Mental Health Too proud to ask for help

[Eyes On the Roll]

I know there's something wrong.. I've known it since as far back as I can remember.

I vaguely remember sitting in my room at the young age of 9, with a kitchen knife, a pad and a pen, writing out my will, ready to stab through my thoracic cavity. I even remember earlier than that. My earliest memory is that of me being chased by two supposed "friends". The pursuit ended atop of a playground fortress. I was walking backwards, facing my pursuers, when I stepped over the edge. It ended with a compound fractured femur, and a vague memory of betrayal that has followed me to this day. I was barely 3 and a half years old, and I remember every second.

I know that I fall on the upper spectrum of intelligence, because I've tested so when I was 6 years old, (supposed gifted children were sent to testing, at recommendation of the teacher). I have also never been able to connect with anyone, not my siblings, and not even my parents in the slightest.

I've also been a failure, thus far, due to adhd tendencies (hyperactive, boredom, can't focus). I do not live up to my siblings.. who have also tested above the spectrum of normal intelligence, and have been enormously successful (one is 6 years younger than me).

I have the wits, and I'm extremely smart; I know I am. I just can't apply it. I've tried to focus on things such as science, literature, and music. I just get so bored that I loose interest, and I'm stuck at square one ,with a small knowledge for a broad array of subjects.

I just can't focus.. and it's killing me. I'm 22 years old now, and I don't know what to do. I can't feel, I can't interact, and I can't form substantial relationships. I'm just. not. there. I can't keep living this parasitic lifestyle, I have to act. I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know if I ever will.

I promise to whatever Gods you worship, that I am not depressed; but if I am to be this way for the rest of my life, than I might as well just end it now, because I know the cycle.

I really don't know what to do, and for once in my life, I'm asking for help. I really fucking need help right now, because it's just going to be the same old cycle over, and over again. What should I do? I'm so narcissistic, that I never took any psychoanalysts suggestions to heart. I know I won't now. It's always been me, me, me. If anyone's ever disagreed with me, than it's always been what I've thought.

I'm really hurting inside.. and have been since before I can remember. I've just never been able to express it in words, I've been too proud too.

I really need help.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey eye's how did gentn that out there feel?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm literally the same way; too proud to ask for help.

I got over that pride thing recently and it really helped me avoid some negative stuff in life.

Feel free to PM me.

 

[herbavore]

Disconnection from the self is torture. I don't blame you for feeling desperate especially since you have been feeling it for so long. You cannot connect with others when you have no "you". While I do not know the source of this in you I think it is something that you can identify and unlock with the help of a good therapist. Before you say that you have tried therapy (and I know that you have in the past) let me just say that there are mediocre therapists and bad therapists and then there are people that can actually help you go as deep as you need to go to bring clarity and healing.

The layers of fear-based self protection that we develop from earliest childhood separate us from our own essential selves if they grow thick enough. Reclaiming your ability to feel might seem a daunting process but I really think that is where you need to start. Achievement, academic or in a career, will ring as hollow as everything else unless you apply your intelligence to this task.

You have been suffering for a long time. I know that it feels both desperate and exhausting. Try to relax and know that you have everything that you need to heal and move forward deep inside if you will be willing to give up that tight control.

 

[drscience]

Everyone needs a helping hand from time to time. Don't let pride get in the way of asking for help...asking for help does not make you any less of a good person and should not affect your self esteem.



DrS