Just going to write a bit about my yesterdays experience, since it was quite the f**** up one.
18.00 - i decided to take 40g of truffles after around 2 weeks off of psychedelics, decided to take 20 more grams after around an hour, together with some Peganum harmala
.
I also did prepare some blue lotus tee to reduce nausea and highly intensify the psychedelics effects; as the trip started i realized that i managed to start up something i would call "Disneyland" or "Alice in Wonderland" trip, because occasionally when i trip, i manage to have the trip as visual, that my ceiling will have arctic auroras and all kind of hallucinations, including "realistic" hallucinations, like people that look like people and do not go away after a while, however with the major difference to datura beeing that it all is magical and just beautiful.
I realized that i triggered this "disneyland" experience, which happens like maybe in 3 out of 10 trips for me, i realized that im going to trip extremely strong this day.
Now i decided to go watch a short video on youtube, which normally is no problem, however i had the glorious idea to build a cave with a blanket around my tv. This was pretty amazing, since everything i watched seemed to become real, then i had to go for the bathroom, and as i left my cave, i felt very anxious and quite frightened, when taking a piss, i was watching into the bucket (going to the bathroom on this dose is quite problematic and its too cold outside for trippin outside), while watching into it, i ecountered the black hole and felt like the happyness was fading out of myself.
Knowing, that i probably shouldnt stay there, i went back into my cave, which was obviously my mistake, since everytime i needed to leave it, which was like all 5-6 minutes, the world around me became more hostile, and the world inside more wonderland, but negative feelings started overwhelming and when on a mindtrip, i was so focused on the screen that i didnt realize that the program i watched changed to a kind of psycho-horror movie, however i was really fascinated by the tv in my cave before, since it was a bit like 4 dimensional cinema, i thought that the program will surely change, however it became darker and darker, it was something about a cannibal, eating people in dark sidestreets, it was really scary but at first i thought it was also exciting, but eventually my happiness and emotions in general would fade out of my body slowly but surely, compared with incredible intoxination feelings, i realized that i had an serious issue there and thought of calling a friend, the trip was just an hour in and with the mao blockers and this dose, it would last at least as long as lsd and so i was considering calling someone, but then i realized that it meant opening them the door, and i knew that after they arrived, i wont be in any state to walk nor even talk. I realized that it was going a very bad way, i had to leave the cave again, originally i just made the cave to create my own cinema, but now it was the only place where i felt safe, as the horror intensified. When i left the cave again to go for the pee, i didnt make it even to the bucket, since suddenly i was in an horror movie, literally; since suddenly there were girls everywhere, at the ground and at the walls, they first had like cameras and were taking pictures, i shrecked away, still knowing im tripping, went back to the cave, as fast as possible, but i told myself i need to just give in to the trip, so i took down the blanket and tried to listen to good music, but the athmosphere was terrifying, as the girls with phones slowly morphed, and suddenly they all looked like sadako from the ring and crawled towards me as fast as i looked anywhere, i tried to close my eyes and listen to music, but after a while i saw sadako even there, it was like they are going to come and get me.
But ive seen a lot of crazy shit, tripped on datura lots of times, so i knew the feeling of absolute terror, however it wasnt the terror that was really the most complicated about this trip, but more that i needed to go for a pee all the time, but couldnt really leave my bed since it would mean getting close to those beeings, and they would not morph back.
The Trip was extremely visual, and still had the disneyland feeling in it, but it was like i visited the wrong attraction, i tried to give in to the trip some times, but then i realized that in fact the darkness intensified so much, that giving in to the trip could prove dangerous, since i realized all happiness sucked out of my body, along with every other emotion but terror.
I took several attempts to the bucket, but all failed, i never made it further than some centimeters toward "them", because they were around it, they were everywhere, lurking.
As the terror intensified and emotions were sucked out, as the whole and darkness became bigger, the feeling you could call terror was slowly replaced by desperative terror - darkness, the feeling of "normal" fear and terror eventually passed and what was left was a feeling which i would call "death", it was like seeing death, but not the beautiful near death experiences with lights and music, it was death as if all life and meaning, emotions and everything would come to an end. And that was somewhere i didnt want to go. Of course i knew, that death was out of question from the shroom poisoning, but the death i am talking about and the death i saw was like the death and end of everything, like the darkest ego death you can imagine.
