silence
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 20, 1999
- Messages
- 3,055
I am so sick of waiting... Waiting to go to work,Waiting to get off of work,waiting for the weekend,and waiting for it all to start again. An endless circle of waiting. What the Fuck am I waiting for? Why do I think that by doing the same things week after week sooner or later I'll feel better? As if some magical force will change my daily nightmare.
Is Routine purgatory for the living? I know that elderly people use routine as a form of a safety net. A daily comfort of knowing whats going to happen next. Any deviation in their routine could cause fear and helplessness.
For me it's a prison.Caged and enwrapped in it, I feel alone. Family no escape because they to are victims of the same tomb. Some minor variations,of course but afflicted just the same.
I am living a shallow existance being careful not to scratch the surface too deeply Ocassionally delving deeper,always ending in heartache and eventual surrender to my prison.
Relationships falter because, apparently,I am the exception to the "Misery loves company rule" We fall in love and nothing else in the world matters.Just us. Two people who can't seem to be close enough to each other. Work,school,family,and friends all fade out of our lives as we concetrate on love. Grasping at every moment in an attempt to hold time at bay. All the while knowing whats coming.... routine. At first we deny that it's happening. Claiming the other dosent understand or listen to the others feelings. Then individual routines come back. Hers and mine Of course they are not compatible that would be too easy They collide like Heaven and Hell with each trying to eliminate the other. Any attempt to modify either one ends in accusations and defensiveness, Both of us willing to crush the other to save the reason we were unhappy in the first place. The whole reason we fell in love. We thought that love was an aquittal for our sentence. I've learned that it is more like a weekend pass, A temporary escape from our solitude Only to be snatched away by our insecurities and our selfish need to internalize everything.
So with our hearts broken and our views of love stained we crawl back into the ever open door of our individual prisons.
Sure we fight it once we're inside, Because now we have all the solutions to our issues New job, New friends,new outlook on life. We eventually learn that the job,friends and perspectives are just the warden convincing us to behave and stay in our cells. At times we have flashes of hope opening our eyes to the mistakes that we have made that led us back here. It's always too late though. The doors are locked and the cycle has started again. I keep telling myself that the next time I'm out I'll lock the key inside, but I'm sure she'll have an extra made just in case...
Is Routine purgatory for the living? I know that elderly people use routine as a form of a safety net. A daily comfort of knowing whats going to happen next. Any deviation in their routine could cause fear and helplessness.
For me it's a prison.Caged and enwrapped in it, I feel alone. Family no escape because they to are victims of the same tomb. Some minor variations,of course but afflicted just the same.
I am living a shallow existance being careful not to scratch the surface too deeply Ocassionally delving deeper,always ending in heartache and eventual surrender to my prison.
Relationships falter because, apparently,I am the exception to the "Misery loves company rule" We fall in love and nothing else in the world matters.Just us. Two people who can't seem to be close enough to each other. Work,school,family,and friends all fade out of our lives as we concetrate on love. Grasping at every moment in an attempt to hold time at bay. All the while knowing whats coming.... routine. At first we deny that it's happening. Claiming the other dosent understand or listen to the others feelings. Then individual routines come back. Hers and mine Of course they are not compatible that would be too easy They collide like Heaven and Hell with each trying to eliminate the other. Any attempt to modify either one ends in accusations and defensiveness, Both of us willing to crush the other to save the reason we were unhappy in the first place. The whole reason we fell in love. We thought that love was an aquittal for our sentence. I've learned that it is more like a weekend pass, A temporary escape from our solitude Only to be snatched away by our insecurities and our selfish need to internalize everything.
So with our hearts broken and our views of love stained we crawl back into the ever open door of our individual prisons.
Sure we fight it once we're inside, Because now we have all the solutions to our issues New job, New friends,new outlook on life. We eventually learn that the job,friends and perspectives are just the warden convincing us to behave and stay in our cells. At times we have flashes of hope opening our eyes to the mistakes that we have made that led us back here. It's always too late though. The doors are locked and the cycle has started again. I keep telling myself that the next time I'm out I'll lock the key inside, but I'm sure she'll have an extra made just in case...
Anyways, I feel your pain.