TDS To Tired To Keep Fighting This.

[Transgender Panda]

My life now lays in ruins from the disaster still raging on. That one choice 5 years ago caused an obsession that infected my soul and left me with nothing. I am Transgender which is not something I have courage to deal with. I use drugs to either block the hurt and confusion for being felt or to make me feel confident enough to express myself to others. This of course led to an addiction very quickly with 3 trips to rehab facilities since I started at 14. It wasn't until the money ran out and the need for my escape outweighed the legal actions, that I landed an arrest.

I stayed for three days for 3 days and posted my bail and have started the most self destructive binge in my life lasting so far about 5 months. It was last week I learned of my 365 day sentence on my plea bargain. I have lived my entire life morphing my entire personality so others wouldn't judge me for being transgender. My mom will not be supportive if she found out and I was rejected by the one friend I ever told of the fact. Now to top it all off I am going to be surrounded by men in a potentially hostile and abusive environment where I could get hurt for just being me. My father was abusive to me when growing up and I know that environment will be the end and a crisis will be the only outcome.

I feel like the future life of Judgement, Hatred, Loneliness, and lack of any love from someone isn't worth living. Even if I walked out after 365 days and told everyone and started to transition right that day, all I would be met with is lack of acceptance and never seen for who I am. So a really dark solution seems to be the right one. Only so much you can bluff a hand till you are forced to lay down and accept your losses I guess.


Much love to all of you.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

which is not something I have courage to deal with.

You are indeed this courageous; it just takes a lot to utilize the courage.

Much

 

[tripnotyzm]

Any idea when you'll be going in ??
Really sorry about the struggles you are facing
All I can say is this..
Get through your time in prison first..
It could be hard in there if people discover your transgender approach to life.. But regardless, you will make it through in the end.
When you get out, start rebuilding your life..
You should be open about who you are.. Fair enough, your mom may not approve, but you will always fit in somewhere in society.. You just gotta find where you belong.. And you won't find it if you keep your true identity locked up!
One last thing, try straighten up your drug habit
Perhaps you will see a little more clear when you have achieved sobriety.
All the best

 

[herbavore]

Panda, I am so sorry to hear about the sentence. Have you ever contacted this organization? I am also wondering if you wrote to this lawyer if she could help you. You have a right to be in a gender appropriate facility. I know it seems a long shot at this point but I would contact this lawyer. She may be willing to fight for you in the penal system.

I can only imagine how scared and helpless you feel right now. The best thing that you can do is to continue to advocate for yourself by reaching out for help wherever you can find it and to stay in the present in your mind. The anxiety about the future is not real now. Take one step at a time and get help from the transgender community.

There are comfortable places for you in this world, lots of them. The part of the human race that cannot accept gender fluidity may seem universal, but it is not. Please hang on and know that you are strong and courageous and beautiful and you have every right to say who you are and what you are. ((((()))))