Total Waste Of Space

[steewith2ees]

Ive been meaning to do a post like this for the last few weeks so please feel free to skip as it will be very self pitiful and mildly epic

Following an initial crash and burn with heroin use bewtween 2003 - 2007 i ended up losing my job as an RMN and got myself a criminal record for posession in the process. After a couple of years in the wilderness bouncing bewtween shitty jobs and cycling through proctracted bouts of dependance it was the 2010 drought that finally got me on the straight and narrow. Id managed to secure a half decent job and id moved in with a girl whod id been crazy about since i was a teenager.

She was very anti - heroin and her presense and support (well, bullying) kept me away from the drug allowing me a somewhat productive and happy life and giving me the opportunity to flourish in my new job getting myself a promotion. All that came crashing down in 2012 as among other things she was quite violent and after one final drunken outburst one weekend i decided enough was enough ans moved back in with my parents. It goes without saying that I was back on heroin within a fortnight only by the time i returned home I discovered that my mother had developed some sort of alcoholic dementia her marriage with my dad had hit the skids big time. I know I should have got out of there straight away but the inertia of the situation with my rediscovered addiction kept me put and I found it very difficult to perform at work, not just due to the drugs (although they had a big part to play) but my mothers behaviour had sprialled out of control - many a sleepness night was had with her bouncing into my bedroom at all hours in a drunken rage in order to tell me what hateful bastards my father and i were.

Xmas 2012 was completely ruined by one of her episodes with my dad having to physically restrain her just so I could get in for my night shift at work on the 25th. By the mid summer my work problems suddenly exploded and after having to endure all sorts of bullshit from some women Id KBeed i left the job in order to maintain some self preservation. Many detoxes were attempted during the hot weather we endured after I left work but with all the drama and fighting in the house I could never get past the magic 72 hour mark and by the late summer the quality of gear had improved so much I found myself enjoying a second rennasaince with any motivation to get sorted out gone. All of our family freinds have abandoned us due to my mothers behaviour, and mine due to my relapse so Ive truly convinced myself that heroin use was the only routine I could find any solace in and as this xmas approached my useage has increased exponetially as I truly wanted the holidays to come and go without me being conciouss of it, ironically as ive spent the last 3 weeks buring through the last of my savings the heroin I have been sourcing has been the best in 4 years. I ran out of gear new years eve morning but after the traditional fight between my parents that evening I found myself in bed by 22.00 and woke up to 2014 with the first real touch of the colly wobbles since the summer. 20 pound left so I went and scored any way but here I am on the morning of the 2nd facing the inevitable and finding the time and level of conciousness to write this. My eyesight normallly goes completely when in w/d so I did a 280 mg codeine cwe for breakfast, finding myself feeling slightly less wretched as a result and able to see to computer screen.

Thing is im truly backed into a corner now and can think of no one as stupid and as pathetic as I. Im 34 years old, up to my eyeballs in debt and unable to keep repeating the same mistakes as I have over the past 11 years. I have no friends left to speak of, the respect of no one, no prosepcts due to my reapeat behaviours and get this - no real desire to get clean. I now have to face a c/t in a violent and disfucntional household through lack of funds rather than through choice, and my motivation to do anything at all other than score has gone totally out of the window. I am a total waste of space, ive had 2 decent chances at life while i know some dont even get one at all and its got to the stage where i just want to lie down and die, ive picked myself up so many times I just dont think i have it in me any more. Im not actively suicidal by any stretch as i just dont have the backbone for that sort of thing but I do think ive invented a new level of apathy from which i cannot rise. As Ive been in the drugs world both on the user and health professional side for 15 years I feel like there isnt any advice i couldnt give to myself and as such i write this in order to vent rather than to mine for guidance. I just know I hate my guts and the world wouldnt be a better place without me but it wouldnt suffer in any way shape or form

 

[RLP]

Did you feel better or worse when you were with your previous partner off the gear? In yourself I mean, who you were, what you wanted to do?

2014 - A new year, a new chance. Friends come and go, partners do, work does. At 34 you're not that old, certainly not compared to some of the ancients on this forum. You say you're not bothered about getting clean, but there's truth in your post that you feel like you lack certain abilities which mostly come with being clean, or at least not dependent.

Make some goals. Short term and long term. There's nothing worse for apathy than having nothing you want to see, achieve, do or whatever. You write with a certain flair so it's pretty obvious you're not a dumb fuck, there'll be things open to you if you want them enough.

 

[wcote]

If you had no real desire to get clean then right now you would be out and about grafting.

Instead your facing a cluck. So you must have bit more desire than you think.

 

[swampdragon]

You say you don't want advice (and that's fine) so you probably won't be offered much, but what you will find in EADD is oodles of support from people who have been though similar. There's the heroin thread and the opiate withdrawal thread, both of which will probably help you loads.

Make some goals. Short term and long term. There's nothing worse for apathy than having nothing you want to see, achieve, do or whatever. You write with a certain flair so it's pretty obvious you're not a dumb fuck, there'll be things open to you if you want them enough.

Yep, this. ^

 

[Shambles]

If you had no real desire to get clean then right now you would be out and about grafting.

Instead your facing a cluck. So you must have bit more desire than you think.

