Want my emotions back

[blahman8000]

I can't tell whether or not I'm some kind of sociopath or narcissist. The thought of it tortures me. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel like I'm in this meaningless, emotionless existence. I no longer feel. I can't tell if it's all the drinking I've done over the past few years or if it's the depression, or maybe I'm just this empty individual. I don't want to live like this. I want to open my mind up and feel. All I feel is depressed, anxious, embarrassed and irritated. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of living like this. I don't know if there's anything that can be done. I'm just stuck like this.

I have these flashes of nostalgia now and then it's just gone, like something inside of me refuses it. It blanks out. I have these very strong senses of emotion sometimes, and then it's taken away almost immediately. I do't want that to happen anymore. I want to feel. I deserve to feel guilty, and I think I also deserve to feel love. My life seems so purposeless, so absolutely empty. But when I watch some corny movies or even a cartoon at an emotional moment, it can put me in tears so easily. And I enjoy that. It's something. In life, I'm just bored or upset.

I want to wake up. Am I stuck like this? Is it because of all the drugs in my past that I'm now so bored and empty? Is that it for me? Am I just finished now? Christ, I'm only 23 years old. I can barely even enjoy music anymore because I can no longer connect with it. I'm just a recluse now. It's like my whole purpose of living is to remember what it was like to live. Sometimes I even cry randomly and don't know why. But I like to cry. And then realize it and it goes away.

 

[calmAnimal]

lemme just say... careful what you wish for.

 

[Asclepius]

Blahman: No doubt that drink and drugs have blocked your ability to integrate your emotions over the years...It happened to me and I've seen it happen to others, that feeling of loss of connection with self is horrible!
Recognising that your stuck shows that you want to integrate them, so this is a place where the impetus for change can occur; although it often seems like youve hit a brick wall, these points are where we get to recognise what we need, although they can feel devastating at the time. Have a bit of patience with yourself, these things take time hun(unfortunately!8).
Try not to beat yourself up just because you cant figure it all out yourself at the moment, sometimes its a process in itself and more out of our control than we like, this seems to be the nature of emotion.

Are you getting help? Therapy? Its hard to manage stuff on your own...especially the unfamiliar...

 

[blahman8000]

Thanks for the responses, guys.

Overdone, you might be right. During the brief moments that I find myself active, I often feel like there's a glimmer of hope. But, socially, the most I do is go over to a friend's house to play guitar, and it really doesn't do much for me at all. I only do it because it's just something to pass the time. We just end up getting drunk and playing the same few songs. I suppose if I had a few better ways to spend my time, I'd be better off. A part of me is scared that I'll just feel the same, and then know for sure that I'll never be happy.

Asclepius - Thanks for the advice. No, I'm not getting any help or therapy right now. I don't have any health insurance or money. I was going to therapy and taking medication about a year ago, but it didn't really help. My psychiatrist was definitely uninterested and clearly viewed it as a boring way to make money rather than a lucrative way to help people.

My fear is simply that I've just got some kind of psychological problem that now hinders my ability to feel passion, love and happiness. And without those, what reason does anyone have to live? I certainly wouldn't want to live that way.

 

[Z Y G G Y]

You are definitely not a psychopath because if you were you would not be having these questions.

You are more likely to have something like PTSD or some other disease where you have become numb because of past trauma.

 

[blahman8000]

You are definitely not a psychopath because if you were you would not be having these questions.

You are more likely to have something like PTSD or some other disease where you have become numb because of past trauma.

Would you say this is permanent? Do you think I'll always be numb? I don't want to be this way.

 

[Regenesis2]

I read on your other post that you take or have taken benzos and a lot of other meds. That's probably what did it to you. That's what did it to me.

 

[max_]

The world is out there. It burns, it sucks, it hurts. Go out and live in it. Burn in it. I'm sure you know how to.

 

[v6mafia]

yea man i'm on the same boat as you. abused heavily now am suffering the consequences. The recovery part is such a slooowwwww process and will continue to be a slow process. The only thing we have to do is wait it out and give it time. Time is our friend. It really does suck tho being numb all the time and not being able to express oneself like before. But like previous posts, go out and live your life, apart of getting in recovery is taking those steps into them. It doesn't matter if they're baby steps or caveman steps just as long as you take an effort..and I know you can!

