CARESS
Bluelighter
There are times I fear I'm going insane. I imagine that I can trace the synapses in my brain and isolate the exact point at which they are interrupted. Most often, I fear they are interrupted by scar tissue which blocks their normal flow. Scars from a childhood head injury, drug use, or that blow to the head I took two Thanksgivings ago.
So my little neural tributaries flow zipping and zapping this way and that along pre-chosen courses. Then, they suddenly come upon a roadblock. Do they re-route themselves or simply fizzle out? Did I take my B complex today? I can't remember. Maybe I can't remember because of short term memory loss. You know, the kind that makes me put the milk in the cabinet and the cereal in the fridge.
I have attempted to discuss this with friends before only to be met with an uncertain gaze, head scratching, and the usual "You're not crazy at all" response. But maybe, I am.
I wonder if other people find it hard to sleep and get up at 4:00 a.m. to clean house. I wonder if others pause for a second at an intersection wondering what it would be like to gently roll out into traffic in front of a truck. For those with children, I wonder why I was given three such beautiful gifts only to question myself daily regarding my abilities to raise them.
Some days, I can barely care for myself. Other days, I can take on the world singlehandedly. Some days, I can barely complete a thought. Others, I can work out solutions to complex issues without even a pen and paper...only in my head. There are times when I can't bear the thought of laundry and grocery shopping, but I can plan out my adventures for the coming weekend.
There have been times in my life when I have fallen into horrible dark holes of despair. Pits I couldn't climb out of no matter how hard I tried. But this is strangely NOT one of those times.
I have been happier lately than ever before in my life. I love and am truly loved. I don't wander the floors of my home in the wee hours crying for no reason, as I have in the past. I tell my children every day that I love them. I play games with them and live vicariously through the joy in their eyes. In these moments, I am content with myself and can relax in the knowlege that I am serving a higher purpose.
I feel I can touch the face of heaven when in the arms of my lover. He knows me in ways I could never have imagined. He senses my moods and reads my thoughts. He anticipates my needs material and physical. He sets out to meet them with a drive and determination not often seen in this world. I am his and he is mine...we are fortunate. You see, we have found each other in a vast sea of various creatures. How lucky is that? I allow myself no "forever" thoughts. Forever is like never, just when you think... So whether we last another day or a lifetime, my heart will always belong to him.
I have true friends that seem to understand my strangeness. We laugh together and sometimes cry together. Stories of similar circumstance are shared openly.
I have my creativity. Though, sometimes, I view it as a curse. There are moments when I have such a compulsion to write, that it must be satisfied, regardless of other duties I may be neglecting. Yet, still I have the ability to transfer thoughts to word. I try not to take this for granted.
With all of these blessings in mind, why do I find myself still contemplating my sanity? I am blessed and loved...nothing seems to be lacking. Life is good.
But still there are times when I ponder...why people litter, what death will be like, if roses cry when we cut them, if my dog can understand me when I talk, why Pennsylvania is so far from here, why racist attitudes are so close....
What the HELL is that smell?? Oh, my dog needs a bath. She's old and blind, but I can't part with her. Then I wonder why feet are ticklish, what the definition of "up" is, how many words end in "gry" other than angry and hungry, why jellyfish wash up on shore, and WHY AM I SO SELFISH???
Selfish? Yes, that's me. I have been blessed in so many ways, yet I thirst for more. I was once told that each day we live is a step closer to death...interesting. I also heard it said that the day we stop questioning and learning is the day we begin to die, mentally.
These are just the ramblings of a twisted mind. Does your mind ramble, too? Do you question your sanity? Are you selfish? Is crazy all that bad? Maybe not......maybe not.
Caress
[This message has been edited by CARESS (edited 13 August 2000).]
So my little neural tributaries flow zipping and zapping this way and that along pre-chosen courses. Then, they suddenly come upon a roadblock. Do they re-route themselves or simply fizzle out? Did I take my B complex today? I can't remember. Maybe I can't remember because of short term memory loss. You know, the kind that makes me put the milk in the cabinet and the cereal in the fridge.
I have attempted to discuss this with friends before only to be met with an uncertain gaze, head scratching, and the usual "You're not crazy at all" response. But maybe, I am.
I wonder if other people find it hard to sleep and get up at 4:00 a.m. to clean house. I wonder if others pause for a second at an intersection wondering what it would be like to gently roll out into traffic in front of a truck. For those with children, I wonder why I was given three such beautiful gifts only to question myself daily regarding my abilities to raise them.
Some days, I can barely care for myself. Other days, I can take on the world singlehandedly. Some days, I can barely complete a thought. Others, I can work out solutions to complex issues without even a pen and paper...only in my head. There are times when I can't bear the thought of laundry and grocery shopping, but I can plan out my adventures for the coming weekend.
There have been times in my life when I have fallen into horrible dark holes of despair. Pits I couldn't climb out of no matter how hard I tried. But this is strangely NOT one of those times.
I have been happier lately than ever before in my life. I love and am truly loved. I don't wander the floors of my home in the wee hours crying for no reason, as I have in the past. I tell my children every day that I love them. I play games with them and live vicariously through the joy in their eyes. In these moments, I am content with myself and can relax in the knowlege that I am serving a higher purpose.
I feel I can touch the face of heaven when in the arms of my lover. He knows me in ways I could never have imagined. He senses my moods and reads my thoughts. He anticipates my needs material and physical. He sets out to meet them with a drive and determination not often seen in this world. I am his and he is mine...we are fortunate. You see, we have found each other in a vast sea of various creatures. How lucky is that? I allow myself no "forever" thoughts. Forever is like never, just when you think... So whether we last another day or a lifetime, my heart will always belong to him.
I have true friends that seem to understand my strangeness. We laugh together and sometimes cry together. Stories of similar circumstance are shared openly.
I have my creativity. Though, sometimes, I view it as a curse. There are moments when I have such a compulsion to write, that it must be satisfied, regardless of other duties I may be neglecting. Yet, still I have the ability to transfer thoughts to word. I try not to take this for granted.
With all of these blessings in mind, why do I find myself still contemplating my sanity? I am blessed and loved...nothing seems to be lacking. Life is good.
But still there are times when I ponder...why people litter, what death will be like, if roses cry when we cut them, if my dog can understand me when I talk, why Pennsylvania is so far from here, why racist attitudes are so close....
What the HELL is that smell?? Oh, my dog needs a bath. She's old and blind, but I can't part with her. Then I wonder why feet are ticklish, what the definition of "up" is, how many words end in "gry" other than angry and hungry, why jellyfish wash up on shore, and WHY AM I SO SELFISH???
Selfish? Yes, that's me. I have been blessed in so many ways, yet I thirst for more. I was once told that each day we live is a step closer to death...interesting. I also heard it said that the day we stop questioning and learning is the day we begin to die, mentally.
These are just the ramblings of a twisted mind. Does your mind ramble, too? Do you question your sanity? Are you selfish? Is crazy all that bad? Maybe not......maybe not.
Caress
[This message has been edited by CARESS (edited 13 August 2000).]
