ughhh I think I'm gonna relapse again.

[d3athadone]

Im detoxing currently. I made it like 3-4 days then relapsed now I'm on day 3 or something. Im pretty scared tho because I think I'm gonna relapse when I get some money in a few days and this will be all for nothing, and fuck my life is going to be so fucked. Nothing will materialize for me and I'm just gonna be lost to obscurity. At the same time I just can't find it in me to think the right thoughts to make sure I don't relapse. This is so fucking fucked. Addiction is the most god damn confusing fucking thing. I know what to do, but cant do it? I need fucking real help. I know you guys want me to get on ORT but then I'm gonna be all fucking fat again and have to go through all that bullshit. Maybe I just gotta suck it up tho because when I had methadone like 2 weeks ago for a week my life was a lot more stable. I can't keep going like this. Its too much pain. I remember when I was 20 and got into this shit. I thought I had lived such a hard life, and I had. But fuck did I know the worst was left to come. Like what the fuck? Am I just on this earth to suffer? FUcking BS childhood crazy teenage years into junkie 20's?

Maybe I should just catch the clinic this morning. CLean some clothes and drag my ass down there. I know I'll still use even with methadone for a bit but, I'm confident I can get it under control like I did last time and just taper to nothing. Fuck it I cant take this shit anymore. Fuck what anyone thinks its my life and I can't take this pain anymore. Id rather be fucked on methadone than have to deal with this anymore.

Thanks for letting me rant

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Spend your $$ on food, maybe some non-drug entertainment? It helps to have hobbies and a meal lined up when you get $$.

 

[d3athadone]

A friend pulled through for me yesterday and actually got me something at like 5 in the morning so I am feeling much better today. I have some pretty good hobbies. I'm just too damaged right now to do them. I'm going to the clinic today. I can't take the pain anymore and after having actually thought long and hard about getting back on methadone, I feel confident its the right thing to do right now. I can't handle the paws right now in my current state. I can't handle anything anymore. I've been fighting for too long and I need a rest. I'm quite liking the fact that I will be able to focus on other things in my life and tackle this issue later on down the line when I have more strength to draw upon.


I have a question. What is so good about suboxone? Why would someone choose it over methadone? I have the option of either tomorrow at my appointment and I am considering suboxone. Why would I choose it over methadone? Thank you!!

 

[FLA]

Im detoxing currently. I made it like 3-4 days then relapsed now I'm on day 3 or something. Im pretty scared tho because I think I'm gonna relapse when I get some money in a few days and this will be all for nothing, and fuck my life is going to be so fucked. Nothing will materialize for me and I'm just gonna be lost to obscurity. At the same time I just can't find it in me to think the right thoughts to make sure I don't relapse. This is so fucking fucked. Addiction is the most god damn confusing fucking thing. I know what to do, but cant do it? I need fucking real help. I know you guys want me to get on ORT but then I'm gonna be all fucking fat again and have to go through all that bullshit. Maybe I just gotta suck it up tho because when I had methadone like 2 weeks ago for a week my life was a lot more stable. I can't keep going like this. Its too much pain. I remember when I was 20 and got into this shit. I thought I had lived such a hard life, and I had. But fuck did I know the worst was left to come. Like what the fuck? Am I just on this earth to suffer? FUcking BS childhood crazy teenage years into junkie 20's?

Maybe I should just catch the clinic this morning. CLean some clothes and drag my ass down there. I know I'll still use even with methadone for a bit but, I'm confident I can get it under control like I did last time and just taper to nothing. Fuck it I cant take this shit anymore. Fuck what anyone thinks its my life and I can't take this pain anymore. Id rather be fucked on methadone than have to deal with this anymore.

Thanks for letting me rant

I'm 5' 11'' though gravity may have changed that a bit. When I was on methadone a bloated up to 235 or higher. The sweating was horrendous though I'm a sweater totally straight. My wife showed me a picture of myself during that time around 2012 I couldn't hardly recognize myself. On bupe since 2013, I say for chronic pain complicated by addiction but maybe I'm lying to myself, I have gotten down to 190. So I'm still overweight but much less so. This has occurred since my falling out with my chronic pain doctor in March when I was hovering around 210. The doctor also had me on lexapro and lyrica and I believe, though I can't be sure, getting off those meds has had something to do with the weight loss (unless I have cancer or something)

Why not give bupe a chance? You already know tolerance will just keep growing with the full-agonists like heroin or whatever your DOC was and at some point the best you'll be able to do is feel normal or worse rather than the coveted nod. My DOC was oxymorphone. With bupe you get some craving relief and it will make it hard to get high, I think. I say I think because it seems like many people here on BL say they are able to shoot thru the bupe barrier. If you think you might be tempted to stop the bupe, wait a few days and use, I think there is an implant that would make that hard to do. If you do transition from methadone to bupe I recommend you wait at least 6 days. I had my last 120 mg dose of methadone on a Saturday morning and manipulated the tech to give me the bupe on the following Wednesday, went back to my room and proceeded to projectile vomit orange bile all over the floor and the nice comforter my wife brought me while in that psych ward. I know money might be an issue but wouldn't you rather get a script in an office setting rather than waking up early and "dragging your ass down to the clinic" everyday until you build up enough consistency to get take homes?

