Trouble Staying Sober, Emotional Issues, and Flashbacks

[Sasquatchjezus]

Hi all,
Lately I've been having some trouble with staying away from what I should. I believe the cause of these cravings is from flashbacks and intrusive thoughts of fracturing my skull, and the brain bleeding that happened after, a major car accident I was in, losing one of my dear friends, and a lotta other stuff. I've had other friends and family die, but this was different, and I don't know why. These thoughts come to interfere with my everyday life; getting to class becomes harder, staying sober incurs difficulty, and even thinking or sleeping gets worse. I don't know what to do at this point, sometimes I'll abuse one of my prescriptions, which is why I want to start the downwards taper. I've been exceptionally good about not abusing in the past considering my history, but lately it's become difficult, I guess a bender is what one could call it, but I don't want to be on a bender. I want to be sober. I want to go to meetings. I want to be responsible with my prescriptions. I'm good about my other controlled substance Rx's, but this one has created challenges. Completely dropping it isn't an option, I need it for chronic pain/maintenance, although I think I may be able to drop it at some point this year, or go down to 2mg. But when I have a dream where my head gets smacked around and wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I've gotten a concussion; or think back to the helplessness I felt in that car accident, after hearing the screams, the smell of gunpowder (or nitrogen from the airbags), the spinning sensation from the car spinning out 2-3 times, the crying of my girlfriend at the time, trying to comfort her (she had a shattered patella) with no result, or think of the last time I saw my friend, who died last October, the emotional pain he was in, just the look in his eyes, and missing the last phone call I'd ever get from him, to tell him how much he meant to me as a friend, it's painful, it's hard not to abuse the tablets that are oh so close to me. I don't want to. Not at all. And I don't want to sound like I'm glorifying drugs, they've caused me so much woe. I guess what I'm asking for is help coping with the grief these issues cause from people with similar experiences. Please let me know if I've posted this in the wrong place, I'll take it down myself and put it in a different category, and make any edits moderators feel are necessary. If you've read this so far, thank you for your time, and if you post any advice whatsoever, thank you for your effort, I will try just about anything that would help me.
-Sasquatch Jesus

 

[Mafioso]

Sounds like a lot to be going through.. forgive me for asking if it's too much, but was your friend that passed with you in the car accident?

I can't make a diagnosis, but I wouldn't be surprised if you don't have PTSD to some degree, as well as some other things. I assume you've been checked out for brain trauma and what not, but have you spoken to any counselors who specialize in working with concussion patients(assuming you've had a concussion). There is evidence to suggest that brain injury can result in poor impulse and emotion control. Of course this is just a possibility. Either way, finding a good counselor who specializes in substance use disorders can be really beneficial. They will likely do some form of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is a great tool and something I highly recommend learning to do on your own.

As far as controlling your medications- it might be a good idea to speak with a family member who you can trust to dispense the medication or invest in a timed lock box. Possibly a combination of both so that you don't have to completely rely on another person, yet if you do lose control then you only can take the days or weeks worth.

Aside from all that, meditation and group therapy can really help. I'd suggest going to meetings even if you aren't totally sober, or at least finding a group of friends who actively supports you being healthy. It really helps to have people who will not only encourage you but also call you on your bullshit or point out signs of relapse when you don't want to see it.

I've never been in a car accident but I've been diagnosed with ptsd and have had nightmares since childhood pretty much. And not just bad dreams, like super intense dreams where I wake up in panic covered in sweat. They usually are of someone I love dying or of being attacked and having to defend myself or family. Depending on the dream I'll either wake up immensely sad, angry, or panicked- usually a mix of all 3. Just telling myself it was a dream usually isn't enough, as it feels like my adrenaline is going and even if it isn't real I still feel ready for whatever. Sometimes I'm able to just meditate- literally focus on clearing my mind, and any time a thought comes to my mind I come back to my mental center and focus on my breathing. But if I'm able to, I prefer to use some cannabis to relax and settle down, especially if in the middle of the night because I'm able to fall asleep quickly.

I also find just the act of reflection and trying to understand my emotions to be fairly beneficial. Being mindful of your emotions, the times you felt certain ways, and some of the possible triggers, can really help bring some clarity and perspective. Journaling can be a tool to help facilitate this, as well as possibly being cathartic.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Sounds like you got pstd, op. Have you tried any therapy/medication or any other methods to try to make it less severe?

