Til death DID us part: 'Support group' for the ones left behind when our S/O died.
- Thread starter Khadijah
- Start date
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
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It's absolutely horrible what his family is doing to you Lacey. I guess they think if they can find someone responsible for this that it'll bring them consolation, but it's just sick to inflict that on you considering what you're going through. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I wish I knew the right words to say but I'm not sure there are any. But please trust us when we say it does get easier. I know how it feels to wake up and just be unable to fully believe he really is gone. You're still in the very worst part Lacey, but time truly helps. Just remember that wherever he is now, he's in a better place. And he would have wanted you to be happy, and for your son to be happy. The best you can do to honour his memory is to take care of those two beautiful people.
I didn't make it to my friend's funeral either, simply because I didn't want to have to deal with the realisation that he really was gone. It's horrible his family didn't let you go, but there are still so many other ways to say goodbye.
I wish I knew how to help you. It sounds stupid, and it sounds pointless, but do try to distract yourself as much as you can, evemn with the stupidest things and even if it's a chore at first. He would have wanted you to continue on with your life.
I'm thinking of you.
I didn't make it to my friend's funeral either, simply because I didn't want to have to deal with the realisation that he really was gone. It's horrible his family didn't let you go, but there are still so many other ways to say goodbye.
I wish I knew how to help you. It sounds stupid, and it sounds pointless, but do try to distract yourself as much as you can, evemn with the stupidest things and even if it's a chore at first. He would have wanted you to continue on with your life.
I'm thinking of you.
I'm so sorry, lacey. I understand, because I went through it too, and they are trying to find someone to blame, because they can't deal with it themselves. People do crazy things when loved ones die. Especially one who was too young to die. They wouldn't even give me a damn tshirt and I had asked them to please tell me when they were here to clean out his stuff, because I would help and come to them. I still can't believe some of the stuff I wrote on here, because BL was my only outlet and I was so distraught.
They are assholes for treating you like this. For some reason, people think they are more important than you are, because you weren't married, but you and I know that isn't true. I also got the "you were just the GF and he was my son," and while I understand that it's a different type of hurt, it doesn't make your hurt any less severe.
Everything you've said sounds exactly like me. Down to the lost weight, and the whole thing just eating you from the inside out. All of it. I'm so sorry. I wish you were close to me. I would give you a hug. Your post is getting me teary eyed.Nothing is going to make it feel better, and I know that. The only thing you can do is wake up every morning (and yes, I know that instant feeling of hurt you feel as soon as you wake up), and do what you're supposed to do every day.
I know you're looking for someone to say something to magically take it away, but nothing is going to make it better. Only time will make it better.
One day, you will finally snap out of it, but not now. I do promise you that everyone who has been through it will tell you that it does get better. It's gonna be a long while, and you'll still think about him sometimes, but it does get better. Personally, I'm at a stage where I realize he made a very bad decision, and I have a "fuck him" attitude. Perhaps that's a coping mechanism, but I can tell you that I no longer have that helpless, depressed, just totally can't think, cry every day thing anymore. You will get there too. You're tough.
^Great post..
So sad to read this lacey k, I wanted to wish you well. You always had so much love in your posts and a lot to offer people here.
take care
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
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Lacey, I wish that I could take everything you wrote in post #17 and send it to your late boyfriend's family. Actually I fantasized tying them all to chairs and reading it out loud to them. Unfortunately I know how horrible people can be when they are in pain. The sad thing for them is that they are only making their own suffering worse as well. Piling all that anger and blame on top of their grief is only going to hold them in more misery and prevent the only good that can ever come out of such a loss, which is to understand more and feel more compassion. But enough about them. As difficult as it must be to put them in your past (and anyone else that judges you) that may be what you need to do right now as you strive to save yourself. Whatever you do, do not let the blame inside your own head. Your outrage at their treatment of you is actually a very positive thing in that it is the voice inside you that is insisting on truth. The truth that your boyfriend's family cannot see is that he had his own path, his own journey through this life. He made his own mistakes. As you well know from your own journey, no one could have saved you until you were ready to save yourself.
I hope that you can develop a support network for yourself here on Bluelight. More than anything else, you just need hearts to hold you. Between effie and Lysis and Stellablue, to name just three, you have people here that have gone through what you are now having to live through. I can well imagine how hard it must be to find one in your immediate surroundings. There is so much stigma attached to both life and death when it comes to drugs. You don't need that right now. I hope that you can be strong in your own resolve to stay healthy and heal. Your son would not be better off without you so banish that voice from your head. You are suffering and you are feeling the despair that loss such as this brings. There is nothing in the contract between parent and child that says you cannot be human. I know that there is pressure as a mom to be superhuman but it really is a myth.
I admire you so much for reaching out, for resisting the outrageous onslaught of blame his family is trying to pin on you. effie's phrase, (which may have been Amapola's?), of learning to walk with the pain, to live alongside it, is the truth in this situation. Don't try to numb it away or run from it. It is horrible and it is real but it is possible to live. Right now, your whole focus needs to be on you and your son. Eat. Breathe. Receive your son's affection and return it. Just take the best care of yourself that you can and accept help wherever you can find it. Much, much love to you. Though my experience with loss was not a partner, please consider me as someone willing to listen and talk whenever you need it. I am truly so sorry to hear of this tragedy.
I hope that you can develop a support network for yourself here on Bluelight. More than anything else, you just need hearts to hold you. Between effie and Lysis and Stellablue, to name just three, you have people here that have gone through what you are now having to live through. I can well imagine how hard it must be to find one in your immediate surroundings. There is so much stigma attached to both life and death when it comes to drugs. You don't need that right now. I hope that you can be strong in your own resolve to stay healthy and heal. Your son would not be better off without you so banish that voice from your head. You are suffering and you are feeling the despair that loss such as this brings. There is nothing in the contract between parent and child that says you cannot be human. I know that there is pressure as a mom to be superhuman but it really is a myth.
