Some days I'm just not sure how to start or what to write about. Today, as much as I wanted to write something positive instead of negative, the negative is just easier to get out. When my day is positive, and nothing is wrong I have a difficult time forcing myself to sit down and write. But I feel like it's important to write when I'm feeling/doing good as well as when I'm sad/angry/depressed so when I read back through my entries I can see that life wasn't bad ALL The time...however, today isn't necessarily a good day...yet.
Today I am anxiously awaiting my boyfriend getting home from work. Not because I'm dying to be with him! Haha, we've been together for almost 11 years. No, because I am waiting to hear back from an employer. One that I interviewed with last Tuesday at a really good restaurant that is three blocks away from my home. It's especially nerve wrecking because I don't have my own phone. My egg donor/womb rental (mother) shut my phone off a few weeks (maybe a few months now?) without giving me a heads up, so I have to depend on my boyfriend to a)answer his phone-which he has a difficult time doing, especially if it's a number he's not familiar with, and b) relay the message to me if/when the call comes in. I interviewed on Tuesday and I thought it went well and when I asked when they were planning on opening I was told in 9 days and that they would probably be calling folks back at the end of the week because things are happening so quickly. Well, I called Thursday and talked with the manager who interviewed me and he said that he wouldn't be making any decisions until Monday (today) or Tuesday. I know he interviewed a TON of people for every position in the restaurant. I really want this job. I really NEED this job. I don't want to bug the manager, but I also want to stand out because of how many folks he must have interviewed.
A huge part of me is super depressed. It seems like every time I interview and I walk away feeling like I did fantastic, I never get the job. That implies that I DO get the job when I leave the interview feeling like I failed, OR when I am hired on the spot. So because I felt so great after the interview there is a feeling in the pit of my stomach that is eating away at my mind today. I even pulled up a friend the other day and asked her to pray for me about this job (and I am not religious in any way...but a part of me does believe in the power of positive thoughts and maybe the more positive thoughts that are floating around the better? I don't know why I asked her to, I just did..that's how much I really want/need this job)...and it's completely out of my control. I feel anxious, I feel jittery, I feel sad (although I ought not to yet...I haven't been turned down for the job yet) and I feel almost hopeless. I have 20 years of serving experience. I am a damn good server! I look good on paper! A degree from an amazing university, volunteer work in the community, leadership skills....I am an honest, loyal, dependable, reliable, trustworthy, hard working employee. I would be a great asset to any company! So why is it that I'm having such a hard time finding a great job?
My plan was to call the manager when my boyfriend got home, but now I'm second guessing myself. I don't want to come across as needy or high maintenance due to calling too much, but then again, he is hiring for a whole damn restaurant, so I know he must have interviewed a TON of folks and I want to stand out. Fuck.
My recovery is up and down. My cravings are starting to come back. I think about taking 10-15 of those perks I have sitting in my cabinet and CWE'ing them and drinking the liquid...just to feel high again. But I haven't yet. Smoking herb kinda helps the cravings, but I can only smoke at night, because if I smoke during the day I do get HIGH and if I am not constantly moving around then I'm on my way to the land of nod AND I eat my weight in sugar (not great! I tell my boyfriend that we're going to give up opiate addiction and trade it for diabetes! ha ha). Drinking doesn't sound all that great anymore, and I use to LOVE to throw back a few beers with a side of whiskey. And some times I think to myself, hmmmm a whiskey and pbr sounds delicious right now, but I know better. Again, I can't drink during the day. I have two children and responsibilities, and if I day drank, I'd not be a very good mom. Hence the reasons I became an opiate addict in the first place! I could take opiates all day, starting the moment I wake up, and still be fully functional! It was great! Until it wasn't...until my tolerance sky rocketed and eventually (you all know the story) I was just using to keep from getting sick and had to use astronomically high amounts of oxy (or any other pharm) to get high...either that or switch to H, which I eventually did. I think that if I were to get this job it would really help in my recovery. Being productive and not depressed because we're so broke, with two kids and pets galore (two rats, one cat, and two bull frogs), would make a huge difference in my cravings.
But no matter how much I want this, no matter how good this job would be for me, no matter what kind of great employee I'd be, I have absolutely NO say in if I get this job. I wish I did. I can't stop thinking about how much I need this.
Oh how I need to get high, to take my mind off of this crazy torture. Do I call the manager today? Do I wait until tomorrow? Fuck, the anticipation is killing me! Just take the meds...my mind says...just take them and forget about calling today-you don't want to be "that" girl. A friend told me today that I should think of job hunting/interviewing like dating. I called him once to follow up (he knows I'm interested) and now the ball is in his court. Ugh. Maybe if I were to follow those dating rules I wouldn't have had so much problems with dating as a younger me...but that's not even me with dating! If I like someone, I don't play those silly games, I just go for the gold! Let it be known that I like them and even asking them out on a date first. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, although I am learning more day by day.