And while the happiest music was going on in my room. It was weird, i was in disneyland and had one of the very rare occasions of extreme realistic visual tripping on shrooms, however i was in an rollercoaster that was leading myself into the dark abyss of hopelessness and death, and while i knew that place, since ive seen it before, and while i knew that after reaching that place, you usually feel better after a while, since the body and mind at some point totally gives up and loses it, which results in an complete reset of all feelings and an complete stop to all terror, i couldnt risk going there today because if i would, it could take me days or weeks to recover.
So i decided to somehow try to get controll back. Of course i had some trip toys, like strawberrys, and when i had a free moment, ive undertakene several crusades to conquer the strawberry bucket.
It was located around 20 centimeters away from my bad, it probably took me half an hour to get it, but when i got it and saw the time, it showed 8pm, so in fact, the main experience was just around an hour in. It felt like ive spend eternitys already though.
Then i tried to change the trip and looked at the ceiling, where the long black haired girls where crawling around, ate the strawberrys and fought with myself to not pee, then i got fascinated by the strawberry as the music changed to classical. Now suddenly colour came back, it was as if the rollercoaster was finally getting on track, and i was able to turn the trip into an positive direction again before the absolute breakdown occured, which was great, for a short perioud of time, maybe some minutes, i even had great fun, as i was eating and squeezing the strawberry, the creepy girls that wanted to consume me morphed to beautiful loving creatures that want to have sexual intercourse with me and be gentle, but it still wasnt that i was filled with happiness, i had a pretty neutral feeling, it was like i was between Wonderland and Hell, and it was changing very frequently, every time a song ended and a new song was about to start, the 1-2 seconds of silence in between were enough, to suddenly bring the creepy girls back. Eventually during a rather long song, maybe 8-10 minutes, i decided it was safe to just give it a go, and as i embraced the trip in my delirious state, i was in my bed squeezing and eating strawberrys, at some point i let myself lose reality and found myself back when my hands and entire body was covered with blood and intestines, it was fascinating to watch at my hands, the red was so beautiful, incredible.
Needless to say that the red on my hands and the intestines and brain parts that i was covered in and occasionally eating, were in fact strawberrys since i later found out that i spilled the entire bucket and basically lied in strawberrys.
After some while however, the playlist stopped. And this was where suddenly the girls came back to get me, since i somehow found back to reality in between, i now decided to wait it out with fighting the darkness and immenent death. I did that for a felt eternity, eventually my body was giving up and i reached the point where i was so exhausted that i couldnt even move my hand, i was like a zombie, they basically had me. And i thought to myself: well, you should have taken LSD today (with LSD there would at least not been the extreme intoxination).
Short before breaking down entirely i had the last idea how to prevent total break down: Franz liszt.
I took all strenght to undertake my crusade to type franz liszt on youtube into the keyboard, which was nearly impossible since i was too exhausted to type or use the mouse. Then the music started, first franz liszt sonata h moll ,then the rhapsodies, in total 3 hours video, then i broke down and just lied there for hours and hours, until the video was over, then i took some of my energy and under a lot of effort replayed it, eventually i found myself back cowering in the corner of my room, god knows how long i took to move that far. Then, i made my way back to the bed, it was wet so it seemed like at some point my bowles gave up, well, fuck i thought, so i was lying on the ground, i was so exhausted, i needed to sleep, but i felt like i couldnt, i had still visuals, but the terror was gone, just fear inside of me, but f ear was okay. I then looked at the time, 3 am something.
I then crawled exhausted into my bathroom, took a bath, liszened to liszt and drank water out of the drain as much as i could.
I then crawled back into my room, the fear was gone as i heared liszt and everything seemed a bit beautiful, not much, but the negativity was mainly gone, i decided i needed to cheer myself up somehow, so i listened to the clip while watching some arousing videos on the internet, then i must have fallen asleep, since i just woke up 2 hours ago. It took me about an hour to get up and move to the keyboard, to type this text, i still feel like i have no energy at all left and it probably will take another day or two until i recovered, but i feel like i processed the psychical part mainly.
Overall the trip was, while beeing extremely dark and terrfiying, still an experience, i feel like i just had one of the greatest adventures in my life and im quite glad that i made it out of it somehow fine, its a bit sad that i didnt get the disneyland trip i intentionally wanted, but still it was an experience so i do not really regrett tripping, i just feel like it will take some time to recover.