I admire you so much for reaching out, for resisting the outrageous onslaught of blame his family is trying to pin on you. effie's phrase, (which may have been Amapola's?), of learning to walk with the pain, to live alongside it, is the truth in this situation. Don't try to numb it away or run from it. It is horrible and it is real but it is possible to live. Right now, your whole focus needs to be on you and your son. Eat. Breathe. Receive your son's affection and return it. Just take the best care of yourself that you can and accept help wherever you can find it. Much, much love to you. Though my experience with loss was not a partner, please consider me as someone willing to listen and talk whenever you need it. I am truly so sorry to hear of this tragedy.
Seeking Where?
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 11, 2013
- Messages
- 45
Lacey / Khadijah,
The fact that you can write with such passionate intensity, to lay all your pain out there, your anger and your sorrow, shows us all that you are incredibly strong. You CAN get through this; you are a woman of great power and fire. But to have to grieve and field all this shit as well is so, so unfair. We are all so sorry that you are having to live through it with so little practical support. Hope it helps that Bluelight friends are here for you.
The fact that you can write with such passionate intensity, to lay all your pain out there, your anger and your sorrow, shows us all that you are incredibly strong. You CAN get through this; you are a woman of great power and fire. But to have to grieve and field all this shit as well is so, so unfair. We are all so sorry that you are having to live through it with so little practical support. Hope it helps that Bluelight friends are here for you.
carniegirl818
Bluelighter
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- Jan 6, 2013
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- 85
The only thing different about my story from yours is that it was 7 months ago, not one. And while some of his friends blamed me at first, most of them-the ones that knew him best- stood up for me because they knew that he was his own man and that he loved me and would be pissed at anyone else in his life who treated me bad. Someone needs to point this out to the people in your life. My Bry was cremated and there was no funeral. I don't think he really cares and I'm relieved because there was so much tension between the various people in his life that it would have been a nightmare. At the time I couldn't have handled it anyway. I'm still a total mess and my world is in shades of grey. When I'm thinking of him, I miss him so much it hurts. And if I actually catch myself having fun I get scared that I might actually get over it because in a way, our grief is all we have left to make us feel like they're still a part of our lives. OP, when I read your post, I thought, "If you change about 6 words it's as if I wrote this." So now you know. There is someone else out here who's been through exactly what you're going through. It doesn't get easier. You just get better at it.
carniegirl818
Bluelighter
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- Jan 6, 2013
- Messages
- 85
I remember this feeling also. I don't even have a kid to get up for. But Bryan got 2 puppies about 5 months before he left me and they have been the only thing that kept me from following him at times. Here's what helped me: 1) stay off of Facebook as much as possible. I know that sometimes you just can't help yourself, but realize that seeing all those people talking about him like they knew him, when it was YOU who really knew him, (that's the feeling it gives you,) Facebook will only twist the knife. The other thing is educating yourself. If you can get your hands on a copy of 'We Don't Die,' about George Anderson, or 'The Afterlife Experiments,' read them. If you can't, let me know and I will send them to you personally. I don't know what your beliefs are regarding death, but your fiance is still with you. Even more so. Those two books will convince you, I promise. They helped me to feel like we'll be together again eventually, but I have to wait because for some reason I'm not done here. Some days I can't figure out what the f- that reason is. (Unless it's to take care of a couple of spoiled pitt bulls?) And once you know in your heart that he'll be waiting for you at the finish, then you'll know you can get through whatever you have to.
Lysis
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- Apr 13, 2008
- Messages
- 31,677
On the topic of friends being assholes, his best friend/partner was the first guy I called when I got the message from the cop. The cop had left a message, and Robert was a hacker with a record and he ran a hackers' gaming site, so I thought that he and his friend had done something (again) and gotten caught. I called his friend to ask if he and Rob had been "playing" online. lol And I wanted to know what to tell this cop. The friend told me he had spoken to him that day and that Rob had just built a rack for their site, so it was all good.
So, I called the cop, found out, and immediately called his partner. The best friend blamed me, and told me that the reason he was doing drugs was because we were going through a hard time. It was a vicious circle, because the drugs made him a different person, so I didn't want to talk to him, which made him do more.
I was cool until I read the police report, and the cop got a lot of what he reported that I had said wrong. Some of the stuff the friend/partner had said shocked me. I really should never have read that police report. Anyway, I called his friend a lot, because I felt like he was the only other person who really knew him. I am the type that has to cry and get it out, and the friend is the type who doesn't want to talk about it. It finally came to a head and he and I argued and it was not good. We stopped speaking to each other entirely for years.
Kyle and I didn't speak for years until one day he found me gaming again and said "Hi." We've spoken and gamed together for a year now, and he really wants me to come live out in California. 5 years later, and we are friends. He's even offered to let me live there for a while until I get myself established. We never speak about Robert though, which is strange, but I am OK now, and I know he doesn't like to talk about it.
I think he finally realized what an asshole he was to me, but all of this takes time for everyone to heal. I was the crazy, crying girlfriend and he was the best friend who didn't want to talk about it ever. All of that changes after time and people look back and realize what assholes they were. Some of the stuff I wrote was embarrassing, but it's something that no one understands unless they've been through it.
The same will happen to you, lacey. Not everyone will come around, but the friends and family with any kind of conscience will realize that it's not your fault and that you are hurting just as bad. It's a shame that it takes so long, but it takes a long time for people to finally snap out of it.
So, I called the cop, found out, and immediately called his partner. The best friend blamed me, and told me that the reason he was doing drugs was because we were going through a hard time. It was a vicious circle, because the drugs made him a different person, so I didn't want to talk to him, which made him do more.
