I think there are some really good lines, but overall needs a bit of work.
Freight trains usually carry cargo, not passengers. Not sure if this is intentional and the passengers you mention are other stowaways...
The bit at the end where it says "is
he there" is confusing. You've already established that he (the other he) doesn't know where he's going, so why would he expect someone to "still be there" and remember him. It kind of seems tacked on at the end, and out of place with the rest of the piece. Is this guy travelling blind or does he know where he is going? Is he looking for someone? If so, the first two stanzas don't mention anything about it. From the reader's perspective there is no indication as to who this second "he" is. Also, it is a little jarring to have two different nameless characters referred to as "he" line after line. If you're going to allude to this other person that the stowaway is looking for, you should probably determine some way to differentiate between the two. "Will he still remember me/ His soul swelled," doesn't read as two different people despite punctuation.
The imagery in the second stanza is much stronger than the first and third, but the voice changes dramatically. I think there are a lot of unnecessary words... It reads better if you cut out the weaker parts and leave the rest. "a dangerous part of the city" is no match for "a rundown haven of snakelike thieves", the latter being a solid piece of imagery and the former being a little lazy. The danger is implied by the following lines... and "part of the city" doesn't add anything. The lines are entirely synonymous.
"The brakes (slowed) the massive metal wheels." There are thousands of verbs you could use here, and slowed is implied already. (That is what brakes do.) It is also a bit of a "soft" word to use, image-wise, given the heightened context. That is, the word follows more dramatic/ action-oriented words such as "rumbled" and "shook". I would use a more dramatic verb. I put in "gripped" as an example, but I'm sure there are much better variants you could come up with.
I hacked the poem apart (see below), removing the implied and unnecessary words along with what I thought were weaker lines. "Hookers try to seduce you" and "Junkies beg for a buck" are obvious lines. They have no place beside "plastic maracas lined with small coin." If you want to talk about hookers and junkies, do it in the unique poetic language that you've established throughout the rest of the poem. There are a thousand and one ways to describe a hooker. I want to see them from the characters perspective rather than my own, if that makes sense. Hooker is generic.
Apologies for re-writing, but I thought it might help to illustrate my point.
smoke billowed from the freight train
filling the torn sky
while the passengers slept he sat
wide awake, imagining the next stop
a run down haven for snakelike thieves
a jungle of broken homeless
shaking plastic maracas
lined with small coin
keeping pace with
the killing rhythm
the train rumbled as the brakes
gripped their massive metal wheels
heavy eyes looked up through liquid windows:
he was alone once again
The second stanza (minus the weaker lines) is very strong now. Compare it to the original. The first and third stanza are still a little lacking in comparison. Smoke billowing is a cliche for example. Again, I want to see the smoke through your eyes. It billows for everyone. That's just what smoke does. I like "the torn sky" and "heavy eyes looked up through liquid windows," though.
This is an extraordinarily long response. Sorry. Though, I wouldn't have bothered if I didn't see potential in this piece. The poem is not yet fully realized and it deserves a bit more attention.