100% this. Actions (and/or lack thereof) speak louder than words. I never owned a computer until I was off the gear cos I could never own anything worth a tenner or more with a habit cos it got sold for scag. And if I had nowt to sell for scag I stole stuff to sell for scag. The fact you are choosing to do neither of these things says a lot.

You say you don't want to quit but it kinda seems like on some level you maybe do. Or at least are maybe wanting to make some kinda changes aiming for something a bit more stable. Are you currently seeing anybody about your drug use? Doctor, drug counsellor, none of the above? I'm sure you probably did say but my comprehension skills... are you on a script at the moment?

Personally, I'm a big fan of not looking or thinking too far ahead when it comes to this kinda stuff. If you try to wrap your head around a life without opies whilst heavily addicted it just doesn't seem possible even if it has some small appeal. Perhaps use this semi-enforced sobriety (or at least lack of heroin) to take stock of your situation. No need to make firm decisions one way or t'other immediately. If you can choose not to do anything overly dramatic, anti-social or flat-out illegal to get yourself well for a while then I'd say you're already doing something right. It's certainly an excellent starting point and a good place to be in, relatively speaking anyway.

And as Swampy says, it's worth sticking around and making judicious use of the facilities. There are people here at all stages of addiction/tapering/"clean". Whatever you decide to do it's always good to compare notes and folk here are great for encouragement, advice and support. Good luck with whatever you decide to do - and, from personal experience, I can say that it is entirely possible to quit heroin/strong opiates at any stage and, in almost every conceivable case, it's worth the (massive) effort. Don't give up giving up, sez I

 

[ScotchMist]

I've definitely had moments when ive just accepted im a smackhead and had no compulsion to stop, however they were just moments, prolonged ones like but moments all the same, phases would be a better word I guess. You may not be in the right place to stop just yet, we all have different tolerances to the pain and loneliness we can endure.

I can empathise totally with your lack of self worth and im sure a few others here can, its one of my most destructive traits, I feel I dont deserve what I have around me at times which can lead to odd behaviour on my part, pushing away the world that cares about me.

You're quite obviously far from a waste of space stee. You need a break, I seriously hope you get one.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Hiya Stee,
I'm sorry for what's happening right now but you're not a waste of space. You're in a hole right now n have an addiction. As hard as it seems you can get through this. Have you talked to the citizens advice n asked if they can help you with your debt?
I 'm sorry to hear about your mam n can't begin to imagine how you have been feeling. I hear you with not wanting to get clean. I was only addicted to codeine, now on suboxone n too frightened to come off. You're the same age as me by the way. Though this seems hard right now you can change things around n we're here for you at Bluelight.
Evey

 

[Allein]

Hi Evey, I had noted your recent absence hope all is OK now.

It has been interesting to hear about peoples issues with Codeine due to my previously mentioned, scripted use. I ran out 2 days ago due to the holidays and repeat prescriptions and seem to have suffered no ill effects from CT possibly some insomnia but that is likely unrelated.

I can't see my lack of problems with pain killers continuing indefinitely and with 2 more ops planned on a battered knee/leg the need will continue an idea of the quantities people have used daily and ended up with some level of dependence is a useful guide.

I tend to agree that reading some posts from users of heroin can leave you with a feeling that those people believe their problems with that substance are indisputably the worst drug problem anyone has ever had. in the vast majority I don't believe those people believe that, problems of any kind are both personal and subjective along with their impact on our lives, no one can tell you how hard a time you are having as they will never truly know.

To the OP, as an RMN I'm sure you would recognise this pattern of self loathing in others and how destructive it can be. It sounds like you have been fighting a good fight over the years and that you're far from beaten sounds like you would know what help you could seek for WD, all the very best

 

[steewith2ees]

gibber gibber

its 4.50 am and im on a bit of a supertrip following a few days rattle - just done 300 - 400 mg (its not an exact procedure guys) cwe and although i feel the teary yawns returning already its fucking hit me for 6 and i feel manic as a bastard. Just stuck 'the raid' on my new 3d telle (the films not 3d, just the tv but the pic is gorj) one of my fav rattle films for insomnia. Whats a pathetic broke ass junkie like me doing holding onto a £600 telle without tear arsing up to crack converters? dad got for us along with a few blu rays and gta 5 so id have a couple of of real toys to play with over the holiday season and the current vibe is i havnt the heart to pawn it. texts texts texts last 48 hurs 'where are u - fire things (which is true for once) 4 items if u drive me here there anywhere' and despite the phone going off the temptation has been biblical

Thankyou for all your resonable and kind words but i have a purple lodged in my bedside drawer and im beyond beaking point. 4 bees or 2 and a ten weed thats the only two options im priming myself for this morning. I officially give up. Make sure ur back here same time 2morrow for a bit of square one and plenty of more self pity.


PS regarding the 3d thing i didint think prometheus could get any better but it has. also tested hugo man of steel and the hobbit its all a gimmick but fuck it its xmas. just....

 

[mydrugbuddy]

Stee, i think it's all down to belief, ive been on lesser opis for a couple of years and then bupe for almost a year, first time i tried to stop a couple of months ago i was just in the wrong place completely and failed miserably in my attempt to quit. This time round i believe i can do it, more to the point i have to do it, to be able to perfrom some family duties and obligations.