thizzin' since 98
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2011
- Messages
- 118
Hey fellow bluelighters,
It's thizzin. I am back to share my story about MDMA abuse and what I have unfortunately had to suffer with for just about the last two and a half years of my life and also to update anyone who remembers my frantic posts all over BL during my darkest times.
Back in November of 2010 I was introduced to ecstasy in the form of "poke balls" or pressed pills. Mind you, I had turned 18 just a week before my first roll, so I was young and naive. I ended up taking ecstasy, both in powder and pressed form for the next 3 months, consuming anywhere from 12 pills, approximately 4 a night, each weekend, usually rolling from Friday to Sunday, then taking the next few days off to recover and continuing the same pattern.
Unfortunately for me, I didn't ever test my product. For me, every roll was as good as the last. I never ever had a problem or "bad trip". I always felt on top of the world, extremely confident, finding myself crying tears of joy during most of my experiences. I always picked up from the same supplier, so I felt "safe" and never gave a second thought before I would decide to roll. But this last time, was a very different story.
I took a Blue Rolex, it was the only one in the batch that I purchased, and right away I noticed it was unlike anything else I had ever taken. The dye was bleeding onto my fingers and it was practically crumbling away in my hand. So I swallowed it. 20 minutes go by, nothing. 30 minutes go by, nothing. Then 45 minutes go by and BOOM, the come up. It was extremely overwhelming.
The euphoria and body high was very intense. All of the sudden I had to sit up and run to the bathroom to vomit. I ended up throwing up four times, filling the sink full of blue and green liquid. Soon the panic and depersonalization set in. I got up, ran out front of my house and paced back in forth in the yard for what seemed like an eternity. I felt like I had died and began to watch myself go insane from a third person perspective. I remember crying and begging my girlfriend to take me to the hospital. I felt like my brain had fried.
The whole experience lasted around 24-32 hours, until I finally fell asleep from exhaustion. During this time, I was completely floored. I layed in bed, praying from this feeling to go away. I felt dead inside, a mixture of completely numb and panic beyond sanity. I remember friends telling me days after this event, that my pupils still looks like saucers.
I now suspect that, what was sold as MDMA was instead Piperazine or another dirty chemical. But unfortunately, it's a question I'll forever have to live with. Damned Russian roulette.
The following year I was plagued everyday with crying spells and panic attacks, depersonalization, complete loss of motivation and creativity, everything I was doing previously in life was now on the back burner. It felt like a permanent comedown.
So here I am today, still alive and pushing forward. I still suffer from diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder and mild depersonalization. I tried SSRI'S, Benzos, therapy, vitamins, diet changes, nootropics, and excersise. I'd say I have recovered around 50 percent thus far, but I don't believe I will every truly be the same as I was before, and that's something I've had to come to terms with and accept.
I've been sober from drugs (including marijuana) since that night.
Anyways, this was a short summary for any newcomers to the forums who may have missed my story before and might be experiencing some of what I have had to go through.
Thank you so much for being an outlet for me to share my story and being so supportive. I have met more than a handful of wonderful people here that have offered so much advice and a wealth of knowledge and research, which I otherwise would have missed out on.
Feel free to message me or reply with anything that might be on your mind, this thread can be a place for discussion for people struggling from post MDMA abuse.
Don't you ever give up and let your mind trick you into thinking recovery isn't possible. You got this shit.
Stay strong my friends, sincerely, thizzin.
Rest in Peace Somedud.
It's thizzin. I am back to share my story about MDMA abuse and what I have unfortunately had to suffer with for just about the last two and a half years of my life and also to update anyone who remembers my frantic posts all over BL during my darkest times.
Back in November of 2010 I was introduced to ecstasy in the form of "poke balls" or pressed pills. Mind you, I had turned 18 just a week before my first roll, so I was young and naive. I ended up taking ecstasy, both in powder and pressed form for the next 3 months, consuming anywhere from 12 pills, approximately 4 a night, each weekend, usually rolling from Friday to Sunday, then taking the next few days off to recover and continuing the same pattern.
Unfortunately for me, I didn't ever test my product. For me, every roll was as good as the last. I never ever had a problem or "bad trip". I always felt on top of the world, extremely confident, finding myself crying tears of joy during most of my experiences. I always picked up from the same supplier, so I felt "safe" and never gave a second thought before I would decide to roll. But this last time, was a very different story.
I took a Blue Rolex, it was the only one in the batch that I purchased, and right away I noticed it was unlike anything else I had ever taken. The dye was bleeding onto my fingers and it was practically crumbling away in my hand. So I swallowed it. 20 minutes go by, nothing. 30 minutes go by, nothing. Then 45 minutes go by and BOOM, the come up. It was extremely overwhelming.
The euphoria and body high was very intense. All of the sudden I had to sit up and run to the bathroom to vomit. I ended up throwing up four times, filling the sink full of blue and green liquid. Soon the panic and depersonalization set in. I got up, ran out front of my house and paced back in forth in the yard for what seemed like an eternity. I felt like I had died and began to watch myself go insane from a third person perspective. I remember crying and begging my girlfriend to take me to the hospital. I felt like my brain had fried.
The whole experience lasted around 24-32 hours, until I finally fell asleep from exhaustion. During this time, I was completely floored. I layed in bed, praying from this feeling to go away. I felt dead inside, a mixture of completely numb and panic beyond sanity. I remember friends telling me days after this event, that my pupils still looks like saucers.
I now suspect that, what was sold as MDMA was instead Piperazine or another dirty chemical. But unfortunately, it's a question I'll forever have to live with. Damned Russian roulette.
The following year I was plagued everyday with crying spells and panic attacks, depersonalization, complete loss of motivation and creativity, everything I was doing previously in life was now on the back burner. It felt like a permanent comedown.
So here I am today, still alive and pushing forward. I still suffer from diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder and mild depersonalization. I tried SSRI'S, Benzos, therapy, vitamins, diet changes, nootropics, and excersise. I'd say I have recovered around 50 percent thus far, but I don't believe I will every truly be the same as I was before, and that's something I've had to come to terms with and accept.
I've been sober from drugs (including marijuana) since that night.
Anyways, this was a short summary for any newcomers to the forums who may have missed my story before and might be experiencing some of what I have had to go through.
Thank you so much for being an outlet for me to share my story and being so supportive. I have met more than a handful of wonderful people here that have offered so much advice and a wealth of knowledge and research, which I otherwise would have missed out on.
Feel free to message me or reply with anything that might be on your mind, this thread can be a place for discussion for people struggling from post MDMA abuse.
Don't you ever give up and let your mind trick you into thinking recovery isn't possible. You got this shit.
Stay strong my friends, sincerely, thizzin.
Rest in Peace Somedud.
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