Total crash of my life

[Sterimar]

Hello everybody and welcome to my thread!

I'd be more than happy if someone tried to explain me what is happening to me and offered me some of your respectful advices.

I'll try not to bother you with silly essays but a little background of mine might be neccessary.

- 29 y/o with a degree in economic
- started smoking weed and drinking alc heavily at 18
- at 25 experienced my first panic attack, developed anxiety, agoraphobia and depression
- contributed my problems to PAWS from weed but they didn't go away after a year so I was put on Lexapro, which didn't help
- found my father's stash of Lorazepam and slowly started taking them daily. My life was back.
- got myself a beautiful girlfriend who occassionaly smoked weed and drank alcohol ... slowly I fell into the old patterns. My stupid addiction led us to countless fights because she felt we were smoking it too much and just wanted to gain control over it. Finally I've broken up with her 4 months ago.
- at that time I got a new job but being high and drunk every night and taking lorazepam through the day. I had concentration problems and looked run down so my bossess asked me numerous times if I was happy with the job, why I looked so unmotivated etc.
- then I discovered coke ... it gave me the energy, boosted my self confidence etc. Soon I was taking it too much. I got fired from my job.
- I still haven't told my parents I got fired from my job. They are still proud of me. 8(
- instead of that I blew over 10k of my savings on coke (doing it 2.5g a day), weed and alc. while presenting myself to my parents and society as an successful individual
- I did a crossover from lorazepam to diazepam which seem to work fine
- a week ago I've blown the last money I got and even fallen into a debt
- it is day 3 since I've done coke, weed and alc.
- I am exhausted to the point I have been sleeping almost all the time during last 3 days.

I am still deeply in love with my gf who doesn't want to have anything with me. I am dreaming about her all the time, thinking awful things about what she might be doing etc. I am crying a lot. I've withdrawn myself from society. All I do is sleep. I am filled with guilt and sorrow.

What to do, fellows? Where to start? Do you think it is depression, substance withdrawal or just feeling of guilt? 10 days ago I was walking around with a few thousand in my wallet and white in my pocket, now I have nothing. Not a cent.

Thank you for reading my disgusting story. It means a lot to me.

 

[shartito]

Dude. I feel your pain. Your story follows a familiar path that many of us have. And it shows the truly destructive nature of a life of substance abuse.

What to do, fellows? Where to start? Do you think it is depression, substance withdrawal or just feeling of guilt? 10 days ago I was walking around with a few thousand in my wallet and white in my pocket, now I have nothing.

I think it might be all 3?

Are you still taking the diazepam? If so, I suggest you keep taking that, for now. You don't need a benzo WD on top of your already difficult situation.

You've perhaps reached your "moment of clarity" a cliche'd, but true, concept?

In my opinion, it was the blow that pushed you over the edge. Cocaine has the unique ability to ruin lives quickly, especially if one has the means to afford enough of it, as you did. My first advice would be to stay the hell away from cocaine. Delete your contacts, block numbers on your phone if you have to.

Start picking up the pieces. The first thing you need is another job. You have the education and the experience. You can do this.

This is where you have a choice as to whether or not you want to take your life back. It's not easy, but it can be done. I've done it. Although I keep pushing it to the edge with a new poison. But I'm a true addict. And always will be.

I'm thinking this thread may be moved to a different forum where you will get more help.

Good luck bro. Maybe you can even win your girl back. Use her as motivation. If you love her, get her back. The power of drugs can overcome love. But there is something beautiful about seeing love overcome drugs.

 

[Sterimar]

I am truthfully grateful for your answer.

Currently I don't have diazepam, but medazepam which is very similar to diazepam. My psych who kindly offered me to help with my lorazepam tapper agreed to do crossover to diazepam or medazepam. I literally went from 1.25 mg lorazepam to diazepam without much troubles more than 10 days ago. Maybe it was cola that made it that easy? I only felt sedation which and cola helped. It was a real ego booster. With a wallet, full of that pinky 500€ apoens, strong lines of white and diazepam I was acting like a boss. My psych doesn't know anything about my cola binge wants to slowly wean me off Lexapro and put me on Effexor. Don't know if it is a good idea right now or not.

If this situation was my moment of clarity, it would be awesome. When I had my last 3k in my wallet I sweared to myself that this was it. No, it wasn't. You know the same old story "as soons as this bag is empty I'm not touching the stuff again".

Ok, luckily I start a new job in 14 days. I've been extremely lucky with that.

Thank you for your advice. I love my ex, I know she loves be, but the emotional wall that I've created through lying, manipulating, dumping her ... won't let me get into her life again. I tried to make contacts with her but it's clear that she doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. I also swore to her that being in touch with her hurts me too badly and that I'm out of her life.

