lie about my situation. I do want help - whatever that entails. I do know that ADHD medications have helped me a ton in the past so I most definitely want them, but I not 100% sure if they weren't really helping me with depression more than anything. It entirely makes sense to me that a stimulant helps with depression. Heck, even coffee gives a mood lift. But I do drink one or 2 cups of coffee per day, not to mention take a strong caffeine pill (every single day).

I was diagnosed with ADD when I was younger and Ritalin solved all of my ADD-related problems. When I turned 18 I could no longer visit my paediatrician (because I wasn't a kid anymore) and to continue getting Ritalin scripts I would have had to see a psychiatrist and go through all the ADD testing again, which was going to cost in excess of $300. I couldn't afford to do that at the time so I just let it go. I've been self-medicating my attentional issues with caffeine ever since (I'm now 27). I can't function without caffeine, and I take a LOT, every day.

Anyway, the MHP you saw before might be right, you may have been misdiagnosed, but you won't really know until you look in to it further with a psychiatrist. So I think you should try and get an appointment with a psychiatrist as soon as you can. Regarding getting ADHD meds, my honest opinion is that you should go in to this with an open mind. Try not to decide what meds you want before you've even found out what the problem is. That's kinda like going to the doctor with intestinal pain and asking for heart medication or something :D The realm of psychiatric medications is so vast and diverse, and just because stimulants have helped you in the past doesn't mean they are the only thing that will help you in the future. Know what I mean? So try to keep an open mind about whatever meds the psych suggests.

Regarding SSRIs and not being able to roll, I know that you already know this but I have to say it anyway. If you're depressed you shouldn't be rolling at all The serotonin depletion caused by MDMA can exacerbate depression so if you've got symptoms of depression you should be abstaining from MDMA for a good long while anyway. However if you really don't want SSRIs, I would recommend that you do your own research about the different types of anti-depressants available and discuss it with the psych.

Now, regarding what information you should or should not disclose to them....this is a tricky one because there are a lot of factors to take in to consideration.
Most people have a stigma attached to any kind of recreational drug use, so there is a risk that the psych will be one of those people. If you admit to using recreational substances they might put a red mark against your name which will influence their decision about what meds they prescribe you. But this might not be the case, you might get a really good psych who has a more open mind about drugs. Ultimately, I don't think you should let that influence what information you withhold from the psych because in the end, it is all relevant. If your psych never knows about your substance use, you could possibly get misdiagnosed (again?) and/or they could approach your therapy from an entirely wrong angle, meaning that it might not be very beneficial to you.

So that probably doesn't help you much, sorry :D Basically, if you think it's important that the psych knows about your drug use, tell them. If they openly ask about it, don't lie. Whenever a medical professional has asked me about my drug use I haven't lied. Granted, I have withheld some of the nitty-gritty details from them, because they don't need to know everything. So, it's up to you.

 

[GolemGolem]

If you are going to spend money on shrinks, on your own free will, then for fucks sake be honest and answer the damn questions truthfully. You're going to ruin doctors for yourself, it's hard to start being honest with them after a decade or two of more proper drug seeking, and not getting people arrested behavours.

 

[secret_lurker]

imo, it's hard to trust many mhps. the best thing i've learned is to tell them your symptoms but never try to self-diagnose (to them). let them come up with the diagnosis. also, be careful about laying it on too heavy. be aware of your body language, they are. look them in the eyes most of the time when you talk. if you feel like crying, let them hear & see it come on through your face. don't argue with them...if they give u bunk drugs, try them in case they test your system to see if you've been compliant, but complain if you're not getting the results you expect. most of the interview will be flying by the seat of your pants. try not to stumble. breathe. relax. when they are talking, look them in the eyes but look around, too. fidget just a little, don't overdo it, though.
i read an article that said sociopaths used mhps to hone their skills against. i was falsely accused of that because i told the shrink matter-of-factly. i felt forgiven by God for it, so why not forgive myself. this was seen by mhps to be an emotionless, non-guilty interview, thus i had to be conscienceless. i went to another agency mad as hell about being diagnosed as a sociopath by a 1 hour interview. they knew me and knew the diagnosis was wrong. volunteer little but make what you say count. good luck.