18.00 - i decided to take 40g of truffles after around 2 weeks off of psychedelics, decided to take 20 more grams after around an hour, together with some Peganum harmala
.
I also did prepare some blue lotus tee to reduce nausea and highly intensify the psychedelics effects; as the trip started i realized that i managed to start up something i would call "Disneyland" or "Alice in Wonderland" trip, because occasionally when i trip, i manage to have the trip as visual, that my ceiling will have arctic auroras and all kind of hallucinations, including "realistic" hallucinations, like people that look like people and do not go away after a while, however with the major difference to datura beeing that it all is magical and just beautiful.
I realized that i triggered this "disneyland" experience, which happens like maybe in 3 out of 10 trips for me, i realized that im going to trip extremely strong this day.
Now i decided to go watch a short video on youtube, which normally is no problem, however i had the glorious idea to build a cave with a blanket around my tv. This was pretty amazing, since everything i watched seemed to become real, then i had to go for the bathroom, and as i left my cave, i felt very anxious and quite frightened, when taking a piss, i was watching into the bucket (going to the bathroom on this dose is quite problematic and its too cold outside for trippin outside), while watching into it, i ecountered the black hole and felt like the happyness was fading out of myself.
Knowing, that i probably shouldnt stay there, i went back into my cave, which was obviously my mistake, since everytime i needed to leave it, which was like all 5-6 minutes, the world around me became more hostile, and the world inside more wonderland, but negative feelings started overwhelming and when on a mindtrip, i was so focused on the screen that i didnt realize that the program i watched changed to a kind of psycho-horror movie, however i was really fascinated by the tv in my cave before, since it was a bit like 4 dimensional cinema, i thought that the program will surely change, however it became darker and darker, it was something about a cannibal, eating people in dark sidestreets, it was really scary but at first i thought it was also exciting, but eventually my happiness and emotions in general would fade out of my body slowly but surely, compared with incredible intoxination feelings, i realized that i had an serious issue there and thought of calling a friend, the trip was just an hour in and with the mao blockers and this dose, it would last at least as long as lsd and so i was considering calling someone, but then i realized that it meant opening them the door, and i knew that after they arrived, i wont be in any state to walk nor even talk. I realized that it was going a very bad way, i had to leave the cave again, originally i just made the cave to create my own cinema, but now it was the only place where i felt safe, as the horror intensified. When i left the cave again to go for the pee, i didnt make it even to the bucket, since suddenly i was in an horror movie, literally; since suddenly there were girls everywhere, at the ground and at the walls, they first had like cameras and were taking pictures, i shrecked away, still knowing im tripping, went back to the cave, as fast as possible, but i told myself i need to just give in to the trip, so i took down the blanket and tried to listen to good music, but the athmosphere was terrifying, as the girls with phones slowly morphed, and suddenly they all looked like sadako from the ring and crawled towards me as fast as i looked anywhere, i tried to close my eyes and listen to music, but after a while i saw sadako even there, it was like they are going to come and get me.
But ive seen a lot of crazy shit, tripped on datura lots of times, so i knew the feeling of absolute terror, however it wasnt the terror that was really the most complicated about this trip, but more that i needed to go for a pee all the time, but couldnt really leave my bed since it would mean getting close to those beeings, and they would not morph back.
The Trip was extremely visual, and still had the disneyland feeling in it, but it was like i visited the wrong attraction, i tried to give in to the trip some times, but then i realized that in fact the darkness intensified so much, that giving in to the trip could prove dangerous, since i realized all happiness sucked out of my body, along with every other emotion but terror.
I took several attempts to the bucket, but all failed, i never made it further than some centimeters toward "them", because they were around it, they were everywhere, lurking.
As the terror intensified and emotions were sucked out, as the whole and darkness became bigger, the feeling you could call terror was slowly replaced by desperative terror - darkness, the feeling of "normal" fear and terror eventually passed and what was left was a feeling which i would call "death", it was like seeing death, but not the beautiful near death experiences with lights and music, it was death as if all life and meaning, emotions and everything would come to an end. And that was somewhere i didnt want to go. Of course i knew, that death was out of question from the shroom poisoning, but the death i am talking about and the death i saw was like the death and end of everything, like the darkest ego death you can imagine.
