Unsatisfied with my sex life -HELP

[Kittenmama3]

Hi, I'm a 21 year old woman in a year-long monogamous relationship with my 21 year old boyfriend. We live together and since the beginning of our relationship have been inseparable. We really used to connect. Originally we started out as fwb, but decided that we wanted to make a relationship out of our arrangement.
We used to have AMAZING sex. He could go for an hour + with and without a condom. I have a hard time orgasming from PIV, but we would have sex for so long that I would be genuinely satisfied without having an orgasm. For months we had sex every day, sometimes more than once a day, and we were both happy.
I noticed that the sex started slowing down about 5 months in. I was working an 8-5 job, and he was working nights until ~ 1 am. Even though I needed to be up before the sun to get ready for work, I always made time for us to have sex at night when he got home. Slowly but surely, his "I'm tired" excuse was used more and more often. I understand being tired after a long day at work, but I worked all day as well, and I wasn't complaining. I felt like being tired was a bad excuse, since he wasn't the one who needed to be up in the mornings for work.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be ungrateful. Every other aspect of our relationship is great, and I couldn't have found a better guy. We click so well together, except for our sex life.
I've tried just about everything to spice things up. There's nothing in not willing to do, or haven't tried with him. Recently it's gotten really bad and is wearing on me quite a bit. There's really nothing like being perpetually sexually frustrated when you have a boyfriend within reach of you.
My biggest issues are that he seems to have time for everything else, (playing PS4 aggressively for hours, working on his car, watching YouTube videos that interest him, going out to do things), but as soon as I bring up sex, he's instantly too tired. There have been multiple (15+) occasions where he will spend an hour and a half yelling at his TV screen while playing video games, and the moment he turns the console off, and I bring up sex, he gives me the tired excuse. There's no way he could flip the switch so instantly.
By now you're probably thinking I'm either hideously ugly, or have something wrong with myself as a person. Neither of those is the problem. I'm very pretty, (not meaning to sound conceited, just trying to give an accurate explanation of the problem I have), and have men come up to me in public all the time offering me their numbers, etc. I try to keep my boyfriend happy in all other aspects of our lives. I make delicious home cooked meals, at least 5 times a week, I leave him alone to have time to play his games, watch tv, etc. I try to genuinely be interested in the things he likes, and we go out very often even though I'd prefer to relax at home.
I feel like half of the time that we have sex, I'm forcing or pressuring him into it. He rarely initiates, and when I try, he shuts me down. Only when I finally give up and roll over to go to sleep will he sometimes give in. I've tried telling him how I feel, but I feel like everything I say goes in one ear and out the other. I can't even count how many times I've tried talking about this problem with him. He doesn't take me seriously, and when he does listen, he turns it around and tells me I'm so selfish for asking so much of him.
I know he's not cheating on me, so I'm not concerned he's getting satisfied anywhere else.
Along with the serious decrease in the amount of times we have sex per month, is an even more serious decrease in the amount of time we have sex for. While he used to be able to go for an hour or more, now it's a miracle if I can get 4 good minutes out of him. I feel like somebody traded bodies with him because it's such a complete 180°. Occasionally he'll be interested in sex, and will initiate it (but it's very rarely.) and occasionally he'll be able to go longer than 5 or 10 minutes. I've told him how I'm unhappy with our sex life and miss how amazing things used to be. He tells me that I'm too tight and that it feels so good to him, he can't last any longer than the few minutes that he does. I'm not sure how this is true if we've been having sex for a year, and the first 4 months he could last a lot longer.
I've gone to bed crying silently next to him more times than I can count because I'm so frustrated with the situation. Even after we have sex, I'll go to the bathroom to clean up and just feel horrible about myself. I can't think of anything I could have done to change things so drastically, and he just doesn't seem concerned about this. He's started asking me constantly if I'm satisfied after sex, and I lie and say yes. I had told him once before that I had bluffed a few of my orgasms, that I was sorry and just wanted him to feel good about himself. I don't know if he's now paranoid that he can't do it for me, and maybe that's part of the issue, but this has been going on a few months before I even brought it up that I had faked a few. Now instead of taking the time to actually give me an orgasm, he just whines and acts sorry for himself saying over and over that he can't satisfy me. I have half a mind to tell him he's right!
To be fair, he will go down on me until I orgasm about 75% of the time that we actually do have sex.
I'm really unsatisfied with my sex life, and don't feel like I should be encountering this problem at 21 years old. I love my boyfriend and would never cheat on him to find satisfaction elsewhere, but the thought of being unsatisfied for the rest of my life scares me.

