blahman8000
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2009
- Messages
- 691
I can't tell whether or not I'm some kind of sociopath or narcissist. The thought of it tortures me. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel like I'm in this meaningless, emotionless existence. I no longer feel. I can't tell if it's all the drinking I've done over the past few years or if it's the depression, or maybe I'm just this empty individual. I don't want to live like this. I want to open my mind up and feel. All I feel is depressed, anxious, embarrassed and irritated. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of living like this. I don't know if there's anything that can be done. I'm just stuck like this.
I have these flashes of nostalgia now and then it's just gone, like something inside of me refuses it. It blanks out. I have these very strong senses of emotion sometimes, and then it's taken away almost immediately. I do't want that to happen anymore. I want to feel. I deserve to feel guilty, and I think I also deserve to feel love. My life seems so purposeless, so absolutely empty. But when I watch some corny movies or even a cartoon at an emotional moment, it can put me in tears so easily. And I enjoy that. It's something. In life, I'm just bored or upset.
I want to wake up. Am I stuck like this? Is it because of all the drugs in my past that I'm now so bored and empty? Is that it for me? Am I just finished now? Christ, I'm only 23 years old. I can barely even enjoy music anymore because I can no longer connect with it. I'm just a recluse now. It's like my whole purpose of living is to remember what it was like to live. Sometimes I even cry randomly and don't know why. But I like to cry. And then realize it and it goes away.
I have these flashes of nostalgia now and then it's just gone, like something inside of me refuses it. It blanks out. I have these very strong senses of emotion sometimes, and then it's taken away almost immediately. I do't want that to happen anymore. I want to feel. I deserve to feel guilty, and I think I also deserve to feel love. My life seems so purposeless, so absolutely empty. But when I watch some corny movies or even a cartoon at an emotional moment, it can put me in tears so easily. And I enjoy that. It's something. In life, I'm just bored or upset.
I want to wake up. Am I stuck like this? Is it because of all the drugs in my past that I'm now so bored and empty? Is that it for me? Am I just finished now? Christ, I'm only 23 years old. I can barely even enjoy music anymore because I can no longer connect with it. I'm just a recluse now. It's like my whole purpose of living is to remember what it was like to live. Sometimes I even cry randomly and don't know why. But I like to cry. And then realize it and it goes away.
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