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Undercover Junkie?

S

Secretshooter

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 30, 2016
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I guess I just want to share my experience. I think I am unique in a few ways and I wonder how many others are out there like me...

So swim was that girl who would yell at others for smoking and would invite you to bible club when she was in highschool, but secretly would buy weed from a homeless man and smoke by herself to relieve stress. Swim would hang out with friends and occasionally use pot with them but it's always been more of a private thing.

Swim joined the military and went to and finished college. While in the military swim had an unfortunate accident overseas and when swim returned to America was given painkillers in her IV in the hospital. And that's when swim got a taste for dilaudid.

Swim received a prescription of dilaudid but when swim took the 4 mg pills she felt nothing. Not even pain relief. So swim did a lot of blue light reading and googling before she decided to buy syringes and medical grade filters along with alcohol pads and saline. She wanted to reproduce the high AND pain relief she had in the hospital.

Swim had a fear of injecting but she knew from her reading that she had all the right equipment to make it as sterile and safe as possible at home without a nurse or liquid form of the medication. So swim took the dilaudid pills crushed them into the saline and then drew the solution through 5 filters the first time ?

On the first try swim hit the vein! Swim had spent so much time in the hospital watching nurses give her an IV and it was basically the same thing. And then Swim felt it... The bang... The chills.. The warmth all over your body pulsing and slowly fading away with every heart beat... Sweet pain relief and warm fuzzy happy feeling for the day.

Swim only used when Swim would take a pill so twice a day for about 45-60 days. And then Swim stopped. The pain was gone and Swim didn't need the pills anymore. And swim didn't do it again for a year.

That was 5 years ago and swim will use every three or four months for as long as 5-10 pills worth doing it once or twice a day. So 2-5 days at a time a couple times a year.

Swim is retired from the military. She never tells anyone she injects drugs- even hiding it from swims long term 3 years boyfriend. She has a good job- that doesn't drug test. Has her own apartment and two dogs. She has friends and doesn't overspend or have withdrawal. She never leaves any track marks ( by always using a brand new needle and getting a new one even if it's just one miss) and has never experienced any bad side effects from IV injecting although she knows she is still at risk. Technically swim only uses about 2-3 weeks out of the year. She also doesn't smoke cig or drink alcohol. Swim uses medical marijuana for PTSD and to induce a healthy appetite. I guess I wonder if there are any others out there like swim? Who don't struggle with addiction in the normal ways? Would you consider swim an addict or junkie because of the consistency of use? Or does one use indicate a junkie. I haven't ever met someone that uses syringes that doesn't look like they USE them if that makes sense. Swim wears a business suit to work and I feel like if you met and talked to her there's no way to tell that she uses. Anyone else?
 
Please edit your post because we don't use swim at Bluelight or any of it's variants. Just speak in the first person like everybody else, thanks.

(Homeless ------ > Drug Culture)
 
We all know that this is about you, this is not drugs-forum and using SWIM does nothing to protect you legally.

You're not unique. Every single addict has been in your position where they believe that they're unique or hiding their drug use from friends, co-workers, or loved ones only to have it eventually blow up in their face. You may believe that you're fooling everyone that you're addicted to opiates but you're just kidding yourself. Quit all drugs now including the cannabis while you're ahead even if that means you have to go to a rehab/detox place as your addiction to opiates is only going to get a lot worse. Stay safe.

FYI, I'm not judging you. There are a lot of us here on this site who were where you are now at one point, with drugs where we temporarily hid our drug use-even hard drug use like opiates from everyone, and eventually you do hit rock bottom, your friends and loved ones find out about your drug use or say something about how they've known all along, and by the time you need help you're in so far deep that you don't want to get help or get sober.

If you continue on like this you'll eventually start to IV Dilaudid daily, and when you can't find that you'll use heroin, fent, or other opiates. I agree with the person that posted below that self medication of PTSD with drugs even opiates and cannabis is extremely dangerous. Get help now, and get your life back on track while you still can before it's too late.

