anah
Bluelighter
this is some shit i wrote at love [mpls] this weekend while i was tripping balls. actually, i was tripping so hard (shrooms) that i couldn't handle the party, went out to my car, and loved my notebook for a few hours. this is it: (kinda long)
hi. my name is anastasia and this is my life.
in this journey i have been so many different selves. this year, this moment is the time to reclaim all of them. i take back my family self, my work self, my friends self. i reclaim molly.
here, for you, for me, are my scars. here are my vulnerabilities, my imperfections. you can embrace me or turn away. i am completely open and secure with any possibility. i am open and secure with my self.
i am here to ask forgiveness. i ask to be forgiven by you, by molly, by myself. i am here to ask her if she will be a part of me. please forgive me, molly, for all i've done to you.
molly is the bearer of the grief. she shoulders the pain of the rape, the abuse, the emotional slaughter. i, among others, have pressed into her a feeling of complete worthlessness. she is the person at my core who attempts suicide, cuts, hates herself. i ask for her forgiveness so that i can love her, claim her as a part of me.
there are so many parts of me that i have denied. levels of my conscious and unconscious that i have pushed away and refused to deal with. for so long i denied being raped. i denied my sexuality. i refused myself orgasms.
i accept, now, molly into my life as ana. that pain is mine, those experiences are mine. that grief, that deep, deep sadness are mine.
i am anastasia widstrom. i have been raped, abused, fucking emotionally slaughtered. and i am okay. i show you myself, in all my weird beauty. i am so beautiful. i am alive, i am here. i am content with who i am.
i am pure.
i am beautiful.
i am one person.
i can do anything.
i am open.
i am pure.
i accept myself for who i am. i love myself for who i am. i have pain, but it is not me. i do not define myself for the pain i have had. i am so strong. i can let myself be beautiful. i can let myself be strong. i can live.
it is time for me to stop hiding. i am naked before you. i offer my self to you -- to use and toss aside or to love and appreciate. i am completely vulnerable and open. i cannot be cut down. i cannot be destroyed or burned. i have been beaten and raped and i am still here. i have been emotionally slaughtered over and over, and i am still here. i am here and no situation will change that.
i am utterly certain of my place in this world, in this life, in your life. i am certain. i am here to give to you and take from you. i will teach you and you will teach me.
i am a teacher, a student, a warrior, a hero. i fight and fight and fight and i will never stop.
becoming anastasia means reclaiming molly as my own person. i will never again be her, but she is me.
this body is beautiful. my physical scars are a sign of my trials, my growth, my strength. my eyes are a wise reflection of my soul. my stretch marks are a tale of growth and unhappiness. my cut marks, my bruises are a story of life.
i make no promises. i will not say that i won't cut again.
i will strip and show you my soul. i can have pain and still be happy. i can make molly's grief my own. i can share myself and not be eaten.
i am so sorry. i apologize to her, to me, to you. i will no longer hide. i will make amends.
i stand here naked, waiting to sing.
hi. my name is anastasia and this is my life.
in this journey i have been so many different selves. this year, this moment is the time to reclaim all of them. i take back my family self, my work self, my friends self. i reclaim molly.
here, for you, for me, are my scars. here are my vulnerabilities, my imperfections. you can embrace me or turn away. i am completely open and secure with any possibility. i am open and secure with my self.
i am here to ask forgiveness. i ask to be forgiven by you, by molly, by myself. i am here to ask her if she will be a part of me. please forgive me, molly, for all i've done to you.
molly is the bearer of the grief. she shoulders the pain of the rape, the abuse, the emotional slaughter. i, among others, have pressed into her a feeling of complete worthlessness. she is the person at my core who attempts suicide, cuts, hates herself. i ask for her forgiveness so that i can love her, claim her as a part of me.
there are so many parts of me that i have denied. levels of my conscious and unconscious that i have pushed away and refused to deal with. for so long i denied being raped. i denied my sexuality. i refused myself orgasms.
i accept, now, molly into my life as ana. that pain is mine, those experiences are mine. that grief, that deep, deep sadness are mine.
i am anastasia widstrom. i have been raped, abused, fucking emotionally slaughtered. and i am okay. i show you myself, in all my weird beauty. i am so beautiful. i am alive, i am here. i am content with who i am.
i am pure.
i am beautiful.
i am one person.
i can do anything.
i am open.
i am pure.
i accept myself for who i am. i love myself for who i am. i have pain, but it is not me. i do not define myself for the pain i have had. i am so strong. i can let myself be beautiful. i can let myself be strong. i can live.
it is time for me to stop hiding. i am naked before you. i offer my self to you -- to use and toss aside or to love and appreciate. i am completely vulnerable and open. i cannot be cut down. i cannot be destroyed or burned. i have been beaten and raped and i am still here. i have been emotionally slaughtered over and over, and i am still here. i am here and no situation will change that.
i am utterly certain of my place in this world, in this life, in your life. i am certain. i am here to give to you and take from you. i will teach you and you will teach me.
i am a teacher, a student, a warrior, a hero. i fight and fight and fight and i will never stop.
becoming anastasia means reclaiming molly as my own person. i will never again be her, but she is me.
this body is beautiful. my physical scars are a sign of my trials, my growth, my strength. my eyes are a wise reflection of my soul. my stretch marks are a tale of growth and unhappiness. my cut marks, my bruises are a story of life.
i make no promises. i will not say that i won't cut again.
i will strip and show you my soul. i can have pain and still be happy. i can make molly's grief my own. i can share myself and not be eaten.
i am so sorry. i apologize to her, to me, to you. i will no longer hide. i will make amends.
i stand here naked, waiting to sing.
