Unnerved

[wastedwalrus]

The poetry is freely flowing from me as a fountain's heavy pour.

But I redundantly ask and try to conjour:

Where am I?
This warm variation of earth that which I can sweetly recall.
Sinful pleasures derive from our spectacular falls.

Who am I?
Tightly-knit fibers concealing my truths?
The fibers will unravel as I rise from my youth.

I feel the world as it revolves 'neath the feet,
as she circulates, and propels
'round her lover's heat.

Bitter, antagonist! Hear the tears like rain from the sky!
May they fall with impact, may they shriek with each cry!

Feel shame and remorse and the miseries you deserve!
Burn your vice and light yourself, be damned and I...

unnerved!



My explination for this nonsense- Xanax.

 

[(Wordy)]

I admire the slices of wisdom in this. The language is somewhat 'classical', but consistently so.

Some terrific lines:

Sinful pleasures derive from our spectacular falls.

Who am I?
Tightly-knit fibers concealing my truths?
The fibers will unravel as I rise from my youth.

Feel shame and remorse and the miseries you deserve!
Burn your vice and light yourself, be damned and I...

unnerved!

 

[wastedwalrus]

Thanks for your feedback Wordy. I went ahead and revised some parts I wasn't pleased with so here's a final copy.


The poetry is freely flowing from me as a fountain's heavy pour.

But I calmly speak and ask myself, while trying to conjour:

Where am I?
This warm variation of earth which I can sweetly recall.
Sinful pleasures derived from one spectacular fall.

Who am I?
Tightly-knit fibers concealing my truths?
The fibers will unravel as I rise from youth.

I feel the world as it revolves 'neath the feet,
as she circulates, and propels
‘round her lover's heat.

Bitter, antagonist! Hear the tears like rain from the sky!
May they fall with impact, may they shriek and cry!

Feel shame and remorse and miseries well-deserved!
Burn your vice and torch your soul, you be damned and I...

unnerved.

 

[(Wordy)]

Minor changes, but definitely an improvement (imo).

 

[wesmdow]

i dig it jason~

as wordy said, your wording is a bit cliche, but the subject is moving.

the rough draft is definitely an improvement.

i write poetry on xanax too, interestingly-- i think its funny you decided to add that because its one of my 'triggers'--when i get barred out i love to write.

 

[RareForm]

i like this also, more notably the bit Wordy quoted.