Trust issues around good friend of mine

[ricardo08]

Okay some of you might have seen my thread about my friend I was falling for. Well this is related, but addresses a different issue.

So I've been talking to one of my best friends about the situation with this girl. He's given me advice and generally been pretty good at helping me figure out what I should do. Now, one night we were all out at a house party and he and her disappeared upstairs for a while. This frustrated me because I know what he can be like with girls. I know I can't assume they got up to anything, and I know it isn't really my place to even question this seeing as they're both single and so am I... but it worried me because he is such a close friends of mine and he knows my situation more than anyone, and I can't help but have paranoid thoughts about this. He denied my accusations and took it quite personally that I didn't trust him. So was I wrong to jump to conclusions? Or would you have reacted the same way in my situation? I guess without solid evidence of foul-play I can't assume anything? Even though I can pretty strongly assume that if it was another person he disappeared off with he would likely be trying his luck with them. I know this because it's happened many, many times before.

It also doesn't help that occasionally I catch him telling small lies every now and then. Harmless, but lies nonetheless.

And he get's pretty stupid when he's drunk. But at the same time I know he wouldn't want to ruin things between me and him because I know how much our friendship means to him.

Really all I want is either some reassurance or to be told I'm being stupid and paranoid. Help?

 

[dkmonk]

I feel you were not in the wrong for having those feelings, because you are insecure that your friend who is good with the ladies might be getting with the girl you have a crush on despite you expressing your feeling to him.

I don't think that you should of said you didn't trust him, or accused him, but just asked where they went, and if he is a good friend that you trust he would say we went to get a beer or we had sex in the bathroom.

Everyone gets defensive when accused of not being trustworthy by a person they are close with, so his reaction is pretty typical.

 

[alasdairm]

He denied my accusations and took it quite personally that I didn't trust him.

if you didn't do something you told a friend, truthfully, that you didn't do it and they didn't believe you, how would you feel?

So was I wrong to jump to conclusions?

if he's telling you the truth, yes. if he's lying, no.

Or would you have reacted the same way in my situation?

how i would react seems irrelevant to me

Even though I can pretty strongly assume that if it was another person he disappeared off with he would likely be trying his luck with them. I know this because it's happened many, many times before.

if it was another person... if poor people had more money, they'd be rich people...

talk to him about it. or just respect your friendship - and your friend - enough to take his words at face value?

alasdair

 

[ricardo08]

if you didn't do something you told a friend, truthfully, that you didn't do it and they didn't believe you, how would you feel?

it would depend on the situation. i wouldn't be offended if it genuinely looked like i could have been guilty.

in this situation it did look like he could have been guilty. in fact, i wasn't the only person that thought that.

if roles were reversed, i would tell the truth but be sympathetic to how it might have looked from his point of view and not take it personally.

the fact that he got so defensive even suggests to me that he could have actually had a slight guilty conscience. but i could be wrong.

if it was another person... if poor people had more money, they'd be rich people...

yes, but is it not fair base your thoughts on past experiences? i suppose you can't be certain, but for me, if someone is notorious for stealing i'm going to have a harder time taking their word over the person who has never been known for stealing before.

talk to him about it. or just respect your friendship - and your friend - enough to take his words at face value?

i completely get this. i think i've just been around enough compulsive liars that it's made me trusting people more difficult. generally i'm not paranoid, but in this situation i couldn't help it.

 

[alasdairm]

if he could have been guilty, he could also have been innocent. you need to talk to him (and perhaps yourself) to find out why you assume the worst, rather than the best, when it comes to a friend?

alasdair

 

[ricardo08]

alright mate. cheers for the advice.