Just saw your latest post. There's nothing wrong with methadone per se. In my case I had to keep asking for dose increases due to tolerance. With bupe tolerance doesn't build I think because of it's unique pharmacodynamics. Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather be on methadone than bupe but I think that phase is over for me at least. Your body loses the ability to handle those full-agonists as you get older, I think. I know that's not an issue for you though. I would say either one is fine for your situation. I was in trouble at work for being impaired on methadone (120 mg) because it was obvious. With bupe, it wasn't an issue.

 

[d3athadone]

^ Luckily money isnt an issue in canada. I'm also scared about getting fat. I got fat on it last time. Im worried that the bupe might not give me that full ok I had an opiate I'm good feeling. I wasnt gonna bring my dose up. I was just gonna leave it at the starting dose which is 30. I'm thinking I might just get on methadone right now cuz its what I know, but then work my way down to 15mg and switch to suboxone. You didn't really give me any reeasons why you really like suboxone tho? Why is it that people prefer suboxone over methadone?

 

[simco]

Suboxone has two main benefits compared to methadone.

The big one is that you can take it home with you right from the get-go. There's none (or much less) of the hassle of dealing with clinic visits, and the program is likely to be much less structured than a methadone program (though in many ways, I think the structure of methadone programs are actually a good thing as we start getting into recovery).

The other benefit I can think of is that, when it comes time to end your ORT, suboxone is reported by most people to be easier to taper and eventually jump off of. Though again, a skilled doctor can make tapering off of methadone less awful than its reputation suggests.

There may be other benefits, but those are the ones I usually think of. But I should also say that the evidence is strong that in general methadone is more successful at controlling cravings. My experience with suboxone was that it simply wasn't "enough" to keep me away from heroin. But everyone is different.

 

[mtball1419]

Hey d3athadone, I am currently in the same mind frame. Don't get paid until Friday, and have already started thinking about picking up. Day 5 of w/d right now from a long term oxy habit. I went to inpatient treatment back in January and spent 97 days completely clean and sober. Started putting some of my life back together. But I guess I really didn't want to be clean. I don't know. Just started glorifying my use. Who knows. Rationalizing anything to convince ourselves to go out again. I'm sure many can attest to that.

Now I am scared to come clean to my wife who has taken me back. She had filed for divorce before I went to treatment. I know this would be the last straw. Don't think I would even have a place to go were I to come clean about the relapse but am struggling to think that I can handle it on my own. As they say, "our secrets keep us sick.

Just feel like crap going through the w/d right now and all I can think about is doing whatever I can do get enough $ to go pickup.

First time posting here, so I apologize if I am breaking any rules. Appreciate everyone on here. Thanks all.

MT

 

[Stargazer]

Hey D3, FLA (Im in Fla right now-family emergency)mtball-D3-

I can so relate to how you're feeling. I was clean 1.5 yrs then started chipping over a year ago. So its 10 days off- 4 days on 25 days off 3 on, etc etc etc. The only reason (not entirely, but for the most part) I don't use is lack of money.

Im from Philadelphia, but am in Florida presently due to my husband's father dying. So I'm not able to cop - when we have money in 2 days I'll still be here. I'm hoping this pause will help. I've been fighting to get clean. And, like you, cannot understand why the hell I cave every damn time. Its taking all of my money. I hate living this way but cant seem to get it together. Over a 20 second rush 8)
Im digusted, embarassed and humilated. Not to mention devestated and often in a state of disbelief.

I want to start subs or get the vivitrol shot. Clearly I cant control myself on my own. I was on methadone and it wasnt for me. It didnt stop cravings nor did it "hold" me 24hrs due metabolizing it rapidly. I also feel subs will be a better fit for my life and easier to taper off of.

I want to say also-that even though we continue fucking up we have the desire to get clean completely. I never take that for granted either. There was a time when I absolutely had no interest, let alone desire to get and stay clean. You arent alone my friend

 

[cj]

The upside of suboxone is you can self administer and you don't have to do the clinic bullshit everyday. But that's also the downside because it's easy to just stop taking it and get back on dope until you run out of money then jump back on suboxone. That became a vicious cycle for me personally when I was on sub. Methadone also eliminated my cravings in a way sub never did. Honestly either one is better then nothing so don't get hung up on the choice just pick one and go with it! I think ORT is the right call for you. Congrats on stepping up and making the tough choice.

 

[Fresco]

Have you thought about going on kratom??

 

[Stargazer]

What cj said.

I so wanted Kratom to work. I get very anxious on it. Ingestion is extremely difficult for me and then Im nauseated for hours. Others swear by it. It certainly is worth a try OP. Whatever you choose, I wish you all the best.

