to go deep into yourself and try to find the reason of your addiction and KILL IT.
I relate in a special way to substance users because, even-though they can't phrase it in words like I can, they can feel that something is wrong with the world. For example, a hard working white collar who worked hard for 25 years to acquire a home, and loses it in a flooding, is actually losing his entire life, because his life was all about getting that house. Is that not worst then Heroin withdrawal? Heroin withdrawal goes away after a week, the turmoil and regrets of such a loss can last the entire life. What is there to envy about this materialistic/family centered, hoarding, achievement based lifestyle that we are missing out on?
Bluelighters grew up watching their parents thinking, dear God! I can't end up like them, I just can't. Were we selfish for thinking that? Yes. We thought our parents were suffering for having their life and we said nothing. So what? What matters is that we were not impressed with their lives. They were not impressed with their lives either, the yelling, the crying, the upset...so how the fuck could WE be? How can we say "
I wana grow up to be like mom or like dad" when the very thought of that gives you either a gag reflex or scares you to death? The truth is we hate their way of life, we hate the boredom of it and we hate how they pretend to have it all.
You're working hard to own things that end up owning you because without them your life makes no sense, since you dedicated your life to acquire them. You get a family, have children who can't tolerate you, who have adolescent crisis yelling at how much they hate you, you may get a birthday party or BBQ here or there, attend a marriage or a family party and that's about it. Really? Is this it?
We are all here, and you are here on this site, on Bluelight forum, because WE ARE NOT IMPRESSED WITH THAT LIFE. We don't accept the idea that, this is it. This can't be it. There has to be more. We FELT there is more. That's the true reason for the addiction.
We're going to do what? Go back to a standard shit life saying "
I overcame my addiction" and pretend we are now living happily ever after? That's bullshit. You know it's bullshit, you know we won't be happier...how can we be happy? With what? The most that it can ever be, is the small ego satisfaction of having achieved something and being consistent with it, which translates into a substance amount barely visible on the head of a pin! Nothing at all. An illusion of happiness. Ok check, do this, next time your co-worker tells you "
I had a great time at a BBQ this Saturday" start probing it:
"
what did you enjoy about your BBQ?" "
socializing with your buddies, what did you enjoy about that? Any interesting topics you guys discussed?" "
what makes you say you had a great time?" As you are probing their affirmation, you find out more and more that there's nothing there. You find out that the only reason they said they had a great time, was because they had to say something to break their silence since people don't perceive well if you just stand there in a group of people and say nothing, or to make themselves feel important that they can afford to go home and party, that they have "
that life" and can afford "
these things", and when you scratch the surface, you're like fuck, there's nothing there. They felt fuckall. Nothing at all. They bounce like testicles in a bucket without pleasure their entire life, they just say it to meet social standards and what they call fun is actually obligation.
But everybody needs to smile. They gotta keep a big flat smile on their faces otherwise people will say "
jees, that guy, he never smiles!" so ya, big flat smile, everyone plays pretend, under the surface is SSRIs, family problems, yelling, disappointments, craving without obtaining and thirst without cold water and when you expect the cold water the most, a warm salty slurry hits you in the face. No pain no gain, what is there to love about a pain worshiping society, so that you can come to the conclusion that if you use a substance, you have a problem, because hey! Look at all the good stuff you're missing on!? See what I mean?
