Tomorrow, Tomorrow

Tomorrow will mark two months clean from heroin and I am so proud of myself. This has been the longest I've have ever been clean from the demon. Oh, how it was so hard to quit heroin and oh, how it is so hard to remain clean. The cravings come and go. There are times where I get absolutely disgusted at the sounds of doing heroin and there are times where I cannot stop wanting to do heroin again. It makes me sad to think that I will forever have to deal with this. I will forever have to deal with my stupid mistake. Why did I have to put that straw up my nose? Why did I have to go down this path?

Now I have committed to a life long issue that can either remain a struggle or it can be turned in a different direction. I know I have regrets, but I can't continue on this path of negativity. I need to stop questioning why I did this and start fixing things. I know why I did heroin that first night. I also know why I continued to do heroin. So instead of focusing on that I want to start doing what I have to do to fix the issues in my life that led me down the path of addiction. I also have to focus on sobriety.

I know I am clean from heroin and opiates in general, but I still love to indulge in other substances. However, I know this isn't the right thing for me. I know it isn't anymore because a lot of my drug use hasn't been for fun. It was just me being self destructive or done to mask the other things I was going through. Yet, even as I type this I am thinking, "fuck that... you're still going to get high." And this really does upset me. It upsets me because I no longer can remember a time in my life where drugs weren't the main priority. I can't remember a time in my life where getting high or drunk wasn't the only fun I had. Well, I can, but I choose to lie to myself and tell myself that I truly wasn't living before until I started using. Even though I know that is a lie because ever since drugs became a huge thing in my life, the more I began to feel distant from reality, and the more I felt like I've lost myself... I lost who I am. Who was I before drugs?

So I want to find that person again. I want to find who I am without drugs. I'm just so tired of being so depressed and doing drugs to create a false sense of happiness. I'm tired of feeling the need to runaway and disappear from life. I need this change. I need to change before it's too late. I'm only nineteen, and I have so many more years to live. I've lost so many already and I can't get them back... I don't want to lose anymore.

 

I am so proud of you. Keep going. Keep asking yourself those hard questions and being gentle when you feel the answers. Keep looking for that little girl that knew how to be happy without being high. I know that you have had so many hardships and hurdles in your young life. When that is how life is it is easy to see being tough as being strong. It is strong to be vulnerable. You are really admirable; I hope you get that.

 

Thank you herbavore. It is always good to hear from you... Youre such an amazing person with so much wisdom. And yep, I always had a problem with showing that I was vulnerable and I still do. You won't even be able to see me cry. My mom says that will be the death of me; keeping everything bottled up. But I'll find myself again... I am starting, well have realized that I can't go on like this anymore.

 

I'm proud of you too. You can do it. I'm 10 months clean from H myself, and I've given up all other drugs and alcohol as well. I have my life back on track... only took me 6.5 years You can do it, have faith in yourself!

 

Keep it up! That temporary fix isn't worth all the bullshit that comes after. Heroin is a drug that takes and gives nothing back but a temporary feeling of escape from life. That's the thing us heroin users have to avoid...we can enjoy life without needing heroin.

 

You can do it!!! Just tell yourself it is not worth it, as others said, it takes and gives nothing back. Try psychedellics!!! I know psychedellics can help with addictions.