 

[oxy gen]

Ok- the issue is 100% clear. First of all- does he have any substance abuse problems? Not especially relevant to what I'm about to say- but could be the reason he's having trouble lasting.


for whatever reason, he is having issues with premature ejaculation. It is a severe source of anxiety for him. It's to the point where he doesn't want to have sex, because he is worried that he'll blow his load quickly, and won't satisfy you.
this is a vicious cycle, because the anxiety alone fosters insecure feelings about his adequacy, and as a result, he's focusing far too much on it, and ejaculating prematurely.


how do you fix this? You need to build up his self esteem in the bedroom. How can you do that? I think that's on you. You know how, I'm sure.

 

[oxy gen]

Horrible mistake telling him that you faked orgasms. He is now doubting not only his ability to satisfy you, but also your genuineness. Time can fix this. He needs to get this out of his head. Hopefully he can.

 

[Clitnhawk]

I'll give you advice, and you may not like it. Since I've been an adult - I've had sex with over 140 women at ages 19~45. A few serious relationships here and there. I have many club / school friends at ages 21~40.

At 21, he should be horny 24/7. I know guys in their 50s that fuck almost every day. He doesn't seem to want to resolve the problem, ask himself the question, etc. Maybe he's bored with having sex with you? I've personally been bored with a woman in a few dates to a few months (not to be shallow - just honesty AND it goes both ways).
Also, he could simply have a low sex drive (If OXY GEN's question about substance abuse isn't at play). I've meet a few people in their 20s who have little to ZERO sex drive (not even masturbation).

So, if he's not going to have sex with you much, if at all - why stick around? At 21, your life is still just starting. And I've told many young women (and men) to date and have sex with many people (Safe sex if at all possible, and be safe on dates too). Why?
Because you do have the right to find someone meaningful in your life. I've been married for over 3 years - just as in love today as the first time I told her such words. We don't have sex everyday. But we'll cuddle naked and massage each other if we're too tired to do the real thing.
Only time my sex drive went down was soon after new baby comes home. Too many things to do - in DADDY mode, causes testosterone levels to go down.

By dating a lot of women, I KNEW when I finally found *the one*. We're happy in and out of the bedroom. I'm 45yrs old - I / we don't have those issues as you posted. We talk about our problems. (even when I couldn't get an erection) We'll have fun with each other. 5 minutes or 50 minutes. And yeah, when time allows - we can still go at it for an hour or so.

A healthy sex life is party of a healthy relationship. I do go from video game to fucking... did that last night

 

[tomdpimp]

Have suggested taking a vacation? Maybe getting out of the house might help. Have you rolled together and or tripped? Sounds like he has some isolation issues. My wife gets like that too. She gets in a funk and just has low sex drives. Both of you need to do aomething very different together.

 

[Kittenmama3]

You all have good points, and thanks for taking the time to give me your opinions on this!

There's no substance abuse on his part, so we can rule that out.

I think a vacation and a change of scene will be my next move to see if things get better. We recently moved cross country together and for a while there was a lot of fighting going on.

I had a melt down and we talked about this issue last night. Well, I actually did all the talking. I think he was caught off guard and didn't know how to react. He talked with me for about 5 minutes today and told me he was sorry and that he didn't want me to feel this way anymore.

 

[tomdpimp]

Molly is a great relationship drug.

 

[oxy gen]

You had a meltdown?!? Jesus kitten- it is clear that his issue is related to feelings of inadequacy. You probably made him feel EVEN worse.

he sounds like the sensitive type. You need to build his self esteem back up, not tear it down.

 

[Clitnhawk]

Sensitive people can talk... If he's not willing to talk, share his issues or get professional help... or make an effort to save, recover, repair the relationship... then why bother? I'm the sensitive type... Rarely is there something I'm not willing to talk about - but it shouldn't take much when you are intimate with another person. Without help or desire from his position, she could spend months or years building up his esteem.


There is also a chance he's gay. If you're an attractive young lady, and guys are asking you out - then there really shouldn't be problems. But I've heard stories like this from time to time. Gay... and you might as well ask him that too. Ask him that while naked. The nudity isn't about sex, its about showing your position (I'm here, I'm not a threat, I have nothing to hide). " told me he was sorry and that he didn't want me to feel this way anymore." = okay, then **WHY** is there no sexual desire? Maybe he has fantasies of cartoon characters (Teen Titan GO!)??

You may have to push a bit "I'll have sex with other men"... will he care?

(I'm not a pro. But seen both sides of shyness.)

 

[crzydiamond]

I think maybe you should try actually stepping back for a few weeks and not initiating, not putting pressure on him to have sex.