I was cool until I read the police report, and the cop got a lot of what he reported that I had said wrong. Some of the stuff the friend/partner had said shocked me. I really should never have read that police report. Anyway, I called his friend a lot, because I felt like he was the only other person who really knew him. I am the type that has to cry and get it out, and the friend is the type who doesn't want to talk about it. It finally came to a head and he and I argued and it was not good. We stopped speaking to each other entirely for years.
Kyle and I didn't speak for years until one day he found me gaming again and said "Hi." We've spoken and gamed together for a year now, and he really wants me to come live out in California. 5 years later, and we are friends. He's even offered to let me live there for a while until I get myself established. We never speak about Robert though, which is strange, but I am OK now, and I know he doesn't like to talk about it.
I think he finally realized what an asshole he was to me, but all of this takes time for everyone to heal. I was the crazy, crying girlfriend and he was the best friend who didn't want to talk about it ever. All of that changes after time and people look back and realize what assholes they were. Some of the stuff I wrote was embarrassing, but it's something that no one understands unless they've been through it.
The same will happen to you, lacey. Not everyone will come around, but the friends and family with any kind of conscience will realize that it's not your fault and that you are hurting just as bad. It's a shame that it takes so long, but it takes a long time for people to finally snap out of it.
you want to know something fucked up, and ironic....I find myself crying for his brother too because Im just so sad for him. His brother hated me and hates me even more now. He did his best to sabotage and destroy our relationship. He tried to convince me to break up with him and in the month or so before he died, it was like war between us (me and my man vs his brother.) I have every reason to hate him...and Im so fucking angry at how blind he is, at how quick he was to blame me before he even knew what was happening. Like I said...this is all he knew: I screamed for help. I said "please come quick he needs help!" That was all. He knew nothing, nothing at all except that I was yelling for help, and the first thing he said was "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HIM!?!?!?!" He decided before he even knew what was going on , that it was me. But I find myself crying for him sometimes too and how sad it is that he lost his brother and what used to be his best friend, before he drove a wedge between them with his asshole behavior. (You spend too much time with her, why dont you chill with me, she aint good enough for you, why would you want to be with a girl like "THAT", etc. when the answer was of course...."Uh...I dont want to chill with you because youre a fucking asshole who is treating my girl like shit and trying to fuck up my relationship. Shes not "making" me hang out with her, Im with her because I want to be, because I prefer to be with her than with you, dick.") so why do i cry for him. they are doing their best to destroy me but its just so fuckin sad. its just so sad all around. and how i can feel that pain and sorrow for his family when they despise me so much, slander my name and ruin my reputation, and are so full of vicious pure hate...i just dont know. If his breother came to me right now and said he wanted to be friends, Id do it in a second. just to feel close to steve. just to have somebody to talk to who knew him, and remember him with. how fucked up is that.
I dont remember if I mentioned this but...my aunt told me something last week when I visited her. She is closer to death than most people so she seems to get these signs more than others. before i tell the story i have to say that my aunt has never told anybody whats going on with my situation, its very private and most of my outside family dont even know what happened so nobody could or would know about this stuff...but she was getting a reiki massage and the woman stopped and asked her "do you know somebody named steve? because hes here..." This was like a week after he died. She said yes but just to be sure, ask him about the circumstances of his death....she said "was it something like a blood transfusion or something, because I see needles." then she told her that he says "I am so happy now. Im with (the name of his grandfather who passed before he was born. my aunt did not know his grandfathers name, but she just repeated the name to me and i said ah, thats who it was.) I understand now that this was my path and it had to happen this way. i can understand now and Im just so happy." he said he was trying to get thru to me but i was in so much pain hurting so bad that I didnt recognize it was him...
and now looking back there was a few things that I did feel was gifts from him but see I just always had this nature of having to be certain of things, that you had to proove it...I saw these things...like the knife he gave me , which i was almost 100% certain was at his house and lost to me forever. I was wishing I had it and wondering what happened to it and i said "i wish i had that knife...." and then later that day i found it in the pocket of a coat that i had been wearing that i swear had been empty and plus, i had been weareing it and tossing it all over the place so anything that had been in the pockets would have fell out, but somehow it was just there...
and i wanted his hat, there was this hat he always wore, that we bought the day we went out together for the first time and ended up being the first time we kissed...I found it for him and picked it out and he loved that hat. he wore it everywhere...hed put it on me sometimes just cuz he said he loved how i looked in his hat, and that anybody who saw me in it would know i was his girl. and it was at his house so i never saw it again after he died, but i really wanted to find the same one so i went to all the Lids stores nearby, asked at the one we got it from, called the New Era store in NYC, all over the place trying to find this hat and nobody even knew the design i was talking about much less could tell me where i could buy it. but somehow I called the last place on my list and described the hat and the guy working there knew the exact one i was talking about, and had it in stock. he put it on hold for me and when i got to the store to buy it, I saw on his name tag...His name was Steve.
So I got that hat...and his had been customized (it was a NJ Devils hat, and scott stevens was his favorite player so he got #4 Scott Stevens on it...) and so I got mine with his number from when he played hockey and his name on it instead. it made me happy to have. and i wear it everywhere i go in his honor and memory...
theres a few other little things that i feel are signs but i was telling myself that i was just fooling myself. that i wanted so bad to see one that i was just making my self see connections where there was none there. but i know now, that he was trying to tell me something...It just makes me so fucking sad tho that he was trying to reach me and I couldnt even see him right there with me. i hate myself for that, like he was there, right there, "baby...its me..." and i didnt even see him.
