Exhausted Tired. Don’t want to be sober don’t want to be dependent. Tired of it all.

[RuffSamurai]

My best friend and love of my life, my everything, my reason, my beautiful girl, died of a fentanyl overdose 5 months ago. I would’ve been 2 years sober in January. I’m only on methadone and klonopin which I got a prescription for after she died. Benzos and opiates are my drug of choice and I quickly learned the last 5 months you can get pretty high constantly raising your methadone dose, mixing it with benzos, cimetidine and weed.

At first I was able to get fucked up off .5 of benzos with this combo everyday now I’m up to 1.5mg to barely feel anything. Everyone around me still thinks I’m sober. I’m on 180mg of methadone so I don’t even know a detox that will take me.

So here I am at the bottom of by benzo script 3 weeks early getting ready to order RCs that will surely show up in my drug tests at the clinic (throw away 2 years of hard work) just so I don’t seiz out in the mean time till I’m able to meet with my benzo doctor again in April.

I just can’t believe I’m back here. 5 months ago I was so happy and content. On 39mg of methadone and lowering, 1 year and 11 months completely clean from benzos and all street drugs. I was working on building my life with my beautiful best friend and things were going the right direction for the first time ever.

Now I’m back here on blue light. Back in benzo withdrawal. Suicidal on 180mg of methadone I’m not sure how I’ll ever get off of.

I used to get a lot of catharsis venting on here. Going to meetings, support groups on Reddit. I used to be able to type and type and type about my fucked up life and my problems.

But after losing her. I just don’t care anymore. Im so tired. I’m tired of talking. Im tired of venting. Im tired of the drug tests at the clinic, I’m tired of the anxiety about losing my klonopin script and beating myself up for being the junkie piece of shit that I am.

Im tired of institutions, and rehabs and detoxes.

I just want to go to sleep and be with her. Some days I just don’t know what the point is.

But I’m also so tired of putting my beautiful mom through shit. I’m so tired of putting her in pain. I just want to be happy and normal for her and I was trying I was doing it! I’m just so tired of it all.

I know she didn’t mean for this or want this I know she dosent want me to feel this way well she’s not here anymore so it don’t really matter I guess idk.

 

[chicken hoagie]

The title says it all brother. I literally didnt need to read anything you actually typed; only had to read the Subject title.

I would say a majority of us on these forums feel the same exact way. I know I do. We have to find our own, personal path in this world of selfishness, unless you can find a community that focuses around social commune. Otherwise, focus on what you know is fact that works to improves peoples' lives. If it doesnt work for you, try something else. Just dont give up. Mine is working out, playing video games. Make money, pay your bills, dont become homeless. Dont go to jail. Everything else will come and go.

 

[JackARoe]

I know she didn’t mean for this or want this I know she dosent want me to feel this way well she’s not here anymore so it don’t really matter I guess idk.

I am sorry you are suffering so much. You won 't always be suffering. First off if the opposite happened and it was you that passed on and not your girl I am sure you would want her happy while you are rolling around heaven. Also staying well for your mother confirms to me what I had been thinking. A lot of us here love our loved ones so much we don't want to see them suffer. We know if we off ourselves it leaves a lot of work to be redone. May as well do it now. One foot in front of the other should be the motto. Walk your way out of this. Of course the biggest ways to start is to be willing. What would your girl want for you while still here?

As far as the substances you are not screwed. In a pickle yes. But we all are in some ways. I believe the first way out is to just not increase the methadone or benzos. When you get your script if anything go down a little. Find a balance. You don't need to get off of everything overnight. But stop increasing.

Also 5 months or burying your head sort of prevents insights from coming in. I get it though as what else can we do? Death is a good way to test what exactly what I have faith in. I am not sure how most people miss this but being born is a fatal illness. I had a brother killed by a drunk driver 34 years ago. 10 minutes before he was at my apartment. I always think what if he stayed another 5 minutes, what if I asked him one more question. Would that driver have crashed into someone else? But we can not do that to ourselves. We will all exit in our own fashion. And it will be a relief from this difficult life. (only when school is out though) Seems like all there are are problems for people.

So to sum it up, stop increasing the methadone and benzos from this point on. Clear your head. Go on a Nature walk. Keep your eyes and ears open to ANY possible insights and messages. But start today. 5 months of grieving is a process that does need insight (time). But I am sure you feel the stir to get to a better place which is the gist of this post.

My one desire is to see you come back in a few months and let us know you are doing better OP. Here is the thing. Life goes on. But it does not go one without your girl. It goes on while you keep her in your heart. There is a difference. Keep her in your heart.

 

[paranoid android]

I used to be very deependant on morphine and clonazepam but ever since kicking it cold turkey in the psych ward i havent been addicted but still use. Soi there is always the option of tapering off then using just to get high once in awile

 

[RuffSamurai]

The title says it all brother. I literally didnt need to read anything you actually typed; only had to read the Subject title.

I would say a majority of us on these forums feel the same exact way. I know I do. We have to find our own, personal path in this world of selfishness, unless you can find a community that focuses around social commune. Otherwise, focus on what you know is fact that works to improves peoples' lives. If it doesnt work for you, try something else. Just dont give up. Mine is working out, playing video games. Make money, pay your bills, dont become homeless. Dont go to jail. Everything else will come and go.

Yeah man 100%. Nothing seems as serious after losing her. Own my condo. Just trying to keep my head down and get by the best I can without being completely fucking miserable. Thanks for the support I appreciate it.

 

[chicken hoagie]

Yeah man 100%. Nothing seems as serious after losing her. Own my condo. Just trying to keep my head down and get by the best I can without being completely fucking miserable. Thanks for the support I appreciate it.

Any time brother reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. We are all going through struggles together ya'll. But we can do this.