I was in a relationship and went through a time when I felt constantly asked/pressured to have sex when I wasn't in the mood until it got to the point where sex became like a chore. It used to be fun, and we had sex almost daily, and like you describe it lasted long

And I'm not sure how I got to the point I wanted to be left alone but I believe it started at times when I really was just tired and wanted to sleep and my partner would just keep trying even after I said I wasn't in the mood. Sometimes I'd give in, and I started feeling resentful, and then I started dreading the whole thing. And I stopped initiating. It wasn't until he stepped back finally instead of pushing more and more that things got better. Once I didn't feel constantly on guard I could actually enjoy it again.

I know exactly how he feels too, I would be ok to sit n read or watch tv but when he'd want to have sex I would tell him I was tired. Not so much sleepy, but it had gotten to the point every time we had sex it would go on for at least an hour. And I would want to go to sleep not so late. I think sometimes if i knew it wasn't going to last forever I wouldn't mind as much. Like when tired please just let's do this quick. But then he'd get all offended.

I dont know. I just know that the more I felt pressured to constantly have sex the more I started dreading it and doing anything to avoid it. Once he stopped that and just would do something like giving me a back rub regardless of whether or not it led to sex then I actually found myself getting turned on. The mind is a strange thing. I know I put up walls when I felt pressured and it sound like your bf does the same exact thing. Especially cause you say he says he's tired when you "bring up sex". Maybe you shouldn't bring it up. Let it happen if it's going to. Be spontaneous. Don't bring up sex as you put it when he gets done playing a game. You say then he says he's tired. Sounds to me exactly like he is putting up a wall. I dont know what his reason is, but it sounds like you've really been putting the pressure on your bf to perform, to have sex. Maybe you have a high sex drive. If he isn't on any new meds then I'd say maybe he's just getting pressured and it's a BIG turnoff to him.

Best advice? Step back and stop initiating. At least for a few weeks. Give him some room. Most likely, unless he is gay or has drug issues (or medication side effects--has he started any new meds?) then he will get horny and initiate. But honestly, stop making it like a chore for him. Do stuff like kissing or touching or cuddling without having to finish. Kinda like when you're really young. Make the desire come back on his end

 

[Chicken_Nipples]

Wow. Pretty much, I'm the guy described in the first post right down to the work hours!... Described my relationship minus a few things.

We're a bit older (late 20's), just had a baby, and my other half is the one without a drive (sex and everything was perfect up till 6months preg). I'm the one going crazy about it. I guess my drive has taken a hit because of the regular rejection.

A few fucked up feelings/comparison coming from my last relationship which led to me leaving are not helping, even though I know the comparison is night and day. Just some of the negativity of situations is too familiar.

We've both let our health go a fair bit (used to gym hard daily) so my stamina is lacking, plus the rare occasion we do have sex means I do come quickly sometimes. It's embarrassing but not a hindrance since foreplay is always ace, I think. Self confidence is lacking since I've stopped gym.

We both don't initiate much, I know I don't because I'm over the shit feels associated with being turned down regularly. I used to have a poly relationship, and back then drought didn't fuss me because I could go elsewhere. Not a chance with my partner though, which I'd be happy with if things were the same as before.

Constant rejection sucks, then topped with lack of opportunity because of our child. With no end in sight and I feel like shit about it. I've got friend who boast about their sex lives (married, single and everything between) and I get boarderline depressed about it.

I work on my car flat out or play ps4 for hours at a time because it takes my mind off it all. I take so few day off work now too unless I need to.

We've talked about it, but it went a bit better than what you described I think. It just hasn't changed anything. But overall, I couldn't imagine life with anyone else.

Feel like I could go on endlessly about it but i think I'm babbling enough now... Thanks for giving some insight to what might be her perspective. I'm gonna try harder now.

 

[Kittenmama3]

Thanks crzydiamond for giving me a chance to see the other side of my situation. I've been trying to take your advice and back off completely.

Right after I posted this, he put an effort in for the first two nights to act like he was interested and wanted to have sex. I wasn't going to turn him down, especially after I had been waiting for so long for him to show any interest and to initiate anything. The first two nights were good. It felt really forced, like he wanted to show me that he was trying to make an effort, but he really didn't want to be. I brushed it off, thinking that I'd just let things play out, and that hopefully that would be the turning point.

NOPE. After those first two days, nothing. It was like everything went back to the way it was. I didn't say anything still, because I wanted to back off in case that was what the issue was. He would fool around with me throughout the day- kissing me, grabbing, asking me to send him dirty pictures, and touching me. But then at the end of the night, it was like he just decided that it wasn't worth the effort. It's really confusing to have someone lead you on and tease you all day long, and then act like they're chaste at night.

