Walked out on my only job of 5 years - Lost

[feedtheSoul]

Its quite a long story, but to put it simply I made a decision to find a job where my chronic pain is not aggravated. I started this job after highschool, before the pain developed. I had dealt with severe and chronic anxiety and depression, as well as several symptoms that I found were tied together when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

Before the doctors knew this, we thought my pain and fatigue was my mental state manifesting itself as physical symptoms, so they put me on antidepressants, antipsychotics, stimulants, sleep pills, they kept adding on the meds as my life kept getting more difficult. I could not complete school because of undiagnosed ADHD so I dropped out of college. I tried a different school where teachers spend a lot of time with each student, but I still had severe anxiety that put me through panic attacks every single day.

A few outpatient programs over the next few years while I stuck with working at my job to save up some money and become stable, I had learned to manage my anxiety for the most part at work. But one way I dealt with this was by avoiding eating food - I made it less and less of a priority because I knew if I took my mind off working for one second I'd not be able to get back on track, its been a recurring issue with me. Now eating makes me anxious, and my stomach is killing me. It was something that I slowly lost control of over the course of maybe a year now.. and I'm so deep in this habit that I struggle with getting myself to eat anything. The pain in my stomach is so bad.

So, I still had a weeks worth of work left, but on my break I walked to my car and had this sinking feeling realizing I was not going to return from my break. I just never even got back to my boss. He's seen me struggle with anxiety and helped ground me at times, but I knew he would tell me to stick it out and I would lose my shit. I knew my body could not handle the job, I could barely hold the weight of my body without my legs going numb from exhausted muscles.

But, that was my only reference I had. The only job I had, and now I walked off the job. Now I have this opprtunity to find a different job, but my body is in so much pain, and I've been so anxious, just crying nonstop for like three days now. I slept until 4-5 pm the past few days. I am a wreck. I don't have many people I can see. I just feel isolated and alone, and so freaking tired. I don't know what to do from here.. I feel guilty and ashamed of myself that I really do not have anything to show for my 23 years of life.... and my life has been a war of struggle wondering why I just haven't been able to keep up with these things.

 

[herbavore]

It sounds like you need support so I'm glad you wrote this out. Are you in any kind of therapy for the anxiety? How many years have you been at that job?

It sounds like you are descending into a place of just simply being overwhelmed by life. Talk to your doctor first and then, if you are not already seeing someone, ask for a referral.

 

[neversickanymore]

Before the doctors knew this, we thought my pain and fatigue was my mental state manifesting itself as physical symptoms

It is. Most people probably assume my name refers to never being sick due to drugs anymore. This is not the case.. it refers to never being sick anymore due to your exact symptoms. or very close. Those since I was a hard core addict its fits v nicely with that as well. Back before i beat this they told me fibromyalgia was incurable, well those that even believed it was real. I had chronic fatigue, which is much worse than the neurologically created pain, am I right Irritable bowel, generalized anxiety and panic attacks. Sarcoidosis and other autoimmune symptoms.

Do you have sleep issues and have you had a sleep study if so? Possibly a delayed sleep phase or other circadian difference to most.
Since being placed on all these combinations of medications have you gotten worse compared to better? (I guess you already answered this one)
Did something very traumatic happen to you in your childhood, it did not with me, but its very common in others. If so have you been able to work through it.
Have you gotten a vitamin D test?
Have you seen a Endocrinologist?

What you are experiencing is a pan hypothalamic dysregulation. You're not going to find much information on that as after six years of hell and bankrupting medical consultations that only made things worse, I was forced to correctly diagnose and treat myself. I did this successfully and went from gritting my teeth suicidal because of misery to completely healed and unmedicated.

Look up the hypothalamus.. Its such a powerful little unit. You will find with a little research its the root of all your symptoms

I made a full recovery and it been four years.

I know what your going through. You can figure it out and live a healthy life!

 

[feedtheSoul]

Thank you two so much for the responses!
I have been in and out of therapy for about 12 years. I think growing up unsure of what I was even on this planet for, led to panic attacks as a child, and when you see a crying child its not always easy to find out how deep the sadness goes... I've had much of my feelings invalidated as a child so I think I have had a distorted perception thinking I was incapable of achieving anything. Ive done extensive dbt therapy but maintenence is where I struggle.

neversickanymore, your response is very interesting. I figured the hypothalamus had a lot to do with it but I've been to a endocrinologist, loads of tests, rheumatologist who diagnosed with fbro.

I dont think my meds have lasting benefits and want off most of them.

 

[neversickanymore]

Right.. ask the rheumatologist what fibro is.. at least back when i was going through this.. i got BS.

You need to stabilize the system. Its not simple and will take some effort. Im not a medical professional, but literally put over six months of compulsive study into this. My father is an ER doc and such I was privy to both his considerable intellect, library and journal access.

Given i have been where you are, i certainly would not fuck with you.

So you need to stabilize the equation.

