Opioids Using Opioids to Cope with Depression From The Death of a Pet

[PsychonautRyan]

I've had a pretty tough week, when our cat was originally dropped off at the vet's clinic to treat what was thought to be a ruptured bladder infection, it was discovered that he was filling with abdominal fluids either as a result of cancer, heart disease or FIP virus. The "best" we could hope for was heart disease, which would cost a $300 Ultrasound to even diagnose, and in severe cases such as his, they rarely live longer than a year past diagnosis with expensive surgeries and medications. Mom told us we could visit him one last time before we put him to sleep, and I just needed a day-off to cope and try to prepare myself for saying good-bye to our cat one last time.

I asked to see him on Friday, and Mom said he might not make it until then. Anyway, the Thursday was my day-off, just to run errands and try to ready myself for tomorrow, after I got home from an oil change, but Mom and my brother visited him anyway. So I asked if I could see him, and she said that she is in too much misery watching him suffer, so she had him put to sleep after they left. I was beyond pissed off: she couldn't have called me, and I could drop everything and get there in an hour or less? Was the cat suffering that much for that to be out-of-the-question? If that weren't bad enough, she could've also called me to give me a heads-up, instead of finding out 20 minutes before I had to go to work.

I could at least try to find solace and reassurance in saying good-bye to our cat, because I really fucking loved him, and I just felt cheated and that Mom robbed me of an opportunity to say farewell one last time. I know she was probably overwhelmed with emotion to think this through, and I lashed out at her and she stormed out of the room crying.

I've just been having episodes a few times each day where I just break down crying for a few minutes, and I have no idea when I'll recover from the grieving process. In fact, just last night when I had to change laundry over, I saw his litter box, emptied out and unused, and I just broke down into tears. What's worse is that I have high hopes for this coming semester, and this just sets up a gloomy backdrop for it.

So coincidentally, our grandma is attending a fitness rehab center because of a dislodged disc in her back, Mom cleaned out her house of medications under the doctor's advisement seeing as how she had a drinking problem as well. Anyway, I found morphine sulfate (15 mg) and hydrocodone pills (10 mg w/ 325 mg acetaminophen), so I took three of the morphine pills and five of hydros, and she also had Xanax, and there were empty pill bottles of hydrocodone in the rest of the grocery bag. I only took three Xanax bars, since there were about half-a-dozen left, and I doubt that Mom had inventoried each pill in the bag, but I think I'll just play it on the safe side.

Normally, I'd be absolutely turned-off to benzodiazepines and opioids because the state of euphoria, relaxation and a warm sense of well-being is an illusion of manipulating GABA and dopamine release respectively, and aside from alcohol, and I'm sick of hangovers. I am prescribed Adderall, and Paul Erdos used amphetamines for depression, but I see them as a means to an end for achieving productivity, energy and motivation (caffeine x100).

I prefer psychedelics more than anything, because of the insights they reveal, though sometimes unwanted or unpleasant, as well as the sense of lasting oneness and transcendence, the heightened creativity/abstract thinking, and a feeling of open-minded acceptance, harmony and peace that resides long after the experience because it is imprinted on my conscious expansion. I have a small amount of mushrooms remaining (1/32 oz., 0.875 grams), but given the gloomy mood I'm in I'd stay away for awhile. In fact, I mixed LSD and mushrooms on Wednesday, both in moderate doses (180 mics with 1/32 oz. mushrooms as a light booster later on), and when I was on that positive afterglow in the afternoon, Mom told me about the health issues with the cat, which is the ultimate buzz-kill for such a spiritually-insightful experience, and kind of hard to reconcile with in that state of consciousness.

Anyway, knowing that Mom is probably going to deposit them with a DEA medication disposal service, I have those pills in a baggie. Essentially, I just intend to use these drugs to cope, with off-days to gauge the severity of my depression, and I feel I'll be cleared up in one or two weeks, I just don't want to be in a gloomy fog the first week of the semester. I just intend to use low dosages, and I know alcohol should absolutely be avoided, and I'm sure speed with opiates/benzos at the same time is just asking for multiple substance addictions, so I'll have to be conservative. Or am I only fooling myself by thinking I'm disciplined enough to avoid dependency and just flush them down the toilet?