Right now it's been 5 days since we've done anything. We sleep next to each other, and he seems like he's perfectly content. Tonight I was in a really irritable mood, and he kept asking me what was wrong. Honestly it was such a build up of so many things, that I couldn't explain what one specific thing was bugging me. He asked me if I was mad because we hadn't done anything in a few days. The tone in his voice when he asked me that was so annoyed, like if that was the reason he was going to be ticked off about it. I just said no, that I was just on a bad mood and wanted to go to sleep. He then told me to take off my pants. (Again with the annoyed tone.) he said that since I was upset that he would give me head.

Maybe I was stupid to pass it up, but it just felt like he was only offering because he wanted me to shut up and not have a reason to be irritated. Even the way he was asking me what was wrong was hurtful. He was saying things like "are you upset because YOU haven't gotten anything from me in a couple days", and "Just take off your pants then." He didn't try kissing me or try to set the mood whatsoever. It felt again like I was forcing him into something he didn't want to do. He wasn't saying that he wanted to have sex, that he missed it, or that it had been a long time for him; he was saying that I was the one who wanted it and was missing out. (I hope that came out somewhat clearly. It's hard to explain exactly what I'm trying to say.)

Basically it made me feel like shit again. I haven't initiated anything because I've been trying to give him space. He hasn't initiated anything at night, but during the day he's playful and a tease, as long as it doesn't actually lead to anything.

Sorry Chicken Nipples that you're in the same boat as me. Sexual frustration is the worst!

 

[Chicken_Nipples]

Yeah. It's hard to deal with. "Sorting yourself out" just isn't the same as actual affection or contact with another person.

Been blown out all day about how similar our positions are! Like 2 sides of the same story in a way. Really changed my attitude to the matter, that's for sure.

One idea. Try checking up the browser history on the computer? See if he's into porn lately or maybe what he's up to at all. might find something to try if he's been browsing a fetish etc? Or even just watching porn together?
If he's half switched on he'd be using 'private mode' or porn mode like I do (not history, cookies etc ect).
Edit: checking history to figure out if you can find out what's making him tick. Find out what he likes and try with that.

 

[Kittenmama3]

It is pretty crazy how we have such similar situations.

I feel like I'm snooping when I look through his stuff, but I haven't found anything out of the ordinary.

I got blown off again tonight. It's so frustrating. I'm laying here in my underwear, and he turns to me, and says, "tomorrow you'll get something." I'd believe it, except I hear something along those lines every day and it very rarely happens. He was playing on his PS4 energetically for a few hours before bed, and once he turned it off, he suddenly started saying how exhausted he was. Excuses, excuses.

I miss sex.

 

[tomdpimp]

Yeah I would never turn down sex, he is either not able to get hard or he completely somewhere else in his head.

What game is he playing? Video game addiction is a big problem for a lot of younger guys.

Ps post a picture of you two from several months ago and recently maybe we can spot something you haven't noticed?

 

[Colonel Contin]

your story strikes a chord with me. I had 5 semi-long-term partners in my 20s and while my sexual chemistry with any one of them was unique, there was always a decline in interest on one side or the other within the first year. In some cases, this was mutual and didn't pose a problem. The chemistry was still there, but the newness had begun to wear off... a slight decline in the frequency of sex isn't uncommon or unhealthy as a relationship progresses.

In most of those relationships, however, one person or the other would recede sexually while the other fumbled desperately for answers. Even if every other aspect of the relationship seemed to be chugging along smoothly, the distance in the bedroom seemed to forebode some inner, unspoken turmoil. I can't speak on behalf of the women that pushed me away sexually during a relationship, but I know that when I was doing the pushing it was because I was preoccupied with other concerns or with a discontentment I couldn't pick apart. When I was having these feelings, just looking at my partner pulled that pain to the surface, so the thought of sex was especially troubling. In almost every case I either had no real idea what was at the root of my anxiety or was in such deep denial of the problem that I just couldn't address it. I remember feeling guilty or dishonest when I'd give in sexually, and I know it was obvious in my performance, because my partner often seemed to walk away from the experience feeling less satisfied than if I'd not tried at all.