I think they might have just been taken aback at your extensive knowledge of this subject. I don't think I can ever be in your position - refining my behavior precisely to suit an outcome. Kudos for being able to pull off something like that.

However, I think your'e right about making what you say count. I certainly failed to do so and I think this has set me back quite a bit.

Anyway, the MHP you saw before might be right, you may have been misdiagnosed, but you won't really know until you look in to it further with a psychiatrist. So I think you should try and get an appointment with a psychiatrist as soon as you can. Regarding getting ADHD meds, my honest opinion is that you should go in to this with an open mind. Try not to decide what meds you want before you've even found out what the problem is. That's kinda like going to the doctor with intestinal pain and asking for heart medication or something :D The realm of psychiatric medications is so vast and diverse, and just because stimulants have helped you in the past doesn't mean they are the only thing that will help you in the future. Know what I mean? So try to keep an open mind about whatever meds the psych suggests.

You're right. My only worry is that due to liability (misuse) reasons, they might be afraid to prescribe stimulant-based medications. Plus, even though stimulants actually do help with depression, it's not accepted to prescribe them for such a purpose. This is entirely a sidenote, but I've always found this bit fascinating.

Regarding SSRIs and not being able to roll, I know that you already know this but I have to say it anyway. If you're depressed you shouldn't be rolling at all The serotonin depletion caused by MDMA can exacerbate depression so if you've got symptoms of depression you should be abstaining from MDMA for a good long while anyway. However if you really don't want SSRIs, I would recommend that you do your own research about the different types of anti-depressants available and discuss it with the psych.

Tbh, my only worry about SSRI's was not being able to roll, and you telling me that I shouldn't roll at the moment is really what I needed to hear anyways. I like to tell myself that it's a sacred experience that I cannot live without, but I'm sure I can always roll later. Also, I know that SSRIs can have bad side-effects, but I suppose that isn't the case for the majority of people.

Now, regarding what information you should or should not disclose to them....this is a tricky one because there are a lot of factors to take in to consideration.
Most people have a stigma attached to any kind of recreational drug use, so there is a risk that the psych will be one of those people. If you admit to using recreational substances they might put a red mark against your name which will influence their decision about what meds they prescribe you. But this might not be the case, you might get a really good psych who has a more open mind about drugs. Ultimately, I don't think you should let that influence what information you withhold from the psych because in the end, it is all relevant. If your psych never knows about your substance use, you could possibly get misdiagnosed (again?) and/or they could approach your therapy from an entirely wrong angle, meaning that it might not be very beneficial to you.]/

So that probably doesn't help you much, sorry :D Basically, if you think it's important that the psych knows about your drug use, tell them. If they openly ask about it, don't lie. Whenever a medical professional has asked me about my drug use I haven't lied. Granted, I have withheld some of the nitty-gritty details from them, because they don't need to know everything. So, it's up to you.

True. It's just hard to know what kind of psych I'm getting, exactly. But I really don't feel like lying and cheating about this, and I hardly have that much to hide, anyway. I have misused ADD medications in the most common fashion (and they don't need to know much about this), but probably none of my drug use compares to some of what I've read here on BL.

If you are going to spend money on shrinks, on your own free will, then for fucks sake be honest and answer the damn questions truthfully. You're going to ruin doctors for yourself, it's hard to start being honest with them after a decade or two of more proper drug seeking, and not getting people arrested behavours.

I wouldn't pay for it out of pocket (it would go through school), but I see what you're saying.

 

[secret_lurker]

Just wanted to say that I'm seeking help ASAP. I'm terribly unstable.

, always

 

[n3ophy7e]

This is good to hear s_l. If you believe you need help, it's best to seek help asap. I wish you all the very best, and please take care of yourself. Let us know how you're doing okay?