 

[missmeyet?]

Well considering you have a pretty limited supply you probably don't have to worry too much about dependency unless of course you like them well enough that you end up seeking more (which could very well happen and frequently does happen with some people). The real issue I think is that by taking these meds to cope with your sadness only covers up the problem and extends your grieving process because you never actually address these issues.

Personally, if it were someone in my life that I was giving advice to I would tell them to skip on the pills altogether, continue your grieving process so that eventually you will come to terms with your loss and start feeling better instead of covering it up and not dealing with it. This could be a very dangerous path to possibly go down.

I'm sorry for your loss..I have been there and I promise, you will eventually feel better.

 

[Mr.Scagnattie]

Using drugs to cope with any emotional pain is a recipe for disaster in my opinion. It very easily gets out of hand and pretty soon, you start looking to drugs to numb any and every pain you have. This kind of usage can very easily lead to dependency.

Be careful.

Sorry about your pet also. I know what it's like to have them die. Very sucky. But, you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you end up with a drug addiction because of it.

 

[cripkeeper]

I know the lost of a loved one is completely devastating, and no matter what anybody says a loved pet is a family member. It's easy to say not to turn to drugs to cope, but let us not kid ourselves. Mankind has been doing it since time began. Just keep yourself in check and if you think your having a problem with dependency seek help here or by a doc. Sadness is no fun, nor is addiction. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I was in a total familiar situation not long ago myself. It's been a few years, and I still cry on occasion. Remember the pain might go down a bit with time, but it will always be there if you really loved em. So please don't expect a short term solution to cover up feelings assuming you get past it, you'll just associate that with your pain and reach for it later down the road.

 

[alt 14]

I've never had a pet die, but my best friend at the time wrecked on his bicycle and landed on his back and the beer bottles in his book bag lashed him open and he bled out. He was an alcoholic, and was drunk at the time. If he screamed for help, no one heard him because they didn't find him for a couple days.

I'm not a pussy, but having a pet die is different from watching grandpa shoot a cow for your food. I've never actually had a pet die yet, but its going to happen. Our first generation of dogs are like 13 years old and its about time. Idk when she'll have them put down, but my moms smart enough to know when enough's enough. It sounds like your cat was in pain, so I'm glad it's not anymore.

Anyway the reason I brought up the recent passing of my friend Adam is because I started to drink heavily for a few months. I didn't cry for a long time at first. Idk if drinking put it off or not, but eventually I cried. I don't think you should do drugs for a cat dying though. It kind of sounds like you're making up an excuse to use to me. I wouldn't think too hard about the drugs if I'm off base here though. They're just drugs. If you only use em once a week/everyother/whatever, what's it matter what drugs they are?

 

[cripkeeper]

I think anybody who uses anything is obviously going to turn to them in times of hurt. I don't think it's an excuse homie, emotional pain is almost as bad if not worse than physical pain. I know you know that kind of pain alt. When it comes to a loved one being human or feline, even if it's in the best interest, there's never a right time to say goodbye,

 

[f33lg00d]

I found NDMA antagonists best for dealing with emotional pain, because it causes euphoria and a feeling of detachment were events can be thought about without be overwhelmed with bad feelings. Great for integrating traumatic events. I recommend 200-354mg DXM.

 

[Halif]

Excellent post from Mr. Scagnattie.

Totally agree that trying to outrun grief through numbing medications can be disastrous.

I've suffered from severe depressive episodes since my mid-teens, and have been using all kinds of substances to try to escape from this. The reason I self medicate is because I don't understand the cause of the unbearable feelings that seem to come from nowhere. After trying so many things (counselling, meditations, anti-depressants, specific diets, exercising regularly, etc) and finding that the depression always comes and goes randomly, I get fed up and take stuff to give myself a break.