The medications you are being given will further disrupt the system making things worse. A systemic medication you may wish to explore with a physician would be lamictal.

Its a "mood stabilizer" with so many off fda's that fully relate to treating what you suffer. it has a very low incidence of side effects, besides a very serious rash that will necessitate not taking it permanently. (go up very slow, just insist) I experienced nothing but positive effects and was able to taper off in under three months, but your results may obviously vary.

I added in methylphenidate, but in hindsight i may have erred on this. But maybe not as I came out golden. Adrenal fatigue is likely the root of the fatigue so adding this in may have provided a temp "solution" while prolonging symptoms. Taking a dopamine precursor is certainly advised by me. They end up being a more comprehensive nureo tran pre cur down the line. We can either eat food rich in these or take supplements.


Exercise, but done in a very desighned fashion. lookup adrenal fatigue and exercise an folow this.. don't push it or you will not be happy.

Non medicated sleep.. essential

Cognitive behavioral therapy.. change your thinking and you change your perception and this makes a whole new world.

Make peace with the past as continuing to let the sick people and the things they did affect us is choosing to continually be slaughtered by them.. forgive them as forgiveness is for us and not them, they can burn, but we can climb out if the flames.

have to reset a very complex system.. but so much amazing shit at the end.

 

[feedtheSoul]

neversickanymore, you are very wise, thank you so much for sharing this with me. I absolutely agree that with each medication that was added, I felt worse over time. I've tried to get off of a few so far. Right now, lyrica withdrawals are terrible. My vision is blurry, I even nearly passed out in my boyfriends car after a panic attack and had to lay in the back seat for an hour before I could drive home. I feel very weak...exhausted. I've lost significant weight and I feel like my stomach is eating itself, but I cant get my self to eat normally. My mom and I plan to spend the week together trying to first balance my sleep and eating before I get back into doing other things. Its been 4 days off the lyrica but I'm sure over time it will get easier.
My friend and I plan to start doing light aerobics classes to help me get a little more active, too.
I've been working with CBT therapy since this started, and it has definitely helped me manage my emotions and how I cope, though I do need to reinforce it every few months.

I've seen some stuff about alpha-lipoic-acid for neuropathic pain. Do you know anything about this supplement? There was another one that started with the letter B but I can't remember it.

Non medicated sleep is certainly difficult. I stopped taking my sleeping pill about two weeks ago because it interfered with my ability to get out of bed. Here are my current meds:

Adderall for my ADHD/fibro fog
Xanax for my panic attacks (they are often)
Omeprozale for stomach pain (my stomach still hurts but I think this is a matter of eating. My stomach tends to produce a lot of acid.)
Daily multivitamin for women
Effexor (seems after starting this is around the time the pain began.. hmm.)
Lexapro was added when I started seeing a new psychiatrist, feeling depressed, so he (I believe) intended to augment the effexor OR bring me to a stable point to ween off effexor. About 6 mo later, we decreased the effexor. Coming off left me in a new kind of hell - by day 6 I went back to my previous dose. I almost lost my job from feeling emotional enough to effect my work.
A daily womens multi.

I used to take risperidone for racing thoughts, which I always thought helped me, but I didn't realize all the nasty side effects it comes with. I ran out of that one about 3 weeks ago and didn't refill it. I recall my doc a few times saying that my low dose of .5mg didn't really need to be tapered. I noticed increase in racing thoughts, but I figure I gotta wait this one out.

I also finished all my birth control refills, and after trying to get a new script for two weeks, my hormones were already all out of sorts by then lol. I need to schedule an annual exam in order to get back on the pill, which I always thought kept my mood more stable than before I was on it.

So basically over the course of three weeks, I cold turkey stopped: lyrica (HELL! lol) risperidone, mirtazapine and my birth control. No wonder my body can barely function right now.

I also occasionally take caffiene pills or aleve which only helps me to an extent. It seems without caffiene, I cannot get my brain to clear up for the day. I definitely do not drink enough water either. Swallowing things seems to upset my stomach which is how I slowly stopped eating almost anything at all.

I just feel very...foggy. Then I get extreme spurts of panic and anger. Does anyone know how long it will last? I took lyrica for about 3 months before I decided to stop.

I am going to look into this lamictal stuff you speak of. It sounds interesting. I've heard the name methylphenidate but what exactly is this? Do you think I should try this with the lamictal or start with lamictal first and then add methylphenidate if needed later on?

Just knowing people who have gotten through exactly what I'm dealing with, is such a relief. I really am glad you stumbled upon my thread!

 

[feedtheSoul]

Someone who came into my store alot when I was working, recently asked why I seemed so down, and I explained about the chronic pain, and she asked if I had fibromyalgia. Apparently she does too! And she told me that she tried the medications at first but eventually got off all of them, and says yoga has been the best thing so far for her. I've been wanting to try that!