It feels like Im searching for him for some reason. I feel like Im trying to find him somewhere, like i can find him if i just look hard enough. i dont know how to explain it but i feel like everywhere i go i am just searching for something i cant find. and i just keep going over and over in my head all the signs that was telling us that this was a bad idea, that this shouldnt happen...and i know you cant control somebody, that he was already doing it long before he met me,but god damn. Its fucked up because when they come after me saying i killed him and all that i know its wrong and i just want to scream IT WASNT ME!!! but then in my head i just keep feeling like somehow it was my fault. and all these things we said, that day, these things that like...now seem so meaningful, so foreshadowing, he said "i dont have to worry about being careful because i almost died so many times and still made it, so obviously its just not my time yet and i cant die until it is my time so fuck (wearing a seatbelt, taking caution with this or that at work, etc.) saying things like "you and the baby would be fine without me, youll do OK" ...the day or 2 before he died he was saying in 5 years he saw himself dead and I was like babe, what the fuck, how can you talk like that? Yea, you used to be out runnin the streets, you used to fight and get in trouble and take stupid risks but now that we together you stopped that life, you started to live like you have a reason to live, you dont gotta think like that anymore. but still he was always talking like "I aint gonna make it to 30" and things like that....Its just so strange and ominous now looking back.
And all the songs that were some of "our" songs, I listen now to the lyrics of them and see all these messages.
"its so lonely, here without you. I know they want me dead"
"......biting off way more than i can chew, like i sometimes do, i never know just when or where to stop."
"we could have been smart, what we knew from the start..."
and this one song that he played for me, only afterwards telling me that he sang on the track. It was a local jersey band, Failure in Vanity, and their singer was on tour or unavailable for some reason...his brothers band knew the guys from FiV, and they needed someone to fill in. my baby had a great voice, and he sang (screamed) in his own band so his bro hooked them up and he did the vocals for the track for the demo because they just had to get it out fast...so I listen to that song and I can hear him sing...and the lyrics, are about a cheating couple, but god damn they fit....
"they would soon find themselves, entwined in each others arms...for this, last night, they would lay. lovers locked in an act of infidelity." infidelity of course being to ourselves and our future, giving into the temptation and inviting the devil in, opening pandoras box, knowing nothing good could come of it. and little did we know that was the last night we would lay in each others arms...I just cant get shit out of my head, its like there was all these signs pointing to me and I just couldnt see them until it was too late or i did see them and ignored them somehow.
He told me a few months ago that his dad had called him and said he had a dream. In the dream, steve and his grandfather, who died before he was born, was walking together and talking on a green grassy hill with a beautiful blue sky in this open field. His dad called out to them, but the grandfather kept walking. steve just looked up and waved at him, and then they kept walking on together and disappeared. and he was like "what a weird dream, i wonder what it means...."
But if this was his path, why? How can it be his path to die at 19? Before he ever even got to get started on his life? Why did he come into my life to give me everything i ever dreamed of and then take it all away when he left? how can it be all for the best when the consequences of his death may take away my life too? i wish i could understand it too. I wish i could know what he knows. I know people say just have faith just have hope, trust the message. but I still cant stop asking why. I need to understand, to see just a glimpse of reason, of knowledge for why this happened, some hint, some promise that theres something better around the corner. but i just cant see it right now.
I gotta go right now, but I will come back. for everyone who has replied, thank you. it helps me in some small way just to know that somebody knows my story. that while here in my real life, i am surrounded by people who hate me and will stop at nothing to destroy whats left at least there is somebody out there other than me and him that knows the truth.
carniegirl, when i get a minute of privacy and quiet Ima PM you. thanks for your words and i will check out those books.
I dont remember if I mentioned this but...my aunt told me something last week when I visited her. She is closer to death than most people so she seems to get these signs more than others. before i tell the story i have to say that my aunt has never told anybody whats going on with my situation, its very private and most of my outside family dont even know what happened so nobody could or would know about this stuff...but she was getting a reiki massage and the woman stopped and asked her "do you know somebody named steve? because hes here..." This was like a week after he died. She said yes but just to be sure, ask him about the circumstances of his death....she said "was it something like a blood transfusion or something, because I see needles." then she told her that he says "I am so happy now. Im with (the name of his grandfather who passed before he was born. my aunt did not know his grandfathers name, but she just repeated the name to me and i said ah, thats who it was.) I understand now that this was my path and it had to happen this way. i can understand now and Im just so happy." he said he was trying to get thru to me but i was in so much pain hurting so bad that I didnt recognize it was him...
and now looking back there was a few things that I did feel was gifts from him but see I just always had this nature of having to be certain of things, that you had to proove it...I saw these things...like the knife he gave me , which i was almost 100% certain was at his house and lost to me forever. I was wishing I had it and wondering what happened to it and i said "i wish i had that knife...." and then later that day i found it in the pocket of a coat that i had been wearing that i swear had been empty and plus, i had been weareing it and tossing it all over the place so anything that had been in the pockets would have fell out, but somehow it was just there...
and i wanted his hat, there was this hat he always wore, that we bought the day we went out together for the first time and ended up being the first time we kissed...I found it for him and picked it out and he loved that hat. he wore it everywhere...hed put it on me sometimes just cuz he said he loved how i looked in his hat, and that anybody who saw me in it would know i was his girl. and it was at his house so i never saw it again after he died, but i really wanted to find the same one so i went to all the Lids stores nearby, asked at the one we got it from, called the New Era store in NYC, all over the place trying to find this hat and nobody even knew the design i was talking about much less could tell me where i could buy it. but somehow I called the last place on my list and described the hat and the guy working there knew the exact one i was talking about, and had it in stock. he put it on hold for me and when i got to the store to buy it, I saw on his name tag...His name was Steve.
So I got that hat...and his had been customized (it was a NJ Devils hat, and scott stevens was his favorite player so he got #4 Scott Stevens on it...) and so I got mine with his number from when he played hockey and his name on it instead. it made me happy to have. and i wear it everywhere i go in his honor and memory...
theres a few other little things that i feel are signs but i was telling myself that i was just fooling myself. that i wanted so bad to see one that i was just making my self see connections where there was none there. but i know now, that he was trying to tell me something...It just makes me so fucking sad tho that he was trying to reach me and I couldnt even see him right there with me. i hate myself for that, like he was there, right there, "baby...its me..." and i didnt even see him.
