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To be honest...

thujone

thujone

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Aug 31, 2006
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I have no idea how to even express myself about this issue (shocking, eh?) My past is mostly filled with criminal shit and I don't want my future to be. For the past few years I've been struggling to keep things straight and I'm working toward establishing a career for myself now but I still find myself completely unable to bond with normal people. Frankly, I find most normal people have really terrible habits. Normal people: have a tendency to share secrets even ones they really, really shouldn't. I have trust issues so I always find people betraying me doing stuff that they're too stupid to understand is a betrayal of trust. Normal people: ask invasive questions about my past that I don't want to answer so I try and steer the conversation elsewhere and it completely ruins any potential bond I could be building by being honest, but I'm worried that even if I find normal-life type of people whom I can trust, letting them in on my past would just be making them a party to my baggage. I'm pretty fucking well-adjusted and people see me as a genuine, happy-go-lucky guy so I have no problems attracting the attention of cool, normal people but that just makes me all the more worried that if I start sharing they will get stunned and avoid me right away.

In conclusion, I realize I can't build bonds if I keep having to lie when someone who is trying to get to know me asks me a personal question, but how can I just be honest if the reality of my past makes them wonder if a leopard really can change his spots? I'm not expecting earth-shattering relevations or anything but if anyone can understand what this is like and nudge me in a direction I'd really appreciate it.
 
for some reason, for some people, "telling the truth" has become synonymous with "telling everybody, everything all the time". if somebody asks you a personal question, it's perfectly truthful to say "i'm not ready to talk about that yet". discretion is an attractive quality too, you know. you could then segue to a more generalised discussion of the subject matter...

alasdair
 
Hey man, I can completely relate to that. I've been involved in the drug sub-culture so long it's hard to go out there in the world and interact with normal people who've never really had the experiences I've had. I have a couple things on my record that are pretty old at this point, but these days, they look at everything when you're interviewing for a job!
I've quit or gotten fired from several jobs and I have long periods where I didn't work at all.
Like you, I'm an easy to get a long with guy that likes to joke around, so I have no problem meeting people too.

It's just that, I have to leave out so much about myself that it makes it uncomfortable and awkward. Even when I've thought I could tell people about my "real life", it just doesn't seem to register with them and I kind of get the sense that they're judging me. Most people, I think, usually peg me as a happy go lucky stoner-type and may treat me like I'm flaky, but I feel like their the ones who are superficial and fake. They take their "status in society" so fucking seriously, whereas I've never wanted to be part of "the system"!....
I'm gonna go on a big LSD, capitalist conspiracy theory rant if I keep going here! But, I know where you're coming from!

But still, I can go out and have a couple drinks with normal people and talk about normal things without having to go into detail about my life and have a good time. Unfortunately, if you really become friends with someone it's bound to come up....sucks
 
people who have gone through shit and healed are interesting. those who would judge you for it are either those you do not need to share with that info with or those you don't need to care about.
no one is going to blindly trust you anyway. the important thing is how you are now.
the need to overshare is bad (looking at myself here) but the feeling you are a liar for keeping info to yourself is bad too.
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” Dr. Seuss quote
(but only with the right people)
 
You certainly can't expect someone who has gone through some hard times to not learn from it and grow, and in the same respect, they need some time to bond with people.

I'm an introvert mostly, because I have a sick sense of humor and I am a product of the internet. It's like I told my last work buddy: you aren't going to find many girls who can laugh at a rape joke, so it's not like you can come out and start making your typical "4chan" style jokes with just everyone. There is usually just that ONE person at work you can bond with. That has been my experience anyway. Most people would be offended by a 4chan joke, so you have to be quiet and feel people out.

So, not knowing about YOU, thujone, it's hard to say, but from my personal experience, just take it slow with people and kinda test them out by listening to what they say first. YOU ask THEM questions first. Such as "Hey, what did you do this weekend?" For instance, I found my drinking pal at work after they were going out one day and I said "You guys are not ready for my alcohol face." Pretty much everyone who drinks for fun came out of the woodwork. lol You will get a feel for who is someone who you can click with rather than the person who would get offended or scared of your personal history.
 
OP: I've been into some weird shit in my day but not many people know it. When you meet someone or begin interacting with a new group you can choose the persona you project.

I dont start off with people by naming the drugs I've done and felonies committed (I mean, assuming I had actually committed felonies).

I usually start off with small talk an try to migrate towards a common interest or just anything we have in common.

They only know what you tell them, and some might know what's on your background check.

Point being; be who you want to be, they probably won't know the difference.
 
I am not very good at communicating with most people either. I just don't have the same interests as them. My coworkers, for example. I like them and all. But they talk about movies, tv shows, celebrities, sports, and alcohol. Nothing I'm interested in. I like music, dancing, drugs, and some other things (that I don't even admit on here lol). We just don't have the same interests. It's hard for me to answer questions and really get involved with them in conversations.
I have found that it's best to ask questions rather than answer questions. Ask questions about shows they've watched. I try to keep up to date with the news so that I can talk about that. Ask them about their weekends. Most people want to talk about themselves.
 
llama112 said:
I am not very good at communicating with most people either. I just don't have the same interests as them. My coworkers, for example. I like them and all. But they talk about movies, tv shows, celebrities, sports, and alcohol. Nothing I'm interested in. I like music, dancing, drugs, and some other things (that I don't even admit on here lol). We just don't have the same interests. It's hard for me to answer questions and really get involved with them in conversations.
I have found that it's best to ask questions rather than answer questions. Ask questions about shows they've watched. I try to keep up to date with the news so that I can talk about that. Ask them about their weekends. Most people want to talk about themselves.
Click to expand...

I'm in much the same boat...

Personally, I maintain two different personas as a bartender. One, the person that can relate to my high-school educated, not particularly driven, but still decent human-being co-workers. I go out drinking with them, have a lot of brain-dead fun, but don't expect much long-term enrichment from our relationship. On my time off, I'm the (mostly) introvert that reads a lot, plans for my next travel experience, exercises daily, maintains productive hobbies, and tries to learn new things everyday.

I find it fairly easy to maintain these two lifestyles, and it removes the need for full-disclosure to the people that I deal with on an almost daily basis.
 
Without going into too much detail, I can relate too. Personally, it has really affected my job searching and my ability to get rehired. I always thought that if I did something wrong, I pay my time back to society and things will be good. Oh nooooo, that stuff does not disappear so fast.

As for relationships, right now I don't have any besides my wife (who knows everything and still loves me, I think) and that's OK. I'd suggest coming up with a "cover story" so to speak and have it ready to pull out if people ask/pry. After a little while, it'll roll right off your tongue and become part of your life. All in all, it sounds like you're getting along pretty well so just don't overthink things and you'll be fine.
 
Don't feel bad I'm the same way. I've found that very few people are people who you can tell something to in confidence, and even few tell the truth.

I am truthful to friends; but to acquaintances I don't lie but I don't tell them everything or all the things they may ask me.
 
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