In the end of out relationship I was getting weekly THC tests. If that's normal, I don't know.

 

[Keif' Richards]

I feel your pain man. I've blown $5,000 in two weeks on Heroin and Cocaine. It was supposed to last me the entire school year. Addiction sucks. We all have our things that we do to at least maintain our lives, even if we're not sober. Myself for instance, I only use Opioids and Cannabis, the former being Methadone at regular intervals from the street. I do not drink Alcohol (generally) or use stimulants. Unlike the former two substances, there is no practical limit to how much money I can spend on Alcohol and stimulants.

I lose control easily when I drink Alcohol. It runs in my family. Typically, I'll go to the bar, have 3-4 shots and then I'll be craving other drugs, hard. I'll maybe get a little bit of Cocaine and have a few more drinks. I'll black out and wake up the next morning finding out I've spent my entire paycheck and that I have Gonorrhea.

My point is, although I can't fully stop using Opioids, I have some semblance of structure in my life in that I don't use substances that fuck with my self-control. I will do anything/anyone when I'm drunk and of course, there's never enough Cocaine. I'm not saying my way is the way to go, but I am saying you probably need to cut something out if you want to have a life and be successful.

I'm moving this to the Dark Side. It's the sub-forum dedicated to withdrawal and rehabilitation. You will probably find some better answers there, but you can always feel free to send me a private message and we can discuss ways to fix your situation.

At any rate, just tell yourself that how horrible you're feeling is due to the drugs. It will get better with time. If you choose to remain abstinent, I would expect to see significant improvement around the 5 day mark. Once you feel a little bit better, you can use that small accomplishment to motivate you in continuing on to the next step. Also, think about getting your girl back. If that's really important to you, stay sober!

 

[kgeisel98]

Sterimar, my concern for you is once you have a paycheque come in it will be relapse city for you.

If you are able to stop using until you get paid try to prepare yourself with a plan to NOT use once that cash hits your hand.

This can be so difficult. It's the psychological side of addiction. I can work myself up with thoughts of a nearing future use! Also, not glamourizing my past using helps as does catching myself thinking about it at all.

I think addiction could be a problem for you but it's not what I think that counts it's what you think that really matters.

Getting clean has it's merits but so does looking at your life and assessing where you are at and where you want to be. Then setting realistic goals and striving to succeed.

I wish you much luck!

 

[Mafioso]

Hey man, I can relate quite a bit to your story. I'm your age and started using around the same age as well. My habit progressed very similar to yours, except instead of alcohol and coke being my DOCs, it was weed benzos and opiates with occasional amphetamine or coke usage.

To be completely honest, I would think that your parents are still trying to be supportive but in all likelihood they suspect something is going on. When I was in the depth of my use, I went to every extent possible to hide my usage and thought I was pulling it off great. Now that I'm sober and able to be completely honest with them, they admit that they were suspect for 2-3 years, about the time my benzo and opiate habit became a daily thing. Whether or not they suspect something, coming clean would probably explain a lot of strange behavior caused by drug use as well as bring a great deal of relief to yourself. I know having secrets like that causes a lot of stress and guilt. Hopefully they would offer some assistance, whether it is just a sober place to live or even helping you to pay for treatment. Personally, I would think that reaching out to your family and friends that will be supportive of you getting clean would be a good starting point.

Getting sober will likely help you to move on as well. I know when I was coming down off drugs at night or in the morning I would have wild anxiety and think about ex girlfriends a lot.

It is likely a combination of withdrawal, depression and guilt, with substance withdrawal being the main cause of the others.

Getting clean may not solve all your problems but you will be much more capable of dealing with them if you do. It's not an easy path to begin but does seem to get easier the longer you stay on it. At the very least it will help you stop creating more and more problems for yourself.. likely it will be one of the best things you will do for yourself.

Dealing with withdrawal should be your main focus. It may benefit you greatly to explain your situation to family/friends, but ultimately you need to focus on yourself and making it past the WDs.

 

[Sterimar]

Again, thank you very much for your answers mates! You exposed some valid points about my (and to some extend yours) substance abuse problem.

The past weekend I've been awake maybe 20 hours total. I've slept through friday until today's afternoon and I felt kind of sick. Of course I had no motivation and I have been generally on hibernation.

Today I felf slightly better. A bit on edge but not so sleepy. Luckily the negative thoughts about my ex resolved through friday night.

So end of day 4 for me.

What do you think this is? A coke comedown and withdrawal? Cannabis withdrawal? It must be something related to that.

What works for me is that a while I start to get afraid of the stuff. I get afraid of the reaction it may cause. So that might be the right way leading me to day 5.

Good luck everyone!