Lost Trying to quit but emotional triggers

[Beetle 6989]

I am trying to stop drinking and other stuff I stop alcohol but everytime I feel good the reality of getting kicked out of my house by my wife because of court my depression kicks my ass. I plan my ending than I drink a little but because of my serious stomach and heart issues plus physical problems can't do it. I'm paranoid and just feel like at 51 trying to find a place to live it would be better to just let go and let things happen. Meth, hydrocodone and alcohol has just taken my life. I'll keep trying to quit but it's hard because I have caused to much pain to everyone and everybody would be better without me. These are just feelings not going to act. First day trying to get off alcohol and next meth.

 

[Lux Exterior]

Here's what I do when I'm feeling that way, I make a playlist that starts with very gloomy music to bring out these kinda thoughts and then I add calm, soothing/uplifting stuff towards the end to kinda dissipate them. Kinda helps me see some light in bad things, it's a like a form of meditation. Here's an example




This song is kinda about falling in "love" with your depression/blues too and not being able to let go of those feelings because you got so used to being that way







It really does help me a lot along with regular meditation when I'm coming off nasty shit. If you want me to make you some playlists with the type of music u like, I can do it no problem. I do this kinda stuff all day anyway so it won't be a bother.

Music's my Doctor

I kinda got this idea from this movie called Awakening and Patch Adams staring Robin Williams where he heals people through unconventional ways, a very long time ago > got some good movies like that too if ya want. read about the tight rope walker Philippe Petit, he literally saw a picture of the world trade center being built and said 'Imma walk across that shit' and he did.

 

[Lux Exterior]

I do speed and I drink like a tank sometimes so I gotchu dude, gonna pretend you're a flower and water you