It feels like Im searching for him for some reason. I feel like Im trying to find him somewhere, like i can find him if i just look hard enough. i dont know how to explain it but i feel like everywhere i go i am just searching for something i cant find. and i just keep going over and over in my head all the signs that was telling us that this was a bad idea, that this shouldnt happen...and i know you cant control somebody, that he was already doing it long before he met me,but god damn. Its fucked up because when they come after me saying i killed him and all that i know its wrong and i just want to scream IT WASNT ME!!! but then in my head i just keep feeling like somehow it was my fault. and all these things we said, that day, these things that like...now seem so meaningful, so foreshadowing, he said "i dont have to worry about being careful because i almost died so many times and still made it, so obviously its just not my time yet and i cant die until it is my time so fuck (wearing a seatbelt, taking caution with this or that at work, etc.) saying things like "you and the baby would be fine without me, youll do OK" ...the day or 2 before he died he was saying in 5 years he saw himself dead and I was like babe, what the fuck, how can you talk like that? Yea, you used to be out runnin the streets, you used to fight and get in trouble and take stupid risks but now that we together you stopped that life, you started to live like you have a reason to live, you dont gotta think like that anymore. but still he was always talking like "I aint gonna make it to 30" and things like that....Its just so strange and ominous now looking back.
And all the songs that were some of "our" songs, I listen now to the lyrics of them and see all these messages.
"its so lonely, here without you. I know they want me dead"
"......biting off way more than i can chew, like i sometimes do, i never know just when or where to stop."
"we could have been smart, what we knew from the start..."
and this one song that he played for me, only afterwards telling me that he sang on the track. It was a local jersey band, Failure in Vanity, and their singer was on tour or unavailable for some reason...his brothers band knew the guys from FiV, and they needed someone to fill in. my baby had a great voice, and he sang (screamed) in his own band so his bro hooked them up and he did the vocals for the track for the demo because they just had to get it out fast...so I listen to that song and I can hear him sing...and the lyrics, are about a cheating couple, but god damn they fit....
"they would soon find themselves, entwined in each others arms...for this, last night, they would lay. lovers locked in an act of infidelity." infidelity of course being to ourselves and our future, giving into the temptation and inviting the devil in, opening pandoras box, knowing nothing good could come of it. and little did we know that was the last night we would lay in each others arms...I just cant get shit out of my head, its like there was all these signs pointing to me and I just couldnt see them until it was too late or i did see them and ignored them somehow.
He told me a few months ago that his dad had called him and said he had a dream. In the dream, steve and his grandfather, who died before he was born, was walking together and talking on a green grassy hill with a beautiful blue sky in this open field. His dad called out to them, but the grandfather kept walking. steve just looked up and waved at him, and then they kept walking on together and disappeared. and he was like "what a weird dream, i wonder what it means...."
But if this was his path, why? How can it be his path to die at 19? Before he ever even got to get started on his life? Why did he come into my life to give me everything i ever dreamed of and then take it all away when he left? how can it be all for the best when the consequences of his death may take away my life too? i wish i could understand it too. I wish i could know what he knows. I know people say just have faith just have hope, trust the message. but I still cant stop asking why. I need to understand, to see just a glimpse of reason, of knowledge for why this happened, some hint, some promise that theres something better around the corner. but i just cant see it right now.
I gotta go right now, but I will come back. for everyone who has replied, thank you. it helps me in some small way just to know that somebody knows my story. that while here in my real life, i am surrounded by people who hate me and will stop at nothing to destroy whats left at least there is somebody out there other than me and him that knows the truth.
carniegirl, when i get a minute of privacy and quiet Ima PM you. thanks for your words and i will check out those books.
Lysis
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2008
- Messages
- 31,677
Something you have to remember, lacey, is that you can't beat yourself asking questions as if there was something you could do or if you could change the past. He was a big boy, and he made his decision. If you constantly keep trying to figure out why, you will drive yourself insane. You can't process it, because one day he was a healthy human being and the next he was dead. It's part of the grieving process and just our human nature to have answers to things we don't understand.
I went through all of the stages of feeling like there is something more, but I don't believe in any of that anymore. I think it just makes you stuck in a place where you can't let go, and letting go is important. You can always remember him, and you will think about him every day, but if you don't let the questions go, it will drive you insane especially since you are alone in your head.
I went through a long investigative process where I wanted to know exactly what happened that day. I talked to his friends, talked to his brother, and was even so insane that I was going to call his ex girlfriend. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I wanted to know everything he did that day, because I wanted to understand how someone who was healthy and 29 years old was dead in an instant. It's a part of our natural human nature to understand and hope that there is something more to it, because no one could possibly just die like that, right? I completely understand, and I know you will heal in your own time, but I just want to convey that nothing is your fault and nothing you would have done would have changed anything. He was a big boy who made his choice.
If you try to imagine the things you could have changed, you will only unnecessarily put yourself in an unhealthy mindset. Right now, you have to heal your mindset. I know nothing I say will change it and won't progress it, but trust me when I tell you that once you get over the hump of complete despair, you will realize that what has happened is not your fault and you will be able to better handle the situation and think more clearly.
I went through all of the stages of feeling like there is something more, but I don't believe in any of that anymore. I think it just makes you stuck in a place where you can't let go, and letting go is important. You can always remember him, and you will think about him every day, but if you don't let the questions go, it will drive you insane especially since you are alone in your head.