I was this way with alcohol, cannabis, and even opiates-only the pharmaceutical type like oxy, hydrocodone, or codeine that I would take in low doses orally. I was a full time university student who would abuse large quantities of alcohol nightly, and yet I would receive top grades in classes, was able to take a large number of classes as a full time student, graduated with two degrees, I'm highly intelligent, and I still wound up becoming psychologically addicted to those drugs and an addict. I'm glad I never injected anything, or ever used heroin or Dilaudid. I got sober and you can too, if you want to.
 
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Of course if you only use 2-3 weeks out of the year, you're not going to leave track marks.

Also, using new needles every time does not prevent track marks. I never re-used needles but I'd still get track marks (although they go away after awhile)

And yeah, you're not special. There are MANY people who use hard drugs, even via IV, and manage to lead normal / semi-normal lives for extended periods of time.
 
i'd consider the main difference between a "junkie" and not to be someone who's entire existence is copping and doing hard drugs & nothing else (except finding some sustinance once in a while to survive). just my opinion though.
 
I'm sorry I shared. I don't think I'm special, just different. I asked a few questions just answer them or don't reply.
 
Specifically, you may not:
use Bluelight in any way, shape or form for unlawful purposes, including, without limitation:
attempting to solicit, obtain sell or supply contraband substances or substances of a quasi-legal status or information on how to do so;
posting or exchanging any information on ongoing or future criminal activity, any information which can be construed as discussing such activity or actively encouraging others to engage in criminal activities;
ask for advice regarding drug tests;
use ineffective self-incrimination avoidance terms. Terms include but are not limited to: SWIM; my dog; etc.
Click to expand...

Please edit your first post.

User Agreement
 
It's easy to live a perfectly normal life without much suspicion if all you do is opiates and have no practical limits on access to them (resulting in dopesickness, being late trying to cop, stealing, etc). ROA doesn't matter beyond hiding injection marks, and I shot up from the very beginning for much the same reason as OP-- it's a perfectly normal thing to do for people who spend large amounts of time in medical settings. I've shocked plenty of people by telling them I used after knowing them for years. And I've worked safety critical jobs where it's not a matter of 'they know and aren't saying anything'.. it's a matter like 'if you look even the slightest bit high you're getting thrown out and tested, because lives and 10s of millions in liability are literally on the line'... still no suspicion just shooting enough to be normal.
People like that are everywhere, but know the consequences of word getting out. A tolerant user on a normal dose is undetectable.
 
You're just in the beginning phase of becoming a junkie, trust me. I hid it from my ex wife (who is a psych nurse and works with drugs users every day) for 3 years. No one in my family knew that I was high half the time. I was confident I could keep on living like that forever. Over time I started losing control and slowly I got to the point where I had to use just to function. I went from being married with a combined income of over 100k a year with a house and 2 cars, plenty of friends....to being divorced, jobless, friendless completely alone and living in my parents basement at 31 years old. Thats what opiates did to me. To be honest I didn't read your whole post because of all the SWIM nonsense, but I can tell you that you're not special. Most people who lose everything to drugs started out thinking they could control it. I knew I would never become a junkie, I knew I could stop, I knew I would never try heroin.... I thought I knew everything. I'm sure 95% of the people on BlueLight will tell you the same thing. That kind of thinking is going to be your downfall someday.
 
You are in a dangerous and hard place and it would probably not be wrong to call you an addict. However, It is good that you are starting to think about that you might have a problem and it is good that you are sharing and talking about it. Your PTSD combined with addiction is called a double diagnosis where I am from. People who suffer from a severe psychological illness and addiction are complicated as it is debatable who has the main responsibility for your treatment - an addiction facility or a mental facility.

You are not alone. PTSD is very hard to live with and many with that diagnosis end up using drugs to cope.