 

[mgmt&mdma]

I've felt like that before as well. The one thing that would remedy it (for me) was the one thing I found impossible to do. Getting outside of the apartment and actually doing simple things (errands, work, sitting in a coffee shop, etc) expose a person to more experiences which enhances the potential for finding things that an interest can be found in. Many times, interest turns to passion (which is essentially another form of love).

this helps me sooo much when im feeling like that.

give it a shot, even a simple walk to the park.

 

[$ublimaze]

Dude all I have to say that I spent a whole year like this. Not to mention the periods of a month or three here and there I have felt like that too.

Its chains bro. Gota break those chains man. The power is inside of you. You gota find that power.

Its all about the sun man!! Get that sunshine and let it fill you entirely!

 

[bben]

ssris stole my emotions on and off of them. so did benzos.

 

[34-dihydroxyphen]

I go in and out of these all of the time. Other than a brief stint on antidepressants, where I was suicidally depressed (I also went through a year long period of suicidal, burning depression when I was 14-15) my depression always manifests itself as total apathy and emptiness.

The greatest caveat to avoid is becoming addicted to negative emotions, especially anger. When you get in that state of mind, where you feel nothing, feeling anything at all feels good. And anger seems to feel the greatest when I am in this fucked up state of mind. This usually leads to horrible decisions and the severe damaging of relationships. It feels good at the time, but is painfully regrettable when I wake the fuck up from this dream state and realize all of the shitty things I have done.

I never actively seek a cure, but what always ends up getting me out of it in the end is a new friend, or an emotional reconnection with my girlfriend. I'm very picky about people, and rarely care to make new friends. I am always friendly and affable with people on the outside, but on the inside I rarely care to talk to them. I enjoy being nice and take no pleasure in being a prick to anyone. I enjoy making people feel better about themselves after a conversation with me, no matter how interested I am in the individual. But beneath that facade, I really don't care to get to know them.

I am a stone cold introvert. Only 1 in every 100 people I meet actually sparks in interest in me to form a true friendship and bond. I cannot determine what it is about these people in general, as the few individuals there were share almost no similarities in personality. Intelligence is a major factor I suppose, but that is about it. Anyways, repeated exposure to such people lifts my spirits for extremely long periods of time, even if they move away and I am no longer in contact with them, or if some shit comes up between us (usually related to them being crazy people, not that I'm the bastion of sanity myself, but I am very good at not pissing people off and letting little grudges go).

Actually, thinking of the crazy people theme I usually find that I am attracted to "bad" people. Not psychopaths or assholes, but people who have gone off the beaten path and come back again, who carry some serious baggage with them. Be it junkies, gangbangers, people from abusive homes with impulsive and often violent temperaments (although not so explosive that they will begin wailing on me for a joke or misinterpretation) , I cannot connect with "normal" people. I just can't relate with those who have not suffered. Perhaps it is this mutual bond, knowing what true suffering is, that connects me to these people. All I know is that it wakes my emotional side out of its long slumber and allows me to feel normal again.

It's probably why I like Bluelight so much. I would imagine that I would find a connection to almost anyone here if I ever met them in person. Lets face it, this is a forum full of fucked up people who have gone through fucked up shit and feel no need to exaggerate the shit they have been through.

Damn, I got on a rant in this post. I need to chill on the amphetamine posting. Anyways, I hope my advice about finding people as fucked up as you are (but not more so, at least not too much ) is helpful. It always works for me, but the first step is to actually go out into the world and really meet people. That can be the most difficult part, actually leaving the comfy couch and the TV behind in order to enter a world you do not really care too much for at the moment, and finding out the appropriate place to do it in (I would not recommend clubs or bars). I assure you, with the right individuals you may find happiness again. Emotional connections are an absolutely vital part of human existence. Eventually one will find you (as you can only put yourself in a position to find it, but searching too hard will only yield failure and disappointment). Good luck, and have faith that this feeling will evaporate into thin air one day upon a positive experience. It takes a lot longer for your emotions to die then it does for them to be reborn.

 

[mr.smiley]

I know how you feel, i recently quit doing drugs and drinking because i wanted to find myself. Im only 18 and even beeing completly sober im lost to who i am, why i am and what i am. I hate it. Iv noticed that im only happy at work(i force myself to be happy there as i work with the consumer and must put on a nice face). I know longer connect with my friends or my loved ones the way i should. Nor do i try, i dont know why but its all meaningless to me. I used to find suchjoy in reading and now i cant even pick up a book. Im empty inside and i hate myself for it. I dont feel depressed, like i dont cut myself but i feel meaningless. Like im ppointless, like my exestance is pointless...i mean...i dont even know who i am.
Who am i?