I went through a long investigative process where I wanted to know exactly what happened that day. I talked to his friends, talked to his brother, and was even so insane that I was going to call his ex girlfriend. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I wanted to know everything he did that day, because I wanted to understand how someone who was healthy and 29 years old was dead in an instant. It's a part of our natural human nature to understand and hope that there is something more to it, because no one could possibly just die like that, right? I completely understand, and I know you will heal in your own time, but I just want to convey that nothing is your fault and nothing you would have done would have changed anything. He was a big boy who made his choice.
If you try to imagine the things you could have changed, you will only unnecessarily put yourself in an unhealthy mindset. Right now, you have to heal your mindset. I know nothing I say will change it and won't progress it, but trust me when I tell you that once you get over the hump of complete despair, you will realize that what has happened is not your fault and you will be able to better handle the situation and think more clearly.
Pretty_Diamonds
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2007
- Messages
- 3,382
I'm so sorry for your loss and situation.
I lost my father and sister in a freak accident drowning. I can relate with that side of the family hating because my fathers side of the family hated my mother. They left messages on my fathers phone, "Why aren't you answering your phone? Why haven't you called back? I'm hope you're okay and (my mom) did do anything to do. God, I swear if she does--I'M GOING TO FUCKEN KILL HER" etc etc. My mom has got other things to do then murder my father you dumbass and not to mention her 11 year old child! People are crazy and unreasonable. Don't get so upset with the family. My fathers family ended up taking all the insurance money while my mom got stuck with the debt. Thanks fam! These people are actually related to me. Death creates so much confusion, speculation, and crazy feelings... it rips families apart all the time. It's been two years since I lost my father and sister and his family still isn't on talking terms with me (and I didn't even do anything). It doesn't bother me anymore. You don't need those people and that negativity in your life anyways.
I would say something though--maybe consider getting a dog? We got a cat and sometimes I think my sister's soul lives through her. Weird, right? But idk, makes me feel better. A dog will help cheer you up because you have all this negativity and need some positivity!
I lost my father and sister in a freak accident drowning. I can relate with that side of the family hating because my fathers side of the family hated my mother. They left messages on my fathers phone, "Why aren't you answering your phone? Why haven't you called back? I'm hope you're okay and (my mom) did do anything to do. God, I swear if she does--I'M GOING TO FUCKEN KILL HER" etc etc. My mom has got other things to do then murder my father you dumbass and not to mention her 11 year old child! People are crazy and unreasonable. Don't get so upset with the family. My fathers family ended up taking all the insurance money while my mom got stuck with the debt. Thanks fam! These people are actually related to me. Death creates so much confusion, speculation, and crazy feelings... it rips families apart all the time. It's been two years since I lost my father and sister and his family still isn't on talking terms with me (and I didn't even do anything). It doesn't bother me anymore. You don't need those people and that negativity in your life anyways.
I would say something though--maybe consider getting a dog? We got a cat and sometimes I think my sister's soul lives through her. Weird, right? But idk, makes me feel better. A dog will help cheer you up because you have all this negativity and need some positivity!
rez_runner
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2012
- Messages
- 55
This is proof god isnt here on this earth, let alone exists. Who the fuck would ever let humans suffer as much as we do, not only in death but in pure grief like we do. Day after day, year after year, century after century we suffer through extreme pain and nobody gives a fuck except for the ones with decent hearts like us who get no relief unless we lie to ourselves or somehow manage to make it through a day where we forget the painfully obvious. We have so much potential for great love but its always stomped out by something somewhere on this earth every single day. I seriously hate this place...
Lysis
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2008
- Messages
- 31,677
We are born to die, and that's just how it is. It has nothing to do with god or religion. It's just a biological fact. Some people just die too soon, and that's why we can't process "why." We naturally want to understand why things happen, and you or me or anyone else looking for a god or some entity to blame is again a kneejerk response to blame something or someone. We want to blame something, so we have a "why." I completely understand it, but I think it holds us back from moving on. And, the unfortunate fact is that we either sink or swim after the person who is our other half passes away. I chose to swim, but I sure as hell understand that sinking feeling. The sinking feeling is inevitable, and it takes a lot of mental energy to pull out if it. BL is one way to get support, but you have to put it in your head that you're not going to die because of someone else's decisions.
Something that has truly helped me is understanding that I do not control anyone and their decisions. I can influence them and I can put in my 2 cents and tell them how I feel, but at the end of the day they are going to do what they want to do. If they care about me, they will consider my feelings when they make their decision. Of course, the consequence of their actions is under my control. I can choose not to have anything to do with them. I can choose to cry or be angry or tell them that they are a POS for hurting me. However, I can't control what they do. I can only control my own life and make it the best I know how to do. My path is my own, and I know better than to be irresponsible with drugs.
People who OD made a decision, and they chose poorly and there is no one to blame but them. I have a "fuck him" attitude with my situation, because my opinion is that he knew how I felt about drugs (we had some arguments over drug use..shoulda been my clue, but I had no experience with drug addicts other than potheads) and he chose to do a lot of drugs irresponsibly. He made his choice, and now he's six feet under and I still have a lot of life to experience. I want to have fun. I don't want to be depressed. Depression sucks. So, I am making the most of the days I have left.
But those are my choices, and lacey and others who have lost someone have to come to their own realizations and process their loss in their own way. It's only been a month for lacey, and I suspect that she will hate some of the things I've said and may even be a little irked, but it does get better if you focus on just doing whatever it is you are supposed to do every day and try to heal your mind. She's a strong woman, so I think she will be OK, but I would wager that she doesn't realize it yet because the wound is still fresh.
carniegirl818
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2013
- Messages
- 85
I go through exactly this every day.