 

[Sasquatchjezus]

I appreciate the quick response y'all. My friend who passed - his death is still somewhat shrouded in mystery for me, which makes closure all that much more difficult. He was in rehab, and the day after his birthday, he passed (it was one of those long term programs, it was on a farm or something so he was working). The Monday following that weekend, I was informed by my friend who I find very supportive, the type that calls me on my bullshit, the person I'd tell just about anything to, and lucky to have basically as a brother. The theories I have are either overdose, suicide via overdose, or cardiovascular complications from use of meth, cocaine, crack, and various opiates (iv, except for crack), but I may never know at this point. (I forgive your asking, it's no problem)
As far as the nerve damage, I've had anywhere between 3-5 concussions, all within the last decade likely. The worst one was when I broke my temporal bone (side of skull), but didn't know for roughly 1-2 months (ballpark, I don't know when I hit my head), and during that time I was working (probably lifting heavy boxes), doing liquid clonazolam, doing cocaine, and a lot of other stuff. I didn't even know something was wrong until blood came out of my ear one morning, went to the hospital, they thought it was an ear infection, irrigated the canal, and sent me home with a bottle of baby strength hydrocodone/APAP, and one amoxicillin tab. A week later after continuing all the drug use, the right side of my face was paralyzed and I went to a larger hospital an hour away. I had an epidural hematoma (blood between dura/skull), which pinched cranial nerves* V, VII, and VIII. The hospital would not do outpatient scripts for pain meds despite being in intense pain after coming down, and the next three months i couldn't do anything; exercise, drive, work, lift heavy stuff, strain while using the bathroom, etc. I agree with the statement of evidence from @Mafioso, of worsened emotional control, it would make a lot of sense, however looking at just my case and no others would be anecdotal. Are you allowed to post/send me a link to a case study?
I've tried therapy (and still do), but have trouble finding the words to discuss these things with my counselor (advice?). I've mentioned some of them to my general physician and psychiatrist. Currently my medications are clonidine .1mg, buprenorphine HCl 8mg, lysdexamphetamine (vyvanse, ADHD/Major Depressive) 40mg, and pregabalin 100mg 3x. Buprenorphine (white bupe if you will) is the medicine I have the issue with, but I feel this is mainly because I take 4mg and am prescribed 8mg. Vyvanse has helped me a great deal, and I haven't abused it at all, stimulants don't get me high, they just make me feel calm and capable of focus. After starting the lyrica I noticed an improvement in panic symptoms, nerve pain, and flashbacks, but probably the least aid with flashbacks. I haven't done much research into ptsd, but is it possible there may be triggers? My psychiatrist mentioned an SSRI, but I'm reluctant to accept it, I've tried a couple, and they make me drowsy, lazy, gain weight, and not care. I may start meditating, any other advice for reduction in ptsd symptoms? I may start trying to see a substance abuse counselor that I know of, I've scheduled appointments in the past, but slept through them as I stay up too late frequently due to trouble sleeping. I went to a meeting today, but was late and ended up talking to the (moderator?), he gave me the handbooks for NA and AA, I'm debating whether I need to start getting very serious about a program or not currently. What types of cognitive therapies would be helpful in a case. similar to mine?
Having my medication in a lockbox may help, but my situation doesn't. I don't have family nearby for a good thousand miles, I decided to go back to school with the money from the accident settlement, and I would be concerned putting the medication in any college student's hands, they could either take them/OD, or sell them. I feel that the best option at this point may very well be meetings, and counseling considering the tips from y'all, but will take any/everything else y'all have for ideas into consideration.
Personally I thought that everyone had those dreams on the daily until today. Hadn't ever stopped to consider it might be odd that it's so regular my dreams are vividly terrifying, but did know it's not normal to wake up after a dream in physical pain. At points where the mind is so clouded, it's hard to clear it, I've come to notice, any tips? Unfortunately I can't really smoke cannabis products anymore, it triggers nerve pain for whatever reason (thats just me though), and makes me feel fairly crazy. I'll buy a journal and try and record my thoughts, I like that idea, but cathartic? I'm sure I've heard that before but what is it?

I hope this extremely long paragraph has answered any questions y'all had, sorry for the length. But I am extremely grateful for the advice both of you have given me thus far and look forward to your responses. Thanks for your time,
-Sasquatch Jesus

*Sasquatch Jesus' Cranial Nerves (CN)
CN V--> Sensation in face (permanent flashes of pain in face)
CN VII--> Movement of face (temporary loss of movement control)
CN VIII--> Auditory (permanent hearing loss)

 

[Sasquatchjezus]

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