u think you will ever be at PEACE with yourself??

[dilated_pupils]

I feel at peace with myself as of this moment, which is saying a lot considering all my disorders I have.

-dp

Depression & Anxiety MEGA Thread - Depression/Anxiety Talk + Over 100 Links of Info

 

[Mariposa]

If my "self" proves to be a product of the good decisions I am making about my life and everything in it, I will find lasting peace. For now, the good decisions are in and of themselves validating. When I make good decisions and work for good in my life and the lives of others, I feel fulfilled. It is that fulfillment that I expect as I mature further will bring me lasting peace.

 

[LivingInTheMoment]

I used to worry about what I would do with my life, which usually leads people to a place where they say, Fuck it! I'm going to do what I want and not care about the consequences, and that usually ends poorly.

I started in that direction two weeks ago where I rarely went home (I live with my parents) and often didn't tell them when I would be home. I spent most of the time high as a kite, disregarding the consequences. I did a lot of risky things without a care in the world. Then I had a life changing experience.

A friend of mine sat and talked with me while he was on shrooms, but it was as if I had the same trip as he did, and we basically achieved a higher state of mind and became at peace with everything. It took a turn for the worse when we realized that the world wasn't what we wished it was, and that everything we had believed previously was a lie, but it was only about an hour that we were stuck in that rut. He and I cried like babies not getting their way, but it was so much more; our world had just been turned upside-down and completely torn apart.

It was the darkest place I had ever been (since I haven't really gotten into many hard drugs) but I came out of it almost in a daze; I let go of the bad and clung to the good with white knuckles, because I wanted to have gained something from it, and I have.

I feel like a completely changed person. I feel love for all things--human, non-human, living, non-living--because I realized that we're all the same. And I see beauty where many others would not. Words don't do it justice but the best word is that I feel a sense of "enlightenment," but again, it is different.

Just know that you will all pull through out of the darkness and into the light, and it will make you a better, stronger person. [Not trying to sound religious, lol.]

I love you all.

crooked_letter.

Thank you for such beautiful post! I am so glad, you got there and able to appreciate it!

 

[Pomplemous]

im not really talking about the craving to use drugs, but just a stable state of mind...to where if you dedicate yourself to something, you will follow thru with it and not give up on it right away and focus on something else...its like always searching for that thing that will make everything right..i just dont think that 'thing' exists...

NO!! I never follow anything through ever, but I am at peace with myself and that's important to know that you can be nowhere near perfect but still accept who youare

Sounds like you are in a soul searching stage in your life and the important thing there is if you are picking faults with yourself, then dont hate yourself for them, just accept that you have those things to work on and work on them.

If anything - i believe self delusion is key to happiness and I decide that if I feel like I dont know what to do or who to be and I hate myself for it... then that's makes me free to be or do anything I want! no limits, nothing to stop me. Where I am is miserable so anything new is better than this - pick anything! I climb trees for goodness sakes!

It's these people who know exactly what they want and work for what they want and they know exactly what they are doing - I applaud them, but we are more free to wander as we please and pick and choose what to do and ant - means you are not tied to any one thing in life.

thats my self delusion. I'm free to do anything - not tied down by lack of knowing what to do - I dont know what to do but I dont feel that that's a chain round my neck.

you're doing just fine mate - I really do feel alot the same as you and I quit smack not far before you - I am sure this is part of the recovery phase - honest - I do - because remember in those 4 years all these waves of different feeling we went through 0 the pains, the boredom, the misery, the fresh revelations - all of that..? I've never quit for 5 years before - I dont know if I am doing it right = but I read about these people who quit for so so long then go back to using - I am sure they felt this too.

I assume its a trap to get me back into heroin and I wont fall into it - I WANT TO!! but it's ust not an option for me aymore. - same for you.. just hold on... be the best person you can be, dont slag yourself off and put yourself down - accept how you are feeling and hold on! Make yourself smile as much as you can and give to others - make others smile an you will feel a place in life open up for you.

ust hold on! It's part of recovery, I know it!

tmorrow i will be right back here unsaying all the things I am saying now, but you are the only you you are ever going to have....

I am glad you write all this cos it helps me kow that I am not alone and when I say all these things to you I am saying them to myself too - I am often in tars once a week with these same feelings you describe, but fuck it, i am not going to die tomorrow, I am not going back to smack, so pick anything you like - pick a hundred things to do - do them - so what if they are not the kinds of things you would normally like to do - you are playing at life and it can be fun. I feel like I have to put on a mask and pretend to be a magical golf player ( i hate golf, butI dont mind pretending I like it for an hour)

I hate work, but I dont mind pretending I like it if it means they pay me and keep me in a living

I hate people on the whole, but I dont mind pretendig I lov them if it makes them feel worthy and validatd in their own life...


see what I mean? just play at life!