Bryan was 35, but he went to prison when he was 17 for 16 years. (I don't get into the whole long story because it would be so long my eyes would start to bleed from looking at the screen.) He'd only been out for 2 years, so I get that same feeling that he died without ever having a chance to live. And I knew all along that something that good couldn't last. That's one thing you can count on in life. When everything is terrible and you think you can't stand it anymore, it gets better. But when you find someone that makes you so Happy that you could never get tired of being with them and all the other bullshit doesn't matter as long as you have that person by your side, that can't last either. If they don't let you down, then the Universe will step in and take it away. Because life isn't supposed to be that easy. If it was, we wouldn't learn anything.
carniegirl818
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2013
- Messages
- 85
Bryan used to say the EXACT same thing.
I still cant accept that now this is my life. do you know the difference between talking to a casual aquaintance and a best friend? even if you were having the exact same conversation? its like it just dont connect. Except everyone feels like that....family, people around me, all of it, even the ones closest to me that i see everyday. like interaction just cant penetrate into the part that matters. total disconnect. I cant explain it. It feels like everything in my life now is second-best, runnerup, settled for instead of what i really want. that theres always something id rather be doing. that this life is just a poor excuse for what i wish it was and im just acting in a play of living, completely hollow and meaningless. you know those old movies that would be filmed on a set, and in the background theres a mountain and all that but its just a painting instead of the real thing. I feel like that version of life. Its not real, its just something else. like i been flipped into a different meaningless dimension where everything is flat and fake and nothing lies beneath the surface. caught inside some kind of bubble that nothing can break thru. i feel like time is choking me and moving into the future without me, my time is running out, these supposed best years of my life, what i want to be doing with them and what i am doing, are so different, and ill be here trying to understand this, trying just to keep my head above water. caught in limbo. But whether i do something or not, go out, stay home, try or dont try, its all the same. If i cant life the life i want to live I dont want to live it. Every day that I drive to the classes I been forced to going to...(an IOP program, but for psych instead of drugs...got pushed into that by my dad) Im there speeding along on the highway and every second is a fight to keep my hands on the wheel because all i can think is that it would be so easy to floor it and let go...and then nobody would even have to know, it would just look like an accident. problem solved. the availability of that...the knowledge that its right there...is the only comfort to me these days, really. people say that grieving takes time but this aint just grieving. theres some deeper shit goin on here that has left me fucked for life. people say you recover from a loss but i dont know about this kind of loss. too much left at loose ends and too much tragedy surrounding every ounce of the situation. too much bitterness and regret. theres just a fundamental brokenness that i dont believe can heal, feeling robbed and denied of the things that could have helped me to feel some type of closure. time may go on and people say you slowly learn to pick up the pieces. but theres no pieces to pick up, or if there is theres a whole fuckin lot of em missing. and the cracks are too deep , they will still be there. I feel like Im just fucking damaged eternally now like there is no coming back from this. i may exist physically as a life form...i may somehow be moving along with the current as this excuse for life continues...but i just dont know yo...
meanwhile the few people i had called friends before I ever met him, and they can be counted on one hand...I aint seen a single one of them since he died. Ive begged, ive pleaded...saying please...i need you right now, i need your company, i need your help, i dont know if i can hold on...and all i hear is "yea im sorry i been really busy lately but i promise ill try and make some time for you soon!" and more weeks pass and still no time has been made. and i try to explain that i dont have time. that there may not be a later if there is no time now. that the difference between having a tomorrow or not could be whether or not they can pull away from their lives just for an hour or two of company. promises made of "im really busy for the next few weeks but then ill be free and we can chill lots!" but all the time "later" dont mean shit when the time i need is right now. I aint the type to say to someone i need help. i aint able to say "please, i really need you" but I have said it out of pure sheer desperation and loneliness. and its like they dont understand the urgency of it. how can you say you care when you cant be fucking bothered, when in 70 fucking days you try and tell me that you have not had one single second of time that you could have spent with me, that you really care, that you didnt forget about me? When I say "ill come to you, anytime you have, even if its just for an hour, please, i just need to feel like somebodys out there, like i aint totally and completely alone." I basically spelled it out that "i want to die. i want to die and i dont know how much longer i can hold on. i might not be here tomorrow and thats why i am asking you today, right now, because right now is when i need you." if that dont mean something, what does? I have never, ever said to a friend or anyone in my life some shit like that. Never been one of the people who calls up saying "im gonna kill myself, come over and talk me out of it!" and always calls at 3 in the morning needing you to stay up all night on the phone or at the house keeping them company. Ive been the one staying up all night, talking all night, helping and consoling and comforting, but never been the one on the other end. and now at the time of my greatest need, when i swallow my pride and lay it all out on the table, begging for mercy for some kind of love to get me through all I get is "later"....How do you say, when someone calls you, texts you, and says "please...I cant take it, i dont know if i can handle one more fucking miserable day, i need you to help me get thru this, all i need is your kind words, your company, the sound of your voice, just someone to BE with me and not feel utterly and totally abandoned and alone. i dont know if i can make it thru this night. i have never needed you more than i do right now, im begging you for some help, just for your presence and your time" and you say "sorry but im pretty busy right now I have mad laundry to do and my boyfriends gonna come over in a little bit and I didnt see him all day but sometime this week lets do something?"
am i selfish for being hurt by that? did i just not express how serious this really is, that im on the verge? that one day the gun will be to my head and i will call for help and get a "im too busy, sorry" and then maybe at the funeral theyll finally fucking get it that i wasnt kidding when i said i really needed them RIGHT NOW?
you cant expect someone to drop everything immediately and run to your side anytime you ask. but ive never asked before. and i never asked anybody to leave work, or jump up out of their bed in the middle of the night and come to me. i ask simply for them to stay right where they are, and just hear me, give me a shoulder to cry on, some connection in this endless empty wilderness. for someone who has never made demands of their friends...who has always been there, to do anything that was asked...who has been there in the roughest times for them, supporting and loving in death and miscarraige and addiction and loss and all the many troubles...for them to treat my most serious and urgent crying for help as some kind of thing that can just be put off til later, when its convenient for them...it makes me wonder. i could use some perspective on that if nothing else. am i being too demanding , selfish, is my grief blinding me and making me too self absorbed and not understanding of others problems?