 

[Thinkwithportals]

Kratom may be your best bet at the moment! Easy to obtain - definitely works (from my own personal experience. It doesn't work perfectly for everyone) and if it somehow doesn't work - methadone is always there. There is the "trading one addiction for another" with Kratom - as it does have its own nasty set of withdrawals. But it is a much more benign substance, relatively speaking.
I agree, addiction is a long hard road - with many ups and downs. Try to remember your thoughts on WHY you wanted to stop. It can be hard when we're in pain to reflect on those reasons. Life can and will get better, we just have to get there. There are people willing to help, and we are all definitely here to listen and offer any advice we can.

 

[Fresco]

Kratom withdrawals can be severely lessened just by taking stem & vein powder.
I rarely feel my withdrawals anymore

 

[d3athadone]

I don't think I can afford kratom. It ends up being pretty expensive after a while no? I did end up getting on methadone. I'm at 30mls and gonna go down probably to 20 in the next month or so. I have to say I do feel pretty hopeful right now. Its hitting me hard that I'm on this crap again, but at the same time I'm really excited that I can live a normalish life for a while! There is a lot of things in my real life (non addict life) that I have needed and wanted to take care of for time and I can finally do them!!

 

[Stargazer]

**edit-for reference-3yrs ago I was shooting a bundle and a half a day (21 bags-a bundle is 14 bags in Phila) AND on 300mgs of prescribed morphine a day. I OD'd about 3 or so weeks ago on 3/4 of a bag. I have come a long way despite struggling.

 

[Stargazer]

Somehow my edit wiped out my previous post I wanted to say I think its awesome that you took this step. Its just a means to an end. I'm planning on starting subs and feel sad about it too. But, I feel it would be sadder to end up doing 21 bags a day again. Ineed some time to take a breathe and get a sober life in place. Good job

 

[cj]

I don't think I can afford kratom. It ends up being pretty expensive after a while no? I did end up getting on methadone. I'm at 30mls and gonna go down probably to 20 in the next month or so. I have to say I do feel pretty hopeful right now. Its hitting me hard that I'm on this crap again, but at the same time I'm really excited that I can live a normalish life for a while! There is a lot of things in my real life (non addict life) that I have needed and wanted to take care of for time and I can finally do them!!

That's great! I'm happy for you

 

[twang]

If your biggest worry is a little weight gain, rejoice. With the proper motivation and effort im sure you can mitigate the weight gain it brings on. Just gotta ask yourself how important is it to you that you get better. Make your health your #1 priority and life will improve from there. Even when real life shit happens like parents dying, your car getting repossessed, your dog running away, or whatever problem it might be that makes life seem sad and/or hopeless that leads people to relapse, as long as you're a clean and functioning member of society, the big and small issues that arise are much more easily conquered when you're dealing with them for real instead of glossing over them with dope. Ideally you'll get some clean time in and learn how to live again without anything like that happening. My point is when you get off dope you have nowhere to go but UP. So methadone makes you prone to a little weight gain? Sheeeeeiiiiit. Stay clean and you'll learn self discipline, and a few extra pounds won't stop you from anything - including the discipline to shed those pounds. Sorry I forgot you're in Canada. Kilos, not pounds.

 

[FLA]

You didn't really give me any reeasons why you really like suboxone tho? Why is it that people prefer suboxone over methadone?

Simco and others here have laid them out pretty well.

At times it seems like bupe does nothing at all, but we all know that it does. To me it seems like 30 mg of methadone is a small dose but I'm sure just like with bupe that jumping off point and proper tapering are tricky, especially when we've got that little voice in our heads rationalizing things for us. I know you didn't really ask about completely stopping.

You know yourself better than I do. If you think cravings are going to be an issue, i'd definitely opt for the methadone. As you know, Methadone has a proven track record of about 50 years now. Before we started using it to treat addiction, I think it's interesting that the Germans invented it because they feared being cut off from the Burmese poppy fields in WWII and needed a back up plan to have something to treat their wounded soldiers. So you're out their focused as hell fighting on Pervitin (methamphetamine), get wounded, then get a good come down from the methamphetamine with methadone. What a life!

 

[Jabberwocky]

I don't think I can afford kratom. It ends up being pretty expensive after a while no? I did end up getting on methadone. I'm at 30mls and gonna go down probably to 20 in the next month or so. I have to say I do feel pretty hopeful right now. Its hitting me hard that I'm on this crap again, but at the same time I'm really excited that I can live a normalish life for a while! There is a lot of things in my real life (non addict life) that I have needed and wanted to take care of for time and I can finally do them!!

That's great! I'm happy for you

Ditto!

Something to remember is that Suboxone is great to use to help transition off methadone. At the very least to treat the acute withdrawal from methadone following a taper, but in some cases also as a kind of extended detox protocol (so stabilizing from methadone onto buprenorphine and then tapering down over the rest of a six month period from the stabilization dose of buprenorphine to nothing). The extended detox bupreorphine protocol following methadone treatment is more appropriate for folks who have been on methadone long term and at higher dosages though.

Next time you get off methadone, do try and get some proper comfort meds (buprenorphine, diazepam or clonazepam, gabaneptin, clonidine, etc). Makes (very literally) a world of difference.