Waiting till I break this vicious cycle

[desertracer543]

The last year has been a long journey of ups and downs and I've had a chance to battle my addictions that consume me. I went to rehab last april and continued into sober living after that where I managed to scrape together periods of sobriety, but I'm a chronic relapser. I have abused abused most drugs other than opiates, mainly cocaine, alcohol, psychedelics, and MDMA but the cocaine is really whats beaten me down the most. I've never been fully committed to sobriety and AA, as I have reservations about complete abstinence. A few months ago I got 4 months sober and decided that it wasn't something I wanted...Thinking I could manage my cocaine use this time around, I was completely wrong and I ended up deleting my "friend" from my contacts who gets us coke. I'm fine when I don't have access to it, but when I have it in my possession, I'll use it all.

The last couple weeks have actually been great for me...until this weekend. Just working a lot and little time to even think about using. Having a drink occasionally after work was nice. A big 3 day festival is coming up and my good friend and I had saved a 8ball from a few weeks ago to bring with us and I ended up using it all over a 4 night period which lead to me calling in sick to work saturday morning and missing class today. I feel like a piece of shit, I just feel physically dead after getting so little sleep and eating so little food. I never truly realized the power of my coke addiction until I started doing coke this time around because our source has much purer stuff than I've ever had before in the 3 or 4 years I've been messing with it.

Now I am out a bunch of money and need to reimburse my friend/get him more coke for the festival because I'm not one to rip people off.

I even had purchased 5 purple battery pressed pills for the festival a month ago and the same day I got them, I ended up snorting 4.5 of them all night. Yes, thats fucking insane as they are dosed 200mg+ per pill. I got lucky with that one and other than the day after, I didn't experience too many side effects.

I think I just needed to vent because I'm struggling and I'm waiting for the moment wear I can get past this completely. I know I can do it...

 

[Maya]

Absolutely, you can do it! I have done it in the past and tbh, I was somewhat similar to you, cocaine was one of my fave ones and as long as it was in front of me, sky's the limit. Dont wait until you feel ill or get some anxiety issues like I've had. If you have been browsing some threads here on bluelight, then you have read some stories about struggles and worst, medical issues, so learn from the ones you have read.

 

[herbavore]

It's great that you have the determination that you do--that will get you started in the right direction. Getting more coke for your friend sounds like a risky temptation, though. Is there someone else you could get to do it so that you make it right without putting yourself at risk?

 

[desertracer543]

Welp here I am again, coming up on August. Today is day 1 of my committed sobriety.

Over the weekend I went clubbing and drank a bunch 3 nights in a row (blacking out twice + lost my phone and credit card + spent about every penny I had in my bank account + have random bruises and a cut on my shoulder) and then proceeded to take 6mg of DOC, which absolutely destroyed my mind and reconstructed it right in front of me (not literally but metaphorically lol). I was up for 2 days tripping balls and went through a lot of serious thinking and was completely broken down. I came to the resolution of getting in contact with my old AA sponsor/friend while I was starting to come down (on Sunday) and then meet up with her on Monday night for a late night AA meeting. She introduced me to a good friend of hers and I picked him up as my new sponsor. It all happened so quickly but I think there's no going back from here.

I also need to make a huge amends to a couple close family members (which I'm nervous about), since I bailed on our plans for Sunday and completely ignored their attempts to contact me. I think that was what made me feel the worst in the end. Not showing up for a day trip with my family, especially when one of them drove an hour north to see my sister and I.

It's been a few months sense I left AA and I'm hoping this new beginning will be even better than last time. I'm still trying to integrate my DOC trip and think it's going to take a while to do so, but I think I'm headed in the best direction. I took a massive dose of psychedelics and it kicked my ass and taught me a lesson..... Just felt like venting, as I'm nervous, scared, and adjusting after this past weekend. Good night

 

[herbavore]

Well, I'm feel like you are inching closer and closer to the unshakable knowledge that you want to quit using substances. Some of us need a lot of "evidence" before we can get the determination to change.

I can imagine that you are nervous and scared but that is to be expected when you attempt a big change. The important thing is to address why you have no control over your use (and there may be many answers to that) and then to try to find support for those issues as well as support for staying off drugs. drugs are on the surface and the reasons for the drugs is deeper. Getting to that deeper place and making the changes there will help you not to relapse.