meanwhile the few people i had called friends before I ever met him, and they can be counted on one hand...I aint seen a single one of them since he died. Ive begged, ive pleaded...saying please...i need you right now, i need your company, i need your help, i dont know if i can hold on...and all i hear is "yea im sorry i been really busy lately but i promise ill try and make some time for you soon!" and more weeks pass and still no time has been made. and i try to explain that i dont have time. that there may not be a later if there is no time now. that the difference between having a tomorrow or not could be whether or not they can pull away from their lives just for an hour or two of company. promises made of "im really busy for the next few weeks but then ill be free and we can chill lots!" but all the time "later" dont mean shit when the time i need is right now. I aint the type to say to someone i need help. i aint able to say "please, i really need you" but I have said it out of pure sheer desperation and loneliness. and its like they dont understand the urgency of it. how can you say you care when you cant be fucking bothered, when in 70 fucking days you try and tell me that you have not had one single second of time that you could have spent with me, that you really care, that you didnt forget about me? When I say "ill come to you, anytime you have, even if its just for an hour, please, i just need to feel like somebodys out there, like i aint totally and completely alone." I basically spelled it out that "i want to die. i want to die and i dont know how much longer i can hold on. i might not be here tomorrow and thats why i am asking you today, right now, because right now is when i need you." if that dont mean something, what does? I have never, ever said to a friend or anyone in my life some shit like that. Never been one of the people who calls up saying "im gonna kill myself, come over and talk me out of it!" and always calls at 3 in the morning needing you to stay up all night on the phone or at the house keeping them company. Ive been the one staying up all night, talking all night, helping and consoling and comforting, but never been the one on the other end. and now at the time of my greatest need, when i swallow my pride and lay it all out on the table, begging for mercy for some kind of love to get me through all I get is "later"....How do you say, when someone calls you, texts you, and says "please...I cant take it, i dont know if i can handle one more fucking miserable day, i need you to help me get thru this, all i need is your kind words, your company, the sound of your voice, just someone to BE with me and not feel utterly and totally abandoned and alone. i dont know if i can make it thru this night. i have never needed you more than i do right now, im begging you for some help, just for your presence and your time" and you say "sorry but im pretty busy right now I have mad laundry to do and my boyfriends gonna come over in a little bit and I didnt see him all day but sometime this week lets do something?"
am i selfish for being hurt by that? did i just not express how serious this really is, that im on the verge? that one day the gun will be to my head and i will call for help and get a "im too busy, sorry" and then maybe at the funeral theyll finally fucking get it that i wasnt kidding when i said i really needed them RIGHT NOW?
you cant expect someone to drop everything immediately and run to your side anytime you ask. but ive never asked before. and i never asked anybody to leave work, or jump up out of their bed in the middle of the night and come to me. i ask simply for them to stay right where they are, and just hear me, give me a shoulder to cry on, some connection in this endless empty wilderness. for someone who has never made demands of their friends...who has always been there, to do anything that was asked...who has been there in the roughest times for them, supporting and loving in death and miscarraige and addiction and loss and all the many troubles...for them to treat my most serious and urgent crying for help as some kind of thing that can just be put off til later, when its convenient for them...it makes me wonder. i could use some perspective on that if nothing else. am i being too demanding , selfish, is my grief blinding me and making me too self absorbed and not understanding of others problems?
Lysis
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2008
- Messages
- 31,677
Hi lacey. I was thinking about you the other day. Tomorrow will be my ex's 5 year anniversary of his death. You have no idea how much I read your posts and see myself in what you are saying. All of it...dammit it's like I'm reading my own thoughts from 5 years ago. It's crazy.
The friends not being there for you is exactly what landed me on Bluelight. Sure, they will listen for a few days, but they get tired of hearing about it after a while. My sister, who I talked to alllll the time, went off on me one day and told me I just need to get over it because he was a useless drug addict. Man...I still remember that and it really fucking hurt. She apologized the next day, but it really hurt me. I think back to it, and I kinda understand where she was coming from, but I don't think I could ever have said that to someone, but it's because I understand where that person is coming from. Your friends and my sister don't understand. They seriously have 0 clue.
I don't think you are being selfish, but I also think you are in a state of depression that no one understands so that's why your friends are not being or doing what you need them to do. Again, that's what landed me on BL and I have to say although I look back at the shit I posted on here, BL was exactly what I needed...just release all the bullshit that was going through my head. You won't be able to see it now, but in a few years, you'll understand why they are being like that. Think about it...did you have any understanding of what you are going through now a few years ago? I think you will agree that no one understands unless it happens.
The friends not being there for you is exactly what landed me on Bluelight. Sure, they will listen for a few days, but they get tired of hearing about it after a while. My sister, who I talked to alllll the time, went off on me one day and told me I just need to get over it because he was a useless drug addict. Man...I still remember that and it really fucking hurt. She apologized the next day, but it really hurt me. I think back to it, and I kinda understand where she was coming from, but I don't think I could ever have said that to someone, but it's because I understand where that person is coming from. Your friends and my sister don't understand. They seriously have 0 clue.
I don't think you are being selfish, but I also think you are in a state of depression that no one understands so that's why your friends are not being or doing what you need them to do. Again, that's what landed me on BL and I have to say although I look back at the shit I posted on here, BL was exactly what I needed...just release all the bullshit that was going through my head. You won't be able to see it now, but in a few years, you'll understand why they are being like that. Think about it...did you have any understanding of what you are going through now a few years ago? I think you will agree that no one understands unless it happens.