And while the happiest music was going on in my room. It was weird, i was in disneyland and had one of the very rare occasions of extreme realistic visual tripping on shrooms, however i was in an rollercoaster that was leading myself into the dark abyss of hopelessness and death, and while i knew that place, since ive seen it before, and while i knew that after reaching that place, you usually feel better after a while, since the body and mind at some point totally gives up and loses it, which results in an complete reset of all feelings and an complete stop to all terror, i couldnt risk going there today because if i would, it could take me days or weeks to recover.
So i decided to somehow try to get controll back. Of course i had some trip toys, like strawberrys, and when i had a free moment, ive undertakene several crusades to conquer the strawberry bucket.
It was located around 20 centimeters away from my bad, it probably took me half an hour to get it, but when i got it and saw the time, it showed 8pm, so in fact, the main experience was just around an hour in. It felt like ive spend eternitys already though.
Then i tried to change the trip and looked at the ceiling, where the long black haired girls where crawling around, ate the strawberrys and fought with myself to not pee, then i got fascinated by the strawberry as the music changed to classical. Now suddenly colour came back, it was as if the rollercoaster was finally getting on track, and i was able to turn the trip into an positive direction again before the absolute breakdown occured, which was great, for a short perioud of time, maybe some minutes, i even had great fun, as i was eating and squeezing the strawberry, the creepy girls that wanted to consume me morphed to beautiful loving creatures that want to have sexual intercourse with me and be gentle, but it still wasnt that i was filled with happiness, i had a pretty neutral feeling, it was like i was between Wonderland and Hell, and it was changing very frequently, every time a song ended and a new song was about to start, the 1-2 seconds of silence in between were enough, to suddenly bring the creepy girls back. Eventually during a rather long song, maybe 8-10 minutes, i decided it was safe to just give it a go, and as i embraced the trip in my delirious state, i was in my bed squeezing and eating strawberrys, at some point i let myself lose reality and found myself back when my hands and entire body was covered with blood and intestines, it was fascinating to watch at my hands, the red was so beautiful, incredible.
Needless to say that the red on my hands and the intestines and brain parts that i was covered in and occasionally eating, were in fact strawberrys since i later found out that i spilled the entire bucket and basically lied in strawberrys.
After some while however, the playlist stopped. And this was where suddenly the girls came back to get me, since i somehow found back to reality in between, i now decided to wait it out with fighting the darkness and immenent death. I did that for a felt eternity, eventually my body was giving up and i reached the point where i was so exhausted that i couldnt even move my hand, i was like a zombie, they basically had me. And i thought to myself: well, you should have taken LSD today (with LSD there would at least not been the extreme intoxination).
Short before breaking down entirely i had the last idea how to prevent total break down: Franz liszt.
I took all strenght to undertake my crusade to type franz liszt on youtube into the keyboard, which was nearly impossible since i was too exhausted to type or use the mouse. Then the music started, first franz liszt sonata h moll ,then the rhapsodies, in total 3 hours video, then i broke down and just lied there for hours and hours, until the video was over, then i took some of my energy and under a lot of effort replayed it, eventually i found myself back cowering in the corner of my room, god knows how long i took to move that far. Then, i made my way back to the bed, it was wet so it seemed like at some point my bowles gave up, well, fuck i thought, so i was lying on the ground, i was so exhausted, i needed to sleep, but i felt like i couldnt, i had still visuals, but the terror was gone, just fear inside of me, but f ear was okay. I then looked at the time, 3 am something.
I then crawled exhausted into my bathroom, took a bath, liszened to liszt and drank water out of the drain as much as i could.
I then crawled back into my room, the fear was gone as i heared liszt and everything seemed a bit beautiful, not much, but the negativity was mainly gone, i decided i needed to cheer myself up somehow, so i listened to the clip while watching some arousing videos on the internet, then i must have fallen asleep, since i just woke up 2 hours ago. It took me about an hour to get up and move to the keyboard, to type this text, i still feel like i have no energy at all left and it probably will take another day or two until i recovered, but i feel like i processed the psychical part mainly.
Overall the trip was, while beeing extremely dark and terrfiying, still an experience, i feel like i just had one of the greatest adventures in my life and im quite glad that i made it out of it somehow fine, its a bit sad that i didnt get the disneyland trip i intentionally wanted, but still it was an experience so i do not really regrett tripping, i just feel like it will take some time to recover.