 

[andreas]

I don't fit into modern capitalism and those of you that don't will always be looking for more, if you agree that you are part of something much much bigger (insert LSD tab here, while reading new dawn mag) than modern life, then no matter how many materials you aquire or how far up the corporate ladder you climb, nothing will fill the gap till you find who you really are deep down inside and connect with all the other conscious people around you...if that makes any sense

edit: I wont be at peace till I start a revolution or someone beats me to it, I don't care if someone beats me to it I don't want glory I just want peace

 

[stellablue]

It was the darkest place I had ever been (since I haven't really gotten into many hard drugs) but I came out of it almost in a daze; I let go of the bad and clung to the good with white knuckles, because I wanted to have gained something from it, and I have.

I honestly think you took these words from my own experience. I swear, it is like at times you feel like all you can do is learn and live with the out comes. That is truly how we gain anything. Anything that is worth gaining.

Am I at peace with myself. Well, tbh I am truly learning to be at peace with myself. I am letting go of things I could not control. Learning to love the things that were hard for me. I just want to say, no one will ever stay at peace with ones self. To do that is to stop experiences.

Yes I have had that peace. Will have it again, but if you mean an everlasting peace-- to never crave or desire ever again, then no, that isn't going to happen.

I am pretty sure thats what Enki is getting at as well.

 

[tylerwashere]

I have had peaceful times in my life, but never have truly been AT peace. I do try to keep my life as peaceful as possible, because everyone knows life can get hella hectic. sometimes its good to just go somewhere quiet, maybe listen to some music, meditate, pray (if you are a religious person). anyway that's my way of TRYING to find peace in my hectic life.


**p.s. another thing that stellablue said that i think is right on point is to let go of the things you cant control, the things that cause you frustration and make you're life hectic

 

[**hAyzzZZ**]

I don't see why not. I just need to continue my education and pursue what I love, be with who I love, and my life will one day be everything I need. There are certain things I am at peace with, and certain things I am not. But you know, those things take time, but having a loving supportive partner is helping me.

 

[acid_monkey414]

I know what your going through man but just be luck your not in my shoes. its hard living as a black male in the streets. i feel like my mind is never calm its like a big storm cloud blocking my thoughts and im just sitting back smoking weed waiting for it to disappear last night was probably the worst night of my life the day before my mom found all my pills (which included prescription loratadine for my allergies) and well we got into it and she kicked me out at about 11:30 last night i knocked on all my friends doors only one answered he let me sleep under his bed but it was one of those beeds with drawers on the side so it was a tight fit cramped against the wall and my nose was stuffy and running because of my allergies and i had a cold top top it off after a half hour i said fuck it cause i could hardly breathe in the small space i was given so i had to search for another place to survive the dark rainy night. my search took me to the twin towers(i live in an apartment complex in trenton nj with two identical towers) and i took the elevator to the 19th floor the floor in there is dirty covered with piss and gum but i had no where else to go so i spent the night there the next day i am in school writing this to you guys you know if im having a bad day i just remember thatsomeone else out there has it a lot worse than i do.

 

[crooked_letter]

I honestly think you took these words from my own experience. I swear, it is like at times you feel like all you can do is learn and live with the out comes. That is truly how we gain anything. Anything that is worth gaining. .

Well, I might as well have written about YOUR experience because when people finally learn to let go of what they think they know about life and "reality," people should begin to see, not connections, but that everything is a whole. For instance, have you ever heard a song that you feel as if you could have written, or you feel as if it was written about your life? That's because we all lead the same life, just in a different order. Everyone and everything. We are all the same. Not connected. The same. (It's very hard for me to explain any of this in words, so I hope that made SOME sense, lol.)

I love you all.

crooked_letter.

 

[stellablue]

^ I agree. To a certain extent we are all leading the same life, and experiences or at least simular. So it does have simularities when you read certain threads and posts. We are all very much connected, not totally the same, but connected.