Ahh fuck me. IF my boyfriend doesn't get home soon (as in before dinner rush time at a restaurant) I will be stuck forcing myself to wait until tomorrow to call and follow up.
I guess that's all for now folks. Don't know what else to say. Until next time!
Today I am anxiously awaiting my boyfriend getting home from work. Not because I'm dying to be with him! Haha, we've been together for almost 11 years. No, because I am waiting to hear back from an employer. One that I interviewed with last Tuesday at a really good restaurant that is three blocks away from my home. It's especially nerve wrecking because I don't have my own phone. My egg donor/womb rental (mother) shut my phone off a few weeks (maybe a few months now?) without giving me a heads up, so I have to depend on my boyfriend to a)answer his phone-which he has a difficult time doing, especially if it's a number he's not familiar with, and b) relay the message to me if/when the call comes in. I interviewed on Tuesday and I thought it went well and when I asked when they were planning on opening I was told in 9 days and that they would probably be calling folks back at the end of the week because things are happening so quickly. Well, I called Thursday and talked with the manager who interviewed me and he said that he wouldn't be making any decisions until Monday (today) or Tuesday. I know he interviewed a TON of people for every position in the restaurant. I really want this job. I really NEED this job. I don't want to bug the manager, but I also want to stand out because of how many folks he must have interviewed.
A huge part of me is super depressed. It seems like every time I interview and I walk away feeling like I did fantastic, I never get the job. That implies that I DO get the job when I leave the interview feeling like I failed, OR when I am hired on the spot. So because I felt so great after the interview there is a feeling in the pit of my stomach that is eating away at my mind today. I even pulled up a friend the other day and asked her to pray for me about this job (and I am not religious in any way...but a part of me does believe in the power of positive thoughts and maybe the more positive thoughts that are floating around the better? I don't know why I asked her to, I just did..that's how much I really want/need this job)...and it's completely out of my control. I feel anxious, I feel jittery, I feel sad (although I ought not to yet...I haven't been turned down for the job yet) and I feel almost hopeless. I have 20 years of serving experience. I am a damn good server! I look good on paper! A degree from an amazing university, volunteer work in the community, leadership skills....I am an honest, loyal, dependable, reliable, trustworthy, hard working employee. I would be a great asset to any company! So why is it that I'm having such a hard time finding a great job?
My plan was to call the manager when my boyfriend got home, but now I'm second guessing myself. I don't want to come across as needy or high maintenance due to calling too much, but then again, he is hiring for a whole damn restaurant, so I know he must have interviewed a TON of folks and I want to stand out. Fuck.
My recovery is up and down. My cravings are starting to come back. I think about taking 10-15 of those perks I have sitting in my cabinet and CWE'ing them and drinking the liquid...just to feel high again. But I haven't yet. Smoking herb kinda helps the cravings, but I can only smoke at night, because if I smoke during the day I do get HIGH and if I am not constantly moving around then I'm on my way to the land of nod AND I eat my weight in sugar (not great! I tell my boyfriend that we're going to give up opiate addiction and trade it for diabetes! ha ha). Drinking doesn't sound all that great anymore, and I use to LOVE to throw back a few beers with a side of whiskey. And some times I think to myself, hmmmm a whiskey and pbr sounds delicious right now, but I know better. Again, I can't drink during the day. I have two children and responsibilities, and if I day drank, I'd not be a very good mom. Hence the reasons I became an opiate addict in the first place! I could take opiates all day, starting the moment I wake up, and still be fully functional! It was great! Until it wasn't...until my tolerance sky rocketed and eventually (you all know the story) I was just using to keep from getting sick and had to use astronomically high amounts of oxy (or any other pharm) to get high...either that or switch to H, which I eventually did. I think that if I were to get this job it would really help in my recovery. Being productive and not depressed because we're so broke, with two kids and pets galore (two rats, one cat, and two bull frogs), would make a huge difference in my cravings.
But no matter how much I want this, no matter how good this job would be for me, no matter what kind of great employee I'd be, I have absolutely NO say in if I get this job. I wish I did. I can't stop thinking about how much I need this.
Oh how I need to get high, to take my mind off of this crazy torture. Do I call the manager today? Do I wait until tomorrow? Fuck, the anticipation is killing me! Just take the meds...my mind says...just take them and forget about calling today-you don't want to be "that" girl. A friend told me today that I should think of job hunting/interviewing like dating. I called him once to follow up (he knows I'm interested) and now the ball is in his court. Ugh. Maybe if I were to follow those dating rules I wouldn't have had so much problems with dating as a younger me...but that's not even me with dating! If I like someone, I don't play those silly games, I just go for the gold! Let it be known that I like them and even asking them out on a date first. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, although I am learning more day by day.
Ahh fuck me. IF my boyfriend doesn't get home soon (as in before dinner rush time at a restaurant) I will be stuck forcing myself to wait until tomorrow to call and follow up.
I guess that's all for now folks. Don't know what else to say. Until next time!