 

[neversickanymore]

^ perfect start to the exercise treatment :D

If non medicated and in a fantasy world with no obligations when would you naturally rise from sleep and go to bed?

Are you constant on the xanax?

 

[feedtheSoul]

I take .5mg of xanax twice a day. I have found if I don't take one I start feeling very uncomfortable. This dose is where I started (about a year ago) and I have not upped it. I ran out for two weeks once without calling to refill, and it felt like hell. Couldn't stop shaking.

Right now, with all of these medications, I tend to fall asleep as late as 3 or 4 in the morning! I need a lot of help getting out of bed - I set several alarms, and sleep through them all. Usually my mom has to keep coming in and telling me the time. Sometimes I'll sleep all the way into the evening if I feel really depressed.

Its been a while since I started medications, I was in highschool so I naturally stayed up pretty late, but during periods where I've felt better, I seem to be able to fall asleep by 10:30 and be able to get out of bed in the morning around 11-12. I've always struggled getting up any earlier than this.

 

[neversickanymore]

Such good news really feedtheSoul, even the no job thing. Your dose of the xanax is off. You will need to take either more xanax or switch to a long acting benzo. For real results you will need to detox from this medication.

Since you are out of work You have the opertunity of precuring a job that fits your natural circadian rythem. One that starts after you naturally wake up and ends before you would naturally go to sleep.

If this is no possible your already prescribed the correct medication to help treat this. Do you go on runs with the Adderall to feel better or can you dose as directed daily.. no judgment.

I would certainly add in a few things to your treatment.

Are you familiar with sleep hygiene. Are you familiar with blue light therapy.. not the free priceless life saving consultation with my non professional medical ass, but the light therapy.

I would add in vitamin D at the max and have your levels checked. I would add in fish oil as well, high quality with toxic metals removed. The precursors to dopamine and other relative neurotransmitters would be L-Tyrosine and Phenylalanine. I would certainly add one of these.

Here is information on detoxing the benzos if this is an avenue you ever want to explore. Anxiety indicates and drives there is something that needs to be addressed in our lives. If we try and hide from this permanently with a psychiatric medication then the system gets pissed and send stronger motivations like mood pain and unbearable fatigue.

Benzo Information
BENZODIAZEPINES: HOW THEY WORK AND HOW TO WITHDRAW (aka The Ashton Manual)
Benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome Wiki

You really can recover fully from this.. I did

 

[Kittycat5]

Alpha lipoic acid is fairly usefull for diabetic neuropathy and as fibromyalgia is kind of related, it is worth a shot. I actually think there is evidence of benefit in fibro to tell the truth, but more for the neuropathy is what I am aware of. Probably need high doses, at least 600mg.

The B vitamin is probably B-6, but taking a B-complex and maybe adding a bit extra B-6 would be a good idea. Besides the B vitamins, especially B-6 positive effects on nerve conduction, they may help you with energy. But dont expect a quick pep me up like a cup of coffee, takes some time to work.

Neversick is giving great advice. I would add evaluate your diet as well. Lots of fruits and vegetables, cut down on read meat and starches and utilize antiinflammatory and pain reduction herbs, spices and foods. Tumeric is really an awesome spice health-wise and I personally find it delicious. You can also take it as a supplement if you dont like the taste or any other reason, and actually taking a supplement and cooking with it would be ideal. If possible, get checked for any food sensitivities or allergies as they can really worsen pain, fatigue and overall well being.

Dont have much more to add except research and buy quality vitamins as the supplement industry lacks real regulation and too often cheap shit has little to no active ingredients.

Hope you are doing ok and I wouldnt fret so much about losing your job for now. Focus on getting healthy if you can afford to not work for now and you will come back a stronger person both personally and professionally.

 

[Towelie420]

Neurontin or gabapaentin works wonders for nerve pain from fibromyalgia I take it for a slipped disk in my back I'm an addict so no pain pills hope all well is going for you I'm pray for you hope you can get another job btw.

 

[w0w0mg]

What's up feedthesoul, don't feel bad man.
I am 24 years old and literally I have done NOTHING with my life.
I back slide, over and over due to drug use.
I suffer from bad anxiety and depression which causes me to relapse so many damn times.
I am self destructive. I am a criminal. I most likely have no future due to my past but I still have some will power.
I have not completely given up and you shouldn't either.
Just take it one day at a time. We're still young mate. We will learn to cope better, we will learn to live better.
It's harder to smile, laugh, and enjoy rather than cry, yell, and isolate for us. That's just how our brain works right now.
But we can change those behaviors. It will take time and extra work but we will get through it man.
I'm proud of you that you were able to hold a job for 5 years! That's amazing alone.
If it's hurting your body too much just try to find something else. It's not worth the misery my friend, trust me.
I am going thru drug withdrawals, and my emotions are all over the slip. I slip up but I still haven't given up.
You shouldn't give up. Continue working on yourself, things will get better, I promise.

Much love to you.