 

[Pomplemous]

I know what your going through man but just be luck your not in my shoes. its hard living as a black male in the streets. i feel like my mind is never calm its like a big storm cloud blocking my thoughts and im just sitting back smoking weed waiting for it to disappear last night was probably the worst night of my life the day before my mom found all my pills (which included prescription loratadine for my allergies) and well we got into it and she kicked me out at about 11:30 last night i knocked on all my friends doors only one answered he let me sleep under his bed but it was one of those beeds with drawers on the side so it was a tight fit cramped against the wall and my nose was stuffy and running because of my allergies and i had a cold top top it off after a half hour i said fuck it cause i could hardly breathe in the small space i was given so i had to search for another place to survive the dark rainy night. my search took me to the twin towers(i live in an apartment complex in trenton nj with two identical towers) and i took the elevator to the 19th floor the floor in there is dirty covered with piss and gum but i had no where else to go so i spent the night there the next day i am in school writing this to you guys you know if im having a bad day i just remember thatsomeone else out there has it a lot worse than i do.

dude! My heart goes out to you

xx

 

[n3ophy7e]

*bump*

 

[TheLostBoys]

im sure most of you can agree with me here..well, with me, i am constantly wanting different things...when i want something and then i get it, it seems almost moments later thats not what i want and then i start seeking something else..it seems like there is a constant conflict in my head, on one hand i want a relationship and the other i dont....its like an absolute war in my head, pretty much never am i at peace with me and my surroundings...drugs calmed that in me too well and without them, imlost..


soooo, do you think you will ever achieve that peace within yourself so you dont have to rely on drugs???i dont think i ever will...its like im too conflicted that i can never find a happy medium..

This is a broad question. There are people in this world that will never have the peace within themselves because they may be born with a health problem or they have been abused sexually or mentally growing up, I mean there are so many things that us as humans suffer with.

As for myself, the happiest days of my life were my earlier childhood the whole way up threw college. I say this because I suppose I had the ideal up bringing with alot of love given by everyone around me, parents, relatives & so on.

After college you get out in the "real" world where you try to figure out where you belong in this society, you start to question will you ever find your supposed soulmate & you hope to make enough money to live comfortable & support a family. As the years go on, I wonder will I ever be as happy as I was when I was a teenager. I know alot of teenagers that are unhappy during thos years but & it was the opposite for me, I think back now & I really feel I had "true" inner peace & you could really see it in my face because I was always smiling back then. I hope to capture that feeling again but I dont know if I ever will.

 

[TheLostBoys]

I know what your going through man but just be luck your not in my shoes. its hard living as a black male in the streets. i feel like my mind is never calm its like a big storm cloud blocking my thoughts and im just sitting back smoking weed waiting for it to disappear last night was probably the worst night of my life the day before my mom found all my pills (which included prescription loratadine for my allergies) and well we got into it and she kicked me out at about 11:30 last night i knocked on all my friends doors only one answered he let me sleep under his bed but it was one of those beeds with drawers on the side so it was a tight fit cramped against the wall and my nose was stuffy and running because of my allergies and i had a cold top top it off after a half hour i said fuck it cause i could hardly breathe in the small space i was given so i had to search for another place to survive the dark rainy night. my search took me to the twin towers(i live in an apartment complex in trenton nj with two identical towers) and i took the elevator to the 19th floor the floor in there is dirty covered with piss and gum but i had no where else to go so i spent the night there the next day i am in school writing this to you guys you know if im having a bad day i just remember thatsomeone else out there has it a lot worse than i do.

Sorry to hear about your problems bro, keep your head up & hopefully things turn around for you & yes, there is always someone out there that has it more difficult that you or me.

 

[Regenesis2]

With myself? Yes. With certain other people? No. Probably Never. Fuck forgiveness.

 

[ColtDan]

im content with my life, but quite often not myself. my life is good, but i dont like who i am sometimes. im pissed off at myself for repeating the same mistakes with people, with my goals, losing motivation. doing stimulants quite often didn't help either. it made me think "who the fuck am i? do i know myself?" i try to become a better person but fuck things up. used to be optimistic, but more often that not these days i end up thinking "fuck this" and it seems to be getting worse as i get older

 

[oliphill]

Yes, to be at peace with myself is my ultimate aim. I think it is all about balance. Mind, body and spirit. I will never have a perfect balance, but the more I work towards it the more at peace I am with myself.

 

[Tunnelfission]

I'm relatively peaceful with myself and who I am what I am, it's other people who like to lay the stress on me. I just wanna make love !

 

[TheLostBoys]

Yes, to be at peace with myself is my ultimate aim. I think it is all about balance. Mind, body and spirit. I will never have a perfect balance, but the more I work towards it the more at peace I am with myself.

I agree 100% that its the mind, body & spirit that has to be exercised & worked on for all 3 to come together.