So, I'm really new to this forum thing. But seems like a really open place that maybe I can use to get some helpful advice. Long story short, I'm an addict. I know this, I maintain it pretty well, I mean I guess as well as you can maintain a life sucking, mind fucking addiction. Anyways, I've been with my boyfriend since I was 16. Now I'm 31. For years things were fairly good, towards the beginning. I was young and in love and would do anything he wanted, I still do. Except for not using. We still have sex almost everyday as long as he wants too. I like almost anything, so I try to do what I can do to make him happy. Sorry if this is way to much information just trying to be honest for the best advice. Once I started getting older, and I began to have more friends outside of mutual relationship friends, I realized that he's pretty emotionally and mentally abusive. I think I kind of always noticed it I just figured that I needed to get over it and live and love life. Well I started using 5 years ago when I hurt my back at work. Well I realized that my moods felt so much better at the sametime. I was happier and when I would get home and be told that I was useless for not planning dinner out better or for not folding laundry before I went to work I would take more because the euphoria just made me not give a shit what he said anymore. Anyways, I'm by no means trying to blame him for my addiction. I know I'm a big girl and I have total control over what I do and don't put into my body. Just trying to include some thoughts of how this all came to be. Well fast forward til now and the last year has been horrible. For the most part my addiction has gotten better in my opinion. I no longer use to feel a high feeling, I use enough to not be sick because really that's all I can afford anymore. Well starting last October he found an online chat room where he started talking to an 18 year old girl from Canada. Well this is where I began to really spiral, I didn't start using more but in turn I got super depressed. I wanted to die. I felt heart broken and like a waste of space. The person I've loved for 14 years didn't love me anymore. Because I can't stop cold turkey. I've tried several times and I get so sick he will throw them at me and tell me to get up and function for christ sakes. So anyways, we have fought more in the last year than we have in our entire relationship. Because I refused to let it go that he was having an online affair with this girl. Turning to her when I was right there begging for his attention. He punished me by witholding sex for weeks last fall and then turned around and said he loved me and it was all in my fucked up head. I would question him and he would say I didn't have any leverage because I'm an addict. essentially because I'm an addict he can do whatever he wants and it has to be ok. Well to me it's not ok and neither is my addiction. But I'm always there for him, even when I'm sick, I try my hardest to make him happy because it's better than when he's not happy. It's like my addiction has given him this power over me more so than ever before. I guess my whole point to this is that I'm to a point now where I know if I had some help kicking the first few days then I think I could really stop. But everytime I try to mention going into rehab or detox he puts it down and says that I'm just weak and that I can't just up and leave my family, work and school for god knows how long and that it's selfish to want too. I'm torn between what the right thing is to do. I mean as long as I do what he wants and don't talk back or make waves it's pretty good, but if I don't then it's just shitty bad and I just don't want to fight anymore. Other than the sex part I've kind of checked out of the relationship because he still talks to whoever he wants and ignores me unless we are having sex and so I just figured it's easier to not expect the love and then when I get it, it's like a surprise. Should I just go and get the help, will it be worth it? does rehab make a difference in the overall process? Any input would be greatly appreciated. I know this was really long and personal, I just need advice and it's not like I can talk about this to just anyone, obviously. Thanks in advance.