I am a researcher with several scientific degrees and I am an addict and I have psychological problems. So I can relate to your situation. I am not the typical addict either, however, I am an addict and I am not special. Several others like me and you are addicts while maintaining a somewhat healthy appearance and keeping a good job. I encourage you to seek help from professionals. They have patient confidentiality and it might be easier for you to open up as you know they cannot share it with others without your consent. You can also benefit from speaking with other addicts here on Bluelight as you are doing now. I think it is good that you have taken the first step and opened up here.

I hope it is helpful for you to see other "addicts" similar to you. I use quotation marks around addict because you still haven't decided for yourself which word you want to use. Junkie, addict, drug user, drug abuser etc. There are several words to use. However, it seems you have realized that you have a problem, thus addict might not be the wrong word to use. It took a while for myself to get to terms with me being an addict.
 
I think this individual was referring more to my post, heh. It did sound a little grumpy on my part. But, in my defense, the OP did claim that they were possibly "unique" in the second sentence of the post, sooo...

There's nothing unique about successfully chipping, though. At least for a period of time (anywhere from days to years). It tends to develop into the user either quitting or getting "deeper" into their addiction, though. I definitely relate to what svacheme3 posted, though, regarding "medical settings" and IV use, etc. Personally I got into IV use because I always had lots of medical equipment around and I have 0 fear when it comes to using syringes.
 
She's using 2-3 weeks out of the 52 weeks in a year, using best practices. I would typify her as an an enthusiast. The suggestion that she get on methadone or bupe is absolutely absurd.

Of course one has to be mindful of their use and the danger and addiction potential of IV opioid use, but what is the percentage of people who try heroin that get addicted to it? Somewhere around 30% is the last figure I'm familiar with. So no, not everyone is going to become a hopeless addict.

I mean really, it sounds like she's a saint compared to many bluelighters. Seriously.
 
There is a difference between addiction and reckless addiction..I have credentials that no one would believe a poly drug addict would hold but I'm no different then a homeless heroin junkie in the sense we are addicts..when it becomes reckless that's when everyone finds out and no one trusts u..if u have a job and money it could take years for the reckless behavior to develop but all it takes is one bad event or a stressful day to fall off your rocker and your moral code folds onto itself and u will do anything for that rush
 
Cdkman said:
There is a difference between addiction and reckless addiction..I have credentials that no one would believe a poly drug addict would hold but I'm no different then a homeless heroin junkie in the sense we are addicts..when it becomes reckless that's when everyone finds out and no one trusts u..if u have a job and money it could take years for the reckless behavior to develop but all it takes is one bad event or a stressful day to fall off your rocker and your moral code folds onto itself and u will do anything for that rush
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That's how I became a reckless junkie.... just one bad day and the cat was out of the bag. I have also known someone who could seriously use opiates recreationally only when she had the extra money. Like maybe once every 2 weeks . She often bragged about how she could take it or leave it. Then one day she discovered crack and lost all control. She's now a full blown crack head, broke , with 2 kids. She will of course say she's under control, but she's obviously in denial now.
 
I wouldn't go as far as to say you are a junkie, or really even an addict. That is for YOU to admit and decide. There are, of course , the typical beginning behaviors and signs you are practicing which could lead you down that road.

It hasn't appeared you have made using drugs a LIFESTYLE yet, as someone mentioned above, where getting your next fix is a constant issue on a daily basis, and fighting to stay out of withdrawal. It doesn't seem you have suffered dire consequences of drug use either, though there are a lot of functioning and self-sufficient addicts out there who never wound up on the streets homeless since they blew all their rent money, fucked up family relationships cuz they milked and manipulated their folks out of as much money and their possessions as possible, and have never seen the inside walls of a jail cell.

These are all just possibilities of what can happen if you continue to use like this. That's awesome if you are one of the rarities that can control it, and it never ever becomes an issue.

It is best if you quit while you are ahead, OP, because a lot of that crap up there can, and likely become a reality. You may not even notice it until it's too late, it can sneak attack you. But for now, I definitely wouldn't label you a junkie or even an addict.

Good luck and tread carefully.
 
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