What I'm saying is that if this doesn't seem like your average case of 'the newness' losing its sheen, there is probably something deeper going on. I know it hurts to consider this, but the behavior you've described, in my experience anyhow, is generally a symptom of anxiety about the future of the relationship. I know that when I cease to be excited about the prospect of spending my life with somebody I begin to feel this nagging sense of guilt and, consequently, a strange anxiety sets in. The first place this seems to manifest is in bedroom behavior, and slowly it creeps over the whole relationship. I've noticed the same behavior in the women I've dated when they started to have doubts. It is painful to feel like you are going to disappoint somebody you love, and every time you fall short of their expectations, sexually or otherwise, that pain is redoubled.

Your boyfriend may just be going through something personal, but if you eliminate that as a possibility, you need to evaluate your relationship. If he's having doubts or is feeling burdened by the commitment, your sexual relationship would obviously be the first thing to suffer. It's easy to have care-free sex with somebody you don't feel indebted to, but after you form that empathetic bond called 'love', the sex seems to become an extension of that, and any disturbance in one will bleed over into the other.

You're both young, and at 21 it's difficult to concede to life-long monogamy (even if the thought that you probably aren't going to be each others' last sexual partners is buried somewhere in your subconscious). This can really eat at a person, and sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is take a step back. If you're perfect for each other, you'll wind up together in the end. It is just as often the case that the relationship is compromising the sex as it is that the sex is compromising the relationship... just food for thought

 

[Chicken_Nipples]

Ps4 can be pretty full on mentally, but I wouldn't think he'd be 'exhausted'. I can't sleep for a good hour after playing because of how alert and active my mind is (first person shooters need heaps of attention). It's not a physical drain at all, or very minor thumb/hand cramps... That even after good 6hour sessions finishing early morning (up for work at ~6am too. I try to only play when fiancé isn't around or heading to bed). I'd say I play at a pretty competitive level, more full on than anyone I know...
I'm calling that out myself as an excuse.

I get the snooping thing. I don't hide my activities for a reason other than not to offend. Not because I'm guilty of it. Fiancé just doesn't need to have it popping up all the time if she happens to be googlin something.
I know she's found my stuff before. Ended up fucking awesome! Out with the oil, an hour of massage, slow working and it was like being in complete control of her orgasms. She even paid rather specific attention to my blowjob searches and damn... Perfect!
Just a suggestion to try and see if you can offer something of interest that's you might not do that kicks him back into gear. The problem might be elsewhere too though.

Diet can have a huge effect. While at gym, blasting away hard at it I lost all sex drive. Did my head in. Simple fix after talking to the other body builder guys was to take 1g of vit C and 2 magnesium tablets twice a day. Maybe 5 days later it was back!
Bonus tip: not only does the combo increase testosterone levels, magnesium can increase the size of your ejaculations...


I don't think a picture is gonna help figure out the problem either... Who knows though...

 

[Clitnhawk]

@Kittenmama3 : In relationships - there are ups and downs in sex... for all the reasons mentioned above. You're both young. (Sorry about post above - but sexual orientation doesn't matter. Same problems can be for either sex). It shouldn't be a chore to "oh well, I'll XYZ". He's either not interested in sex anymore, or something else is going on. He (or both of you) need to see a therapist to help sort out the problem. A 21yr old guy who doesn't want sex every other day- if not everyday, is not normal. A typical male is thinking about sex several times an hour. If he doesn't want to get help or be honest as to WHY he is doing the things he's doing... then I say, move on. In a loving relationship - as a team, you are supposed to work out problems, share your feelings, talk. Not hurt the other person. If he thinks so little of romance/intimacy... how is that respectful to you.

My sex drive was down a few year ago, took a while to figure the issue and sort it out a bit. Age and new-baby + anxiety = softy. My wife wasn't doing anything wrong - and it simply took a while for me to get back up a bit. Going to the gym, working out - etc helps.

@Chicken Nipples: Who had the baby? (I guess not you) Some gyms can handle babies for (2 hour max), or you take turns on who goes to gym while the other watches the baby. Get a jogger stroller. Both of us had hormonal changes during the last part of pregnancy and several months after. My wife was thinking it was HER, which made it difficult to get an erection... and my worry about HER thinking it was HER, did not help either. Having a baby doesn't mean you can't be poly/open. There are lots of poly/swinging parents out there... you or both of you can have fun. Or have the baby spend the night at grandparents, etc...

Also, you both NEED to have date nights, at least twice a month. Baby spends the night at a relatives home. Time for just the two of you... is REQUIRED.

Thinking about diapers = not sexy time.

 

[deano88]

Reading all this is putting me right off having kids!

 

[Chicken_Nipples]

Shit, good response clitnhawk.

Don't want to derail from original poster. We have a few issues on top of described. Nothing that can't be sorted easily, I just feel like I've realised I stopped trying at all and just need to make more effort, even with the turn down...