By contrast, when something happens in life that deeply upsets me (death of a pet, break up of long term relationship, death of parent), I actually reduce or stop using drugs for a while because I know I need to feel and process what has happened, so I can give the gravity of the situation the respect it deserves and then try to move on as best as I can.

Using drugs to cope with any emotional pain is a recipe for disaster in my opinion. It very easily gets out of hand and pretty soon, you start looking to drugs to numb any and every pain you have. This kind of usage can very easily lead to dependency.

Be careful.

Sorry about your pet also. I know what it's like to have them die. Very sucky. But, you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you end up with a drug addiction because of it.

 

[mrflowers00]

using drugs to deal with death is bad it stops you from doing what people do naturally do to deal with the death of someone close which is grieving

 

[T. Calderone]

Sorry to hear this happened. I've lost quite a few pets over the years and lots of loved ones too. Only one time did we have a dog who died in his sleep. It's so much harder emotionally it seems when you're forced to make the decision to put them to sleep. I realize you feel cheated but your mom probably felt she had no choice at the time. In an emergency situation people don't usually have a perfect plan and often have regrets.

My last euthanasia experience, we had a couple close calls because my dog was 14 and his legs kept going out on him. The vet had the shot ready and suddenly "Marvin" made a miraculous recovery as if he knew and started jumping at the door to get out! He hung in for another year and when it was time, we knew it was coming. The staff were wonderful, my best friend came with me for support and I got to pet and talk to him until he passed.

But I still second guessed my decision. His heart was healthy and he was eating well and in good spirits. But he couldn't walk and I didn't want him to suffer anymore. Like someone else said, it's never a good time. I didn't want to cry in front of my son when I got home but it couldn't be helped. I also drank some wine but it didn't make the situation better. Luckily, I didn't have to work the next day because I was still pretty depressed over it.

I guess you could ask yourself if you had that final chance to say goodbye, would you still want to take those pills? It's normal to feel like you need to medicate yourself with something. Just don't go nuts with them because the pain will still be there once the buzz is gone. Lately I've been talking about my sickly dog on here a lot and you guys probably are tired of it.

I won't lie to you, I do crave a drink right now to help take the edge off but I am fighting the urge. Didn't mean to ramble, but I think you know what I'm trying to say. It's easy to get in the habit of reaching for some relief, even when it's not a grieving or sad situation. Keep your head up because it won't last forever and your kitty knows you miss him. Sending you a hug!

 

[Survival0200]

I feel you. My cat isn't also feeling too well at the moment. I wish you strenght!

 

[crOOk]

I have had many of our family pets die (and a few relatives and friends, too) and to me the most efficient way to cope with death has always been to do so long before happens. I have also been robbed of the chance to say goodbye to two of my dogs under similar circumstances. It sucked and I feel you.

You'll get over this in time, I'd strongly suggest you to do so without opiates, but I have myself used alcohol to cope with great emotional pain due to life plans having gone different than expected.

With your next dog, it will be much easier! You will have to see it's death coming long before it has the chance to take you by surprise and accept or even embrace the ephemeral nature of our loved ones' and our own lives.

 

[Mr.Scagnattie]

Some of the worst points in my addiction have been after I turned to drugs to kill the pain felt by loosing people. When you get high for that reason.. to be numb, little parts of your soul get sucked away every time.

You need to learn to deal with grief in a healthy/productive way, otherwise.. it's just going to increase the speed of your overall decline ten fold.

 

[sekio]

Don't use drugs to deal with grief unless you want to dig the pit deeper.

 

[atlanticsurrrrge]

Been there if you had a cat you loved for years it can be so sad when they die, like a best friend who didnt care what kind of day you had. if your a very addictive personality i wouldnt suggest doing any drugs atall. if you have lots of self -control then i guess using drugs a couple times a week isnt so bad as long as you dont become addicted and there not hard hard drugs that are dangerous. use good judgement from a neurochemical perspective and then it could help you out of a jam, just dont overdo it cause then you will end up in a worse position than before.